Malon's Epic Cow Delivery
by The Additional Pylon
Summary: Ever wonder how Malon was able to deliver a cow to Link's house? Or why Hyrule Field seemed so empty of monsters? Here's your answer. Witness the mind-boggling "meanwhile" story of OoT!
1. The Journey Begins, Barely

I was playing OoT again when I noticed a lot of unexplained occurrences. Malon being able to deliver a cow to Link's house was the most puzzling of them all. As a result, I thought I'd write a fic to explain all of these mysteries. If you know of any other plot holes, feel free to tell me. If its not something I've already planned for, I'll definitely add it into the story. Without further ado, Malon's Epic Cow Delivery!

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><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<strong>

**Ch 1: The Journey Begins (Barely)**

Malon watched as Link rode through her obstacle course like a Goron after a rock sirloin. In no time at all, Link and Epona were both through the finish line. He casually jumped down and walked towards Malon.

"I'm sure I finished in less than fifty seconds. So, what do I get? Please tell me its a giant hammer. I wanted a giant hammer my whole life but the Great Deku Tree always said 'no' for some strange reason. Something about public safety hazards and such. Anyways, where's my hammer?"

Malon forced herself to not face-palm at the comment. Even if Link had been the one who had helped her get the ranch back from Ingo, she sometimes questioned whether it had been a good idea to let Link visit the ranch any time he wanted. Sure, he was a nice enough guy but the problem was the destruction and the mind-numbing senselessness that followed whenever he visited. Just last week, he destroyed half the barn while practicing his spin attack in there. After that, he accidentally set the whole place on fire when he dropped one of his spell crystal while trying to help repair the area. It would've been bad enough without Link's damn fairy screaming "Hey, Listen!" the whole entire time. Malon wondered how Link hadn't turned deaf with such a noisy creature following him.

"Ummm, sorry Link. I don't have a hammer on me right now. Er, why don't you just leave for now? I'll deliver the present to your house. I promise it'll be something big."

Of course, Malon had no idea what she was going to give Link. She wondered how she had even gotten herself into this awkward situation in the first place. Ah, yes. She had tried to distract Link from destroying anything during this visit by setting up an obstacle course for him to ride through. She told him that she would give him a prize if he got through it in less than fifty seconds. Malon thought for sure that this would keep him occupied for the whole day. Unfortunately, she had underestimated the fairy boy's skill.

"Awwwww. I wanted a hammer. Oh, well. Got any other games for me to play?"

Navi suddenly flew out from underneath Link's hat.

"Link! There's no time for games right now! Hurry up and rescue the Sage of Fire already!"

Link slowly shook his head in a very patronizing manner before replying.

"Silly Navi. This whole thing is a game. Its called _The Legend of Zelda:_ _Ocarina of Time. _Its the fifth Zelda game released and it'll go on to become the most critically acclaimed video game ever created."

Navi immediately bitch-slapped Link before somehow grabbing him by his collar. She held him menacingly in front of her.

"What have I told you about breaking the fourth wall?"

"Ummm, something about tearing me in half and shoving my face up my ass if I ever did it again. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it was something like that. Please don't kill me."

Malon just sighed as the two continued on with their nonsense. She headed for the newly-repaired-barn where she hoped to find some peace and quiet.

"Hey, Malon! Looks like I have to leave now! I'll be looking forward to receiving your present!"

Malon gave a backwards glance and saw Link getting up on Epona. She gave Link a quick wave in response before entering the barn.

**xxx**

The barn was one of Malon's favorite places on the ranch. It was built just like any other barn, with stalls for the various animals living there and a few tools hanging at the sides. However, the place held a lot of significance for Malon. The few memories that she had of her mother were all centered on this building. She remembered feeding the cows with her mom as well as playing hide-and-seek using the giant haystacks. Just being in the building itself made Malon comfortable. Of course, there was another reason why Malon liked the place.

As soon as she entered, numerous 'moos' were heard all around. Malon walked over to where the cows were being kept.

"You can drop the act. Its just me."

Immediately, all the cows let out a sigh of relief as they gathered around Malon.

"Ugh. I hate having to pretend to chew cud whenever someone appears. Its degrading and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Hey, Malon. Did you bring anything real to eat? I'm sick of all this hay."

Yes, indeed. All the cows could talk.

"No shit, Sherlock. What was your first clue? Pfft. And you call yourself a professional narrator."

The cow who said this was immediately struck by lighting and turned into a cheeseburger for her arrogance.

"Er, okay. Anyways, here. I brought some carrots for all of you."

Malon distributed the food and waited until they were all done eating before telling them her predicament with Link and his present.

"Why not give him a live bomb? That way, he won't annoy you and we'll never have the barn destroyed by him again."

Malon shook her head at this.

"No. No murder attempts. At least for now. After all, I promised him a real gift so that's what he'll get."

"Ooh. Someone has a crush on the tight-wearing idiot," a cow said as the others wolf-whistled.

"Shut up. He's just a friend, alright? Anyone who wants to say otherwise can spend the rest of the week plowing the fields."

All the cows immediately fell silent.

"Now then, there must be something here that I can give him. Maybe a sickle? No, no, no. Bad idea. How about a horse whip? No. Epona would probably kill me for that." Malon turned to face the cows. "Come on, give me some ideas!"

"How about all the Cuccos? I for one would love to see those insane chickens gone."

"No. He told me that he ate the Pocket Cucco that I gave him seven years ago. If I give him a full grown Cucco and he tries to eat it... well, let's just say that we'll probably never see Link again. Besides, I'm trying to give him a present, not a snack. Let's see, the only animals that he said he likes are horses, turtles, Chocobos, and... cows..." Malon's eyes suddenly lit up with a sudden thought.

"Uh oh. The last time you had that look in your eyes, one of us was sold to Kakariko Village so that you could afford that scarf your wearing right now. Poor Daisy. I wonder how she's doing, all alone in that place?"

"Quiet you. Anyways, that's it! I'll just give Link one of you as his present! Its genius! Now then, who wants to volunteer?"

All the cows stepped away from Malon in unison.

"Fine, fine, fine. Is there anyone who you'd like to send away then?"

Immediately, the cows huddled together and started whispering to one another for a few minutes. Eventually, they all turned around and faced Malon.

"There _is _one cow that's been giving us trouble. She's probably outside right now. Why don't you take her?"

**xxx**

Malon found the cow in question standing near the entrance to the ranch. By the looks of things, she was probably grazing.

_She doesn't seem so bad. I wonder why the others didn't like her ?_

Malon's question was answered when the cow noticed Malon standing behind her.

"What the fuck are you doing? If you're here to tell me to go back inside, I swear I'll trample your pretty little face into a pile of manure. If you know what's good for you, you'll just leave me be."

_Correction. She's a bigger bitch than Navi._

" Err... hi. I don't think I've seen you before."

"Good Goddesses, did you figure that out by yourself? I hope you didn't strain that lone brain cell of yours too much. Of course you haven't seen me before. Your dimwitted dad bought me a few days ago and brought me to this dump."

Malon struggled very hard to stop herself from turning the cow into a prime rib dinner. After calming herself down, she tried again to go along with her plan.

"Anyways, there's a new real estate that just came in. I was just wondering if you'd like to move there. After all, you don't seem to like this place very much so..."

The cow glared at Malon while thinking the proposition over. Malon waited nervously for the cow to answer.

"Bah. Any place is better than this. Fine. What kind of place is it?"

Malon nearly breathed a sigh of relief.

"Umm... its a nice place in the middle of the forest. You'll have all the vegetation that you can eat plus a scenic view to go with that."

"Huh. So when can I go?"

"Right now. I'll be going with you so it doesn't look suspicious. After all, a lone cow out in the field is just asking to be stolen. Anyways, I'll go get my traveling gear so meet me at the gate in ten minutes."

The cow just gave an irritated sounding "moo" and started off for the gate. Meanwhile, Malon rushed up to the house to get all of her stuff.

Malon decided to only bring along the bare essentials. She packed an extra set of clothes, a hairbrush, a small hand mirror, a blanket, and a M79 grenade launcher.

"Wait, what? When did I get a grenade launcher? For that matter, what in Hyrule's name _is_ a grenade launcher?"

Oops. My bad. The grenade launcher suddenly poofed out of existence. There, much better.

"Ummm, okay..."

Malon then headed down to pack some food for her journey as well as some water. As soon as she got both, she headed over to her dad's usual napping spot. She wasn't disappointed. She found him sleeping in the stables, surround by Cuccos.

"Dad! I'm going to go... uh... deliver a present for Link. You know, for getting us the ranch back and all. I'll be gone for a while though. See ya!"

Truth be told, Malon wasn't even sure if her dad heard her. All he did in response to her was mumble something about rainbow ponies. She decided to head out immediately before her dad said anything else. On her way out, she bumped into Ingo. Ingo immediately bowed down before her and started apologizing.

"Sorry milady! Please forgive me! I'll do anything to earn your forgiveness! Just don't kick me off of this ranch! I have no where else to go to! Not to mention Ganondorf's still ticked off about not getting Epona, but that's besides the point... Anyways, please! Have mercy!"

Malon gave a sigh before answering.

"Fine, fine, fine. I won't kick you off the ranch. However, I want you to look after the place while I'm off on a little trip. If dad asks, just tell him that I'm gone to give Link a present for getting the ranch back from you."

"Of course, Ms. Malon! Whatever you say!"

"Oh, and that reminds me. If you try to do anything funny while I'm gone, I swear that'll be the last mistake you'll ever make in your pathetic life. Aside from that, feel free to continue on as usual."

"Of course! I'll... I'll just continue on with my job as usual. Ha ha ha. Don't worry about a thing Ms. Malon!"

With a final glare, Malon headed out towards the gate.

"Ugh. What took you so long?"

Malon ignored the cow's comment and started off towards Hyrule Field. The cow sullenly followed along. After walking on in silence for a while, Malon decided to start a little conversation.

"So... What's your name?"

The cow seemed reluctant to reply at first. Eventually, though, she answered.

"Yuna."

"Wait, isn't that the name of the main female protagonist in Final Fantasy X and Final Fantasy X-2? Man, the writer of this story must be really running out of ideas or something."

" Hey! Don't break the fourth wall! It could cause the end of the universe as we know it!"

"Okay, okay! Sheesh! Someone woke up on the wrong side of the haystack this morning."

The pair continued on silence again.

"Ahem. Where exactly are we going? It doesn't seem to be getting any greener. I thought you said my new home was in a forest."

Malon gave a nervous laugh before replying.

"Funny story that. I've never actually been there before so we're going to Kakariko Village first to get directions."

"Terrific. My guide doesn't even know where our destination is."

Malon decided it was time to change subjects.

"So... have you ever noticed how empty Hyrule Field is of monsters? I've never been out much but my friend, Link, told me that every time he was out here, he only saw a few Poes, Peahats, and Stalchildren around."

"Maybe the monsters don't like the climate around here."

"Or maybe the animators grew lazy when they made this game. Then again, the N64 isn't the most powerful game console out there. Maybe they just couldn't fit any more monsters into the game."

"What have I said about breaking the fourth wall?"

"Right. Sorry about that. Anyways, you'd think Ganondorf would at least set a few monsters loose on the field to stop Link. That's what I would do if I had an army of monster minions."

Suddenly, the ground started shaking as an ominous voice sounded from underneath.

"Heh. How perceptive of you. We _were_ supposed to remain hidden to ambush the Hero of Time but you know too much. I'm sure lord Ganondorf wouldn't mind us making another kill. Come on out boys! We've got ourselves a live one!"

The ground in front of Malon and Yuna erupted as a plethora of Redeads, Stalfos, Like-Likes, Floormasters, Skulltulas, and other monsters sprung forth. Leading them was a gigantic Poe. It was apparent that the Poe was the leader as well as the one that had spoken earlier. Malon and Yuna soon found themselves surrounded by an army of monsters.

Yuna angrily faced Malon.

"Nice going, smart one! We wouldn't be in this situation if you had kept your big fat mouth shut!"

Malon remained impassive as the Poe approached the pair.

"Any last words before my minions feast upon your flesh?"

Malon kept the same neutral expression as she faced the enormous monster.

"Just one. Do you know what the biggest benefit of working on a ranch for your whole life is?"

"Err... no?"

Malon gave an anime-style smirk before answering.

"The answer's simple: extreme physical fitness."

With that Malon jumped up nearly twenty feet into the air. All the monsters (and Yuna) watched in disbelief as Malon reached the apex of her jump. Malon then formed a fist and aimed it at the ground. With a ferocious yell, she came hurtling down, fist-first, towards the crowd. Before the monsters could hightail it out of there, Malon's fist impacted. The blast was like a nuclear explosion. Everything within a mile radius was turned to dust. Anything beyond that was buffeted by an immense shock wave that could have toppled a buffalo.

**xxx**

At the moment, Link was journeying up Death Mountain to Goron City. Unfortunately, a constant stream of rolling boulders impeded his path.

"Link, be careful! You nearly got crushed by that boulder just now! The point is to avoid those rocks!"

Link grimaced in annoyance at his fairy's pestering.

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Well, you aren't doing a very good job at it! Hey, watch out! There's another boulder coming at you!"

"Ugh! If I dodge this one, will you please SHUT UP?"

"Sure."

"Finally! Okay, come at me, you giant piece of rock! This is going to be a piece of ca..."

At that moment, the shock wave created by Malon knocked Link off his feet...

and straight into the path of the rolling boulder.

"Link. You fail."

"Shut up Navi," a very flat Hero of Time responded.

**xxx**

Once the dust cleared, only three figures could be seen standing. One was, obviously, Malon. The other was Yuna and the third was the giant Poe. Yuna and the Poe looked at one another with a confused expression.

"How in Hyrule did we survive that blast?"

Malon dusted off her hand as she approached the two.

"Easy. Everyone knows that allied characters never get hurt by a teammates attack in a video game. As for the giant Poe, he still has around five HP left, so he survived."

"Stop breaking the...! You know what? I give up. Go ahead and destroy the universe. I don't give a damn anymore."

The giant Poe seized this opportunity to sneak off. Unfortunately for him, Malon noticed.

"Come back here. I'm not done with you yet."

The Poe gave a terrified whimper as Malon dramatically walked towards him.

"Please! Don't kill me!"

By now, Malon was right in front of the Poe. She gave the monster a glare that caused the Poe to shrink back in pure terror.

"Mercy is for the weak."

The Poe gave a girly shriek and tried to get away. He wasn't fast enough.

"Malon Punch!"

With a final scream, the Poe exploded as the punch connected. Suddenly, triumphant music started to play as a dialogue box appeared out of nowhere.

**Malon gained 1584 Exp. Points!**

**Malon is now level 18!**

**Malon obtained silver rupee!**

"Okay. That was weird."

Yuna shook off her surprised look and walked over to Malon.

"WTF? Why are you that powerful? And why did you suddenly turn bad-ass when you killed that Poe? I swear, if you were an OC, you would definitely be counted as a Mary Sue."

Malon gave a puzzled look.

"Huh? I thought you were against breaking the fourth wall."

"I told you. I don't give a damn anymore. Anyways, we should continue on to Kakariko Village. We've wasted enough time here."

"Alright. Besides, this chapters starting to get a little too long. We should end it before we overdo it."

"You already did that. Still, this is the pilot chapter so I don't think the readers will really mind."

"Heh heh. Its fun breaking the fourth wall, isn't it?"

Yuna just gave a sigh.

"Trust me, this will definitely come back and haunt us one day. Ugh. Why does it feel like this is going to be a very long adventure?"

"Don't worry. This story's only a mini-series. It'll probably only have around ten chapters or so."

"Then lets hope it stays that way."


	2. Onward to Kakariko Village!

This is probably the fastest update I've ever made. Woohoo! Go me!

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><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<br>****Ch 2: Onward to Kakariko Village!**

"... and that's how Twilight was created," Yuna finished.

"Wow. You weren't kidding when you said you were going to tell me a scary story. I don't think I've ever heard anything quite so disturbing or vulgar before in my life."

"Oh, I haven't even started yet. That was only part one. Wait till I tell you about how the other three books were created. You won't be able to sleep for at least a month."

"Can we please talk about something else?"

Yuna gave a smug smirk.

"Why? Does it bother you?"

"You know very well that it does."

"Then, no. I think I'm going to have some fun with this. Ahem. I'll tell you about how New Moon was created. It all started with..."

"Say any more and I'll tell really bad cow jokes."

"Ha! You think that's going to stop me?"

"Fine. You asked for it. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."

Yuna stared dumbfounded at Malon.

"What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."

One of Yuna's eyes began to twitch.

"What do you call a cow priestess? A holy cow."

"Stop! You win! Just stop with the horrible cow jokes already!"

Now it was Malon's turn to pass a smirk.

The two continued on in silence. After walking along for at least an hour, the two decided to stop and rest underneath a lone tree. Yuna looked around her and gave an irritated "moo."

"How much farther do we have to go?"

"The village is probably still a day or two away."

Yuna just gave another "moo" and started eating the barley Malon got out for her. As for Malon, she unpacked and ate a sandwich she had brought. After eating for a bit, Yuna decided to ask something that had been bothering her since the first chapter.

"Hey, farmer girl. Quick question. Just how strong are you?"

"Hmm? What do you mean?"

"I mean, were you holding back when you obliterated those monsters on the field?"

Malon suddenly put away the sandwich and got up. She then proceeded to walk away.

"Hey, where ya going?"

"I thought I'd just show you the full extent of my power..."

**xxx**

_Meanwhile, somewhere in the Fire Temple..._

An enormous serpentine dragon waited in a dark cavern lit only by the blue flames enveloping the dragon's entire body. The beast was easily over three hundred feet long and had teeth the size of a full grown man. Its front claws were viciously serrated and just as long as its teeth were. Its pitch-black eyes showed only pure malice.

After a few minutes, a hologram of Ganondorf appeared in front of the dragon. The monster immediately bowed its head before the King of Evil.

"Lord Ganondorf."

Ganondorf waved off the monster's bow.

"Volvagia. I assume all the preparations are complete?"

"Of course, my lord. The entire Fire Temple is now one huge deathtrap. I've prepared over a hundred Beamos statues in the main foyer as well as an array of hidden saw blades in the surrounding hallways. I've also taken the liberty of adding numerous spiked-pit fall traps all around the temple. As soon as the Hero of Time steps in, his fate will be sealed."

"Excellent. I did well to entrust you with the Fire Temple."

"Thank you, sir. It is an honor to..."

Suddenly, a smaller serpentine dragon came into the cavern. This dragon had red flames surrounding its body. It immediately took notice of the blue-flamed dragon and flew over.

"Hey, big bro! Whatcha doing?"

The larger dragon let out a hiss of annoyance and turned to face its younger sibling.

"I'm having a meeting with my boss! Now leave me alone and go listen to your Justin Beaver songs or something!"

"Hmph! Its Bieber, not Beaver!"

"I don't care if his last name's Platypus! Just go away!"

"Fine, Mister Grumpy Pants. I hate you."

With that, the red-flamed dragon flew off.

Ganondorf eventually broke the awkward silence.

"Er, who was that?"

"My little sister, Volvagia II. She's a royal pain in the ass."

"Wait, wait, wait. You're both named Volvagia?"

"Yeah. My full name is Volvagia I. If there was one thing my parents sucked at, it was making up names. They actually got my uncle to name his kid Jack."

"I don't see anything wrong with that."

"His last name's Goff."

"Oh."

Another awkward silence commenced.

"So, what happened with the Forest Temple? As for that matter, who'd you place as the boss for that place?"

"Phantom Ganondorf. Damn guy spent so much time flirting with the Poe sisters that he forgot his daily tennis practice."

"That sucks. Speaking of tennis, don't you have a tennis lesson soon?"

"Yeah. I have to leave in about five minutes. Ugh. I've never realized just how hard tennis actually is."

"Isn't your coach Roger Federer? I don't see how tennis could be hard with a world champion coaching you."

"Fact of the matter is, I don't have much time to practice. I mean, aside from tennis, I also have organ playing lessons, fencing lessons, architecture class, an evil laughter session, and a magic club."

"Magic club sounds fun. Mind if I come over after killing Link?"

"Not at all. Just make sure you bring your deck."

"Oh. You were talking about _Magic_ as in the card game. Never mind. I have an allergy to nerds."

Ganondorf gave Volvagia a death glare.

"You seem pretty sure that you'll be the one to kill Link."

"Why shouldn't I be? The only way Link will survive my temple is if I suffer from a sudden and unexpected death."

At that exact moment, an enormous boulder the size of King Dodongo crashed through the ceiling and crushed Volvagia I's head. He was killed instantly.

Ganondorf could only stare in shock.

"WTF? Why would a giant boulder suddenly come flying in? That doesn't even make any sense!"

Volvagia II chose to appear right then. She immediately noticed her dead brother and flew over to Ganondorf.

"So. Does this mean I'm in charge of the Fire Temple now?"

"What the hell is wrong with you? Your brother just got killed by a giant flying boulder! Shouldn't you show at least some remorse?"

"Meh. He was always a jerk to me. Anyways, is the temple mine or not?"

Whatever Ganondorf wanted to say was interrupted by his watch's beeping.

"Shit! My tennis lesson's about to start! Fine! You're in charge until I find a suitable replacement!"

"Yipee! Now then, the first thing I'm going to do is redecorate this entire place. That means all those Beamos statues will have to go. They're such an eyesore. Oh yeah. I should also get rid of those saw blades and pit fall traps. They keep getting in my way whenever I'm trying to go to the kitchen to make a Goron sandwich. After I'm done with this place, it'll look like something out of a magazine!"

Afraid that he'd be late for his tennis lesson, Ganondorf could do little but face palm.

**xxx**

Malon and Yuna were once again on their way to Kakariko Village. Yuna was staring at Malon in disbelief the whole time.

"I still can't believe you just threw a boulder of that size halfway across Hyrule!"

"Lets not forget the fact that I did it with only my index finger."

Yuna continued to gape in shock until a fly flew into her mouth.

"Bleh! Anyways, if you're that powerful, why don't you just take on Ganondorf yourself? You'd probably take him down in three seconds."

"Two reasons. First, this story would become way too short then. There wouldn't be much fun if I just walked up and Malon Punched Ganondorf's entire castle or something. The second reason is that this is a 'meanwhile' story. That means Link has to continue on in his quest just like he would in the game. If I killed Ganondorf, that would screw up the entire storyline."

"You do realize just how inaccurate this whole 'meanwhile' storyline is, right? For example, Link could have just skipped the Fire Temple and gone on straight to the Spirit Temple. Seeing as how anything we do won't affect Link if he decides to go against the normal dungeon order, the whole point of us serving as a reason for certain situations is totally pointless."

"Stop confusing the readers with logic! You might scare away potential reviewers if you keep doing that! Hey, author guy! Hurry and switch over to Link's point of view before Yuna tries to make your story more illogical!"

**xxx**

_A few days later, in the Fire Temple..._

"Hey, Navi. Don't you think this temple's a bit too easy? We haven't faced a single serious deathtrap since we entered here."

"That's no reason for you to get complacent! We're still inside a freaking volcano, so watch your step!"

"You worry too much. I bet this temple's going to be a cinch."

At that moment, a wall of fire suddenly appeared and started to approach Link.

"Link, watch out! There's a wall of fire coming at you!"

"Geez, Navi! Way to state the obvious!"

Link ran across the metal platforms as fast as he could in an effort to outrun the flames.

"Wait. _Metal_ platforms? How in the world are they not being melted by the lava underneath?"

"This is no time for logic, Navi! This is a time for action!"

With that, Link faced a sheer wall and prepared to jump.

"Link! What are you thinking? There's no way you'll be able to jump to the top of that wall! Its not physically possible!"

In one swift movement, Link jumped up and somehow grabbed onto the edge of the wall. Navi could only stare in open shock while Link pulled himself up.

"But... but... how...?"

Link dusted off his hands and looked at Navi with a smug expression.

"Easy. My hair gives me the power to defy gravity!"

Navi immediately sucker-punched Link in the face.

"I told you not to make bad imitations of LittleKuriboh's jokes! There's plenty enough of that out there without you doing it as well!"

"Oww! Don't blame me! Blame the stupid author who's making me say these stuff!"

"I also told you not to break the fourth wall!"

With that, Navi ripped off Link's Fire Tunic and threw him into the lava pit below.

**xxx**

Malon and Yuna finally stood before the entrance to Kakariko Village.

"Alright, lets hurry up and ask for directions. Hopefully, we'll get you to your new home by the time we reach chapter three. That is, if we don't bump into any unexpected delays."

Cue unexpected delay.

"Oh, come on!"

Suddenly, a small, bearded man in a cloak approached the two. He had a crazed look in his eyes and was twitching like a madman. Malon and Yuna tried to sidestep around the lunatic but the man continued to block their path.

"Umm, excuse me, sir. Can we please..."

"Repent! Repent! The end is nigh!"

Malon and Yuna looked at one another with a worried expression.

"Sir? Are you feeling well?"

The man immediately focused his bloodshot eyes on Malon.

"I have seen the future! A horrible, horrible future! The world as we know it shall be flooded by the Goddesses themselves! And that's not the worst part! We'll all be mutated into horrible cartoon figures! Repent!"

With that, the crazy guy ran off.

"Er, that was weird."

"Moo! No kidding. I mean, the whole world being flooded? What kind of a lame prediction is that?"

"Yeah, you're right. That's almost as lame as a future where Hyrule is invaded by an usurper king from another dimension."

"Strange comparison, but yeah."

"Anywho, let's hurry and get to the village before this chapter ends."

"Good point. It would suck if we had to wait until a whole new chapter after all the hard work we spent to actually get here."

**To be continued...**

"Oh, come on!"


	3. Why Men Don't Ask for Directions

**Malon's Epic Cow Delivery  
><strong>**Ch 3: Why Men Don't Ask for Directions**

"Finally! We're here at last!"

Malon and Yuna triumphantly walked into Kakariko Village. After days of laboring through Hyrule Field, the two had finally arrived at their destination.

"So, who do we ask for directions?"

"Beats me. I just figured we'd randomly ask people and hope to get a straight answer."

Yuna somehow face palmed as the two began their epic quest of... asking for directions.

The first person they ran into was a red-haired beggar in green clothes. As the pair approached him, they saw that he was constantly patting his knees. Malon looked at him with a confused expression.

"Er, why are you patting your knees like that?"

"I'm trying to keep the blood flowing through my legs! Do you know how uncomfortable kneeling around all day is?"

"Why don't you just stand up?"

The beggar suddenly went ballistic.

"STAND UP? Do you know what you're talking about? It's against every code known to beggars to even mention standing up! It would dishonor the memory of my ancestors! I'd rather die than think about standing up!"

"Whoa there! I didn't mean to offend your religion or anything! But hold on a second. Weren't you in Castle Town seven years ago? For that matter, you seemed to disappear during the night as well. How do you move around?"

"Let's just say that it involves lots and lots of butter."

"Uhh..."

"Anyways, do you have anything you'd like to sell me?"

"Not really. I just wanted to ask if you knew how to get to Kokiri Forest."

"Kokiri Forest? Never heard of it. If its any help, I know how to get to Faron Woods. You just have to travel a few hundred years into the future and then..."

"Er, no thanks. We're fine."

Malon quickly walked away from the strange man with Yuna following close behind.

"Well, that was pointless. Why don't we try the shop next? I need to restock on our food supply anyways."

Malon and Yuna wound their way through town until they eventually reached the shop. Luckily for them, the place was rather crowded so no one said anything about a cow walking into the store.

"Okay. We need a few extra pounds of barley for you and maybe some dried fruits for me. Let's see now... Oh! What's this?"

Malon picked up a bottle with a strange blue flame inside it. She found a label on it that read:

**Caution. Blue Fire. This is a cool flame that can melt anything that it comes in contact with.**

"Melt anything? If that's true, how come its not burning through this bottle right now?" Malon asked.

As soon as she said that, the Blue Fire melted the bottle and slowly continued to burn its way into the earth.

"Er... No one saw that."

Yuna stared at the hole in the ground with concern.

"You do realize that the flame will eventually reach the mantle and start a volcanic eruption, right?"

"Oh, please. That fire will burn itself out way before it goes anywhere near the mantle."

"Moo. Whatever. I just get the feeling something terrible is going to happen later thanks to this."

"You worry too..."

Malon suddenly looked as if she was about to faint.

"Um, farmer girl? What's with the sudden stun?"

"I just felt a major disturbance in the force. It was like a thousand souls cried out in anguish and then was suddenly silenced."

"What do you think happened?"

"Either the Death Star just blew up Alderaan, or..."

"Or what?" Yuna asked nervously.

"Or Link just got..."

**xxx**

_Somewhere in the Fire Temple..._

"I got the Megaton Hammer!"

"Din save us all," Navi muttered as Link began to wildly swing the hammer around, destroying anything that he could see.

**xxx**

_Somewhere in the outer heavens..._

"Hey, Din! Navi's asking you to save everyone from that moron called Link!"

"Shut up, Nayru! I'm trying to get some sleep! I'm too tired to do anything right now!"

"Oh, you did not just tell me to shut up! If you weren't being so lazy seven years ago, you could have stopped Ganondorf from getting the Triforce of Power in the first place! Do you know how much paperwork Farore and I need to fill out thanks to all the people Ganondorf's killed?"

"What are you complaining about? I'm helping with the paperwork as well!"

"I'm just saying you should get off your lazy ass more often!"

"Oh, so that's how you want it? I'm definitely going to get off my ass now to kick yours!"

"Bring it on, bitch!"

The cat fight that ensued caused the destruction of Krypton, Middle Earth, and Atlantis.

**xxx**

"Well, thanks anyways Mr. Pop-tart Cat."

"Nyan Cat," Yuna corrected.

"Whatever."

With that, Nyan Cat flew off, leaving a sparkling trail of rainbows behind him.

"Hey, Yuna. How many people have we asked for directions so far?"

"Let's see. There was Dr. Hax, Vegeta, Aldaris, Ghost Nappa, Admiral Ackbar, and Nyan Cat just now."

"Maybe we should stop asking internet memes for directions and start asking real people."

"I concur."

Malon and Yuna continued on their way until they met some random man.

"Um, excuse me. Do you happen to know where Kokiri Forest is?" Malon asked.

"Kokiri Forest? No. Not really. On the other hand, there's a serious outbreak of Redeads in the graveyard. Do you mind getting rid of them for us?"

"Sorry, but we're rather busy."

"I'll pay you a thousand rupees."

"On second thought, I'll go get rid of them for you."

**xxx**

_Later, at the Kakariko graveyard..._

After investigating around for a bit, Malon and Yuna made their way into a suspicious looking hole which led them to a large underground cavern.

"Hey, farmer girl. You do realize that Redeads are notorious for ass raping their victims, right?"

"Silly Yuna. _Ocarina of Time_ was rated E. Those zombies were probably just latching onto their prey to suck out their life energy or something."

"It didn't look that way when they got Link. I think part of the brain damage he has now was caused by a traumatic experience with some Redeads when he was young."

"How do you know what happened to Link all those years ago? For that matter, how do you even know who Link is? You've never even seen him before."

"I have my ways of finding out stuff. For example, I could tell you that the next LoZ game after _Skyward Sword _is going to be..."

Whatever Yuna wanted to say was interrupted by an ear-piercing screech. Malon and Yuna found themselves paralyzed as a dozen or so Redeads appeared from the shadows and slowly made their way towards them.

"WTF? This story's rated T! You can't let those things get me!" Malon yelled out.

Suddenly, the Redead closest to Malon stopped and seemed to stare at her. It let out a disappointed moan and turned towards its fellow zombies.

"False alarm, guys. Its a girl."

All the other Redeads let out simultaneous groans of disappointment and started to amble away. The head Redead turned again to face Malon.

"Sorry about that miss. We're not interested in women."

Malon just stared with an awkward look on her face as the Redead walked away to rejoin its peers.

"Redeads are... gay?" Yuna asked.

"Well... It seems that way. That does explain why they seem to love Link so much."

"Umm, yeah. Anyways, what do we do now? If we kill these Redeads, the Gay Rights activists will probably want our heads on a pike."

"Eh, there's a thousand rupees on the line here. I'm not going to pass off an opportunity like this. Try to get out of this cave before I collapse it."

"And just how are you going to do that?"

"With this."

Suddenly, a swirling blue ball of energy appeared on Malon's raised palm.

"Is that a...?"

"Yep. Special favor with the author. Don't question it right now."

Yuna nodded in understanding before hightailing it out of the doomed cave.

"Rasengan!"

**xxx**

_Meanwhile, in the Fire Temple's boss chamber..._

"Man! I've never faced a boss this powerful before!"

Link rolled out of the way to avoid another dive from Volvagia.

"Link, you stupid idiot! Use the Megaton Hammer! Its obvious that the only way to defeat this boss is to use the item we got in this dungeon! We've done this routine four times already!"

"Shut it Navi! The hammer's only supposed to be used for mindless destruction, not battling dragons!"

"What kind of moronic logic led you to that conclusion?"

Volvagia interrupted Navi's rant with a deafening roar.

"How dare you ruin my perfect dungeon! The photographers from the magazine company were going to come over and take pictures of this place today! Thanks to you, I had to reschedule everything! Prepare to die!"

With that, Volvagia unleashed a torrent of scorching flames at Link and Navi.

"Not so fast!" Link shouted out. "I activate my face-down trap: Fairy Shield! Now, by sacrificing one of my fairy-type monsters, I can negate your attack! I sacrifice Navi!"

Volvagia's flame immediately dissipated a few feet away from Link. Meanwhile, Navi turned to glare death at her companion.

"If I ever come back alive, consider yourself dead," Navi ominously declared as she vaporized into tiny pixels.

**xxx**

After collapsing the entire cavern, Malon had punched her way out from its ruins. Yuna was still having a hard time comprehending what had just happened. The two travelers walked out of the graveyard with Yuna staring dumbfounded at Malon once again. Eventually, Malon took notice of Yuna's staring.

"Er, something wrong Yuna? I don't have something on my face, do I?"

"What the fuck are you? You have super strength _and _the power to use techniques from _Naruto_? What are you going to do next? Grow wings and start flying around? Or maybe you'll fire a Kamehameha at the next enemy we face!"

"Whoa! What's with the sudden rant? I thought that was Navi's job? Anyways, I already told you. The author's given me the power to use a few choice _Naruto_ moves in exchange that I kill a certain somebody for him."

"And just who might that be?"

"I don't know. He just said its somebody we'll meet later on."

"Then let me ask him now. Yo! Author person! Who do you want dead so much that you'd turn Malon into a near goddess to do so?"

Just wait a few chapters and you'll find out.

"That was helpful," Yuna sarcastically remarked.

"Well, no use worrying about it. Anyways, I've just thought of someone that could potentially help us find Kokiri Forest."

"And who might that be?"

"She's an old friend of mine. Her name's Anju."

**xxx**

_A few minutes later..._

"Hi, Anju! How's it been? Still working to create a Cucco you're not allergic to?"

"Oh, hi Malon! No. I've already created that a few months ago. I'm currently trying to find a way to stop that Rupee Grass Virus that I accidentally created all those years ago."

"Ah, the infamous Rupee Grass Virus. Was that the one that made money grow from plants?"

"Unfortunately, yes. It nearly caused the total destruction of Hyrule's economy. Even now, we're suffering from the major price inflation."

"Moo! Can you stop the chitchat and ask for the freakin directions?"

Anju stared at Yuna in surprise.

"Umm, is that one of my old experiments?"

"Oh, no. Cows had the ability to talk thousands of years before us Hylians could. Anju, say hi to Yuna. Yuna, this is Anju."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, crazy scientist lady, do you know how to get to Kokiri Forest?"

"Kokiri Forest? Sorry. I don't have a clue on that one. However, I think the Bernson family might know."

"The Bernson family? Aren't they the ones that you turned into half-Skulltula mutants by accident?"

"In my defense, if that spray had worked, I would've made the ultimate insect repellent spray."

"Er, yeah. By the way, are they still believing that lie you told them? About them being cursed for being greedy and all that?"

"Hey! Don't even think about telling them the truth! They could sue all of my research funds away from me!"

Yuan gave another impatient sounding "moo".

"Well, it looks like we're leaving now. Thanks for the advice, Anju."

"Glad to be of help. Oh, yeah. If you run into any Peahats, my bad. I really didn't think that pineapples could mutate that far. Well, see ya!"

Malon and Yuna hurriedly walked away from the mad scientist.

**xxx**

_Meanwhile, in the Chamber of Sages..._

"... take that SkulltulaMan312! God, I love hacking online games!"

"Umm, Darunia? What're you doing?"

Darunia looked up from his laptop in surprise.

"Link! How did you get past the dungeon that quickly?"

"You do realize that it's been four days since we last met, right? Wait a second. Did you lock the boss door on purpose so I'd have to rescue all the Gorons _and_ defeat Volvagia while you were busy playing computer games?"

"Uhh, no?"

"I'M GOING TO FREAKIN KILL YOU!"

"Ahhhh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Here! I'll give you a Klondike bar along with the Fire Medallion! Just don't swing your hammer around like that!"

"Ooh! A Klondike bar! Okay. I forgive you."

"Phew! That was a close one."

"Hold on. This Klondike bar's melted!"

"Hey, don't blame me! Blame Rauru! He's the one that's too cheap to buy a fridge for this place!"

"Don't care! It's hammer time!"

"Fuck! Rauru! Saria! Help me get this lunatic out of here!"

**xxx**

_At the Kakariko Skulltula House..._

"Hey, overpowered farmer girl. Who exactly is this Bernson family?"

"They used to be one of the richest families in all of Hyrule. Unfortunately, ever since Anju's little "experiment", they've had to confine themselves in their house."

"That must be painful. I mean, what do they do all day in a desolate place like this?"

"What all shut-ins do. Play MMORPGs."

Yuna and Malon walked into a rather interesting scene. A couple of half-Skulltula mutants had their laptops opened and were engrossed in their game.

"What the...? That guy just stole my kill! Hax!"

"Was it PartyCraze734? That guy's been hacking all day! Someone should ban him!"

"Dude! He just robbed all of my equipment! Get him!"

Malon decided then to get the families attention.

"Excuse me! Hello? Can I just ask you guys a quick question?"

Not one of the spider people answered her. After trying to get the family's attention for half an hour, Malon decided to try a different approach.

"Chidori Stream!"

All of the computers in the room overloaded as it was zapped by a current of electricity.

"What the fuck? What did you do that for?"

"Look, I just need to ask one simple question and I'll be on my way. Do any of you know how to get to Kokiri Forest?"

"Like we'd tell you after you fried our computers!"

"They're just overloaded. Wait a few minutes and they'll be fine."

"Doesn't matter. I'm still not telling you anything."

"Malon Punch!"

Everyone in the room now turned their full attention towards Malon as she wiped her hands of the poor Skulltula mutant's remains.

"Alright, listen up. I've had a frustrating couple of days in this village. Either you give me an answer or I'll start 2012 early for you guys."

"We... we'll tell you anything! Just don't kill us!"

"Okay. Do any of you know how to get to Kokiri Forest?"

"Er, Tim does."

"Who's Tim?"

"The guy that you're wiping off your hands right now."

Malon looked ready to explode.

"Wait! The rest of us don't know how to get there exactly but we know someone that does! Go ask Princess Ruto of the Zoras! She'll know the location!"

"Fine. Thanks for the help."

"D..d...d...don't mention it."

Malon turned around and stormed out of the house. Yuna took one last look at Tim's remains and hurriedly followed Malon out.

Yuna kept silent until she was sure that Malon had calmed down.

"Wow. I didn't know you could be that vicious. I think I just found some new respect for you."

"It's like I said earlier. I've had a frustrating couple of days."

"I guess this is why men don't ask for directions."

"You said it."


	4. Water Temple Mayhem

Just a heads up. I might not be able to update for about a week or so due to school related stuff. If you haven't already, you can read my evil council fics to help pass the time. I'll try to update as soon as possible so keep your eyes out for it! Also, if you liked the chapter, please review. Your reviews are what keeps this story going. By the way, thanks to everyone who's already reviewed so far! You guys can all get Malon to kill someone or something you really hate! Now then, on with the story!

* * *

><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<strong>  
><strong>Ch 4: Water Temple Mayhem<strong>

"Chidori!"

"Ugh!" The foe grunted.

"Your life ends now," Malon stated coldly.

"No! How could I lose to someone like you?" the opponent rasped out.

Malon didn't answer. Instead, she grabbed Yuna and threw her at the enemy, thus ending his miserable, horrible, friendless, shit of a life.

"Was it really necessary throw me at him?" Yuna grumbled as she got off of her unlucky victim.

"Yes. I wanted to make his death as humiliating as possible. Anyhow, looks like I've fulfilled my end of the deal with the author. I wonder if he'll let me keep my _Naruto_ powers, though?"

"Let's ask him. Hey, author! Are you going to allow Malon to keep her _Naruto_ powers?"

…

"That's strange, why's he silent?"

"Maybe he's off the computer."

"If that's true, how the hell are we still talking?"

… and stay off of my computer! Alright, then. Time to start on Malon's Epic Cow... WHAT THE FUCK? You were writing my story? How many times do I have to tell you to keep away from my stuff?

"What in Farore's name is happening?"

Sorry about that. My sister was hogging the computer. Give me a second while I look over the damage she's caused.

"Umm..."

What the...? Who'd you two kill?

"I don't know. Some guy in a blue shirt and a headband on his head."

Don't tell me. My sister just made you kill Sasuke, didn't she?

"I think that's what he called himself. Why? Isn't he the one you wanted dead?"

No! Well, I mean yes. But I didn't give you those godly powers just so you could kill someone as trivial as Sasuke!

"Then who did you want us to kill?"

I told you already! You'll meet up with your target in a few chapters! Stop bugging me about it!

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today."

Okay, you know what? Just for that, I'm going to make this chapter a filler!

"No! Anything but..."

Too late!

**xxx**

_Somewhere on Death Mountain Trail..._

"Alright, two temples down, three more to go! Now which temple did I have to go to next? Hey, Navi! Can you tell me... Oh, that's right. I sacrificed Navi. Damn. Maybe getting rid of her wasn't such a good idea after all. Hmm. Well, she'll try to kill me but at least I'll find out where to go to next. Okay then. I activate Monster Reborn!"

A bright circle of light appeared on the ground as soon as he said this. Seconds later, Navi came out looking unusually calm.

"Please don't kill me!" Link yelled as he assumed the fetal position.

Navi gave Link a confused look.

"I'm not going to kill you. Why would I do that to a friend?"

Link stopped rocking back and forth and opened one of his eyes to make sure that he had brought back Navi and not a Disney character.

"What? But you swore to kill me if I ever brought you back!"

"What are you talking about?"

Link gave an enormous sigh of relief as he stood back up.

"Phew. For a second there, I thought you'd rip my limbs off or something. I don't know what happened, but it seems you're suffering from short term memory loss. Whoo hoo, lucky me!"

Navi suddenly seemed lost in thought.

"Hmm. Now that you mention it, I think I vaguely remember saying something like that. Oh, that's right. I _did_ swear to kill you. Thanks for reminding me."

Unfortunately, I can't write what happens next since the story's only rated T. However, I can tell you that it involved a chainsaw, Link's organs, Tabasco sauce, and a llama.

**xxx**

_Somewhere in the Water Temple..._

"Morpha! Where are you?"

A hologram of Ganondorf stood impatiently as he waited for his minion to arrive.

"Over here. In my swimming pool."

Ganondorf walked over to the enormous swimming pool and saw the familiar red ball that was Morpha.

"Can you stop fooling around and get up here? My scouts told me that Link's going to head over here next. I want to know if you have this place ready."

"Of course its ready. I've spent a fortune on this place. Those lame temples that the other bosses have are vastly inferior compared to my masterpiece."

"Right. I've been meaning to ask you this for quite a while. Where exactly did you get all this money from? The last time I checked, you were barely paying off your mortgage payments."

"Oh, I got into the water bottling business. That gig was so profitable that I also bought off nearly all of Hyrule's water lines. Now, as you can see, I'm living the dream. Man, it's good to be rich!"

"Do you really have to rub your wealth in everyone's face?"

"Why not? Speaking of which, do you want anything to eat?"

"Wha...? I'm talking to you through a hologram! How the hell am I supposed to eat anything?"

"Well, if you don't want anything, you could just say so. As for me, I'm in the mood for some Zora caviar. Hey, butler! Bring me some of that fresh caviar you bought today!"

A few moments later, a very irritated looking Dark Link came in.

"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not your butler! I'm just your freakin plumber!"

"Yeah, yeah. Either way, you're on my payroll so it'd be in your best interest to follow my orders."

"Grr, fine. By the way, one of your toilet's backed up. The whole place looks like a giant whirlpool right now, so I wouldn't go in there if I were you."

"Sure. Oh, yeah. Bring the food on those new golden plates that I bought last week. I want to see how good they look."

"Ugh, fine. Should I turn on the jacuzzi feature before I go?"

"Of course."

The entire pool bubbled to life as Dark Link turned on the jacuzzi. He walked out grumbling something about listening to his mother and going to college.

"So, is that the only reason you came here for? To warn me about Link?" Morpha asked a very irked Ganondorf.

"Of course not! If you could stop lounging around in your money, I..."

Ganondorf was interrupted by Dark Link making an announcement over the intercom.

"Mr. Morpha. Sir Gyorg is on the line. Should I patch him through?"

"Please do."

A very gruff sounding voice came on.

"Morpha, I'm calling to finalize the deal we were talking about the other day."

"Yes, yes. The one about merging our two water line companies. I've already had my butler..."

"Plumber!" Dark Link cut in.

"... whatever, fill out the forms. With any luck, we'll have monopolized both Hyrule's and Termina's water supply by next month."

"Only if you personally sign the papers legalizing the deal."

"I'll do that as soon as I get rid of that pest, Link. My colleague, Ganondorf, is a bit obsessed with getting rid of that idiot."

"Who are you calling colleague, you minion?"

"Oops. Looks like I've hit a nerve. Look, I'll call you later. I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment."

"Sure. See you later."

By now, Ganondorf was steaming with frustration.

"So, Ganny. What exactly did you want to tell me?"

"It's Ganondorf! And I'm _your_ boss, not the other way around!"

"Whatever. Is that all you had to say?"

"NO! I want you to stop Link before he gets to your temple! I don't want to run the risk of him freeing another sage!"

"Alright, alright. Dark Link! Bring me the weapon as well as the caviar!"

"Oh, for Din's sake! Can't you do anything yourself?"

"Yes. But its more fun ordering you around to do it."

A few minutes later, Dark Link came in with both the caviar as well as a gigantic laser cannon. Ganondorf looked skeptically at the huge weapon.

"What exactly does this thing do?"

"It shoots freezer rays at its target. How do you think I froze over Zora's Domain?"

"Oh."

"Anyways, I figure Link will travel to Zora's Domain first to look for clues about my temple's whereabouts. Seeing as such, why don't I just create a gigantic ice wall between him and his destination? Butler! Freeze the pathway between Hyrule Field and Zora's Domain!"

"Plumber!" Dark Link retaliated as he made the preparations. As the weapon warmed up, he also opened up the ceiling with a remote.

"You have a retractable ceiling?" Ganondorf asked.

"Its my sunroof. Cost me a few grands but it was worth every rupee."

Finally, the weapon became fully charged. Dark Link put in the final coordinates and opened fire. An enormous beam of freezing energy shot out into the sky and flew towards its target location.

"See? Problem solved."

For once, Ganondorf looked impressed.

"Why don't you freeze off the way into Lake Hylia as well? You know, just in case Link somehow finds his way here."

"Sure thing. Dark Link! Fire another round at every pathway into Lake Hylia! Oh, except for the mail delivery route. I ordered a set of ornamental diamond figurines to decorate the temple with. It should be here in a few days. Anyways, open fire!"

"You don't have to shout! I'm right next to you!"

As Dark Link began to prepare the weapon again, Ganondorf couldn't help but gloat.

"Ha! With the entrance to the Water Temple cut off, Link can't ever hope to rescue the Water Sage! Now my evil reign can continue indefinitely! Mwa ha ha ha!"

Just then, an enormous chunk of ice flew in through the open ceiling and crushed the laser. All three villains in the room watched with open mouths as the remnants of the weapon sparked out of life.

"WHAT THE FU...?"

**xxx**

"Stupid author, and his stupid fillers, and his stupid writing style..." Malon muttered as she continued storming towards Zora's Domain.

"Moo. Maybe you should calm down a bit?"

Yuna instantly realized that she had made a horrible mistake when Malon whipped around to confront her.

"Shut up! It wasn't enough that he made this chapter a filler, he had to go and create a giant ice wall to slow our progress as well! He makes me so made that I just want to... Augh!"

In her rage, Malon grabbed a large tree that was next to her and uprooted it.

"This is what I think of you!" Malon shouted as she threw the unfortunate plant towards the heavens.

**xxx**

_Back at the Water Temple..._

"What do you mean my insurance doesn't cover giant flying ice chunks? Look! I pay over a hundred thousand rupees every month for my damn insurance and you have the nerve to tell me that I'm not covered? You know what? You'll be hearing from my lawyers soon!"

Morpha angrily hung up and turned towards Ganondorf.

"Looks like I won't be freezing anything anytime soon. Ugh. Now what do I do?"

"Don't you have any other fancy weapons you could use on Link?"

"Well, I do have that nifty illusion generator machine a few floors below. Maybe we can do something with..."

Morpha was cut off as a gigantic tree fell through the ceiling and crashed its way through several floors before finally embedding itself in the illusion generator room.

"WHO THE HELL IS THROWING THESE THINGS?"

**xxx**

Malon continued her rage filled walk towards Zora's Domain with Yuna following a safe distance behind her.

"Would it kill you to shut up? I'm trying to get to my destination before this stupid filler's over!"

Well, if I shut up, you really wouldn't be able to do anything.

"I don't care! I swear, if you ever write a self-insert, I will personally hunt you down and kill you with my bare hands!"

Okay! Will you stop raging at me if I warp you over to Zora's Domain?

"Maybe."

Fine. Malon and Yuna suddenly found themselves at the entrance to Zora's Domain. There, happy?

"Meh, fine. I forgive you. For now..."

**xxx**

_Water Temple, again..._

"... and also fix that huge hole that the tree made."

Dark Link went off grumbling to fulfill his employer's wishes. Meanwhile, Ganondorf waited impatiently yet again to speak with Morpha.

"You done giving orders to your... plumber?"

"Yeah. What are you still hanging around for? All I can do now is wait for Link to come over to my temple. We're all out of options now."

"No. There is still one thing we could do."

"And what would that be?"

"My spies have informed me that Link apparently has a friend that he's very close with. A certain Malon LonLon."

"Where are you trying to go with this?"

"Haven't you taken Villainy 101 in college? I'm suggesting that we kidnap her and force Link into submission using her! If he values his friend's life, he'll have to do everything we tell him to do!"

"Does that include cleaning my swimming pool? Because Dark Link does a really horrible job at that."

"What? No! I was thinking more along the lines of having him capture Zelda for us! That way, I'll be able to gain all three pieces of the Triforce! It would be like killing two birds with one stone!"

"So, how exactly do you want me to capture this Malon girl? Dark Link's a bit preoccupied at the moment seeing as how he's fixing up my temple."

"Why not call _him_ over? Doesn't he owe you a favor?"

"Who are you...? Oh. I see. Man, you are evil. I'll call him over right away."

"If this plan succeeds, all of Hyrule shall forever be under my rule! Mwah ha ha ha ha!"

Ganondorf's laughter was cut short by Dark Link's voice over the intercom.

"Umm, Mr. Morpha? Bad news. Your water bottling company was just dropped from the Hyrule stock exchange. Also, that backed up toilet I mentioned earlier? Its just gotten a whole lot worse."

"What exactly does that mean?"

"I'm just saying that the room you're in now is about to be flooded with... umm..."

"SHIT!"

"Yeah, that."


	5. A Very Fishy Chapter

Before we start, I'd like to give credit to Foxpilot for his Ruto/fruit punch idea. You'll get it once you read it. Anyways, sorry for the delay. School projects were giving me a pain. Now that those are over, I can update faster! I hope...

* * *

><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<br>****Ch 5: A Very Fishy Chapter**

**Breaking News**

We interrupt your program for this breaking news. Fox McCloud has just been found murdered, marking this as the fourth in a long chain of mysterious killings to occur this week. Officials have yet to confirm who this serial killer might be. When asked about these recent killings, a resident of Kakariko Village had this to say:

"I don't know who this killer is but I hope the officials can quickly arrest this maniac and bring this person to justice."

Said commentator was found dead the next day. So far, the victims include Panther Caroso, Shadow Beast #159, the random villager mentioned above, and Fox McCloud. As a side note, Shadow Beast #159 was found with a huge stash of cookies next to his body, causing authorities to suspect that he was the mysterious cookie bandit that reigned havoc for the last few months (more details at eleven). None of the murders seem to have any connections between them, except for the fact that the victims were killed in extremely brutal ways. For now, we advice that you keep an eye out for any suspicious figures and to report them immediately to your local law enforcement agency.

In other news, Ganondorf falls behind in the polls after Senator Kirby visited Kokiri Forest just the other day. We now return to your regularly scheduled program.

**xxx**

"Wow. You sure were busy off-screen," Yuan commented in her usual bored tone.

"Couldn't help it. The author was threatening to turn this chapter into another filler if I didn't go and kill all those people/creatures," Malon answered, glaring at me as she said this.

"Yeah, but did you really have to kill Fox McCloud? Or that innocent commentator? The last time I checked, no one asked for those two guys to be killed."

"What are you talking about? I only killed Panther, Darunia, and that Shadow Beast. Unfortunately, I had to resurrect Darunia after killing him, seeing as how the story follows alongside the canon."

"Then who killed those two other guys?"

**xxx  
><strong>_And we're back at the Water Temple... again..._

"You called, Morpha?"

A hologram of a tall, hooded figure appeared in the boss chamber of the Water Temple. The mystery character looked nearly identical to Altair from _Assassin's Creed, _but with a dark red attire instead of the usual white. He stood impassively before the red ball that was currently immersed in a blue gel-like liquid.

"Ack! What are you doing here? The meeting was scheduled for two o' clock!"

"I killed my previous targets a bit sooner than I thought. Anyways, I hear that you have a job for me?"

"Yes, yes. Can you hold on a second? Dark Link! Can I get out of this sanitation gel now?"

"No. You still have another month to go."

"Ugh, fine. Damn backed up toilet..."

The hooded figure stopped Morpha's rant with a wave of his hand.

"Don't waste my time."

"Er, yes. I'll cut right to the chase. My boss, Ganondorf, wants me to kidnap some girl named Malon LonLon for him. As you can see, I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment and Dark Link's busy fixing up the temple. I was just wondering if you could go out and do this one simple job for me."

"You want me to kidnap a girl? Don't be a fool Morpha. I'm not going to bother myself with something as trivial as this."

"Hey! Don't forget about the favor you owe me! I gave you that student loan for your assassination classes!"

The hooded figure gave a sigh at this.

"Fine. I'll get around to it as soon as I'm done with the other assignments that I have right now. In exchange, you'll clear the debt. Deal?"

"Deal. Just make sure you don't screw this up."

"When have I ever failed an assignment? You can rest assured that..."

"Umm, Mr. Morpha," Dark Link interrupted, "I think we've got ourselves a problem."

"If it involves another backed up toilet, I swear I'm going to..."

"Er, no. No toilets this time. It's about that tree that flew in earlier. It seems to have fused itself with your illusion generator machine."

"So?"

"I'm afraid that the tree's making your machine go on the fritz. We might have to deal with some illusions throughout the temple."

"What kinds of illusions?"

"Umm... let's just say that there's a very horny Redead headed for you right now..."

**xxx**

Malon and Yuna made their way into the main area of Zora's Domain. Upon their arrival, however, they found a large portion of the area frozen. Even more surprising was the fact that all the Zoras were frozen underneath the ice. Strangely enough, it was Yuna, not Malon, who was more ticked off about the unexpected complication.

"Oh, come on! Now who are we supposed to ask for directions?"

"Relax. There's a simple solution to this."

"And what would that be?"

"We just find this Ruto person and then I'll get her out of the ice with my Fireball Jutsu."

"Huh. Didn't know you could use that technique. But then again, I guess I shouldn't be surprised by now. Anyways, how are we going to figure out which one is Ruto?"

"Simple. Just look for the one unique Zora. That's how Nintendo always distinguishes between important characters and basic NPCs."

And so, Malon and Yuna began to scour the entire room looking for the one unique Zora. All in all, their search didn't take that long.

"Wow, that was easy. Finding Waldo in a group of people wearing only white would've been harder than this. On the other hand, I would've never thought that a princess could look this ugly. Or fat."

"Er, farmer girl? I'm pretty sure that this isn't Princess Ruto."

"What do you mean? This is the only unique Zora we've found so far. She's even got a crown on her head."

"Maybe you should try looking at this sign over here."

"... oh."

"Apparently we're looking at King Zora, not Ruto."

"Uh, yeah. Hey, look! There's a random tunnel behind the king! Let's go investigate!"

"Don't change the subject. I want to taunt you for your mistake a bit more."

"There's no time! We have to hurry!"

With that, Malon dragged Yuna over to Zora's Fountain. Just as Zora's Domain was, the entire area was blanketed by snow and ice. However, the thing that caught the attention of our two heroes was a gigantic frozen fish that had its mouth wide open. Having no other leads, Malon and Yuna walked over to investigate the giant fish. Next to it, they found a sign that proclaimed the fish to be Lord Jabu-Jabu.

"Now what?" Yuna asked.

"Well, call it a hunch but I think we'll find Ruto inside this thing."

"No. Absolutely not. I am not going inside a giant frozen fish. I'm going to wait out here and there's nothing you can do about it."

As soon as Yuna was done talking, Malon grabbed her and threw her inside Jabu-Jabu.

"What's it look like in there?"

"I'm going to freaking murder you one of these days."

With a shrug, Malon followed Yuna inside.

It was apparent that Jabu-Jabu was still alive due to the fact that his insides were still convulsing. Malon guessed that the fish was merely in a hibernation state due to the cold. After walking further in, she found Yuna waiting indignantly for her.

"If you ever throw me again, I'm going to..."

"Save your threats for later. Let's find Ruto first and get out of here quickly. The smell of this place is disgusting."

Yuna gave an annoyed "moo" before following Malon into the next room. The two found themselves in a spacious room with small pools of water here and there. Upon entering, they immediately noticed that they weren't alone. A lone Zora stood pompously before them.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" the Zora asked in an arrogant tone.

"Are you Princess Ruto?"

"And what if I am?"

"Finally! Alright, I'm Malon LonLon and this here's Yuna."

"Moo. Hi."

Ruto looked in surprise at Yuna.

"What the...? How can a cow talk?"

"Long story. Anyways, I was told you could help me find..."

"Yeah, whatever. Can you guys tell me if the ice has melted yet? I really want to get out of here but I'm afraid I'll freeze over like the rest of my people."

"Umm, no. It's still like a winter wonderland out there. Hey, if you want to get out of here so badly, why don't you just make a break for Hyrule Field? The last I checked, the temperature's pretty decent there."

"Are you an idiot or something? After I get to the field, what would I do? I'm half-fish. I need water to survive! Besides, I was rather hoping Link would come and rescue me."

A dreamy look came upon Ruto's face as she said this.

"That's great and all but can you just..."

"Do you know Link? I bet you do. He's so popular with everyone."

"Link? Er, yeah. I know him. He's a close friend of mine."

Ruto's dreamy expression suddenly changed into one of suspicion.

"Close friend? Just how close are we talking here?"

"Nothing serious. He merely helped me out a couple of times so I..."

"So. You're trying to steal Link away from me. Well, I won't let you!"

"Whoa, there! I'm not trying to steal anyone from anybody! I just came here to ask..."

"Shut up you slut! Only I can have Link! And there's nothing you can do about it!"

Malon just gave an exasperated sigh before turning around to leave.

"Hey! Where do you think you're going? Come back here so I can insult you some more!"

"Come on, Yuna. It's apparent that we're not going to get any answers here."

Ruto continued to pelt Malon with various taunts and insults as the two began to walk out of the room.

"I said come back here, you little whore! You... you... You're dad's a lazy asshole!"

Malon didn't even bother to look back as she answered.

"Meh. You're half-right on that one. And I can tell you it's not the asshole part."

"You're a fucking retard who doesn't know the difference between a Cucco and a fish!"

"Is that the best you can come up with?"

"You're mother was a fucking whore!"

Malon suddenly stopped walking. Noticing the reaction, Ruto foolishly decided to continue on that line.

"Oh, sensitive about your mother, huh? Yeah, you heard me. She was the village whore! In fact, if you look for the definition of a "slut" or "whore" in the dictionary, there's a picture of your mother on it! She was..."

If Ruto wasn't so focused on insulting Malon's mom, she might have noticed the rapid change in the atmosphere of the room. A sense of doom began to blanket the entire area. Even the temperature seemed to drop a few degrees. As for Malon herself, it looked as if she was surrounded by a blazing red aura. Her eyes lost their usual impassive look and was replaced with one of pure indignation and hatred. Yuna immediately noticed and took a few nervous steps away from Malon.

"Hey! Are you even listening to me?"

Malon's right hand suddenly blazed to life in a surge of blue electricity.

"No one... talks that way... ABOUT MY MOTHER!"

The Chidori in Malon's hand intensified to such high levels that the skin on her own hand began to disintegrate. Before anyone could even blink, Malon charged forward and thrust her attack straight through the unfortunate Zora's skull. Ruto was dead before her brain even had the time to register what had happened. Malon withdrew her now bloody hand and watched as the corpse fell over...

only for it to poof into a log.

"What? A Substitution Jutsu?"

Malon turned around and found Ruto standing as contemptuously as ever right behind her.

"Did you really think you could defeat me with such a low grade move? I'm the next in line of becoming the Sage of Water! I'm more powerful than any mortal could ever hope to envision!"

Malon charged up her Chidori again and rushed once more at Ruto. Ruto easily back-flipped a safe distance away from Malon and then began to perform a long chain of hand signs.

"If it's a _Naruto_ battle you want, it'll be a _Naruto_ battle you'll get! Just try to avoid this, you pathetic little bitch!"

With that said, Ruto finished up her hand signs.

"Water Style: Water Dragon Jutsu!"

The pool of water next to Ruto erupted to life as a gigantic serpentine dragon made out of water emerged. The beast wasted no time in locking onto Malon. With its target located, the dragon roared ferociously and dived at her with the momentum of a freight train. All hope seemed lost for Malon as the dragon drew ever closer, its roar resounding louder and louder as if signaling the end that was to come. It was as if...

"Oh, shut up! Water Style: Water Dragon Jutsu!"

Suddenly, an identical water dragon took form from the pool of water next to Malon. It took notice of the dragon that Ruto had created and charged headfirst towards it. The two dragons spiraled upwards together before clashing with a force strong enough to shred an entire village. The dragons kept up their attacks until they both succeeded in effectively destroying the other. Ruto stared at Malon in shock as both of the dragons' forms dissipated.

"How did you...?"

Upon closer inspection, Ruto noticed that Malon's eyes had suddenly turned red with three black tomoes surrounding each eye.

"Simple. I used the power of my Sharingan eyes. As you know it allows me to copy any one of my opponents Jutsu."

"What? Only members of the Uchiha Clan can have that power! How did you get your hands on something like that?"

"I stole them from Sasuke back in the last chapter."

"Grr. Whatever! Your puny Sharingan can't hope to best my powers! Just try to follow this one!"

Ruto began to perform hand signs at such speed that a normal person wouldn't have been able to even see it happen. However, Malon easily kept up with the power of her Sharingan. In just a few seconds, Ruto finished her hand signs and raised her hand to perform the Jutsu. Unfortunately for her, Malon beat her to it.

"Water Style: Giant Vortex Jutsu!"

An enormous funnel of water fired itself directly onto Ruto with the force of a space shuttle takeoff. Ruto was swept up in the current and was thrown helplessly about in the water until the water jet slammed her into a wall. She was still in a very dazed state when Malon quickly ran towards her and locked eyes with her enemy.

"Tsukuyomi!"

Ruto suddenly found herself tied to a chair in an empty void. Looking around, she noticed that an ominous red light overshadowed the entire area. She also realized that every object in the void, which was just herself and the chair, had taken on an inverted color scale.

"What did you do to me? Where am I?"

Malon's voice immediately resonated throughout the void in answer.

"You are now trapped within the world of Tsukuyomi. Everything in here is of my design. Time... space... the very fabric of reality. I control all. In here, the pain you feel shall be as real as any felt in reality."

"NO! I know what you're going to do! You're going to make me drink fruit punch until I explode! You monster!"

Malon remained silent for a while before answering.

"Though that sounds like an entertaining idea, I have something far worse planned for you."

As she said this, a large wide-screen television appeared before Ruto. At the same time, Ruto felt her eyes being taped open by an invisible force.

"For the next 72 hours, you shall be forced to watch _Death Note_..."

"What? _Death Note _was an awesome anime! How is watching that torture?"

"You didn't let me finish. Ahem. For the next 72 hours, you shall be forced to watch _Death Note..._ after its been localized by 4Kids!"

"NOOOOOO!"

**xxx  
><strong>_One second later in the real world..._

Ruto collapsed in a heap as Malon shut off her Sharingan eye. Figuring the battle was over, Yuna cautiously walked over to Malon.

"I have no idea what you did to her and I do not want to find out. Can we just get out of here now?"

Malon was about to reply when she heard a groan behind her. Malon whipped around and found to her utter amazement that Ruto had somehow gotten up.

"You... you think you've won? Don't... make me... laugh. I'm... the next Sage... of Water... and... Link's future... wife. I'm... not... going down... that... easy."

Malon slowly walked over to the barely standing Zora, each footstep resounding a sense of spine-chilling dread. Malon stopped directly in front of Ruto, towering over her victim.

"In any other circumstances, I would've pitied you, maybe even spared you. But you insulted the one person that I held most dearly. And for that, the punishment... is death."

Ruto closed her eyes as she accepted her fate.

"Malon Punch!"

**xxx  
><strong>_Hyrule Field..._

The mysterious Altair look-alike stooped down as he investigated the ground.

"So, they headed towards the south-east. But that still leaves a lot of potential locations to search."

Suddenly, the crazy man from Ch 2 came running across the field and stopped in front of the hooded figure.

"Repent! Repent! The end is... Gwak!"

The hooded figure grabbed the lunatic by the neck and lifted him up.

"I'm in a hurry, so answer quickly. Have you seen a red-headed girl pass by?"

The crazy man barely managed a nod.

"Good. Do you know where they are right now?"

"Zora... Zora's Domain..."

"I see. Well, thank you for your help. It has been most appreciated."

With that, the hooded figure blasted the poor man into oblivion with an energy blast from his free hand. The villain dusted off the ashes that remained on his hand and headed swiftly towards his objective.

**xxx  
><strong>_?_

A group of shadowed figures were gathered around a large conference desk. Among them, a rather thin looking person stood up to deliver his report.

"Sir. Our spies have just alerted us to the fact that the fourth wall around our target location is suddenly breaking."

This time a spiky-haired figure wearing what seemed like a cape spoke up.

"How long before we can pass through?"

"Not sure. Our spy network still can't locate the exact cause of this phenomenon. Currently, however, the fourth wall seems to be deteriorating at an exponential rate. It shouldn't be that long before it shatters completely."

"Why don't we just try to force our way through now?" the smallest figure of the group asked.

"No. If we act too rashly, our enemies might catch onto our plan. We need to wait until we can all pass through to the other side... undetected," replied a tall figure.

"Indeed. For now, we shall merely wait. But soon, the entire universe shall fall before us! And there isn't anyone strong enough to stop us! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!"

The entire room echoed with the evil laughter of the entire organization, as if foreshadowing the potential apocalypse that was to come. The maniacal laughter was halted when the spiky-haired figure slammed his fist on the desk.

"That's enough. We need to get back to our previous discussion. Who's up for Chinese take-out?"


	6. Fairies, Assassins, and Plot Development

**Malon's Epic Cow Delivery  
><strong>**Ch 6: Fairies, Assassins, and Plot Development**

**Breaking News**

We interrupt your program for this breaking news. Senator Kirby has been assassinated on his way to Zora's Domain. Senator Kirby was heading towards his next campaign site in an uncovered limousine when he was sniped through the head at 12:30 P.M. Officials have stated that Kirby was shot with a 6.5×52mm Mannlicher-Carcano rifle from a nearby treetop. Although the police and special service agents managed to find the gun used for the assassination, they were not able to apprehend the killer. Even though the gun was thoroughly checked for fingerprints, none were reported to be found. When asked about who this mysterious killer could be, one of the secret service agents had this to say:

"All we know for now is that we're dealing with a highly trained assassin. But mark my words, we'll catch this bastard in the end."

The nation now mourns for the loss of one of their prime candidates for their future dictator. Our current dictator, Ganondorf, told this to the nation:

"Yes, yes. We'll all mourn Senator Kirby and whatnot. Now hurry up and vote for me before I destroy your homes!"

Senator Kirby shall be given a proper burial in his home world of Dream Land this following Monday. We all hope that the nation can overcome this time of great tragedy.

In other news, the Mushroom Kingdom Giants narrowly pulled a win from the Pokemon Yankees thanks to the ninth inning home run by Bowser (more details at seven). We now return to your regularly scheduled program.

**xxx**

"Moo! Did you really have to punch Ruto that hard?"

"Why are you asking? That bitch had it coming."

"Yeah, you're right. I guess I shouldn't say anything. There's just that teensy little problem concerning the shockwave from your punch which... FREAKIN BLEW UP JABU-JABU!"

By now, one could see that Malon and Yuna were standing on a floating iceberg. Nothing remained of the giant fish that had once existed on that very same spot.

"Meh. Collateral damage."

"Collateral damage? You just nuked the Zora's deity figure! Now we're probably going to get mobbed by an angry group of zealots!"

"Then we'll just bring in a squadron of Firebats with Stimpack upgrades to kill off those Zealots."

"I'm not talking about _Starcraft _Zealots! I'm talking about those religion obsessed Zoras who'll probably burn us at the stake!"

"Oh. Then maybe we should get out of here."

"Finally! Let's hurry up and... Shit! Someone's coming this way!"

Malon quickly grabbed Yuna and jumped the few hundred feet or so to a small piece of land containing a few shrubs, boulders, and what seemed like an entrance to a cave. The two clambered behind one of the boulders and slowly peeked out from their hiding spot. They immediately spotted a figure dressed in dark blue and white entering Zora's Fountain.

"Hey! It's Zelda pretending to be Sheik!"

Yuna gave Malon a look of confusion.

"How did you know that?"

"Remember back in Ch 3 when we were asking for directions? Vegeta told us that Zelda was pretending to be the last of Sheikah tribe. He also told us exactly what Zelda's Sheik disguise looked like."

"How come I don't remember any of this?"

"Well, it was rather hard to understand what he was saying. He kept yelling 'Over 9000!' after every word."

"Eh, I guess that explains it. Anyways, I wonder what Sheik... er, I mean Zelda's doing in a place like this?"

Suddenly, Sheik stooped down and started to dig through one of the large snow drifts that had formed after Malon's epic punch from the last chapter.

"What is he... er, she doing?"

Yuna's question was answered when Sheik seemed to grab something in the snow and started to pull it out. Much to our two heroes' surprise, they saw that Sheik had pulled out an unconscious Ruto from underneath the snow.

"What? How did she survive? That punch should've been powerful enough to completely atomize her!"

"Moo! Be quiet! We might get caught! And besides, you said so yourself. This story follows alongside the canon so we can't kill characters essential to the plot!"

"Damn."

The two continued to watch as Sheik tried to wake Ruto up. Eventually, the Zora princess finally opened her eyes. Even from the far distance, Malon's superb hearing allowed her to hear what was being said between Sheik and Ruto.

"Thank the Goddesses. I've been looking all over for you. Are you okay? What happened here?"

Ruto shook her head to get rid of the daze surrounding her.

"Ooh, my head. It feels like it got trampled by a cow. Oh, you asked what happened? Not sure. The last thing I remember is speaking to my father about the correct way to barbeque a Cucco. Everything after that is just one big blank."

"Princess, you do realize that all the Zoras, including your father, are currently frozen right now?"

"Huh? Really? I guess I must have been frozen as well."

"Hmm. By the way, do you have any idea what happened to Lord Jabu-Jabu?"

"I'm guessing he fled when the place froze over. He is a deity so I wouldn't worry about him."

"I see. Anyways, you do know that you're the next in line of becoming the Sage of Water, correct? I think it would be best if you wait for the Hero of Time at the Water Temple. I shall accompany you to Lake Hylia and then return back here. Knowing Link, he's bound to wander aimlessly about looking for the next temple. I shall inform him of your location once I meet up with him."

"Sounds fine by me. By the way, how did you find me? For that matter, who are you?"

"My name's Sheik. And I found you using this Sage locator device that I bought on eBay. Pity it's a one time use only. Oh well."

Malon let out a sigh of relief as the two finally headed out.

"Well? What just happened?"

"It's fine. They think that Jabu-Jabu used his powers as a deity to escape the cold. As for Ruto, Sheik assumed that she was frozen, just like the rest of the Zora's."

"Thank Farore! I thought we'd have to face the Zora Inquisition or something!"

"Yeah. Now that that's over with, let's get out of here. It's starting to get a bit cold."

Yuna and Malon got up from their hiding spot and got ready to disembark once more. However, just as the two prepared for the jump to the exit, Yuna took notice of Malon's right hand.

"Whoa. Umm, farmer girl? I think you need to get your hand checked."

Malon looked down and found that her right hand was very badly swollen and had taken on an unhealthy shade of purple in certain areas.

"Damn. I must've overdone it with the Chidori and Malon Punch."

"You think? How the hell did you not notice this any sooner? Didn't you feel anything?"

"Meh. It kinda tingled but I didn't think it was anything this serious. By the way, you got any ideas on how to heal this? I think it might be infected."

"Well, there just conveniently happens to be a Great Fairy Fountain behind us..."

**xxx  
><strong>_Inside the Great Fairy Fountain..._

During the entire walk into the Fountain, Yuna tried to discretely stay behind Malon. Unfortunately for her, she wasn't doing a very good job at it.

"Umm, Yuna? May I ask why you're trying to hide behind me?"

"Don't tell me. You never heard about the Great Fairies?"

"I've heard rumors about them from travelers who visited the ranch. They told me that the Great Fairies were ancient beings who presided over the entire race of fairies."

"Didn't they tell you about what they look like?"

"No. But I figured they looked like gigantic glowing balls with equally large wings attached to them. After all, that's what Link's bitch-of-a-fairy looked like."

"WRONG! If that's what you think, you're in for quite a shock."

"What do you mean?"

"Alright, I'll tell you. Imagine a giant female hooker wearing nothing more than plant matter for clothes. Now add in a large dose of mascara and... Presto! You got yourself a Great Fairy."

"Whoa. They look that bad?"

"Ugh. Just wait and see. We're about to meet one soon anyhow."

Malon and Yuna eventually stopped in front of the fountain itself. They waited nervously for something to appear but nothing happened.

"Umm, how long are we supposed to wait?"

Yuna suddenly looked down and noticed the Triforce symbol they were standing on.

"Ah, crap. I forgot that only those who know the royal melody can summon the Great Fairies. Looks like we'll just have to go back to Kakariko Village and buy some Red Potion or something."

"I'm not walking all the way back there! Hey, Great Fairy! If you don't show yourself within the next three seconds, I'm going to demolish your little fountain! One... two... thre..."

Suddenly, the entire room was filled with blinding white light. Yuna immediately crouched down and covered her eyes with her hooves. Meanwhile, Malon stood as impassively as ever as the Great Fairy came into view.

"Look, little missy! No one messes around with my fountain! Do you have any idea how much it cost me to build this place?"

Malon stood dumbfounded as she got her first full view of a Great Fairy.

"Whoa. Hey, Yuna. You really need to see this."

"Never! I'm not going to let that god-forsaken creature burn my eyes out!"

"No, seriously. You need to see this. I think it's you who might be in for a surprise."

Yuna reluctantly lowered her hooves and took a peek with one of her eyes. What she saw left her dumbfounded as well.

"Wha...?"

Standing before the two was a beautiful young maiden in a flowing midnight-blue dress. Her tall, slender form enchanted everyone looking upon her. Adding to the image was her pinkish-red hair which fell elegantly down to her waist. In short, this female figure was the pristine symbol of beauty and glamor.

"Moo! Who are you and what did you do to the Great Fairy?"

The woman looked at Yuna with a puzzled expression.

"I'm the Great Fairy. Exactly who were you expecting?"

"Uhh... well, I figured you'd look like that image of the Great Fairies they have on Google. You see, I did some research online during one of those handy scene transitions."

"So that's how you knew about all those things," Malon remarked.

The Great Fairy let out a small giggle before replying.

"Ah, that picture. You see, the image you saw online is the form my sisters and I take on to mess around with Link."

"Mess around with Link? He's a guy who's faced Redeads as a kid! Just how bad is this form?" Malon naively asked.

"This bad."

The Great Fairy was suddenly surrounded by a bright light as she began to change her appearance. Malon had enough sense to cover her eyes before the transformation was complete. Yuan wasn't so lucky.

"MY EYES!"

Yuna screamed in agony as her eyeballs were promptly melted out of their sockets.

The Great Fairy noticed the damage she had caused and quickly changed back into her previous form.

"Oops. Sorry about that. Let me fix that up for you."

A mystical green light enveloped Yuna as her eyes were magically restored to normal. The first thing Yuna did with her newly repaired eyes was to give the Great Fairy a glare that could've paralyzed an electric-type Pokemon.

"Hey, don't glare at me like that! You're the one who asked to see me in that form!"

"I'm not the one who asked! It was the nincompoop standing next to me who did! Speaking of which, we've got a little favor to ask you. Would you mind healing Ms. Nincompoop's hand here?"

Malon stepped forward and showed the Great Fairy her hand. Said fairy recoiled slightly at the sight.

"Yech! What did you do to that poor hand? Stick it into a meat grinder or something?"

"No. I merely pummeled the living daylights out of the Sage of Water with it. If you've got any complaints, feel free to let me know."

"Sage of Water? You don't mean Ruto do you?"

"And what if it was?"

"Awesome! I've been meaning to give that stuck-up brat a beating for quite some time now but never got around to it. Anyways, for your commendable act, I shall heal your hand free of charge! Also, if there's anything else I can help you with, just let me know!"

As she said this, Malon's hand was enveloped by the same green light that fixed Yuna's eyes. In a matter of seconds, the hand was back to perfect condition. Malon tested it out by throwing a few punches into the air. Unfortunately, the shockwave created by the punches caused parts of the ceiling to collapse and crash down onto Yuna.

"Moo! What are you trying to do? Turn me into ground beef? Seriously, what's up with your Chuck Norris level strength?"

As Malon helped Yuna out of the rubble, the Great Fairy looked curiously at the overpowered girl.

"Hmm. I get the strange feeling that I've seen you somewhere before."

As soon as she had freed Yuna from the ceiling parts, Malon turned around to face the Great Fairy.

"Unless you've been stalking me or something, I find that hard to believe. This is the first time I've met one of your kind."

"That may be, but I definitely find you familiar. Maybe I knew your mother or something?"

Suddenly a look of understanding passed over the Great Fairy's face.

"No way. But that would mean that you're a..."

The Great Fairy was about to say more but stopped short when she glanced at Malon. It was barely noticeable but Malon was signaling at the Great Fairy to stop speaking by shaking her head. The Great Fairy nodded in understanding and quickly changed the subject.

"So, anything else you need help with?"

"Actually there is. Would you happen to know how to get to Kokiri Forest?"

Before the Great Fairy could reply, Yuna cut in.

"Wait, hold on a second. What were you trying to say before? You actually knew farmer girl's mother? Who was she then?"

The Great Fairy smiled as if Yuna had said something very amusing.

"You'll figure it out soon enough. Anyways, in answer to your previous question: No, I don't know where Kokiri Forest is. On the other hand, my sister who lives in Gerudo Valley might. I'll warp you two over to the entrance of Gerudo Valley. Unfortunately, my sister didn't leave me an exact address to her fountain so you'll just have to find it on your own. Besides, I'm sure you know the way around there pretty well." The Great Fairy gave Malon a wink as she said this.

"Moo! Will someone please tell me what's going on?"

"Maybe later. Alright, beam us up Great Fairy!"

"Ugh. I hate _Star Trek._"

With that the two were warped out in a flash of green light.

**xxx  
><strong>_Somewhere between Hyrule Field and Zora's Domain..._

The assassin from the previous chapter was continuing on towards his next target when his communicator started to beep. He let out an annoyed sigh and turned it on. Immediately, a hologram of a thin shadowy figure appeared in front of the assassin.

"What? Can't you see that I'm busy right now?"

"Then I suppose the assignment I've given you is already complete?"

"Partially. I've still got a few more targets left on the list."

"Unacceptable! When I hired you, you told me that the assignment would be done in a few days! It's been almost a week! If the job isn't done soon, my superiors might catch onto my plan. If that happens, I might as well feed myself to Mickey Mouse or something. At least it wouldn't be as painful as what they would do to me." The figure gave a shudder as he said this.

"Relax. It's merely taking some time locating the targets. As soon as I'm done with this job I'm currently handling, I'll turn my full attention onto yours. Maybe you could speed things up by giving me some help?"

"What do you need?"

"I need the location of a local girl named Malon LonLon."

"Well, that's easy enough. Give me a second."

The assassin waited impatiently for his mystery employer to come back with the information.

"Ah, here it is. She's currently in the western region of Hyrule. It's apparently called Gerudo Valley. Seems you got quite a walk ahead of you."

"That's no problem. What I don't understand is how she got all the way there without me noticing."

"Who knows? She probably used a warp spell or something. By the way, why are you in Hyrule in the first place?"

"I heard many of the targets on your list were visiting this realm. Figured I'd take out as many of them as I could at one time."

"Huh. And who exactly would be the next target?"

"The siblings: Link and Zelda Hyrule."


	7. LoZ Origins: Link

This one's a rather special chapter. It's the story of how Link ended up in Kokiri Forest. I thought about putting this up as a one-shot but decided I could tie it in with the current story. Anyways, because this chapter was originally intended to be its own seperate fic, it has more of a drama element to it. Nonetheless, I tried my best to add in the randomness you've come to expect. And who knows? You just might learn a few surprising facts along the way as well.

Without further ado, I present to you...

* * *

><p><strong>LoZ Origins: Link<strong>

**14 years prior to current story:  
><strong>Hyrule Castle...

The king of Hyrule entered the castle looking as tired as a businessman during an economic depression. He slowly made his way to his bedroom and opened the door. What he saw only served to drain what little energy he had left.

"Zelda! How many times do I have to tell you not to use your brother as a pinata? Do you want him to suffer from brain damage when he grows up?"

"But daddy! He ate my doll!"

"What? Link is this true?"

"I like pie."

"..."

Hearing the commotion, the queen quickly made her way into the bedroom. The queen was a pretty woman in her late twenties. She had long blond hair and blue eyes that reflected the clear sky. One could instantly tell that Link had gotten most of his looks from his mother. Anywho, she took note of the strange situation in the room and decided to put an end to it before her husband had a nervous breakdown.

"Alright kids. Daddy's had a busy day today so let's let him have some rest. Zelda, please take Link down and apologize for using him as a pinata. Again. Link, you apologize for eating Zelda's doll."

The two kids mumbled something incoherent to each other. With a sigh, the queen helped Zelda untie Link and ushered the two kids into their respective rooms. Meanwhile, the king flopped down onto his bed like a dead fish. He remained in the exact same pose until the queen returned.

"I'm guessing the peace talks didn't go down so well?"

"Ugh. You have no idea. No one's willing to negotiate for a truce. I just spent the last five hours exchanging death threats with the Goron, Zora, and Gerudo leaders."

"That bad, huh? Well, don't worry too much about it. I'm sure things will get better soon."

"I doubt it. No one's willing to forget about the reason that started this war."

"Speaking of which, you never did tell me why this whole war started. What exactly happened?"

The king's expression suddenly turned sheepish. Knowing he had to answer his wife, he mumbled something quickly in the hopes that she wouldn't catch it. Unfortunately for him, she did.

"WHAT? THIS ENTIRE WAR STARTED WITH A FIGHT OVER WHO GOT THE LAST COOKIE?"

"Hey! Everyone knows that the last cookie always tastes the best! Pity it was destroyed during our initial scuffle. Besides, we're not talking about any old cookie here!"

"What was so special about it? Was it some kind of magical cookie that would've granted it's owner three wishes or something?"

"No. It was a chocolate chip cookie."

The king suddenly found himself in the same situation that Link was in a few minutes ago. Even worse for him was the fact that his wife had been a former tennis champion in her youth. It was into this awkward scene that Hyrule's leading general walked in.

"Umm..."

The queen noticed the visitor and stopped her relentless beating of the king. She turned towards the general with a smile on her face.

"Oh, hello there General Talon. Didn't see you there for a second. I suppose you have important matters to discuss with my husband?"

"Er, yes. It's imperative that I speak with him right away."

"Of course! If you don't mind, I'm going to excuse myself from this meeting."

General Talon waited until the queen was out of sight before helping the badly beaten up king out of his bonds. He allowed the king a few minutes to bring himself together before saying anything.

"Umm, sir? I've come to ask about that discussion we had the other day."

"Oww. Can you remind me again what that conversation was about? I'm having a hard time thinking right now."

"It was about my resignation, sir."

The king immediately snapped to attention.

"Resignation? What for?"

"Sir, I've already told you. It's time I left all of this war business behind. I've got a family now that I need to take care of. Besides, there are plenty of young soldiers that could easily replace me."

"No, there isn't! You're the best tactician and fighter this country has! If you leave, we'd be overrun in a matter of days!"

"If I may say so, sir, that's not the case. This war's almost over. Every one of our enemies are exhausted from the fight. If we can claim one more victory, we can end this war for good."

"Fat chance! The leaders of those nations are dead set on fighting to the last man!"

"Indeed they are. However, if their armies face another major defeat, the citizens of those nations will call out for peace no matter what their leaders may say."

"If that's true, why do you need to leave so badly? Couldn't you stay until we can obtain this crucial victory?"

"I'm sorry sir, but I can't. My wife is a rather busy woman and we have no one else to look after our kid."

"And what exactly is your wife's occupation?"

"She an ambassador to the Gerudos."

"Really? That's news to me. Did she accomplish anything there?"

"She's the one that reopened the trade routes between Hyrule and Gerudo Valley."

"Wow. Give her my thanks, will you? I was nearly dying when they closed off their Leever trade. Those things are delicious when they're roasted!"

"Er, yes. So, are you going to accept my resignation?"

The king gave a large sigh before answering.

"Very well. You can leave by the end of next week. I'll need some time to find a suitable replacement for you. How about that one guy who can use playing cards as a weapon?"

"He'll do just fine. Anyways, thank you, sir."

"Yeah, yeah. Just one thing before you go. What is your kid's name?"

"Malon, sir. Malon LonLon."

**xxx  
><strong>_Later, in Link's room..._

"...and so, the brave little plumber saved the princess from the turtle/dragon/mutant/thing. The End."

"Mommy. Story stupid. Read me one sister reads me."

"Zelda actually read something for you? That's a shock. Okay, which book did she read?"

"This one."

"Let's see. Feminism: Why Boy's Are Stupider Than Girls..."

"Sister read this many times for me."

"I really need to have a talk with your sister. By the way, did you brush your teeth?"

"Umm, yes?"

"Of course not. Link, would it kill you to listen to your own mother for once?"

"What you mean?"

"Like not putting your hand in the fireplace. I told you a hundred times not to do that."

Link quickly pulled out his hand from the fire causing it to come out medium-rare rather than well-done. The queen merely gave a sigh before giving Link some Red Potion to drink.

"Well, they do say boys mature more slowly than girls. I just hope that's true."

The queen picked up Link and was about to tuck him into bed when the alarm broke out. From the grounds below, numerous shouts were heard above the bell tower's tolling. The queen quickly stepped out of the room with Link still in her arms. She stopped one of the palace guards that was heading out towards the commotion and asked what was happening.

"We're under attack!"

"Yes, I can tell that much! Who's attacking us?"

"Everyone! The Gorons, Zoras, Gerudos. I think they mean to end the war here and now!"

With that the guard went off to join the rest of the soldiers downstairs. The queen summoned her personal escorts and was about to head for her husband when a large crash sounded from outside.

"Fall back! The enemy has breached the outer wall! I repeat, fall back!"

The queen was about to ask one of her guards about what to do when an arrow suddenly pierced through the guard's neck. More arrows followed, killing all but three of the queen's personal guards. The queen and Link remained unharmed thanks to the soldiers protecting her.

"Who's there? In the king's name, I demand that you show yourself!"

Evil laughter echoed throughout the hallway in answer. Suddenly, a hooded figure in a blood-red cloak appeared before them. In his hands was a crossbow that was apparently the weapon that had killed the soldiers. The guards immediately raised their own weapons towards the intruder.

"Who are you?"

The assassin threw away his crossbow and revealed two thin blades hidden underneath his sleeves. With a sinister smile he turned to answer the guard's question.

"I don't see the need to introduce myself to someone as insignificant as you. All you need to know is that my mission is to kill the royal family. And there's nothing you can do to stop me."

"Oh really? Then take this!"

One of the guards suddenly pulled out a deck of common playing cards using some sort of magical force. The cards immediately fanned out so that they formed an arch behind the soldier. Then, with expert precision, the cards flew out at the assassin with enough force to pierce through a boulder.

"Ooh. Fancy."

With that said, the assassin simply used his twin blades to cut down all the cards that came hurtling towards him. In a few seconds, all the cards were cut into perfect halves and lay underneath the assassin's feet. The soldier stared in shock at what had just happened.

"Well, enough warm-up. It's time I got on with my job."

Moving faster than the human eye could perceive, the assassin moved forward and sliced through all three soldiers. They were all dead before their brains could even process what had happened.

"Pathetic. I don't see why my employers even bothered to think of you guys as a threat. I bet I could...!"

Suddenly, a frying pan came flying out of nowhere and hit the assassin dead on the face. In his dazed state, he could just make out the queen holding the said weapon.

"Wha? Where'd ya get a freakin fryin' pan?" the assassin managed to slur out.

"I always keep one around for emergencies."

The queen scooped up Link in her arms again and bolted for the stables. It pained her to leave her daughter and husband behind but she knew that if she went looking for them, she would only put them in more danger due to the assassin that was after her. For now, her first and most important priority was to ensure the safety of her son.

Luckily, the queen didn't run into any problems on her way to the stables. She quickly selected the fastest horse and got up on it with Link still in her arms. With a yell, she urged the horse forward. Within a few minutes, the queen and Link made it out onto Hyrule Field using one of the secret side routes leading out of the castle. Behind her, the castle burned as the armies of the greatest military forces fought each other.

The queen was just contemplating her good luck when something whizzed by, grazing the horse's leg. The horse whinnied in pain and shock but the queen managed to keep the horse under control. She looked back and caught a glance of her attacker. Apparently, the same assassin from before had gotten a position on one of the castle's surrounding walls and was firing at her with his crossbow. The queen kept her head low and urged the horse to go faster. Just when she thought she was safe, she felt one of the arrows pierce through her shoulder. She let out a cry of pain but managed not to fall off. A few more arrows came flying by but they all fell short of their mark. The assassin could do nothing but watch helplessly as the queen made it out of his range.

"Damn. I should've brought my sniper rifle."

Suddenly, the assassin's communicator started to ring. With a look of apprehension, he answered it.

"Yes, sir?"

A hologram of a tall, shadowy figure with long hair appeared before the assassin.

"Well? Is the job complete?"

"I'm still working on it. The queen managed to escape but I did hit her with a poisoned arrow. She'll be dead soon enough. As for the king..."

The shadowy figure silenced the assassin with a wave of his hand. The assassin waited nervously for his employer's response.

"So, our leader's predictions turned out to be true... Very well. You have played your part in this... little charade. You shall receive your payment as promised."

"But, sir! What about the rest of the royal family?"

"There is no point in trying to eliminate them anymore. The moment the queen escaped you, the destiny of this world had already been decided."

"Umm, you do realize just how cheesy that sounds, right? I mean, you just sounded like that pharaoh guy from _Yu-Gi-Oh_."

"Shut it. For now, retreat back to the rendezvous point. You shall receive your pay there."

"As you wish, sir."

With that, the assassin turned off the communicator and silently vanished into the night.

**xxx  
><strong>_Outskirts of Kokiri Forest..._

The queen laboriously made her way deeper into the forest. The horse had long since succumbed to the poison, leaving the queen to continue on foot. With every step, she could feel the poison slowly sapping the life out of her. However, she knew she couldn't die just yet. She took another look at her son and knew that she had to make it... to where, though, she did not know.

Truth be told, the queen didn't even know why she had entered the forest in the first place. Maybe it was the poison, but it felt as if someone, or something, was beckoning for her. And whatever lay at the end, she just knew that it meant safety for her child. With a renewed determination, she continued onwards. After what seemed like hours, she stumbled into a large clearing with a gigantic tree in it's center. Much to her surprise, the tree suddenly spoke out.

"Huh? Who goes there? If it's about the loan payments for the casino, I don't have the money yet!"

With great effort, the queen moved out into the clearing. The tree stared in surprise as the queen continued forward until she was standing directly in front of him.

"Er, do I know you?"

That's when the tree finally noticed the wound on her shoulder. The skin around the wound had taken on an unnatural green tinge. Even with that one look, the tree knew that she had been poisoned.

"Who are you? Is there something I can do to help?"

The queen suddenly collapsed onto the ground before she could say anything. With the last of her strength, she made sure that Link landed on top of her so as to protect him from the impact. The tree knew with absolute certainty that the woman was now dead. Awakened by the fall, Link looked around in confusion, not understanding what had just happened. This brought the tree's attention towards the young child. He took a close look at Link and suddenly gasped in surprise.

"It... it can't be! Those blue eyes! And that blond hair! It's unmistakable! He's... he's... a Nazi!"

"How dare you call my son a Nazi!"

The tree gave a girly shriek in his surprise. Floating in front of him was the transparent form of the queen's ghost. Apparently, being dead had done nothing to diminish her personality.

"What? But you're dead!"

"Of course I'm dead, you overgrown salad!"

"That was uncalled for. Speaking of which, why in Farore's name are you here? Shouldn't you be in the afterlife or something?"

"I couldn't pass over to the other side because I was too damn worried about my kid! I'm not going to leave him in the care of some filthy casino owner! That would be a horrible environment to raise a kid!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a second. I think we got off on the wrong foot here. Look, let's calm down and start over from the beginning, 'kay? My name is the Great Deku Tree but you can call me GDT for short. I'm the guardian spirit of this forest. So, who are you?"

"How do you not recognize the Queen of Hyrule? Don't you ever watch the news?"

"Well, we get pretty crappy reception here in the forest. Plus, television hasn't been invented yet so we really shouldn't even be having this conversation in the first place. Anyways, you're actually the Queen of Hyrule?"

"That's what I said, isn't it?"

The Great Deku Tree took another look at Link and gasped once more.

"Then it has to be! This kid is the fabled 'Child of Destiny!'"

"Child of what?"

"The Child of Destiny. He's the chosen one who will grow up to save all of Hyrule from some great evil. I was told by the Goddesses that a child of royal blood would arrive here one day. When he did, I was to take him in and raise him as one of the Kokiri."

"You've got to be kidding me. Link? Save the world? I don't know what you've been smoking but it's obvious that it's done something to your brain."

"Of course, the Goddesses never said anything about an angry queen coming to haunt me. Hold on a second. I need to call my superior about this."

**xxx  
><strong>_Somewhere in the outer heavens..._

Farore was busy filling out a stack of paperwork in a classic office style setting. Suddenly, the telephone started to ring with annoying consistency. With a frustrated sigh, Farore put down the paper she was working on and picked up the phone.

"The Divine Realm. Farore speaking. How may I help you?"

A long string of inaudible chatter answered her.

"Hang on second. Who is this?"

The Great Deku Tree slowed down just enough so that Farore could finally understand who was talking.

"GDT, is that you? Look, if you want another loan for that new casino, you can forget about it. You still haven't payed back the 40 million rupees you initially borrowed. What? This isn't about the casino? … The Child of Destiny? It's time for that already? Well, you know what to do once he arrives. ... What do you mean there's a slight complication?"

Suddenly, Farore heard the sounds of a loud argument taking place on the other side. After a while, an irate sounding woman answered.

"Hello? This is the Goddess Farore, correct? Well, this is the mother of your 'Child of Destiny' or whatnot. I'm here to state a few complaints with your arrangements. For starters, I'm not going to leave my child in the care of a casino-owning tree."

Farore gave another sigh before answering.

"Look miss. The Great Deku Tree's excellent with children. If you didn't know already, he's the caretaker of the entire Kokiri race."

"So what if he is?"

"The Kokiri are all children. The point is, he's more than qualified to look after your child."

"As if! Link needs someone around 24/7 to make sure he doesn't kill himself!"

"If you're complaining so much, I'm guessing you have someone else in mind for taking the job?"

"Of course I do! Me! If you're the freaking goddess, just zap me back to life and I'll gladly take care of him!"

"Oh. You're a ghost right now? You have my condolences. Unfortunately, regulations clearly forbids the act of resurrecting the dead. If I broke that rule, I'd probably end up doing four hundred years of paperwork."

"WHAT? That's the only reason you can't bring me back to life? I'm going to...!"

The GDT quickly moved the phone away so that Farore didn't have to listen to the cascade of profanity and death threats. While the queen continued with her rant, the GDT suddenly came up with a genius thought. As soon as the queen stopped to catch her breath, the GDT quickly cut in to propose his idea.

"Ahem. Excuse me ladies, but I just thought of something. How about I turn the queen here into a fairy? That way she can stay in this world and look after her kid."

"A fairy? How would I be able to look after Link as a freaking fairy?"

Farore decided to answer that question.

"Every Kokiri has a guardian fairy assigned to them. Their job is to look after and advise the children. As a fairy, you could do the same for your kid."

"There is a catch, though," the GDT added. "I'm afraid that once I change you into a fairy, you'll have no recollection of your human life. I can transfer over your personality, but your memories will be lost. I know the idea isn't perfect, but this is the only way that you can stay with your kid. The final choice is up to you."

For once, the queen seemed at a loss for words. Dead silence seemed to fall over the entire clearing as she slowly made up her decision. Her eyes turned towards her son who was currently gnawing on a rock. Seeing that, she immediately knew what she had to do. With a sigh, she turned back towards the GDT.

"Alright. I'll do it. Just promise me that you'll remind me to look after my son once I forget everything."

"Of course. You have my word."

"If it makes you feel any better," Farore put in, "I'm going to have to erase Link from everyone else's memories as well."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because too many people already know who Link is. After all, he is the Prince of Hyrule. If he is to become this land's savior, he must have absolutely no connections with his past. He must appear out of obscurity and make a name for himself with his own hands. It may be a lonely life, but such is the path of a true hero."

"Nice. Did you write that yourself?"

"Yep. Spent a few millennium coming up with it."

"Huh. Well, enough talk. Let's get this whole business over with."

"Very well. I wish you good luck in your new life."

"Thanks. I'm sure I'll need it."

With that, Farore hung up the phone. The Great Deku Tree also put away his cellphone and turned once more towards the queen.

"If you're having any second thoughts, now's the time to reconsider."

"No thanks. My mind's already made up."

"As you wish. The transformation will take approximately seven years to complete. When it is time for Link to embrace his destiny, I will assign you to look after Link."

"Hold on a second. Then who's going to look after Link during those seven years?"

"I shall ask one of the Kokiri to personally look after him during that time. She's the attentive type, so Link should be perfectly safe with her. Besides, I think it would be more practical to have you supervise Link during the time of his journey."

"I guess so. By the way, how long will this new body of mine last? Or do I have to spend an eternity as a fairy?"

"No. Once you realize that Link has grown beyond your care, you can choose to ascend to the afterlife. There, you will regain your true form as well as your memories."

"Then I guess I'll be stuck as a fairy for a very long time. There's no way I'll ever accept the fact that Link can take care of himself."

"You might be surprised. Anywho, there's one final thing that needs to be addressed. What do you want to be called once you become a fairy?"

Once again, the queen thought long and hard before coming up with her decision.

"Navi."

"Navi? What kind of name is that?"

"It's to symbolize the fact that I'll always be there to navigate Link through his life."

"Eh, it's your choice. If you've got any final words to say to your kid, now's your final chance."

The queen turned to face her child for potentially the last time.

"I guess this is good-bye, Link. I pray that you can manage to stay alive until I return. Just remember to never stick your hand in the fireplace. And don't even think about trying to eat a Deku Shrub while I'm gone. You remember what happened the last time you did that. Anyways, I know you'll grow up to be a fine hero one day. An incompetent one, but a hero nonetheless. That's why I'll always be there for you, even if it's as a fairy. Good-bye, my son."

Unfortunately, Link was still too busy gnawing on the rock to hear his mother's last words. With a final face-palm, the queen's ghostly form disappeared into a glowing ball of light which was then sealed inside the Great Deku Tree. There, she would slowly change into Navi: the fairy that would one day both guide and terrorize Link throughout his entire journey.

And thus, the legend began...


	8. Welcome to Gerudo Valley!

More plot development in this one. Don't worry though. By the next chapter, things will really start to pick up. Plus, I've planned some insanely random plot ideas for the future. They'll be up once this whole assassin saga is over. Anyways, I've got a little question that I've been wanting to ask. As everyone knows, the new remake of OoT is featured in 3D. If that's the case, does that mean the game will also have 3D Redeads? :P

* * *

><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<br>****Ch 8: Welcome to Gerudo Valley!**

True to the Great Fairy's words, Malon and Yuna found themselves teleported to the entrance of Gerudo Valley. To be more exact, they found themselves next to the carpenters' tent. However, it was obvious that one of the two was not in a good mood.

"I can't believe that stupid author left me out of the last chapter! Me! The main character of this entire story!"

"Shut up, Yuna. He left me out as well, if you forgot."

"At least you're name was mentioned! I didn't even get a freakin cameo appearance!"

"Whatever. At least we now know the truth about Link's past. I get the feeling that the information from that last chapter will be very important later on."

"You're over-analyzing it. That moron of an author probably just wrote that last chapter as a filler because he couldn't think of a way to advance the plot for the main story. At least, that's what I think."

"If you're so curious about it, why don't we just ask him about it? Hey, author! Is what Yuna saying really true?"

No comment.

"Oh, come on! You can tell us! It's not like I'm going to brutally murder you if the last chapter was a filler or anything!"

…

"Fine! Be that way! Asshole."

Speak to me like that again and you can say good-bye to your _Naruto_ powers.

"Did I say asshole? What I meant to say was that you're a great author whose writing skills exceeds even those of J.R.R. Tolkien!"

I wish. Fine. You can keep you're _Naruto_ powers for now. However, I've got my eyes on you.

"Don't you always have your eyes on me and Yuna anyways? You are the one who's writing all of this."

*Sigh* Look. As much as I love talking with you two, we should really stop doing this. I don't think the fourth wall's going to last much longer if we keep this up. From now on, only contact me in case of a dire emergency.

"What..."

I SAID NO MORE TALKING!

"Fine, fine. Sheesh. Talk about an author with anger issues."

"You said it. He..."

Yuna was suddenly cut off by a loud roar that echoed from somewhere off in the distance.

"What was that?"

"Moo. It's probably just the author trying to stop us from continuing to insult him."

"No. If that was the case, he would've probably dropped a Goron on you or something. I'm pretty sure that whatever that roar was, it had to do with the plot."

"Fine then. Let's go investigate."

**xxx  
><strong>_Somewhere_ _in the Ice Cavern..._

"... and that would be the Serenade of Water. I hope you've finally memorized it. After all, you did make me replay it 97 times for you... Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go do something productive with my life. And no. Hanging out with you is least productive thing I can think of. Farewell."

With that, Sheik used her handy Deku Nut to vanish, leaving a rather disappointed Link behind.

"Aw, man. Why doesn't he ever want to hang out with me?"

Navi took this time to fly out of Link's hat and answer his question.

"One, you're an idiot. Two, he's probably got better things to do. Three, Sheik is actually Zelda in disguise and is afraid you'll find out about his/her secret."

"What was that last part again? I was too busy staring at the walls. They're shiny."

"Never mind."

"By the way, I've got something to ask you. Why is it that every time I see Sheik, I'm suddenly reminded of pinatas?"

"What do I look like, you're freakin psychiatrist? How the hell should I know?"

"I was just curious, that's all. Well, never mind that. Let's get going to the Water Temple!"

"Finally. Hurry up and play that song to warp us over."

"..."

"Don't tell me. You already forgot how to play it, didn't you?"

Link gave a weak nod as he slowly sidestepped towards the door.

He didn't make it.

"WHAT THE...? WHERE'D YOU GET A PACK OF RABID BADGERS FROM? NO! DON'T EAT MY SPLEEN!"

**xxx  
><strong>_Gerudo Fortress..._

The moment Malon and Yuna entered Gerudo Fortress, they could see that something was amiss. What seemed like the entire Gerudo tribe was out fighting some kind of large monster that was currently obscured by the sand. Even more surprising was the fact that a group of male carpenters were aiding the Gerudos in their battle. Knowing the feminist attitudes of the Gerudos, Malon knew that something really big had to be up if the Gerudos were actually accepting help from a group of men.

"Moo. I guess you were right about the whole plot thing. Wonder what they're all fighting though. Hey, farmer girl can you see... Farmer girl?"

Yuna turned her head just in time to catch a glimpse of Malon making a beeline for the monster in question. Yuna just heaved a sigh and made herself comfortable for the slaughter-fest that was about to commence.

"Whatever that beast is, may the Goddesses have mercy on its poor soul."

**xxx**

"It's no good! The beast's hide is just to thick for our weapons to pierce through!"

"Keep trying! If this continues, the entire fortress will be destroyed!"

"Watch out!"

A large scaly tail appeared out of nowhere and flung nearly all of the Gerudos and carpenters into the air. Those that dodged the tail swipe had to fall back as a stream of fire suddenly blasted its way towards them.

"Damn it! The fortress is lost! Everyone, evacuate to the desert, now!"

"You heard her! Hurry... wait a second. Who's that heading towards us?"

Everyone turned to see a teenage girl wearing a white blouse and a purple dress heading straight towards the monster. The Gerudo that spoke earlier was just about to shout out a warning when the girl suddenly lept forty feet into the air.

"Malon Force Punch!"

The girl let loose a mighty punch that created a shockwave so intense that it actually blew apart the gate separating the fortress and the desert. Luckily, none of the Gerudos and carpenters were harmed thanks to the whole allied battle protection rule. The beast, on the other hand wasn't so lucky. It was blown nearly a hundred feet before it managed to get it's feet back on the ground. Without the sand obscuring it, one could now see that the monster was in fact an enormous Dodongo at least twice the size of King Dodongo.

All of the carpenters and most of the Gerudo were too stunned by what had just happened to even notice the Dodongo as it let loose an angry roar.

"Who is that?" one of the Gerudos asked to no one in particular.

One of the higher-ranking Gerudo officers answered her with a smile on her face.

"That, my sister, would be the daughter of our greatest ambassador. You should make yourself comfortable. We are about to witness the utter annihilation of that Dodongo."

**xxx**

Malon landed gracefully onto her feet and prepared herself to launch another devastating attack on the Dodongo. The monster, however, had other plans. As soon as it fully recovered, it breathed out a torrent of scorching fire at Malon causing her to quickly roll out of the way to avoid the attack.

"So you like fire, huh? Well then, you're sure to love this! Fire Style: Fireball Jutsu!"

Malon suddenly breathed out an enormous fireball that consumed the entire Dodongo. Even though its skin was relatively fire-proof, the heat of the flames that Malon had created was just too much for it to bear. With another loud roar, the beast collapsed as the fire continued to incinerate it. At this sight, the Gerudos and carpenters let out a large cheer and started to head towards Malon to congratulate her. Malon turned towards the cheering crowd and gave a small smile and wave in answer. Just then, one of the Gerudos let out a shout.

"Watch out!"

Malon had just enough time to turn around as a large flying object suddenly bashed into her and slammed them both through a wall. Everyone watching, except for Yuna, looked on with looks of utter shock. When they turned around, they saw that the Dodongo was back on its feet. Now that monster's skin was burnt up, everyone could see that the monster was in fact a giant robot. And apparently, it had just fired off one of its front legs as a rocket. Before anyone could say anything, a large thud sounded as Malon pushed the rocket-powered fist/leg off of her and walked out again looking more annoyed than hurt.

"Really? A robot? What is this, _Terminator: Rise of the Dodongos _or something?"

The robotic monster let out another roar as it charged straight for Malon. With a yell of her own, Malon ran out to confront the robot head on. Once they reached striking distances of one another, the Dodongo took a snap at her with its metallic jaws. Luckily, Malon managed to slide directly underneath the Dodongo and avoid the steel traps. With another yell, Malon slung an uppercut straight into the monster's stomach area, sending it flying into the air. Malon quickly jumped up after it, drawing both her arms back as she approached it.

"Malon Barrage!"

The poor Dodongo was hit by a string of punches so powerful that it could've smashed Majora's Moon into baby powder. In a matter of seconds, the robot's fragments were raining down towards the ground. And once again, Malon landed lightly on her feet as the crowd went wild. Yuna just gave a bored 'moo' and began to amble over, knowing that the battle was now officially over. Meanwhile, numerous praises and thank-yous were heard from the crowd. A group of Gerudos swiftly promised a banquet in honor of Malon and went off to set it up. So bright was the mood that even the carpenters were invited to the feast. Everyone else who didn't go to prepare the banquet continued to celebrate Malon's victory in loud voices.

And throughout all of this, no one noticed the Dodongo's tail fragment detach itself and burrow into the sand, quietly vanishing without a trace.

**xxx  
><strong>_Just outside the Water Temple..._

"Umm, Navi? How am I supposed to get all the way down to that temple door?"

Navi gave a face-plant before answering through gritted teeth.

"Use.. the... fucking... iron... boots."

"Oh. I could've figured that one out."

"Right. Maybe in a thousand years or so."

"Hey! Give me some credit, will you? After all, I did finally remember the song that got us here!"

"All thanks to my encouragement."

"Rabid badgers aren't encouragement! If I didn't have plot protection, I'd be dead right now! Speaking of which, doesn't this whole plot protection thing pretty much make me immortal?"

"Don't question it. Besides, a better question would be why you're not sinking into the water even without the iron boots on."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Think about it. You're carrying a metal shield that probably weighs around thirty to forty pounds. Plus, you've got a rupee sack containing about fifteen pounds of cash. And I'm not even taking all of your items into consideration right now! How are you managing to stay afloat?"

"Ow. All those numbers hurt my brain. Give me a second while I recover."

"Never mind. It's obvious that your empty head's acting as a flotation device."

"My head still hurts. Can you get me an ice-pack?"

"What do I look like, your mother?"

**xxx  
><strong>_Back at Gerudo Fortress..._

Malon, Yuna, and a group of Gerudo officers was gathered in a large room filled with luxurious cushions for everyone to sit on. The Gerudo officers in the room knew Malon personally and had settled down to enjoy a nice chat. The carpenters and the other Gerudos were currently outside trying to fix the gate that Malon had destroyed.

"Wow! You sure have grown Malon. I still remember when you were just a little girl. You used to always hold onto your mother's hand whenever you visited. I swear, it would've probably taken a hundred Gorons to have pulled you off of her."

Everyone except Yuna laughed at this.

"So. What brings you over to our neck of the woods?"

"Funny you would say woods. I'm currently on a journey to find Kokiri Forest."

And so, Malon began her epic tale. After nearly half an hour, Malon's story caught up to the present.

"...so now, we're supposed to look for the Great Fairy that lives here."

"Great Fairy? Oh, I know who you're talking about! She lives practically next door to the Desert Colossus. Of course, you'll have to get through the desert to reach it though."

"That's no problem. I've been through the desert before."

"Yeah, but you're mother was always with you back then. Still, I'm pretty sure you can make it through. The sandstorm season just ended so it shouldn't be that hard to navigate. By the way, I've been meaning to ask you this for quite a while. How's your mother doing? It's been years since she last visited."

The smile on Malon's face was instantly gone. All cheeriness in the room was suddenly sapped away and replaced by a feeling of melancholy. Everyone present knew that this wasn't a topic that they should've brought up.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

With a dead expression, Malon shook her head.

"No. It's alright. My mother... well, she isn't with us any more."

Everyone, including Yuna, suddenly had on shocked expressions on their faces.

"What? When did this happen?"

"If it's alright with you, can we please not talk about this?"

"Of...of course."

Luckily, the awkward silence was broken by a Gerudo messenger who came into announce that the feast was ready. Slowly, everyone stood up to head for the dining room. As they walked along, Yuna took the time to talk with Malon in private.

"Moo! You never told me that you're mom was dead!"

"Yuna, I'm not in the mood for your sarcastic remarks right now. Just leave me alone."

With that Malon walked off, leaving Yuna to look at her retreating form in confusion.

"I wasn't going to say anything sarcastic! Okay. Maybe a little, but still..."

**xxx**

What would've otherwise been a cheerful celebration was marred by Malon's depressed mood. However, once enough beer and wine had been passed around, the party started nonetheless. The carpenters began to sing and dance while the Gerudos began a drinking contest. Small fist-fights soon emerged as everyone got more and more drunk.

Throughout this chaos, Yuna soon noticed that Malon had snuck out from the party. Deciding it was more productive to look for Malon rather than to watch the carpenters flirt hopelessly with the Gerudos, Yuna walked out of the room and proceeded outside. By this time, night had fallen and thousands of stars adorned the sky. Yuna paid no attention to the majestic view and started her search for Malon. After traversing through the fortress for a bit, she heard someone humming a very familiar tune up in what could've been constituted as the fortress's rooftops. Curious, Yuna wandered around until she came out to the said rooftop. There she found Malon lying on her back while humming Epona's Song. Her eyes were lost in thought as she stared out at the star-lit sky. Yuna decided it was about time someone interrupted this peaceful moment.

"What are you doing up here?"

Malon barely twitched at the surprise interruption but Yuna could've sworn that she saw a spark of blue electricity arc across Malon's hand. With a sigh, Malon sat up and turned to face Yuna.

"What do you want?"

"Nothing. I was just wondering what you were up to. I was expecting to see you crying or something though. That would've been fun to tease you with."

Much to Yuna's surprise, Malon gave a tiny smile at that remark.

"Cry? What do I look like, a five year-old kid? I swear, you're worse than Ruto sometimes."

"Hey! I resent that! I'm way more skilled at insulting people than that overgrown fishstick!"

That finally made Malon let out a small laugh. Yuna couldn't help but give a smile as well.

"So. Is that the only reason you came here for? To see if I was crying or not?"

"Yep."

"Oh, come on. I know you were worried about me and all that."

"I wouldn't give a care about you even if you were the last person left on this planet."

"That's nice."

Malon looked up at the stars and began to sing Epona's Song again. Even to the cold-hearted Yuna, the song brought about a sense of tranquility and peace. After listening to the song for a while, Yuna shook her head to bring herself back from the daze that the song had put her in.

"What the was that? Did you just hypnotize me with that song?"

"No. The song has the power to calm any animal that hears it. My mother taught it to me when I was a little girl. It's one of the few things she left behind for me before..."

"Yeah, yeah. I know. But why are you singing it right now? You do realize just how weird it is for someone to be singing out loud at night?"

"I don't care if it's weird. I used to do this every night at the ranch anyways."

"What for?"

"I'm always hoping that my mother can hear this song, wherever she may be. I just want to let her know that I'm doing fine and that I miss her.

"Aw. That's so sweet. Now, move over so I can barf."

True to her word, Yuna rushed to the edge of the roof and vomited out everything in her stomach. One unlucky Gerudo who just happened to be walking below was hit by the projectile.

"Oops. Sorry!"

The Gerudo simply flipped Yuna off before leaving to wash off the mess.

"Okay. Back to what we were talking about. So you miss your mom. Big whoop. I've got friends who are dead as well and you don't see me singing about it every night."

Malon turned to look at Yuna with a very skeptical look.

"You? Friends?"

"Yes, I actually had friends. Whoop-de-doo. Let's all have cake to celebrate."

"Well, I'm sorry about you're friends. Let me guess. McDonalds? Burger King? Outback Steakhouse?"

"Say something like that again and I'll trample you for real."

Malon gave an small smile at that.

"By the time you got close enough to trample me, you'd probably be a large piece of roasted steak."

"Is that a challenge?"

"Maybe. If you're feeling up to it."

Yuna just gave an amused snort and shook her head.

"Your resemblance to her is uncanny. Heh. Wonder what they would all say if they saw me now?"

Malon was about to inquire about Yuna's mysterious comment but thought better of it. Instead, she stood up and dusted off her dress.

"Come on. We'll miss the entire party if we don't hurry."

"Huh? Oh, sure. Whatever."

And so, the two began to slowly walk back towards the dining room. However, as they got closer to their destination, Malon began to look rather worried.

"Moo. What's the matter now?"

"I hope my moodiness didn't spoil the party for everyone else."

"You don't have to worry about that. The alcohol livened up the party just after you left."

"Well, what I'm really worried about are those carpenters. I don't think the Gerudos will tolerate any inappropriate actions from them just because they're drunk."

"Too late for that. The last I saw of them, the head carpenter was totally wasted and the rest were hitting on the Gerudos with really bad pick-up lines."

"Then it looks like we'll be seeing those carpenters in prison cells by the time we get back."

"Yup. And I get the feeling that the Gerudos are going to keep them in there for a long, long time."

"Why does it feel like we just had a hand in establishing another plot point for _OoT_?"

"Possibly because we just did. Anyways, hurry up. I don't want the cake to be a lie by the time we get back to the party."

**xxx  
><strong>_Hyrule Field..._

"You called?"

Once again, the assassin had his communicator out. He was currently talking with the thin, shadowy figure from before. However, the figure looked even more nervous than the last time the two had talked.

"I just wanted to see if that teleporter beam I used on you worked."

"It worked. Unfortunately, it's still a bit of a walk to Gerudo Valley. It's a pity your teleporter isn't all that accurate or you could've just sent me there directly. Anyways, what did you really call for?"

"It's about the job I gave you. I think my superiors know about it."

"If that's true, how are you even talking to me right now?"

"I think they're waiting to see how things turn out. If you complete your mission, there's still a chance that they'll spare me."

"So now, your life depends on whether or not I complete the job. Well, you're in luck. There's no way that I'll fail a mission."

"Yeah, but can you please hurry it up? My bosses aren't exactly known for their patience."

"As soon as this kidnapping business is over, you can consider your job done within a month."

"I hope I'm still alive by then. I..."

The shadowy figure was silenced when something metallic looking suddenly popped out of the ground next to the assassin. Upon closer inspection, one could see that the object was actually the robot Dodongo's tail piece from before. The assassin swiftly grabbed the item and pressed a button. The tail piece morphed into a small screen where a detailed analysis of the battle between Malon and the robot was displayed.

"Interesting. I must really thank you for sending me that robot."

"Don't mention it. What does the readout say?"

"That I was right to be wary of this girl. She utterly decimated your robot."

"Destroyed? How? That robot was built with the strongest metal found on this side of the galaxy!"

"Well, the fact stands that the girl destroyed it. Hmm. So she uses _Naruto _powers along with her superhuman strength. This might be troublesome."

"_Naruto_? Well, you're in luck too. It just so happens that I can transfer over some of my powers to help you nullify any and all _Naruto_ related attacks."

"Huh. Didn't know you could do that."

"Being with the organization has given me access to lots of new powers. For example, did you know that I can now make ominous music play from out of nowhere as my theme song?"

"So that's where this music's coming from. Turn it off for now. It's getting on my nerves."

"Sure. Does the data say anything else?"

"The robot managed to spy on the girl for a little bit. It seems she's heading for a place called the Desert Colossus. Any chance your teleporter can send me over there?"

"Hold on. … Yeah, I can. You might end up a few miles off from this Desert Colossus place but it's still better than walking."

"Good. Send me over right now. I'll wait for her arrival and then ambush her. It seems this job is finally coming to an end."

"Be careful, though. Even without the _Naruto _powers, she still has her super strength."

"A minor annoyance. She'll be out cold before she can get anywhere near me."

"Fine. Just remember to continue on with the assignment I gave you as soon as possible."

"Of course. In the meantime, I'd find a nice little hole to hide in if I were you. I've worked for your bosses before and they're not the sort of people that you want to see when they're angry."

With that ominous final message, the assassin turned off the communicator. As soon as he knew his employer wasn't listening, he gave a malicious smile.

"If I know you're bosses, they're going to kill you no matter what the outcome of my mission is. Heh. I'm rather curious as to what method they'll use to exterminate you. Wish I could be there to watch."

With those words, the assassin was teleported out. No trace of his existence was left behind except for the shadows of his sinister laughter.


	9. Immortal Kombat

Here it is. The moment you've all been waiting for. Malon vs. Assassin. Who will win? Who will lose? And who will get me a cake? All your questions will soon be answered! Except for the cake part. GLaDOS already stole all of that.  
>In other news, sorry about the cheesy chapter title. I was eating cheese puffs while writing this. *cue rimshot<br>Anyways, enjoy the story!

* * *

><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<strong>  
><strong>Ch 9: Immortal Kombat<strong>

"Give it up. There's absolutely no way that you can defeat me."

Malon was swaying dangerously. It was obvious that she was barely keeping herself conscious. With great effort, Malon took a deep breath and brought herself to face her opponent.

"No. I refuse to back down. I won't lose to the likes of you!"

"If you continue your futile resistance, I'll have no choice but to finish you off for good!"

"Then so be it!"

With the last of her energy, Malon moved forward...

and quickly downed the glass of beer in front of her.

All of the Gerudos in the room burst into cheers as Malon raised the empty glass in victory. Yuna was dumbfounded at having been beaten by Malon at a drinking contest.

"What? How were you be able to tolerate that much alcohol at your age?"

Malon turned away from her Gerudo fans and faced Yuna with a drunken smile.

"Easy. I've been drinking milk my entire life. It'd take a lot more than a few gallons of regular old beer to knock me down!"

"Milk? How does that make any sense?"

"Hyrule's milk is pretty strong stuff. By the way, shouldn't you know all of this already? After all, you are a cow."

"Why in Pikachu's name would I drink my own species' milk? That's disgusting!"

"Heh heh. I don't know. I'm just really drunk right now."

With that, Malon collapsed onto the floor and fell asleep. Yuna gave a sigh as she watched the Gerudos carry Malon to her room.

"There's just no figuring out this girl."

**xxx  
><strong>_Water Temple..._

"Umm, Navi? I think we're lost."

Link and Navi were currently in the main chamber of the Water Temple. Link was scratching his head as he tried to figure out which way to go while Navi was trying her hardest not to go ballistic at Link's incompetence.

"Just use the dungeon map we found! They put those in here for a reason you know!"

"Nag nag nag. I think I'm just going to ask someone else."

"Who the hell are you going to ask besides me?"

"Why not him? He seems like a nice fellow."

"That's a Tektite..."

"So? Hey, Mr. Tektite! Would you happen to know the way around here?"

The Blue Tektite merely jumped towards Link and knocked him flat on his back.

"You know what? You were actually right for once. These Tektites really are quite nice. They're doing the job of pummeling you for me," Navi said as the Tektite began to use Link as a trampoline.

"Ack! Don't just stand there! Help me get this thing off of me!"

"No. I think I'll enjoy this show for a little while longer."

Navi continued to watch while the Tektite proceeded to do the Cancan on top of Link.

**xxx  
><strong>_Gerudo Fortress..._

"Are you sure you're well enough to head off this soon?" one of the Gerudos asked Malon.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Hangovers don't last long for me. My minds perfectly clear right now."

"If that's the case, maybe you should remember to take your cow with you..."

"Crap!"

After spending an hour finding and waking up a disgruntled Yuna, the two were finally prepared to head off to meet the Great Fairy. One of the Gerudo reminded Malon once more on how to navigate through the desert.

"Remember to follow the flags we put up until you reach the half-way point. After that, you'll be able to see the Desert Colossus in the distance. Just head straight for it and you'll be fine."

"Really? It's that simple? I remember the journey being much more difficult when I crossed as a child."

"That's because there was a sandstorm brewing. Luckily for you, sandstorm season just ended last week. Still, if you run into one during your journey across, stay put at the half-way point. If you try to navigate your way through a full storm, you might end up losing your way forever."

"I'll keep that in mind. Anyways, thanks for everything!"

With the sound of numerous farewells echoing behind them, Malon and Yuna headed off into the vast desert that lay beyond.

**xxx  
><strong>_Some time later..._

"I... don't... think... I... can... go... any... further..."

"Yuna, its been only been five mi..."

"No it hasn't! I know for a fact that we've been walking for over an hour!"

"Sheesh. Way to kill a classic walking joke ."

"Yeah, whatever. How much farther do we have to go?"

"We just passed the half-way point about fifteen minutes ago. I'd say we're a good hour's walk away from our destination."

"Why did I ever leave that ranch?"

The two continued on in relative silence for the rest of the journey. Once the Desert Colossus was only a mile or so away, Malon turned to ask Yuna a question.

"Hey, Yuna. Just what do you think of me as?"

"Huh? What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, do you think of me as your friend?"

Yuna burst into hysterical laughter at this. Malon waited for Yuna's outburst to end with a very neutral expression on her face. After about five minutes, Yuna stopped to catch her breath.

"Oh, that was a good one! I don't think I've ever heard anything so funny in my entire life!"

"Enough sarcasm. Just honestly tell me what you think."

Trying very hard to suppress her laughter, Yuna turned to answer Malon's question.

"Well, I'd have to say that you're an acquaintance who amuses me sometimes. That's all."

"So, you wouldn't mind if I wasn't entirely... normal, right?"

Malon had to endure another five minutes of hysterical laughter before getting a response.

"You? Normal? Why are you even bothering to ask? Wait, wait, wait. Let me guess. You're the reincarnation of an ancient hero, right? Or maybe your actually the lost princess of a hidden kingdom!"

"Uh, no. Well, no matter what you think of me as, I consider you a friend. And I think that you at least deserve to know the full truth about me."

"Anymore of this friendship stuff and I'll barf again. Well, spill it. What's your big secret?"

"Alright. The truth is that I'm actually a..."

Suddenly a blast of energy shot towards the two. Malon quickly grabbed Yuna and jumped out of the way just in time. The place that they had been standing a few seconds before was now an enormous smoking crater.

"Moo! What the fuck was that?"

Malon put Yuna down and walked forward to directly confront her foe.

"Show yourself! You're not going to defeat me by just camping!"

In response, another blast of energy shot straight towards Malon. This time, however, she was prepared. With a single swipe from her hand, Malon deflected the attack away from her.

"Impressive. I didn't think that there would be anyone strong enough in this world to actually block my attack."

As Malon raised her fists, a hooded figure dropped down from the sky and landed a few feet in front of her. Upon closer inspection, Malon noticed that the figure looked very similar to Altair, except for the red cloak he was wearing. She immediately knew that she was dealing with a dangerous opponent. The mysterious figure exuded a sinister aura that could be felt by our hero even from the distance separating them. Malon could just make out an amused smile from underneath the hood before the person spoke again.

"You can put your fists down, little girl. My job is to merely turn you over to my employer, preferably alive. As such, I would gladly appreciate it if you would surrender willingly."

Indeed, this was the assassin that had been foreshadowed in all of the previous chapters. And he had finally caught up with his target.

"Moo! Way to state the obvious, bright one!"

Shut up, Yuna!

Malon ignored the interruption and answered the assassin.

"I don't know who your employer is, but I'm not going to just hand myself over to be used as a bargaining chip. If you want to take me prisoner, you'll have to do it the hard way."

"Very well. I was kinda hoping for a little fun."

The two took on their battle positions and stared each other down, both of them silently daring the other to make the first move. To match the tense atmosphere, Yuna began to whistle the theme from _The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly_.

"Yuna, stop with the whistling. It's definitely not helping me focus."

"Sorry."

The standoff continued for at least another ten minutes with neither person moving an inch. Finally, Yuna couldn't take the suspense anymore and freaked out.

"Just start the fight already!"

At this, the two fighters rushed in at each other at incredible speeds. The assassin threw a punch at Malon's face but missed as she deftly swerved out of the way. Before the assassin could react, Malon launched her own punch straight at his gut.

"Malon Punch!"

The assassin was blown hundreds of feet away before crashing into the sand. All that was visible was his legs sticking out like a pair of antennas.

"Moo! That's it? All that set up just for the battle to end with a single Malon Punch? This is about as anticlimactic as the ending for _Harry Potter_!"

"No. The battle's just getting started."

As if hearing Malon's words, the assassin pulled himself out of the sand and began to dust off his clothes. Surprisingly, Malon's attack didn't even seem to have fazed him.

"So, that's the extent of your power. I was hoping for more of a challenge."

In response, Malon brought up her right hand to face level. In an instant, a surge of blue electricity blazed around her upraised hand.

"You want a challenge? Then here's a tough one for you. Try to figure out how to dodge this in the next half second or so."

At speeds exceeding Sonic the Hedgehog on a sugar rush, Malon rushed forward to drive her Chidori into the assassin. However, as soon as she was within a few feet of him, the electricity surrounding her hand dissipated. Malon had just enough time to register this fact before the assassin stepped out of the way of her lunge and knee-kicked her directly in the face. Poor Malon was sent spiraling several yards away before managing to land safely on her feet.

"What the hell? How did you cancel my Chidori attack?"

"Why should I tell you?"

"Because that's what evil villains are supposed to do! When asked about their special powers, the villains are supposed to state a detailed analysis on each and every one of their abilities, thereby allowing the hero to devise a strategy to overcome them!"

"Okay... You've been watching reruns of _Bleach_, haven't you?"

"Maybe. Well, no matter. This should be enough to finish you off. Fire Style: Fireball Jutsu!"

The assassin was instantly engulfed in am enormous fireball the size of Texas. Okay, I exaggerated. It was actually as big as your average _Transformers_ robot. There, happy?

"Moo! Stop with the stupid analogies and get to the action!"

Fine.

The assassin let out a scream as the flames continued to roast him alive.

"Argh! How did you know that fire was my one true weakness? I'm melting! I'm melting! I'm... Okay, enough of that."

With one simple wave of his hand, the flames were immediately extinguished. However, Malon was nowhere to be seen. Before the assassin could locate her, he was punched headfirst into the ground with the force of a lunar shuttle takeoff. Malon cracked her knuckles as she stared down the assassin-shaped hole in the ground.

"I knew you'd waste your time mocking my attack. That's why I used the Fireball Jutsu as a distraction so that I could get a clear shot at you."

Unfortunately, the battle soon proved to be far from over. The assassin blasted out of the ground and immediately launched a barrage of punches and kicks at Malon. Having no time to dodge, she decided to match him blow for blow. After exchanging numerous earth-shattering hits, the two jumped away from each other to catch their breath.

"Maybe I misjudged you. You seem to have some talent after all."

"Stop acting all high and mighty. I'm not even using twenty percent of my true power right now."

"Is that so? Then why don't you come at me with everything you've got?"

"Fine. You asked for it!"

Malon ran forward with blinding speed and kicked the assassin straight up the jaw. As he sailed into the air, Malon jumped after him to continue her onslaught.

"Malon Rampage!"

With deadly force and accuracy, she began to pummel the assassin into the air, each blow sending the enemy higher and higher up. Once they reached optimum flying altitude, Malon clasped her hands together and brought them down onto her opponent's stomach. The assassin was sent hurtling back down to earth like a large meteorite. The impact was so immense that the shockwave was felt from even as far away as Timbuktu. Or the Mushroom Kingdom. You decide.

Anyways, even after descending down from thousands of feet, Malon was still able to land gracefully onto the desert floor.

"Game, set, and match. Alright, I'm done here. Now let's hurry up and look for the... He's still alive isn't he?"

Just at that moment, the assassin jumped out of the crater and let out a yawn.

"That's your full power, huh? Then I guess it's only fair to show you my full power!"

**xxx  
><strong>_Somewhere in the Spirit Temple..._

"Koume! Are you watching _DragonBall Z _without me again?"

"No, Kotake! I'm busy giving the Wallmasters a bath! Why are you asking?"

"Because I just heard some loud fighting noises!"

"You're hearing things again! I told you we should've bought that hearing aid for you!"

"Oh, shut up! You have worse hearing than me anyways!"

"As if! I'm... No! Bad boy! No trying to drag me to the entrance of the dungeon! Just for that, you're not getting any dinner tonight!"

The Wallmaster in question gave a pitiful 'whine' at this.

**xxx  
><strong>_Back to the fight..._

Malon was in a bad state. Her right arm and leg was broken and she was sure that some of her ribs were fractured as well. Her breathing came in slow ragged gasps as she tried not to collapse.

"Now do you understand just how outmatched you are?"

Malon merely spit out some blood and flipped him off.

"If that's the way you want it, fine. I'll just have to knock you unconscious before presenting you to my employer."

As the assassin slowly walked towards Malon to end the battle, Yuna suddenly rushed in and blocked his path. Seeing this, the assassin couldn't help but laugh.

"Really? You're so desperate that you need a cow to protect you? This is rich!"

"Get out of there! There's nothing you can do to stop him!" Malon shouted out.

Much to everyone's surprise, Yuna let out a smirk at Malon's warning.

"Nothing can stop him, huh? That's not entirely true. I know of something that can defeat this guy for good."

"Is that so? And just what would it be?"

"I'll show you right now. Hey, author! Dire emergency here! Can you delete this assassin guy with your almighty backspace key?"

…

"Hey! Are you even listening to me?"

The assassin let out another laugh at this.

"So, even you're precious author has abandoned you. How does it feel to be forsaken by your own creator?"

With a look of utmost frustration and despair still on her face, Yuna was knocked aside by the assassin. She landed in a heap some distance away.

"Yuna!"

In her rage, Malon tried to swing a punch at the assassin only to end up exactly like Yuna after a single kick to the face.

"Such feeble creatures. I've always wondered why they even bothered to see you Hylians as a threat."

Even after sustaining such severe injuries, Malon found the will to stand back up. With much effort, she formed a fist and slowly began to walk towards her enemy. The assassin merely shook his head and gave a sigh.

"What compels you to resist me so? Is it for honor? For some ill-conceived notion of justice? Or is it just that you're too stupid to know that you've lost?"

Malon raised her head and stared down the assassin long and hard before answering.

"I fight... because I choose to."

"Still with your lame movie quotes. Very well. Its time I finally finished up here."

The assassin walked forward until he was towering above his target. Malon swung out with her fist in a last feeble attempt to stop the assassin. As expected, he merely swerved to the side to avoid the punch and raised his own hand. Malon knew that all hope was now lost and grudgingly accepted her fate. She closed her eyes as she prepared for the assassin's final blow.

It never came.

Suddenly, a brightly colored rectangular shape slammed itself into the assassin, sending him flying across nearly half the desert. By now, Malon and Yuna were both vividly alert as a large... something came flying down towards them.

"No way. It can't be."

Malon and Yuna immediately recognized the creature as it landed down next to them.

"Mr. Pop-tart Cat? Er, I mean, Nyan Cat?"

Indeed. Their mysterious savior was none other than the mighty Nyan Cat himself.

"Moo! What in Din's name just happened?"

Ahem. Allow me to explain. For starters, I actually did get Yuna's call for help a few paragraphs back. Unfortunately, simply deleting the assassin was out of the question seeing as how the readers would've probably flamed me for creating such a lame ending to an otherwise epic fight.

"Epic? We just got our ass kicked for the last hour or so!"

Shut up Yuna! Anyways, I had to figure out a way to save you two without disappointing the readers as well. Luckily, I happened to run across Nyan Cat flying aimlessly along on _YouTube_. After I told him the situation, he agreed to come down and help the two of you out.

"So, deleting the assassin's a big no-no while sending an internet meme is perfectly fine? What the hell are you on?"

Caffeine.

"I should've seen that one coming. Anyways, how exactly is Nyan Cat going to help? He might have gotten lucky with his surprise headbutt attack but I honestly don't think he'd be a match for the assassin. The guy's on steroids or something."

You obviously don't know the true power of internet memes. Well, no matter. You'll be seeing them shortly enough. Here comes Mr. Assassin right now.

As previously stated, the assassin came running back looking pretty pissed.

"You dare to interrupt me at the moment of my victory? I'm going to turn you into a pile of pastry crumbs!"

"Nyan! Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan! Nyan!"

Malon looked on in confusion.

"What did he just say?"

"Moo! He's telling us to take cover! He's going to unleash his ultimate attack!"

"You understand Nyan talk?"

"I dabble. Anyways, duck and cover!"

As the assassin came running in, the giant pastry feline turned around so that its rear end was aimed at its proper target.

"Nyan nyan nyan!"

"Rainbow fart cannon?"

Suddenly, an enormous rainbow colored beam came shooting out of Nyan Cat's ass. Before the assassin could get out of the way, he was blasted with the full impact of the colorful laser. His form was lost in the bright flash of the attack as he let out a scream. Nyan Cat continued to shoot out its rainbow fart cannon for a full five minutes before finally stopping and letting out a contented 'Nyan'. The smoking form of the assassin landed some distance away, his body flopping down lifelessly. Yuna and Malon could only stare with open mouths at what had just happened.

"WHAT. THE. FUCK?"

Told ya. Contrary to popular belief, Saiyans are NOT the strongest beings in the universe. It's actually the internet memes who deserve that title.

Shaking her head to rid herself of the shock, Malon walked over to make sure that the assassin was really dead. She reached the smoldering body of the assassin and saw that his hood had been blown off during the attack. She could now see that the assassin was actually a young man with blonde hair and a nose that looked like it had been crushed with a frying pan. Malon kicked at the body to make sure that the assassin was really dead. After seeing that he didn't react, Malon turned around to thank Nyan Cat. However, he was nowhere to be found. All that remained was a trail of sparkling rainbows leading into the sky.

"Hmm. Pity we couldn't thank him. After all, he did pretty much just save our..."

In a total DragonBall Z moment, the previously thought dead assassin suddenly rose up and blasted a beam of energy at Malon from his hand. Without having any time at all to react, Malon was shot through the heart. With a surprised look still etched on her face, she keeled over and fell face-first onto the ground. Yuna could only look on in utter shock at Malon's now unmoving form.

"Farmer girl?"

The assassin pulled himself up with great effort. It was obvious that he was quite deranged at this point. His eyes were bulging and he frothed a bit at the mouth.

"Screw the business contracts! For your insolence, I shall destroy this entire world! Enjoy the afterlife because I'm about to send over everyone else on this world as well! Ha ha ha!"

Just then, something strange began to happen. A bright red glow began to emanate from Malon. Yuna noticed this right away and saw that the aura was very similar to the one that had surrounded Malon during the fight with Ruto. This time, however, the glow was much stronger and brighter. Then, right before Yuna's disbelieving eyes, Malon stood up. From the looks of things, the red glow was healing all of Malon's wounds at an incredible rate. Before anyone could even blink, Malon was fully healed and looked ready to kick some ass.

The assassin finally noticed that Malon was back up and took a step backwards in surprise.

"What? But I killed you just now! Plus, my attacks have the power to blow right through any pesky plot protections! Just what the hell is going on?"

With the red aura still surrounding her, Malon looked at her own hand and clenched it tightly into a fist. Regaining his composure, the assassin managed a sneer at Malon's action.

"Ha! You still have the nerve to fight me? What a laugh! I don't care how you were able to come back to life. I'm going to send you back to your death soon enough!"

Malon merely took on a combat pose in response. As she prepared to attack, her fists were suddenly enveloped by fierce red flames.

"What is this? More _Naruto_ powers? I already told you, that doesn't work on..."

Before the assassin could finish his monologue, Malon's form disappeared in a blur. At near light speed, a flaming fist slammed itself into the assassin's chest. As soon as the fist made contact, a powerful explosion occurred. The unfortunate assassin was blasted across the desert floor for a couple of miles before skidding to a halt. As he tried to regain his balance, another punch sent him into the upper atmosphere. Once she followed him up, Malon began to zoom around, pummeling the assassin as if she was aiming to achieve a high score on a pinball machine. Every time one of Malon's punches or kicks sent him flying away, another blow soon followed which sent him flying back to where he originally was. After a full minute of this treatment, Malon finally allowed the assassin to drop back down onto solid ground.

Surprisingly, even after receiving such a beating, the assassin was still conscious. And apparently, he still had his giant ego with him.

"It's not possible! How is it that you're stronger than me? I am one who's powerful enough to be a part of the great organization! I shouldn't be losing to an insect like you!"

All he got in response was a knee-kick to his face. As soon as his feet touched the ground again, Malon grabbed him by his cloak, swung him over her shoulder, and smashed him straight into the ground. The resulting crash was so powerful that all the sand in that area was blown away, revealing the stony layer of ground underneath. As the sand cleared, one could now see the tattered form of the assassin as Malon glared at his body with merciless eyes.

Just then, the assassin jumped up and tried to slash at Malon with a blade that suddenly appeared out of one of his sleeves. However, she proved to be too fast for him in her current state. She merely swerved out of the way and then lept high above the assassin. Just like in Ch 1, Malon aimed her fist down at her target as she began to descend upon him. As if adding to this already fearful sight, Malon's red aura suddenly branched out, forming a pair of fiery wings about her. With her newly formed wings spread apart, Malon came down upon her target like some divine judgment from up above. As the assassin watched this awe-inspiring sight coming closer and closer to him, only one word was able to leave his mouth.

"Meep."

Then the fist impacted. Even from her distant viewing point, Yuna was temporarily blinded by the massive explosion. As soon as her vision returned, she saw a mushroom cloud forming over the epicenter of the attack.

"Moo! WTF just happened?"

After waiting a few minutes to make sure that all the debris had fallen, Yuna rushed off to see the results of the monstrous attack. What met her eyes was an incredible sight. The force of the punch was so powerful that it had actually left a permanent scar on the desert floor. A huge crater was forever etched upon the ground where Malon had used her ultimate move. Even to this day, one can see this crater if they walk to the south of the Desert Colossus area. (No, really. You can actually see this crater in the game if you go there.)

"Stop with the pointless narration! Where's farmer girl?"

Over there to the right.

"Yeah, thanks."

Yuna found Malon standing with her fiery wings still about her. As Yuna watched, the wings and the red aura slowly began to fade away. As soon as the aura was completely gone, Malon blinked as if waking up from a trance. She suddenly got a very confused look on her face as she examined the destruction around her.

"What... happened? The last thing I remember was getting shot at by that assassin. Oh, crap! The assassin! Where is he?"

Yuna walked up to Malon with a look of confusion on her face as well.

"You really don't remember anything?"

"Oh, there you are Yuna. Can you tell me what happened?"

"Nothing much, unless you count the fact that you COMPLETELY OBLITERATED THAT ASSASSIN! Seriously, where did you get all that power from?"

At Yuna's words, Malon suddenly seemed to understand what had just happened. She immediately put her head in her hands and began to mumble to herself.

"Oh, no. I must've shown "that" side of me without even realizing it. This isn't good. My mother told me specifically to never reveal that power. Oh, I'm in so much trouble now."

"Can you stop speaking in riddles and tell me what the fuck is going on?"

Malon didn't answer and continued to scold herself for making some stupid mistake. Figuring Malon wouldn't talk for a at least a while longer, Yuna decided to look for any remains of the assassin. After seeing him wake up from two near-death experiences, she didn't want to take any chances. As fate would have it, Yuna found him lying at the center of the crater.

"Moo! Are you stupid or something? If there was a body left, of course it would be at the center of the crater! Where else do you think it would end up?"

I don't know. Maybe a different dimension?

"Ugh. If you hadn't sent Nyan Cat to save us earlier, I would totally trample you right now."

Just check the body. I need to end this chapter soon.

"Fine."

Yuna walked over to the body and flipped it over so that his face was now facing the sky. He was so badly beaten up and bruised that it was hard to even make out his face. Much to her surprise, Yuna found that the assassin was still breathing. Just as she tried to step forward and trample him, he suddenly let out a small chuckle.

"Heh... So, it turns out... that the leader's... prediction... came true... The people of this universe... really do present... a threat... to his plan... after all..."

Yuna could tell that the assassin was dying for real this time. However, she was not about to let him simply pass on before she got some answers out of him.

"Who are you? And what are you talking about?"

The assassin suddenly took on an amused expression when he heard Yuna's voice.

"So... it was you... after all... I had my suspicions... when I... first heard you talk..."

"You know me?"

"Has it been so long... that you... don't recognize me anymore? Then again... I guess... no one can... recognize me... looking as I am right now..."

"Stop with all this mysteriousness. Give me a clear answer or I will trample you. Who are you?"

"You... already... know..."

Yuna knew that the assassin's time was rapidly coming to an end. In here desperation to get some answers out of him, she began to stomp on his stomach with one of her hooves.

"Give me a straight answer, dammit!"

Even with Yuna stomping on him, the assassin managed to give one final sinister smile as he uttered his last words.

"All... hail... S..."

With that, the assassin finally died, his spirit probably ending up in hell. Or a _Twilight_ convention. Either way, he would never find peace in the afterlife.

"Damn. Let's hope I'll be able to get some answers from farmer girl at the least."

Yuna left the crater as a bunch of Guays began to fly down towards the assassin's dead body. Not wanting to watch the gruesome feast that was about to begin, Yuna quickened her pace. She found Malon sitting down and apparently waiting for Yuna.

"Is he dead?"

"Yep. Bastard wouldn't give away anything to the end. All he said were a few cryptic comments."

"Shame. Hey, Yuna. How far away do you think the Great Fairy is?"

"After everything that's happened, you're still worried about that right now?"

"No. It's just that I'm feeling really run down. I don't think I can even stand up right now."

"So you want the Great Fairy to restore your energy. Meh, sounds like a plan. Besides, I managed to locate her whereabouts during your fight with the assassin."

"Great! By the way, I've got a little favor I need to ask. Can you carry me to the fountain? Like I said before, I can barely move right now."

"Moo! Forget it!"

Three minutes later, Yuna was seen trudging through the desert with Malon riding on her back.

"Speak of this to anyone, and I'll force you to listen to that _Friday_ song."

"My lips are sealed."

As Yuna continued walking along, the sun began to set behind the two of them. As the sky turned a deep orange shade, Malon suddenly spoke up.

"Umm, Yuna?"

"What now? I swear, if you're going to tell me to go faster, I'm going to..."

"No. It's not that. I just wanted to finish telling you what I wanted to say all the way back at the beginning of this chapter."

"You were saying something? Oh, yeah. Something about you not being normal. Pfft. After everything I've seen today, the only person that's stranger than you right now is Jack Sparrow."

"Well, I just want to warn you that you might find this information a bit surprising."

"I don't think anything's going to surprise me right now. Let me guess. Are you a cyborg sent from the future? No? Then is you're dad actually Chuck Norris? Nada? Maybe your mother was actually..."

"Din."

"Say what now?"

"You heard me. My mother... she was actually Din: the Goddess of Power."

**xxx  
><strong>_?_

"_We don't want anything more to do with your schemes!"_

"_Then you too shall perish alongside your friends. It's such a pity that a person as powerful as you would dare to rebel against us. You would've been quite useful in my plan. Well, no matter. As you know, insubordination will not be tolerated in this organization. Farewell."_

"Sir? Everyone's gathered."

The mysterious, spiky-haired figure shook himself from his thoughts as he stood up to begin the meeting.

"Greetings, my fellow companions. As you all know, I have called you here today to share some surprising news."

"Are we getting new chairs for this place? The ones we currently have are so stiff!"

"Er, no. Anyways, it seems that one of us has thought it real clever to jeopardize our plan for a little more attention."

A thin shadowy figure suddenly stood up and fell to his knees.

"Please, sir! I only meant to..."

"Shut up. Your foolish actions have alerted our enemies. They may not know exactly what we're up to, but now they'll have their guards up."

"Please! Have mercy!"

The spiky-haired leader merely waved his hand. Immediately, two of the council members appeared behind the thin figure and grabbed him by the arms. The two proceeded to drag their victim out of the room until his screams for mercy were silenced at the sound of a large door slamming shut.

"Well, that takes care of that. But what about the plan? Can we still go through with it?"

The leader waited a moment before answering.

"Yes. The plan must continue. Our scientists have calculated that the fourth wall is nearly destroyed. Once it completely shatters, we shall make our move. Then, the entire universe will be ours!"

Everyone in the room gave out a large cheer at this. Suddenly, a telephone began to ring in the background. With a sigh, the leader stood up to answer the call.

"Yes. Who is this? Oh, the pizza place! Why are you calling?"

Everyone leaned in close to hear what their leader was saying. However, it soon became apparent that they needn't have bothered.

"WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE ANYMORE ANCHOVIES? YOU KNOW WHAT? CANCEL MY ORDER! I'M NEVER ORDERING FROM YOUR PLACE AGAIN!"

The leader hung up the phone with such force that the receiver broke apart. Everyone remained silent as to not invoke the wrath of their leader. Unfortunately, one of the council members didn't quite catch onto the seriousness of the situation.

"How about we go to _TGI Friday's_ instead?"

The leader immediately blew up the guy who said this with an energy beam. As the person's remains started to drop back down, the leader turned to face the rest of the terrified council.

"Pack up your stuff. We're going to _TGI Friday's_."


	10. LoZ Origins: Malon

Sorry about the long wait. I was suffering from writer's block and I needed to save all the caffeine I had for the upcoming chapters. I promise that the next chapter will be 100% humor and randomness. In the meantime, watch as I unveil the mysterious origins of Malon...

* * *

><p><strong>LoZ Origins: Malon<strong>

"No! Not another one of these! I need my screen time, dammit!"

"Calm down Yuna. You'll get your fair share of screen time in this one."

"Then what the heck is this chapter going to be about? It says **LoZ Origins: Malon**, not **LoZ Origins: Yuna**! How the hell am I going to feature in a backstory where I wasn't even present?"

"Because I'm the one who's going to tell the story. As such, you'll be able to add some comments once in a while."

"Hold on a second. Does that mean I'm going to have to carry you around until this stupid chapter is over?"

"No. I'm going to time it so that the story will end by the time we get to the Great Fairy."

"How's that even possible? It's not like I've got one of those "Time Until Arrival" features they have on airplanes!"

"What's an airplane?"

"Never mind. Just start the story."

"Alright. I guess I'll begin with how my parents met..."

**xxx  
><strong>_19 years ago..._

Talon gave a large yawn as he woke up at the local inn. He was currently stationed at a small village located practically in the middle of nowhere. Not for the first time, Talon began to question why he was even at this place. Then he remembered his meeting with the king a few days ago.

"Talon, I've got a very important mission for you. Our scouts have just reported that the Goron BOULDER division has been dispatched and is heading towards a very valuable village. As a result, I've decided to send you and a small number of our best soldiers to defend this location. It's imperative that we keep this village in our hands. If we lose it, we lose the war."

Those were the king's exact words. Truthfully though, Talon didn't see what was so special about the place. The most interesting thing about it was a cookie shop located in the village's market square. Then again, if the king went out of his way to send his best general to defend it, it probably had to have some hidden importance that only the royal family knew about.

With a sigh, Talon stood up and...

_**Moo! Look at his muscles! And that wavy hair! He looks like some kind of model!**_

_**Yuna, this wasn't what I meant when I said that you could add a few comments.**_

_**Yeah, whatever. I just can't believe that a hunk like him would end up as some lame overweight farmer! I mean, he looks like a fusion between Mario and a Snorlax nowadays!**_

_**Yuna...**_

_**Oh, right. Continue on.**_

Anywho, Talon stood up and put on his clothes and armor. He prepared himself for another dreary day with nothing to do except paying an occasional visit to the sentries he had posted around the village. With another sigh, he left his room and headed down to get some breakfast. As he headed into the inn's dining room, he saw a group of local farmers discussing something in low, urgent voices. Curiosity getting the better of him, Talon walked a bit nearer to hear what they were saying.

"Have you heard? There's some really weird folk in town right now. They all wear these black cloaks with their hoods pulled down low so that you can't see their faces."

"Yeah! I've heard about them too! They're apparently asking around if anyone's heard of the 'MM' or something like that."

"Really? Do you think we should report this to the sheriff?"

"Don't bother yourself. They're probably just a group of actors trying to get people interested in a performance they're about to have. I can bet you anything that this 'MM' of theirs is the title for their show. They're just trying to figure out if people around here have heard about them or not."

"I don't know. They didn't seem to look very actor-like. Then again, the royal army's also here right now. Only a total idiot would actually plan something illegal with all these extra soldiers around."

"Yeah, you're right. I guess we shouldn't worry about it."

With that, the farmers went back to talking about their daily lives. Talon sneaked off to a table far off from the farmers and sat down. He processed the information he had just heard and decided to tell his men to heighten security around and in the village. Whoever these black-cloaked figures were, they didn't bode well with him. Hundreds of troublesome thoughts began to emerge as he tried to contemplate who this mysterious group could be. Luckily for him, his worries were abruptly ended with the arrival of some coffee and toast.

**xxx**

After finishing his meal, Talon stepped out into the streets of the village. Above him, the sky began to grow cloudy and gray. This only served to worsen Talon's anxiety. Having to stay on lookout was hard enough for his men without it raining as well.

With his thoughts lost in his worries, Talon was barely paying any attention to his surroundings. As a result, he soon found himself stumbling onto the ground after bumping into someone on the road. He immediately began to apologize as he stepped forward to help the person up. As he did so, he noticed that the person he had bumped into was actually a woman. She slowly lifter head and...

_**Let me guess. The woman was Din and the two fell in love at first sight, right?**_

_**Actually...**_

"Watch where you're going you dipshit!"

Talon backed up in surprise as the woman stood up and dusted off her dress. He now saw that she was actually around twenty or so with a rather thin constitution. However, he instantly got a feeling that the woman was actually stronger than she looked. Looking more closely, he saw she had long red hair along with eyes of the same color. Her face looked wise but also gave off a childish demeanor at the same time. As Talon continued to stare at her enchanting form, the woman angrily snapped her fingers at him to get his attention.

"Yo, Chuck! Are you just going to gawk at me at me all day or are you going to formally apologize?"

Talon blinked a few times before finally coming back down to reality. With the woman still glaring at him, he bowed his head slightly as he apologized once more.

"So sorry. I should've been paying more attention to where I was going."

"You're damn right, you should have! Ugh. People these days..."

Still grumbling to herself, the woman walked off and was soon lost in the crowd. Still a bit shaken from the encounter, Talon slowly set off once more towards the sentries he had posted around town. Little did he know that his encounter with the woman had been carefully observed by a pair of hooded figures.

"Are you sure she's the one?" the shorter hooded figure asked.

"I'm positive. Hurry up and report back to the captain. I'll see if I can tail her."

With that, the two silently moved off towards their respective destinations.

**xxx**

After meeting with all of his men, Talon decided to explore the village a bit more. He had already scouted out most of the place for security reasons but had ignored most of the shops during that time. Having nothing better to do, Talon decided now would be a good time to browse through those stores. As he headed into the market square, he saw the red-haired woman from earlier coming out of one of the shops while carrying a large bag. Even from the distance, he could see that she was in an even worse mood than before. Daring to get a little closer, he managed to catch a bit of what she was grumbling about.

"... damn sisters. Why am I always the delivery girl?"

Just then, a cloaked figure suddenly lept in and headed straight for the woman. In the blink of an eye, he snatched the bag the woman was carrying and tried to make his escape. Unfortunately for him...

_**Ooh! Wait, wait, wait! I've seen this on a Spanish soap opera! Talon's going to catch the thief and give Din back her stuff! That's how the two got together, right?**_

_**Yuna, if you keep interrupting me like this...**_

_**Oh, come on! It's not like I'm spoiling anything! It's so obvious how this story's going to turn out!**_

_**Just let me finish.**_

Ahem. Unfortunately for the thief, he spontaneously combusted.

_**What?**_

_**Yuna, shut up!**_

As everyone in the nearby vicinity watched, the thief immediately dropped the bag and ran off screaming before hurling himself down a well. The woman didn't even blink as she picked up her bag and continued to walk off. Talon wanted to follow her but decided that it was more important to hand over the thief to the local authorities. Forcing himself to turn away from the woman's retreating form, Talon went over to the well to help the other villagers in getting the thief out. However, much to everyone's surprise, all they managed to pull up from the well was a half-burnt cloak. Even after sending in a brave volunteer to check for a body, there remained no sign of the thief whatsoever. After discussing the strange occurrence with the villagers for a while, Talon walked off more confused than ever.

**xxx**

Even after spending a whole day of looking through the various shops, all Talon ended up buying was a new gauntlet along with a propeller hat that he managed to find at half price.

_**A propeller hat?**_

_**Don't question it. My dad always buys the weirdest things whenever he goes shopping. When I was four, he bought an ukulele and tried to play it every chance he got. Nearly drove my mom insane with that thing.**_

_**Okay...**_

Stepping out of the shop, Talon saw that it was starting to rain outside. With a sigh, he headed back into the shop to buy an umbrella. As he came back out, he saw the red-haired woman standing underneath one of the store's awning as if she was waiting for the rain to stop. As Talon was about to head over and offer to escort her, the woman snapped her fingers. Immediately, the rain stopped and the clouds parted to reveal the stars. As Talon looked up at the sky in surprise, the woman calmly picked up her bag and began to walk off. However, she had barely gone a few paces when a gang of unruly-looking men surrounded her.

"Hey, aren't you a pretty one? What're you doing alone at this late hour?"

The woman maintained the same neutral expression before replying.

"I'll give you all five seconds to get out of my way."

The men merely laughed at this and began to move in closer. Talon immediately pulled out his sword and started forward to intervene on the woman's behalf. It soon became apparent that he needn't have bothered.

"OH MY GOD! I'M BURNING!"

All the men around the woman spontaneously combusted and began running around in search of water. In the end, they all settled for diving into the well one after another. Acting as if nothing strange had happened, the woman started off once more down the road. Deciding that the local law enforcement could handle the ruffians in the well, Talon set off towards the strange woman. He managed to catch up to her just as she was rounding the corner.

"Hey, wait up!"

The woman turned around looking a bit annoyed at being waylaid once again. As soon as she recognized Talon, her expression became even more irked.

"Great. It's the dipshit again. What do you want?"

Talon, though a bit taken back by the sharp tone, managed to persist in his inquiry.

"I just wanted to ask you about that business back there with those thugs."

"What about it?"

"Well, it seemed like you set them on fire without even moving. I also saw what happened with that thief earlier today."

"Are you stalking me or something?"

"No. It's just my job to keep track of anything that might present itself as a threat to the village."

The woman gave an exasperated sigh and began walking off again. Taking his chances, Talon followed after her and continued with his questions.

"Are you some kind of sorceress?"

"No."

"Are you one of those Great Fairies in disguise?"

"No."

"Are you a ninja?"

"No."

"Are you the _Lucky Charms_ leprechaun?"

"NO!"

The woman suddenly punched an unlucky barrel that happened to be next to her. Before Talon's unbelieving eyes, the barrel exploded into a million pieces as the blow connected.

"CAN'T YOU FIND ANYONE ELSE TO BOTHER? YOU'RE ABOUT AS ANNOYING AS MY DAMN SISTERS!"

"Please don't kill me," Talon managed to squeak out.

The woman stayed silent for what seemed like an eternity for Talon. Just as he thought that she was going to obliterate him, the woman responded in a surprisingly apologetic voice.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have freaked out on you like that."

"Say what?"

"I said I'm sorry. It isn't like me to lose my tempter like that. It's just that I'm under so much stress right now."

Realizing that he was momentarily safe, Talon decided to continue the conversation.

"Is it something that I can help you with?"

"Pfft. Unless you can go and strangle my sisters for me, I doubt it."

"What's wrong with your sisters?"

"Everything! They keep sending me out to do their chores for them! Just today, they sent me out to pick up some important deliveries that they needed! If that wasn't bad enough, they'll probably force me to do their paperwork for them as soon as I get back! They treat me like some kind of maid!"

"Wow. They sound like the biggest bitches in Hyrule."

Talon immediately clasped his mouth shut as soon as he said this. He wasn't sure why he had even said it in the first place. He quickly turned to apologize to the woman for insulting her sisters.

"I... I'm sorry! It just sort of slipped out! Please don't incinerate me!"

What happened next left Talon completely perplexed. Instead of barbequing him with her powers, the woman began to laugh. Talon just stood by looking confused for the next three minutes or so until the woman finally managed to respond between her giggles.

"I can't believe you just said that! Heh heh. You're either the bravest man I know or the stupidest!"

"Huh? What's so funny about me insulting your sisters?"

"Oh, you wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."

"Okay..."

Following this strange occurrence, the two continued to walk down the street they were on in silence. Eventually, Talon decided to start up another conversation.

"So... What's your name?"

Instead of giving the annoyed look that Talon was expecting to get, the woman smiled a little as she answered.

"Din."

"You mean like the Goddess?"

"Yeah. Exactly like the Goddess."

"Well, my name's Talon. Now that we're formally introduced, how about you tell me where you're headed? I can escort you to your house if you want."

"Oh, I don't live around here. I was hoping to get a room at the inn."

"The inn? The last time I checked, the place was entirely booked."

"Damn. Guess I'll just have to set out early for home."

"In the middle of the night? Hold on a second. Why don't you spend the night in my room?"

As soon as he said it, Talon realized just how awkward his question had sounded. Din raised an eyebrow at him as if warning him to choose his next words carefully.

"Umm... that didn't come out right. What I meant to say was that you could borrow my room seeing as how I won't be using it tonight. I told my men that I'd stay on watch with them."

"You're a soldier?"

"General, actually."

"Impressive. Alright, I'll take you up on your offer. However, you have to hand me the keys to the room. And if I find you trying to sneak in, I'll turn you inside out with a rusty crowbar."

"D... Deal."

"Great! I owe you one!"

With that, the two walked towards the inn in much greater spirits. Above them, the stars seemed to reflect their mood by shining brighter than before. Even the insects seemed to be rejoicing as they created a musical symphony around the two. Just then, a mischievous smile suddenly crept onto Din's face.

"Hey, Talon. Quick question. Do you know how the moon and the stars were created?"

"That was random. Well... I'd have to say that the goddesses created them just like they created Hyrule."

Talon immediately noticed Din trying to stifle a laugh. This caused him to put on a puzzled expression again.

"What? Did I say something wrong?"

"No. By the way, do you believe that Hyrule is the center of the universe?"

"Umm, yes. One can easily tell that the sun, the moon, and the stars all revolve around our planet."

Hearing this, Din couldn't help but burst out laughing. Before Talon could ask what was so funny, she managed to ask him yet another question.

"Do... do you believe that Hyrule is flat?"

"Of course not! Everyone knows that Hyrule's round like a sphere!"

By now, Din was practically rolling on the floor in hysterics. Talon edged away from her as she continued to laugh like crazy. Just when Talon was wondering whether to get a doctor or not, Din stood back up and assumed her usual neutral expression.

"Sorry about that. I just couldn't resist."

Talon had on the most bamboozled expression ever to come across a person's face. After a minute or so, he had recovered enough to start questioning about Din's strange reaction to his answers.

"What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing. I just have a rather twisted sense of humor."

As Din and the very confused general turned a corner, a trio of hooded figures suddenly appeared and blocked their path. Just as Talon was about to ask them to clear the road, the tallest figure of the three stepped forward and bowed his head in a mocking way.

"Hello there. Would you two lovebirds give us a moment of your time? We've got some very important matters to deal with."

Talon immediately sensed that something was wrong. His suspicions were confirmed when he turned around and saw a dozen or so hooded figures standing behind him and Din. The mysterious strangers had them completely trapped and were slowly approaching the two. Knowing that these strangers meant trouble, Talon drew his sword and pointed it towards the hooded figure who had spoken before.

"Who are you people?"

The tall one, who was apparently the commander of the group, merely laughed at Talon's actions.

"I don't see the need to introduce myself to a dead man," he simply stated as he summoned a cruel-looking sword to his hand. The weapon had a thin blade like a saber and was easily as tall as the man who wielded it. Even with his immense battle experience, Talon couldn't identify the sword as anything he had ever seen before.

Without any warning, the mysterious swordsman rushed in at Talon with the intent of impaling him. However, his advance was cut short by a large fiery wall that suddenly appeared and separated him from his target.

"Why don't you people run off before somebody gets hurt?" Din asked as she summoned a large fireball to her hand.

The commander of the group merely gave an annoyed grunt and turned to face the short figure standing next to him.

"You! Warp us over to somewhere that's a little less crowded! In a narrow battlefield such as this, that sorceress has the advantage!"

"Yes, sir!"

The short one immediately began to chant in a strange language. As he did so, strange runes began to form around him. Then, in the blink of an eye, the scenery suddenly changed from an alleyway to a rocky plateau in the middle of a deserted wasteland. Before anyone could comment on the sudden change in the background, the commander ran in to attack Talon once more. This time, however, Talon was ready. He rolled out of the way and swung his sword towards his opponent. The leader's underlings watched in horror as their captain's arm was cut off. As his opponent screamed in pain, Talon stared him down with steely eyes before speaking.

"Give yourself up or I will finish you here and now."

Suddenly, the commander began to laugh. As everyone watched in confusion, he stood back up as if nothing had happened and grabbed his fallen sword with his remaining hand.

"Fool. One arm is all I need to..."

He never got to finish his monologue. While his attention was fixed on Talon, Din had silently sneaked up on him. Now that he had given her an opening, the commander found himself slugged in the stomach by an immense force. He had just enough time to let out a surprised grunt before he exploded in a flash of bright red light. Din casually dusted off her hands as she turned towards the remaining hooded figures.

"So. Who's next?"

Before any of the cloaked figures could react, a shadowy form began to take shape behind Din. In a few seconds, the shadows had solidified into the tall hooded figure. What was even more surprising was that he seemed to have regenerated his arm as well. He summoned his sword once more to his hand and slowly approached Din. Just as the swordsman raised his sword to strike her down, Talon took notice of him. Knowing that Din wouldn't be able to react in time even if he shouted out a warning, Talon threw himself between the attacker as...

_**Moo! Really? The classic "guy dies while trying to save the girl he loves" gig? Let me guess, Talon takes the fatal blow, Din defeats the enemy, Talon has tearful last words for Din, Din brings Talon back to life, the two fall in love, happily ever after. The end. Boring! If I wanted to watch a cheesy romance movie, I could've just watched Titanic! That would've been way more entertaining than this!**_

_**Yuna, if I wasn't as tired as shit right now, you'd be...**_

_**Yeah, yeah. But I don't see the need to continue on with this story. Why don't we just end it here and...**_

… the commander spontaneously combusted.

_**I should've seen that one coming.**_

As the commander dropped to the floor and started rolling around in an effort to put out the flames, one of the hooded minions noticed that the bag that Din had been carrying was lying on the floor. Apparently, Din had left it there when she went in to punch the leader. Now, the bag was lying on the ground unguarded. Seeing this perfect opportunity, the minion swooped in and snatched the bag as quickly as Jabu-Jabu would swallow a fish.

"Hey, captain! I've got it! I have the item we came here for!" the minion quickly told his superior.

By now, the commander had put out the flames and was preparing himself for another clash. However, once he heard his underling's comment, he immediately changed tactics.

"Quick! Give it to me!"

The minion threw the bag towards his master with astonishing speed. Finally realizing what was happening, Din tried unsuccessfully to intercept the throw but fell just short of reaching it. The commander caught the bag and held it triumphantly above him.

"Yes! Now the entire universe shall be under my rule! Nothing can stand in my way now!"

"No! Don't open it!"

"Foolish sorceress! Why should I listen to you? With this, I shall become the most powerful being in the entire universe! Bow down before your new god!"

With that, the leader ripped open the bag and pulled out...

a large chocolate chip cookie.

"Wha...?"

Everyone stared with open mouths at the commander as he stood frozen while still holding the cookie above him. What happened next would be forever remembered as the greatest mistake ever made in Hyrule.

"A... COOKIE? A STUPID COOKIE? I thought for sure that you would be the goddesses' delivery girl! Our spies told us that you'd be coming down to pick up the artifact today! How could they have been wrong?"

In his rage, the commander crushed the cookie he was holding. Everyone continued to stare dumbfounded at the commander as he brushed off the crumbs on his hand. Everyone except Din, that is. A red glow began to surround her as the ground shook violently. The very air around her crackled with pure energy as the glow began to intensify. With a murderous look in her eyes, Din turned to face the hooded ones' leader.

"YOU RETARDED INFIDEL! NOW NAYRU'S GOING TO FORCE ME TO BUY A NEW COOKIE FOR HER! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THOSE THINGS COST?"

"Twenty rupees?"

"DIE!"

Din raised her hand to eye-level and aimed it at the hooded ones. Immediately, a storm of flaming meteors descended from the heavens and smote every living thing on the plateau. Including Talon. Luckily for him, Din remembered at the last second that he was still there. She quickly pulled Talon towards her with some magical force just as one of the meteors flew towards him. Unfortunately, she was still a bit too slow to save all of him.

"My hair! It's on fire!"

Yep. The meteor had managed to graze his head just before Din pulled him to safety. While Talon was busy putting out the fire on his head, Din walked forward to inspect the results of her attack. As expected, every single member of the hooded ones were incinerated into ashes. Just as she relaxed, a sword came flying towards her from out of nowhere. The wielder of the weapon was none other than the commander of the hooded ones. He was obviously injured but apparently still had the energy to strike out at his opponent. However, his surprise attack on Din merely proved to be as foolish as crushing the cookie had been. Din simply grabbed the blade with her bare hands and snapped it two.

"No! How dare you do that to my sword? I'm going to freaking murder you!"

Just as the commander charged in at Din, a glowing ball of light appeared between the two. From this light, a shadowy, spiky-haired figure in a cape-like cloak emerged. As the glowing light behind him disappeared, Din tried to see who the figure was but found that it was impossible. It seemed as if the stranger was physically manipulating the shadows to conceal his form. Paying no attention to Din, the spiky-haired figure headed straight for the tall hooded one.

"Get up. We're retreating for now."

"What do you mean? I've got this bitch right where I want her! Just give me another minute and..."

"Fool. Are you so blind as to not notice who this woman really is?"

"Enlighten me."

"She's one of the goddesses of this land. That's right. A goddess. Now that you know how outmatched you are, hurry up and follow me out of this place."

The tall one gave an irritated sigh before replying.

"If you could just let me bring my army into this world..."

"You know that I can't transfer over that many people at once. However, that might soon change..."

The spiky-haired figure raised his hand and another glowing portal emerged before him. Of course, Din wasn't about to just let them leave so simply. She quickly summoned a fireball to her hand and hurled it towards the two retreating entities. Surprisingly, the spiky-haired figure simply raised his hand and seemed to absorb the attack. He turned to face Din with a shadowy smile on his face.

"Perhaps another time," he mockingly called out as he stepped into the portal with his associate. And just like that, the two vanished without a trace.

Knowing that the danger was now truly over, Din let out a deep breath and turned off her blazing aura. After checking to make sure that the hooded ones didn't leave any clues behind as to their identities, she walked back to check up on Talon.

"Hey, you okay? Sorry about the whole meteor thing. I tend to go a little crazy when I lose my temper."

Looking a bit closer, Din could now see that Talon was currently covering his head with his hands. He slowly turned to face Din with a look of incredulity on his face.

"A little? YOU WENT COMPLETELY BERSERK! LOOK AT MY HAIR! IT'S GONE! I'M FREAKING HALF-BALD!"

Talon lowered his hands as he said this so that Din could see his head. Indeed, all the hair on the top of his head was burnt off. Only a few tufts remained at the sides.

"Oops. Heh heh. Sorry about that. Look, here's a wig to cover it up."

As she said this, she summoned a wig from out of nowhere to her hand. Seeing this magical feat, Talon looked at Din with a look of awe and shock.

"Then... what those weirdos were saying... it's true? You're... actually the Goddess of Power?"

Din remained silent as she handed the wig over to Talon. From the look on her face, it seemed like she was quietly debating something. After a few minutes, she turned to face Talon with a apologetic smile.

"Yeah. Sorry about lying to you. It's just that I'm obligated to keep my true identity a secret when I'm dealing with mortals. Man, if my sisters found out about this, they would..."

"Assign you to paperwork for the next fifty years?" asked a feminine voice.

"Crap."

In a flash of blue and green, two women appeared before them. Appearance-wise, the two looked nearly identical to Din. The only exception was their eye and hair-color which reflected the color of the light that they had just appeared in. The green-haired woman was wearing an office-style blouse and skirt. The blue-haired woman had on a T-shirt and leather pants. Currently, the two were glaring at Din with equally annoyed looks on their faces.

"Nice going, you moron! Thanks to you, we've got to file another year's worth of paperwork to sort out the damage you've caused!" the blue-haired one, Nayru, shouted.

"Hey! I was under attack! I only used my powers to defend myself!"

"If that was the case, why didn't you just warp out?" the green-haired woman, Farore, asked.

"I couldn't! Those hooded weirdos were preventing me from escaping! I tried to warp out but something was stopping me from getting away!"

"Bullshit! How could anyone restrain a goddess? Stop making excuses for yourself and just apologize! Plus, I saw what happened to my cookie! I want a new one on my desk by tomorrow!"

"But I..."

"No 'buts'! I'm sick of hearing your excuses Din! Why can't you ever do anything correctly?"

"Hey! Stop ganging up on her like that, you posers!" Talon interrupted.

Nayru and Farore were struck silent at his remark. They were clearly not used to being spoken to like that. After recovering from their shock, Nayru turned to face Talon with a very arrogant look.

"And just who do you think you are?"

"Someone who can tell that you're treating your sister like total trash! I don't care if you're the freaking goddesses or not! It's obvious that you both need to learn some manners!"

"Oh, you did not just talk to me that way! Hey, Farore! Is it okay if I smite this guy?"

"Meh. I don't really care."

"Sweet!"

Just then, a wall of fire appeared, separating Nayru from Talon. Din had the red aura around her again as she faced her sister.

"Touch him and I'll crush you."

"Cute. Now let me through so that I can get on with the smiting."

As soon as Nayru took a step forward, Din ran in to make true of her words. However, before the two goddesses could clash, Farore teleported in between the two.

"Enough. If you two are going to fight, do it on an uninhabited quadrant. I'm sick of you two destroying entire galaxies every time you get into an argument. Now, both of you can either apologize to each other or end up destroying Hyrule. Make your choice."

Din and Nayru continued to glare at each other as they reluctantly stepped away from each other.

"I'm sorry that you're such an asshole, Nayru."

"And I'm sorry that you're an annoying prick."

"Good enough. Now then, let's get back to business. Din, did you get the artifact?"

"Yeah. You two should be thanking me seeing as how I prevented those hooded weirdos from stealing it."

"Whatever. Just give it to us already."

Din conjured up a small wooden box from out of nowhere and handed it to her sisters. Farore cautiously opened the case while Nayru peeked over her shoulder. Although Talon couldn't see what was in the box from where he was standing, he could still feel the immense power radiating out from inside the box. After confirming what was in the container, Farore quickly closed the box and nodded.

"It seems like everything is in order."

"Don't I at least get a 'thank you' for my hard work?"

"No. Besides, you're job's not over yet. You still have to deliver this to our contact for safekeeping."

"What? Couldn't you do that?"

"I could, but I have my own chores to deal with right now. It seems I forgot to unleash that plague on the Zoras last week. Anyways, you know the contact better than any of us."

"Yeah, but he still gives me the creeps! I mean, what's up with his purple suit and mask fetish?"

"Show some respect. He might be a bit eccentric but it doesn't change the fact that he's been loyal to us for all these centuries."

"Now you're making it sound like he's our pet."

"Just go and deliver the stupid artifact to him."

With that, Farore shoved the box back into Din's hands. Farore and Nayru surrounded themselves with their own colored aura as they prepared to warp back to the divine realm.

"Wait! Shouldn't you two launch some sort of investigation into who those hooded people were?"

"That's your problem, not ours," Nayru replied while sticking her tongue out at Din.

Just as Din threw a fireball at her sister, Farore and Nayru disappeared in a flash of blue and green.

"What I wouldn't give to throw those two into Death Mountain! Tch. Why couldn't I be related to Palutena instead?"

Still grumbling to herself, Din turned and walked over to Talon.

"You alright? Nayru didn't curse you or anything while I wasn't looking, did she?"

"I... I'm fine. Er, thanks for protecting me from your sister."

"Meh. It's the least I could do for someone who'd stand up for me against that bitch. Trust me, Nayru's the biggest diva in the entire universe."

"I've noticed... Soooo... What now?"

Din looked down at the box she was carrying and sighed.

"Looks like I've got another delivery to make. And I don't even know where to start looking for the guy I'm supposed to deliver it to. You know, I think I'll just bury this thing in the Mushroom Kingdom if I can't find him after a few months. I don't think my sisters' will give a care either way."

"What's in the box anyways?"

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. And personally, I kinda like you so don't make me do that."

"O... Okay... Wait. Did you just say what I think you did? You actually... like me?"

"Anyone with enough balls to stand up to a bitchy goddess is alright with me. Like I said before, you're either the bravest man I know or the stupidest. And now I'm sure that it isn't the latter."

Talon blushed a bit when he heard this.

"Ah, it was nothing. I just couldn't bear to see someone being bullied like that."

"Well, it meant a lot to me."

Before Talon could say anything else, Din leaned in and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"See you later... little hero."

As Talon stood in a daze, the scenery around him began to rapidly change. In a few seconds, he found himself standing alone in his inn room. No trace of Din remained except for the warmth which remained on the cheek where she had kissed him. Just as Talon finally managed pull himself back into reality, one of his soldiers came barging into the room.

"Sir! You won't believe what just happened! Our scouts have reported that the entire Goron BOULDER division was eaten by giant Leevers!"

"Wait, what? The entire division was eaten?"

"Yes, sir! I still can't believe just how lucky we got! Those Gorons were said to be the toughest soldiers out there! Thank the Goddesses that we managed to avoid fighting them!"

Talon gave a smile when he heard this.

"There's only one Goddess that you need to be thanking right now. And I'm pretty sure I know which one."

As the soldier watched him with a confused expression, Talon looked out the window and stared out at the heavens that lay beyond.

"Thanks... Din."

**xxx  
><strong>_Present time..._

"... and thus their beautiful relationship started. The end."

"..."

"Yuna? Hey, Yuna! Hello? Anyone in there?"

"Huh? The story's over?"

"Were you dozing off this whole time?"

"No. I was just busy thinking right now. Your story brought back some old memories of mine."

"What kind of memories? Were they about your Burger King friends?"

"I'll give you five seconds to retract that statement before I buck you off."

"Alright, I'm sorry. Anywho, what did you think about my story?"

"Lame. Absolutely lame. I mean, your parents ended up together just because of that one meeting? How unrealistic is that?"

"For your information, they had a few more adventures together before they ended up married."

"What kind of adventures?"

"Well, there was that one time where they had to fight a three-headed platypus that had the power to shoot flaming waffles from its mouth. But that's a tale for another time."

"Three-headed platypus? Never mind. Anyways, where did your mom disappear to after you were born? From what I know of, Goddesses can't die."

"I never said she was dead. People just assumed that. What really happened was that she had to return to the divine realm in preparation for the whole Hero of Time business. She had to leave exactly three days before my sixth birthday..."

"I'm guessing you have a grudge against Link then. After all, he's the reason why your mom had to leave."

"Don't be silly. Even if the Hero of Time thing didn't start, my mom couldn't have stayed with us forever. She is a Goddess after all. Besides, Link's risking his life for us right now in order to defeat Ganondorf. If anything, I should be thanking Link, not holding a silly grudge against him."

Yuna gave a derisive snort at Malon's comment.

"Ganondorf's reign of terror could've been ended the moment it started if you went to stop him."

"Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. After learning about my powers, my mom specifically forbid me from using them in public. I think her decision probably had something to do with the cow incident."

"What cow incident?"

"When I was four, I threw a cow all the way to Death Mountain. At least I think it was Death Mountain. Come to think of it, I wonder what became of that cow? Maybe it's still living somewhere on the volcano."

"Moo! Why'd you have to go and throw an innocent cow for?"

"I was angry at my dad for stealing the last piece of candy and that cow was the closest thing standing next to me. Anyways, after mom saw this, she told me the truth about herself. Of course, I didn't believe her until she burned down the tool shed with a snap of her fingers. After we put out the fire, my mom warned me not to use my powers unless I was facing some kind of life-threatening situation. That's why I wasn't able to do anything about Ingo when he took over the ranch."

"If that's the case, why are you using your powers so freely now?"

"I don't. During our little adventure, I only used my powers when we were facing real threats. All those other times, I merely spammed those _Naruto _powers the author gave me."

"Really? Then what about Ruto? And that Skulltula guy? Or that boulder you threw in Ch 2? Or..."

"Oh, would you look at that. We've already arrived at the Great Fairy's cave."

"Getting a straight answer out of you is like getting Justin Bieber to act more manly. Now, get off my back!"


	11. Expect the Unexpected

Here's the result of caffeine overdose and watching too many abridged videos on Youtube. Hope you enjoy!

Credit to SailorZeldatheLightAlchemist for giving me the idea about the Triforce of Courage.

* * *

><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<br>****Ch 11: Expect the Unexpected**

"How are we going to call out the Great Fairy? After all, we still don't know the royal melody that summons them."

"Simple. I'll just threaten to destroy her fountain if she doesn't appear. It worked last time, didn't it?"

Much to their surprise, Malon and Yuna saw that the Great Fairy was actually waiting for them. Like the last one had been, this Great Fairy was stunningly beautiful as well. The only difference between the two was that this one was dressed like a hot schoolteacher as opposed to a fairy-tale princess.

"You're Malon, correct?" the fairy asked once she noticed the two visitors.

"Umm, yes. How did you know about me?"

"Your mother. She asked me to patch you up once you arrived."

A look of surprise crossed Malon's face when she heard this.

"What? Mom? You actually talked to her?"

"A few hours ago. She told me that healing you was a top priority mission."

"Can... can you allow me to speak with her? Please?"

"Meh, sure. I don't see why not. By the way, once I bring her over, can you ask her to give me a promotion? I've been wanting to get out of this desert wasteland for decades!"

"Just call her!"

"Fine, fine. You don't have to get snappy with me."

With that, the Great Fairy disappeared in flash of light. For the next five minutes, Yuna was forced to watch Malon as she bobbed up and down in anticipation. Finally, Yuna just couldn't take it anymore.

"Jeez! Calm down! You look like a rabid fangirl getting ready to maul her favorite idol!"

"I can't help myself! I'm finally going to be able to see Mom after all these years!"

A few minutes later, the Great Fairy returned looking rather frazzled.

"Umm... I don't think you're mom's available right now. Apparently, she's in some sort of argument with her sister. She nearly incinerated me when I bothered her..."

"So... she can't see me?"

"Apparently not. Sorry."

Malon looked more crestfallen than a child getting socks for Christmas. After a few moments, she faced the Great Fairy once more.

"Did you happen to catch what mom's arguing about this time?"

"I heard her say something about Link before I left."

"Link? What's he gotten himself into this time?"

**xxx  
><strong>_Somewhere in the Water Temple..._

"Whew! I'm glad I finally got that Tektite off of me! Thanks, Navi!"

"What're you thanking me for? I didn't do anything! In fact, I was just about to enjoy watching it do an Irish jig on you before it suddenly blew up!"

"Maybe one of my bombs rolled out and detonated."

"I don't think so. From what I could tell, it seemed like you blew it off of you with..."

**xxx  
><strong>_Divine Realm..._

"Nuclear laser beam eyes? Farore, you better explain yourself!"

Din and Nayru were both staring down at their sister with murderous glares. Farore was currently cowering in the office chair she was sitting in.

"I... I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Really? Then maybe you'd like to explain how Link just blew up a Tektite with nuclear laser beam eyes? The last time I checked, he didn't have any items that allowed him to do that."

"Er, maybe it's just his powers as the Hero of Time?"

"You've been messing with the Triforce of Courage, haven't you?"

"No! Of course not! Well... umm... just a little?"

Nayru had to restrain Din as she lept in to attack Farore. As soon as Din stopped struggling (which took a good ten minutes), Nayru turned to face her green-haired sister with a look of contempt.

"As much as I hate agreeing with Din, I've got to say you've crossed the line with this one. The Triforce is supposed to be our symbol of balance to the people of Hyrule. Why would you equip nuclear laser beam eye powers to the Triforce of Courage?"

"You guys told me to look after Link! I figured he'd have the best chance of survival if he had some... er, special powers!"

"Wait. Powers? As in more than one? What else did you add to your Triforce piece?"

"N... nothing much. Just... a few other handy survival tools..."

"Really? Computer! Hand me the data log for the Triforce of Courage! I want every single change made to it in the last five million years!"

The printer-like machine on Farore's desk buzzed to life as it spat out a handful of papers. Nayru quickly snatched them and began to read through the list. As she read, her expression grew ever more perilous.

"What's it say?" Din asked as she tried to look over Nayru's shoulder.

"Here. Look for yourself," she replied as she handed the papers to her sister.

"Let's see. WHAT? PLOT PROTECTION? ABILITY TO DEFY THE LAWS OF PHYSICS? NEVER-ENDING STAMINA? ABILITLY TO MASTER ANY WEAPON HE USES AS SOON AS HE GETS THEM? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?"

"Okay! I might have added a few other things but..."

"HOW IS A SELF-DESTRUCT FUNCTION A HANDY SURVIVAL TOOL?"

"Self-destruct function? Oh, yeah! I forgot I even put that there!"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Nayru had to once again restrain Din as she lept in to strangle Farore.

"Let me at her! I'm gong to..."

"Hold on, Din. I'd like to know Farore's reasoning behind her actions before we begin to dismember her."

"I... I told you! I only did this to ensure Link's survival! If he fails his quest, we'd be forced to flood Hyrule in order to stop Ganondorf! And you know how much paperwork that's going to take!"

"Idiot! We're going to flood Hyrule no matter what happens! Haven't you been checking the 'to do' list?"

"Not really... Anyways, I don't see what the big deal is! So what if I added a few accessories to the Triforce of Courage? Link would have been long since dead if the only power my Triforce piece gave him was extra bravery!"

"The last time I checked, 4568 different powers doesn't constitute as a few. By the way, what the hell is this 'respawn' feature? It's number 598 on your list of changes to the Triforce of Courage."

"Number 598? Oh, that! That nifty little feature allows Link to resurrect at the start of wherever he was if he 'dies'. How else would he have managed to survive all those temples so far?"

"Why not just make him immortal? In fact, why don't we make him a god and bring him up here? Isn't that what you're planning to do anyways?"

"Of course not! I'd never..."

"Enough talk. Let's get on with the punishment," Din said as she pulled out a chainsaw.

"Leave something for me," Nayru cackled as she whipped out a blowtorch.

"Meep."

**xxx  
><strong>_Somewhere below Kakariko Village's well..._

"Ugh. I hate Mondays," Bongo-Bongo grumbled as he woke up. With a large yawn, the Phantom Beast forced himself off of his bed and took in his surroundings. As usual, he was in a gloomy underground cavern filled with numerous skeletons and corpses. However, the place seemed a bit dustier than he last remembered. Putting those thoughts aside, he put on his custom-made bathrobe and headed down to get some food.

"Mmm. There's nothing better than the smell of scrambled Like-Likes in morning," Bongo-Bongo mused as he began to cook his breakfast. As he continued to prepare his food, Bongo-Bongo turned on the small TV on the kitchen counter to hear the morning news.

"... with possible sandstorms in the Gerudo Desert. In the meantime, Lake Hylia will be seeing mildly cloudy skies for the next few weeks. Now, back to you Rick," the reporter finished. Meanwhile, Bongo-Bongo began to happily hum Bowser's theme from _Super Mario 64 _as he reached for some salt and pepper.

"Thanks, Jane. Now on to the traffic report. There seems to be a three-way collision on the 605 near Kakariko Village. Apparently, no one was hurt but expect some heavy delays in that area. Also, a herd of cows are currently blocking the exit ramp on the number 5 freeway for LonLon ranch. Anyone heading there should take the number 40 detour near Gerudo Valley."

Bongo-Bongo continued to hum as he pulled out some milk from the refrigerator. The dairy in question was moldy and green but that didn't seem to bother the monster as he somehow began to drink it through his eyeball.

"...carrot prices are continuing to rise. However, the creation of the new hybrid horses might put an end to that problem..."

The Phantom Beast managed to find a pop-tart hidden in the corner of the fridge as he put the milk back in. He happily began to munch on the pastry as his scrambled Like-Likes neared completion.

"In other news, the Shadow Temple is announcing its grand re-opening today. After nearly four years of renovation work, Dead Hand announced that..."

The rest of the reporter's words were lost at the sound of Bongo-Bongo choking on the pop-tart. As soon as he coughed up the pastry piece lodged in his throat/eyeball/thing, he grabbed the television set and held it up close to make sure he hadn't misheard anything. The TV was currently displaying Dead Hand answering a question the reporter had just asked.

"... to start the renovation. After Mr. Bongo-Bongo, the previous owner of this place, went missing four years ago, I decided to take over and continue his dream of building the most twisted and horrifying temple imaginable."

Bongo-Bongo stared at the TV in confusion before he noticed the date that was being displayed on the corner of the screen.

"Holy shit! I've been asleep for four years? I must've overslept!" Bongo-Bongo exclaimed as he finally realized what had happened. He quickly put the TV back down, turned off the stove, and flew off towards the Shadow Temple. In his rush, he forgot to turn off the TV before leaving.

"... as Termina faces its fifth apocalyptic threat this year. In sports news, the final match of the Nintendo Baseball Classic is only three days away! Tickets are already sold out as everyone eagerly anticipates the match between the Mushroom Kingdom Giants and the Hylian Dodgers..."

**xxx  
><strong>_Back at the Great Fairy's Fountain..._

"... and that should do it," the Great Fairy said as she finished restoring Malon's energy.

"Thanks. I feel much better now."

"Moo! Why don't you ask the Great Fairy to fix up your clothes as well?"

"What do you mean?"

"Remember how that assassin shot you through the heart? Thanks to that, there's a giant hole in your shirt!"

"Silly Yuna. This story's rated T. You have to imply that my clothes were mended at the same time my goddess powers healed me."

"... I'm not even going to question the logic behind that one."

Just then, the Great Fairy's cellphone began to ring. Before Yuna could question the existence of cellphones in Hyrule, the Great Fairy quickly summoned the phone to her hand and answered.

"Gerudo Desert's Great Fairy speaking. Who is this?"

"It's me."

"Holy...! Is that you, Ms. Nayru?"

"Of course it's me! If you're done stating the obvious, hand the phone to Malon. There's something very important that I need to ask her."

The Great Fairy wasted no time in giving the phone to the farmer girl in question. Malon took hold of the phone, not quite sure what to do with it.

"Umm... hello?"

Yuna, Nayru, and the Great Fairy all face-palmed as Malon answered while holding the phone upside down. With a large sigh, Nayru responded.

"Hold up. I think it'll be simpler to just meet up with you personally. Ugh. Stupid Din. She didn't even bother teaching her own daughter how to use a cellphone..."

With that, Nayru hung up. As Malon handed the phone back to the Great Fairy, Yuna faced the farmgirl with a perplexed expression.

"You're actually on speaking terms with Nayru?"

"Of course. She's my aunt after all."

"Yeah, I know that. What I'm wondering is why she's acting so civil towards you. From what you told me, Nayru and Farore hated both your parents with extreme prejudice."

"They still do."

"Then why...?"

Yuna's questioning was interrupted by Nayru's entrance. In a bright flash of blue, Nayru appeared before the two with a smile on her face. Before Malon could say hello, the Goddess of Wisdom ran over and hugged Malon until the farmer girl turned blue herself.

"How's my favorite niece doing? I can't believe how much you've grown since the last time I saw you!" Nayru squealed as she continued to crush Malon.

"Aunt... Nayru... can't... breathe..."

"Oh, sorry. I just can't help myself! I'm having such a great day today!" she said as she let her niece go.

As soon as Malon got her breath back, she faced her aunt with a bright smile.

"What happened?"

"I got to slaughter Farore a few minutes ago!"

"..."

Taking advantage of this brief pause, Yuna stepped forward to continue asking her questions.

"So... you're Nayru, huh?"

Surprisingly, Nayru didn't seem a bit taken back by the fact that a cow was talking.

"No duh. And who might you be?"

"Yuna."

"Yuna? You mean like the main character from _Final_..."

"Yes, yes! We've been over this already! Anyways, I just want to know why you're not obliterating farmer girl right now."

"Why would I obliterate the only relative that I like? Honestly, she's the only one in the family who I can actually talk to without getting the urge to smite something."

"Oh. That explains a lot. I'm guessing it's the same for Farore as well?"

"Not really. She only accepted my existence after I helped her solve a really hard _Professor Layton_ puzzle when I was five. Until then, she acted like I didn't even exist," Malon replied.

"Wait. You know how to use a Nintendo DS but not a simple cellphone?"

Before Malon could answer, Nayru cut in.

"Ahem. I'm on a tight schedule right now so I'd really appreciate it if we could get to the important matters at hand."

"What important matters? Do you need info on that assassin who attacked me and Yuna?"

"No. Your mom's already off investigating that situation. By the way, she asked me to send you her greetings. And her love. And this Pokeflute to wake up your dad with."

"Er, thanks. So what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Something very important. So important, in fact, that I had to miss my favorite TV show to come down and ask you."

"What is it?" Malon asked apprehensively. Even Yuna seemed mildly curious about the issue as she moved in a bit closer.

"Alright. Here it is... What do you want for your birthday?"

"..."

"No, really. I couldn't figure out what you'd like for your birthday this year."

"Aunt Nayru, you do realize that my birthday is..."

"Three days from now? It seems you haven't been keeping track of time very well."

"Holy mom! Its already been a month since I left the ranch?"

"Apparently so. Don't worry though. You're dad's actually doing some work for once so the place is getting along fine."

"Phew! That's good to hear!"

"Glad you think so. Now then, why don't you answer my question regarding your birthday gift?"

"Oh...umm... I'm not really sure."

"Why not ask for a brain?" Yuna sarcastically suggested.

Malon ignored Yuna as she continued to think. After a full ten minutes, Malon gave a sigh of defeat.

"This is just too sudden. I can't think of anything right now."

Nayru seemed a bit disappointed to hear this but her expression suddenly brightened when a thought popped into her head.

"How about this. Why don't you come with me to watch the final match of the Nintendo Baseball Classic? I already bought a few tickets in advance so getting in shouldn't be a problem."

According to her joyful expression, Malon was fully agreeing to this proposition.

"Sure! Can I bring Yuna though? I don't want to leave her behind."

"Whatever you like. Quick question though. Do you even know what baseball is?"

"Of course! Aunt Farore gave me a book about it for my ninth birthday!"

"Good. Then I'll pick you up a few hours before the game starts. Just make sure you're not in the middle of something important when I arrive."

"Sure thing! By the way, is it okay if I bring over another friend?"

Nayru's face suddenly turned serious.

"If you're talking about Link, then absolutely not. There are some things that even the Goddesses can't interfere with, and Link's journey is one of them. Besides, I only bought three tickets."

"Oh..."

"Moo! Why do you want to bring that idiot with us anyways?"

"Because he's my friend."

"Are you sure that's the only reason why?" Yuna asked with a sly smile on her face.

"Shut it before I throw you to Death Mountain."

**xxx  
><strong>_Kakariko Village..._

Luckily for Bongo-Bongo, it was still rather early in the morning so he had no problem in sneaking over to the graveyard without the villagers noticing him. Once he reached the upper ledge leading into the temple, he caught sight of Dead Hand sweeping the area. The zombified monster immediately took notice of the Phantom Beast glaring at him and dropped all five of his brooms in surprise.

"Bongo-Bongo? What...?"

"I'll be the one asking questions around here! What have you been doing to my temple while I was sleeping?"

"You've been asleep for the last four years?"

"Just answer my question! I saw you boasting on the news about how you 'renovated' my temple!"

"Oh, you saw that? I thought they wouldn't air that till the evening news. By the way, did I look fat when they showed me on TV? I swear, the camera adds a few pounds to you."

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" Bongo-Bongo roared, causing everyone in Kakariko Village to wake up in surprise.

"Are you talking about the temple? Oh, you'll love what I did to it! Actually, why don't I just show you instead of telling you about it? I'll give you an in-depth tour of the whole place, free-of-charge!"

With that, Dead Hand headed off into the temple with an irate Bongo-Bongo following close behind.

"By the way, nice bathrobe Bongo-Bongo. Pink really suits you."

**xxx  
><strong>_Great Fairy's Fountain..._

"Bye Aunt Nayru!"

"See ya later, kiddo! By the way, I'll remind Farore to give you a birthday present as well. Just don't expect it anytime soon. The doctor said it'll be a while before she can move again."

"Umm... thanks... I guess..."

"No problem."

After Nayru warped out, Malon and Yuna turned around to find the Great Fairy playing something on a Nintendo DSi.

"Damn Elite Four. How the hell is a Bronzong this powerful? Ugh. Maybe Fire Blast will work... Damn it! It missed!"

Yuna gave a large 'moo' to get the Great Fairy's attention. She finally noticed that Nayru had left and turned off her game as she faced the two.

"Sorry about that. So, what can I help you with?"

"Can you tell us where Kokiri Forest is?" Malon asked.

"Kokiri Forest? Hang on. Let me get my... Aha! Found it!"

"Found what?"

"My laptop."

"Moo! What? You're just going to search online? Then couldn't the Great Fairy living in Zora's Domain have given us the location of the forest as well?"

"No. That place doesn't have any Wi-Fi. Now then, let's Google Kokiri Forest and... What? Ocarina of Time for the 3DS only got a 8.5 out of 10 on Gamespot? How the hell does that work out?"

"Can you please get back to looking for Kokiri Forest?"

"Oh, right. Let's see then... Ah! Here's a nice little map! Give me a second while I print it out for you two."

After waiting twenty minutes for the Great Fairy's outdated printer to load, Malon and Yuna finally got their hands on the map. As she took hold of the map, Malon suddenly held it above her as a set of texts appeared beneath her.

**You got a map to Kokiri Forest! Set it on C to view the directions to your destination!**

"Umm, that was weird," Malon commented as she regained control of herself.

"Indeed it was. By the way, do either of you know of an easy way to defeat a Bronzong?"

"Why don't you just use Leech Seed and wait till it faints?" Malon replied.

"Hmm. Good idea. I'll get my Torterra to use Leech Seed and switch out to my Shuckle to tank. You know, you're pretty smart for a farmgirl."

"Hehe. Well, thanks for giving us the directions to the forest."

"Don't mention it."

"C'mon Yuna. It looks like we'll finally get you to your new home!"

**xxx  
><strong>_Shadow Temple..._

"What in the...?" Bongo-Bongo gasped as he saw what the Shadow Temple had become.

"I've done quite a remarkable job fixing up this place, if I do say so myself," Dead Hand smugly replied, mistaking Bongo-Bongo's look of surprise to be one of awe.

Bongo-Bongo had to force himself not to strangle the smaller monster right then and there.

"This wasn't what I was planning to with this place!"

"Say what now?" Dead Hand asked, looking confused.

"You heard me! My plan was to turn this place into the biggest indoor amusement park in Hyrule!"

"Wha...?"

"And now you've ruined everything! It's going to take a fortune to rebuild all of this!"

"But... but..."

"If you're done blubbering like an idiot, I'm going off to check the extent of the damage you caused!"

Bongo-Bongo angrily floated off deeper into the temple, leaving a very confused Dead Hand behind. However, the Phantom Beast wasn't gone for five minutes before a loud roar was heard.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO THE MERRY-GO-ROUND?"

Dead Hand cautiously entered the room where the shout was heard. As he entered, he found Bongo-Bongo glaring at a giant spinning saw blade located in the center of the room. Dead Hand gave a sheepish laugh before replying.

"Oh, that. I thought you built a merry-go-round in here by accident so I tore it down and replaced it with... that... saw blade... please don't kill me..." he trailed off as Bongo-Bongo glared death at him.

Bongo-Bongo suppressed his rage and silently floated off into a different room. Of course, none of the locked doors posed themselves as a hindrance to the monster as he simply phased through the walls. Dead Hand followed behind, using his burrowing ability to go under any walls that Bongo-Bongo went through. After passing a few rooms without consequence, Dead Hand regained some of his courage and decided to continue questioning Bongo-Bongo.

"So... an indoor amusement park. I guess that would explain all those weird things I found while remodeling."

Bongo-Bongo merely grunted in response.

"By the way, aren't you supposed to be working for Ganondorf? If so, shouldn't you have been building a temple instead of an amusement park?"

"I sent him an e-mail telling him that I wanted to quit from the whole temple boss business. Apparently, he didn't get the message."

"Oh... Why'd you decide to build an amusement park in the first place?"

"After sending that letter, I came up with an idea to build the happiest place in Hyrule. And what's happier than an amusement park? With that, I worked for three years straight without resting to finish this place. Unfortunately, my lack of sleep finally caught up with me and I decided to take a quick nap."

"So that's why you've been asleep for four years. I thought you were either dead or on an extended vacation."

"I am dead. Why do you think they call me the Phantom Beast?"

As the two entered a large room with a ship in it, Bongo-Bongo let out sigh of relief.

"Phew! At least you didn't completely destroy the _Tunnel Of Love Boat Cruise_."

"The what?"

Bongo-Bongo ignored him as he got on board. Dead Hand quickly made it on as well before the ship began to slowly move along the underground river.

"What's this about a _Tunnel of Love Boat Cruise_?" Dead Hand asked.

"This was supposed to be a ride for all those young couples out there. Of course, when I was designing this thing the boat wasn't going to look like some creepy ship from _Pirates of the Caribbean._ Plus, the walls were supposed to be adorned with hearts and cupids, not cobwebs and... is that a Stalfos?"

As soon as he said this, two Stalfos dropped down onto the ship to attack the passengers. However, as the two skeletons got a clear view of what the two passengers looked like, they jumped off the boat in fear.

"Damn. Now I've got to find two replacement Stalfos," Dead Hand muttered as the two skeletons sank like rocks to the bottom of the river.

"What for? As soon as I'm done inspecting the damages, I'm going to restore this place to its former glory. I'm going to finish rebuilding this place even if... why is the boat shaking?"

"Oh, that means the ride's over."

"And what happens when the ride's over?"

"Two words: Abandon ship!"

**xxx  
><strong>_Somewhere in the Gerudo Desert..._

"I still can't believe how differently Nayru acts when she's talking to you," Yuna commented as she trudged through the sand.

"She might be a horrible sister but she's an awesome aunt," Malon simply replied.

"Whatever... Hmm. It seems the wind is picking up."

"Yeah. Let's hurry to the halfway point before we have to face a full sandstorm."

"Agreed."

After continuing on for a few minutes, Malon suddenly pulled out the map the Great Fairy had given her.

"Moo! What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to know where we had to go once we got out of Gerudo Valley," Malon said as she looked over the map.

Suddenly, a strong gust of wind snatched the map from Malon's hand.

"Get that map!" Yuna shouted as the two began running after the paper.

Unfortunately, the wind began to blow ever stronger until Yuna and Malon found themselves trapped in a full-blown sandstorm. They soon lost sight of their precious map as the sand obscured their vision.

"Dammit! Now what are we supposed to do?" Yuna yelled in frustration.

Malon had to yell in order to heard above the roaring wind.

"Looks like we'll just have to go back to the Great Fairy and ask for another one!"

"But the Gerudos warned us not to travel during a sandstorm! Shouldn't we just stay put until the storm dies down?"

"These sandstorms can last for weeks! I'm not going to sit idly for that long! Besides, if we do get lost, we just have to wait three days until Aunt Nayru comes to pick us up!"

"Fine! Let's hurry up and head for the Great Fairy then!"

With that, the two turned around and began to walk towards what was hopefully the Desert Colossus. After a while, Malon suddenly face-palmed.

"Moo! What is it?"

"I just realized that we could've asked the Great Fairy to warp us to Kokiri Forest instead of trying to walk there!"

"Fu..."

**xxx  
><strong>_Shadow Temple..._

"...ck!"

"What is it?" Dead Hand worriedly asked as he entered the room that Bongo-Bongo had just gone into.

"What happened to my indoor skydiving chamber?"

"Well, I saw all these fans lying around and thought that..."

"I was being rhetorical!"

With some effort, the two monsters got past all the fans that were trying to blow them back to the entrance of the room. What Bongo-Bongo found on the other side only served to increase his already high levels of stress.

"Where did all the game booths disappear to?"

"Those? I sold them to buy these invisible floors. Pretty nifty, huh?"

"NIFTY? Argh! My amusement park just got destroyed by a complete nincompoop!"

Bongo-Bongo stormed off through a nearby wall in an effort to ditch his zombified companion. Naturally, Dead Hand trailed after him albeit a safe distance away. When Dead Hand finally caught up with Bongo-Bongo, he found the Phantom Beast looking stunned as he stared at an empty room filled with a couple of Floormasters.

"My... hall of... mirrors... gone..." Bongo-Bongo whispered in shock.

"I remember this room! It took a while to replace all those mirrors with invisible walls. Man, it must've taken at least five months to complete this room!"

Hearing this, Bongo-Bongo finally cracked. He grabbed Dead Hand and began to mercilessly squeeze the zombie.

"Ack! Let... me... go!"

"Give me one good reason!"

"Link's... heading... here... to... try... and... kill... you... and... my... temple... might... save... your... life!"

"And why is he heading here to kill me in the first place?"

Dead Hand didn't seem to have enough air to reply so Bongo-Bongo relaxed his grip just a bit. After taking in a deep breath, Dead Hand answered.

"He thinks that you're the boss of the Shadow Temple. From what I heard, he's on a journey to destroy every temple boss he can find. Plus, one of his contact's a Sheikah so he'll probably hear about that incident with Impa."

"What incident with Impa?"

"The one where she had to seal off the well in order to prevent any monsters from getting out."

Bongo-Bongo tightened his grip on Dead Hand when he heard this.

"She did that because of your stupid brother! He was the one who terrorized Kakariko Village, not me!"

"I... don't think... Link... will... care!"

"And why not?"

"Can't... breathe..."

Once again, Bongo-Bongo loosened his grip to let Dead Hand talk.

"Well? Why wouldn't he care?"

"You know Hylians. They can't distinguish between good monsters and bad monsters for crap! Link will probably hunt you down thinking that you're the monster that Impa had to seal away."

"Is that so? Then I guess I only have one option left to me."

"What? Kill Link?"

"No. I'm going to meet him before he reaches the temple and try to reason with him. I'm sure he'll understand once I tell him the truth."

"Good luck with that. By the way, what are you going to do with me?"

Bongo-Bongo stared long and hard at Dead Hand before his eye curved into what could've been counted as a smile.

"Oh, I'm going to enjoy this."

Bongo-Bongo immediately flew off with Dead Hand in tow until he reached an empty room. There, he threw the mini-boss onto the floor like a pair of dirty socks. Chuckling ominously, Bongo-Bongo phased out of the room and locked the door. With that done, he quickly got some metal floor tiles and phased into the ground.

"Hey! What're you doing out there! Let me out!" Dead Hand shouted. Suddenly, he remembered that he could simply burrow his way out and tried to do so. Unfortunately, he soon found that Bongo-Bongo had created a metallic enclosure underground to prevent him from doing just that. After a few minutes of trying to break the metal barrier, Dead Hand popped back up into the room in defeat.

"Great. Now I can't watch _Dr. Who _today. This just sucks."

However, missing his favorite TV show soon turned out to be the least of Dead Hand's problems. A short while later, the sound of music could be heard from outside Dead Hand's prison.

"What the...? What's that sound?"

"_Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday..."_

"NOOOOO!"

**xxx  
><strong>_Somewhere in the Gerudo Desert..._

"Face it! We're lost!" Yuna yelled.

"No we're not! I'm sure we're just a few miles from the Desert Colossus!"

"That's what you said ten minutes ago! Let's just stay put till..."

"Hey, look! There's something up ahead! I told you we weren't lost!"

However, they soon realized that the structure that Malon had spotted wasn't the Desert Colossus. It turned out to be a strange-looking ruin shaped like a coliseum.

"Moo! What is it?"

"Don't know. But let's head in there to escape the sandstorm!"

"How? There doesn't seem to be an entrance!"

Before Yuna could process what was happening, Malon lifted the cow onto her shoulder and proceeded to jump towards the the coliseum. As Yuna mooed in terror, the two flew through the air before safely landing in the interior of the huge structure.

"Don't ever do that again!" Yuna shouted out once her shock had worn off.

"Sorry. I just thought that jumping in would be the easiest way to enter."

"Ugh. Whatever. Where are we anyways?"

The two took in their surroundings and found that the area was almost entirely bare. The only two noticeable objects were a huge black stone sticking out of the ground and a raised platform. Having nothing better to do, Malon and Yuna walked over to investigate. Much to their surprise, they saw that a large mirror was situated on top of the platform.

"Hmm. I wonder what this is?" Malon mused as she observed the large mirror with interest.

"Do I look like an archaeologist to you?"

"Not really... Whoa, check it out! This mirror makes you look all funny! It's like one of those fun house mirrors!"

"Move over so I can see!" Yuna shouted as she headed over to the front of the mirror as well. Neither of them had noticed that they were now situated between the mirror and the black stone.

"Moo! Do I really look that fat?"

"..."

"Maybe I'll look better if I tweak the mirror a bit..."

As soon as Yuna touched the mirror with her hoof, strange, white runes began to form on its surface.

"What the...? Hey, isn't that the Triforce symbol in the center?"

Before either of them could react, the runes floated away from the mirror and etched itself onto the black stone behind Malon and Yuna. Suddenly, the stone became tattooed with similar symbols until the entire slab was covered with the strange runes. In the center of it all were a series of large white rings that looked like a portal leading off into the dark abyss.

"Moo! What is this?"

"How should I..."

Malon never got to finish as she suddenly felt herself being sucked in towards the stone slab. Acting quickly, she grabbed onto Yuna and the mirror to anchor herself. Unfortunately, her fingers couldn't get a good grip on the mirror's smooth surface and she soon found herself flying through the air with Yuna as they were pulled in towards the center of the glowing white rings.

"Moo! I don't know how, but this is all your fault!"

With that, the two turned into shadowy fragments before disappearing into the portal. Almost as if nothing had happened, the glowing symbols on the rock slowly faded as silence surrounded the Mirror Chamber once more.


	12. Twilight Realm Science Pt 1

For those of you who are wondering, I'm writing this story on the basis of the split-timeline theory.

If you don't know about the split-timeline theory I'll try to summarize it for you:

The timeline that this story's taking place in right now will eventually lead to Wind Waker, Phantom Hourglass, and Spirit Tracks. However, Majora's Mask and Twilight Princess will only happen in the timeline where Link is sent back into the past and is a kid again. Simply put, there are two alternate realities that are created thanks to Zelda sending Link back in time at the end of OoT. Because of this alternate timeline, the events of Twilight Princess will never happen in the reality that Malon is in right now. Thanks to that, it's possible that Midna and Zant are actualy alive during this time period. _(Check out the LoZ split-timeline theory on Youtube for a better explanation.)_

Simply put: I'm putting Midna and Zant into this chapter. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<br>****Ch 12: Twilight Realm Science Pt. 1**

"Yuna, I don't think we're in Hyrule anymore."

"Moo! What was your first clue? The dark atmosphere? The continuous rain of shadowy fragments? Or maybe it was the fact that a group of hideous monsters are headed our way?"

Malon and Yuna found themselves staring out at a strange world. Instead of being illuminated by a bright sun, the place was shrouded in a dim light that reminded the two of a sunset. All around them, shadowy fragments poured down from the sky like endless rain. Most surprising, however, was the fact that the giant landmass serving as the only visible ground in the whole place seemed to be magically floating over a bottomless black void.

Before the two could observe their surroundings a bit more, the group of "monsters" mentioned earlier by Yuna approached them. Now that they were closer, Malon could tell that the creatures were humanoid in shape. However, it was blatantly obvious that these creatures weren't Hylians. For one, their skin tone was a fusion between black, white, blue, and green. All of them had stretched, elongated appearances, with long limbs, necks, and heads. Most noticeable, however, were their faces. Every single one of them had large red eyes with no pupils along with two slits serving as nostrils instead of a nose. All in all, they were a bunch of very oddly-shaped creatures indeed.

"What are they?" Malon asked nervously as the creatures began to surround them.

"From their appearances, I'd have to say they were either aliens or relatives of Voldemort."

All of a sudden, one of the creatures stepped forward and began to speak. At least, that's what it looked like. All Malon managed to catch was a soft moaning noise.

"Umm... sorry. I don't speak... whatever it is you're speaking," she replied in confusion.

The strange being pointed at the two and began making the moaning noises again. While Malon stood by looking more and more confused, Yuna pushed her way forward.

"I think I understand what they're saying! Leave this to me!"

Yuna boldly walked forward and began making strange, guttural sounds from the back of her throat. Suddenly, all the creatures surrounding them gave a large gasp and took a step back. Encouraged by this, Yuna continued to make sounds reminiscent of a cat hacking up a hairball. By the time she finished, all the creatures were staring at the cow with looks of shock. Done with her work, Yuna turned to face Malon with a triumphant look on her face.

"Simple as pie."

The next thing they knew, Malon and Yuna were stuck in a large prison cell.

"MOO! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?"

"Er... I think those creatures warped us in here."

"What? Why? I only asked them to show us a way out of this creepy world of theirs!"

"Are you sure about that? From the sound of things, I thought you were telling them to shove a Cucco down a Goron's throat."

"I said nothing of the sort!"

"Then why did they stick us in their dungeon?"

"How should I know? Stupid mutant freaks! How dare they put me in a dirty prison cell like this! If I get my hooves on them, I'm going to trample them till their faces look like mashed potatoes! In fact, I'm going to trample them so hard that they'll need to..."

Yuna's rant was cut off by the sound of a mysterious voice coming from the corner of the previously thought empty cell.

"Oh goody! I finally have someone else to talk to besides Mr. Helmet!"

Malon and Yuna quickly turned around and looked for the source of the voice.

"Who's there?"

In answer to Malon's question, the zaniest character from the entire _Legend of Zelda_ universe sprang forward from out of the corner.

"Hi there! I'm Zant, the true ruler of the Twilight Realm! Who're you?"

**xxx  
><strong>_Underneath Kakariko Village's well..._

Bongo-Bongo slumped down onto the sofa in pure exhaustion. He had just spent the whole day ordering equipments and materials needed to rebuild his amusement park. After getting into an hour-long argument with a duct-tape salesman, the Phantom Beast decided it was time to call it a day.

With his main body still slumped on the sofa, his hands flew off to grab the TV remote and a can of beer. They both returned shortly and Bongo-Bongo turned on the fifty-inch LCD TV in front of him.

"... as Hylian fans continue to wait expectantly for the upcoming game. In other news, the apocalyptic threat in Termina has been identified to be another gigantic moon..."

Bongo-Bongo paid little attention to the reporter as he opened his can of beer. As he began drinking his beverage, the reporter suddenly stopped his current monologue with a surprised look on his face.

"This just in! A large portion of Lake Hylia, along with the Water Temple, has just been destroyed!"

The Phantom Beast spat out the beer in surprise when he heard this.

"We now go to Clark who is currently on site! Clark, what does the situation look like?"

The screen shifted to show a thin, nerdy man in glasses standing in the middle of what seemed to be an enormous smoking crater.

"It's... it's hard to describe, Rick! It looks like the lake was hit by a nuclear blast! There's hardly anything remaining... Wait! There's someone over there!"

The reporter was seen running up to a teenage boy wearing a blue tunic and hat.

"Excuse me sir! Did you happen to see what caused this destruction?"

"It's not my fault! How the hell was I supposed to know that the Triforce of Courage had a self-destruct function?"

"Er..."

Suddenly, a blue fairy appeared from out of the boy's hat.

"Link! Get out of here before you draw anymore attention to yourself!"

Heeding the fairy's advice, the boy known as Link hightailed it out of there. The reporter called Clark was left standing with a dumbfounded look as the cameraman got a shot of Link plowing through the gates separating the lake from the field.

"We'll... uh... get back to you..." Clark managed to mutter before motioning for the cameraman to stop filming.

Meanwhile, Bongo-Bongo continued to look on in shock at the TV screen. Dead Hand's words began to echo in his head as the memory of their conversation resurfaced.

"_Link's... heading... here... to... try... and... kill... you..."_

Suddenly, keeping the Shadow Temple the way it currently looked didn't seem like such a bad idea after all.

**xxx  
><strong>_Twilight Realm..._

"So, let me get this straight. You guys are called the Twili and you're trapped here because of something your ancestors did a thousand years ago."

"Pretty much," Zant replied.

"And you're the rightful ruler of this place who was forcibly removed from power."

"Mr. Helmet says yes."

"Mr. Helmet?"

"Oh, I didn't introduce him to you yet? Here, let me call him out for you two. Mr. Helmet!"

Malon and Yuna looked over Zant's shoulder to see who this mysterious Mr. Helmet was. However, no one appeared in response to Zant's summon.

"Umm... where's...?"

"Hi there! I'm Mr. Helmet!"

Our two heroes turned to find Zant wearing a strange-looking helmet shaped like a grotesque face with its tongue sticking out.

"..."

"Moo! Can you just tell us how to get out of this dump?"

Zant put away his helmet and looked at Yuna curiously. Thanks to his pupil-less orange eyes, his stare was very unnerving, even for the world's most sarcastic cow.

"Well, I would like to help you two out..."

"Yes! Finally!"

"...but my source of power, the Fused Shadow, was stolen from me when I was usurped."

"Goddamn it!"

"On the other hand, if you can help me get the Fused Shadow back, I might be able to warp the both of you back to your own world."

"That seems like a fair deal. So what does this Fused Shadow look like?" Malon inquired.

"Well, the closest thing that I can compare it to is a strange suit of armor. Its about the size of your average imp and has a shadowy aura around it."

"And where is it now?"

Zant's face suddenly darkened as he answered.

"I'm guessing that it's in _her_ room."

"Who's _her_?"

"The Usurper Queen: Midna. She's the one who overthrew me and sent me to this dump."

"And you're positive she has them?"

"Mr. Helmet says that it's more than likely."

"Alright then. We'll help you and... Mr. Helmet... get the Fused Shadow thingy back. In exchange, you have to promise to send us back to our world."

"Agreed. But..."

"But what?"

"You do realize that we're still stuck in a prison cell, right?"

"Oh, that? Leave it to me."

With a simple flick of her fingers, Malon blew the cell door off of its hinges. Zant stared open-mouthed at the destroyed door as Malon and Yuna made their way out.

"Well? Are you going to lead us to the Fused Shadow or not?"

Still in shock, Zant followed the two out. As they made their way out of the dungeon, Zant continued to stare at Malon as if she was a three-headed platypus. Eventually, he decided to ask her about her incredible feat.

"How did you...?"

Before he could finish, Yuna turned around and shook her head.

"Don't question it. You'll just end up with more questions than answers. Besides, you get used to it after a while."

The party managed to get out of the dungeon without incident. Once outside, they could see that they were at the far edge of the landmass housing the Twilight Realm. Zant wasted no time in looking for his intended destination. As soon as he spotted it, he motioned for Malon and Yuna to follow him.

"Where are we headed?"

"See that gigantic building in the center? That's the Twilight Palace. Mr. Helmet says we'll find the Fused Shadow in the throne room."

However, this was easier said than done. Once the group got in close, they could see that a mass of Twili soldiers were guarding the main entrance.

"Moo! Now what do we do? Even if farmer girl goes in to attack the guards, they'll just use their magic powers to warp us back in prison again!"

Zant seemed to consider what to do for a few minutes before he began to move off in the opposite direction. Malon and Yuna exchanged quizzical looks before following him.

"Where are we going?"

"To a secret entrance. Mr. Helmet knows one that'll lead us straight into the throne room."

"And how do we get to this secret entrance?"

Zant gave a large gulp before answering.

"We need to pass through... the Twilight Realm Science building."

**xxx  
><strong>_Deep in the Lost Woods..._

Din glanced at her watch as she waited impatiently for her associate to arrive. According to the clock, he was already five minutes late. With an annoyed grunt, she sat down on a nearby stump and summoned a book to read. Just as she was about to open the book, a small chuckle sounded behind her.

"Sorry about the delay. Baseball practice ran a bit late."

Din quickly got up and turned around. Standing behind her was a thin, smiling man carrying an enormous backpack on his back. He had his hands clasped together and was rocking back and forth continuously. As you might have guessed by now, the strange man was none other than the infamous Happy Mask Salesman himself.

"How dare you keep me waiting!" Din raged as she approached her associate. "I'm in the middle of a serious investigation and you're off playing... did you say baseball?"

"Yes, I did. I'm first baseman for the Hylian Dodgers."

"Really? I never knew that..."

"Well now you know. So, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Oh, right. Ahem. It's about my daughter, Malon. She was recently attacked by a suspicious character while crossing the Gerudo Desert."

"Interesting..."

"What? Do you know something about this?"

"No. I was just wondering if I should call you Mrs. LonLon from now on."

The Happy Mask Salesman had to dodge Din's fists as she took a few swings at him.

"Whoa! No need to get violent!"

"Get serious! I just found out that the person who attacked my daughter was also responsible for the death of Fox McCloud and Kirby!"

The Happy Mask Salesman's trademark smile suddenly faded away and was replaced by a frown.

"Fox and Kirby? Wha...?"

"That's not all. I found this when I went to check on the assassin's body."

"Body?"

"Malon," Din simply stated as she handed the HMS a severely damaged notepad the size of a postcard.

"What am I looking at?" he questioned as he skimmed through the pages.

"Apparently, the assassin's agenda. Guess who was next on his list of targets?"

"Let's see. _Target number three: Link and Zelda_... Hyrule? How did he know about Link's past? I thought Farore erased everyone's memories regarding Link?"

"That's what I thought as well. Anyway, it gets even stranger. Read page 35."

"Alright. _Secret Mission: Locate and deliver MM to leader..._ MM? Are they talking about...?"

"I'm afraid so."

"This is bad. If they know about the artifact, the entire universe could be at risk! What're we going to do?"

"For now, I'm going to see if I can find anymore leads. As for you, I want you to go and keep an eye on Malon."

"What? Shouldn't we focus on safeguarding the MM? I mean, I know you care for your daughter and all but..."

Din cut him off with an annoyed sigh.

"And I thought you were supposed to be the well informed one. If you're so reluctant to follow my orders, maybe I should give you a better initiative for protecting my daughter."

"And what would that be?"

"Malon has the MM."

**xxx  
><strong>_Somewhere in the Twilight Realm Science Building..._

"How long does this hallway go?" Malon asked.

"Mr. Helmet says we need to keep going for at least another mile or so."

"Ugh. Why do we always have to deal with the crazies?" Yuna muttered.

The three were currently walking along a seemingly endless hallway. The walls around them were all stark white as if they were in some kind of futuristic spaceship. Considering the dark atmosphere of the Twilight Realm, the brightly lit science facility seemed extremely out of place.

After continuing on for a few minutes, Malon decided to start up a conversation.

"Hey, Zant... or Mr. Helmet... are the Twili generally afraid of foreigners?"

"Not really. If we find someone we haven't met before, we usually throw a banquet in honor of the guest. Of course, seeing as how we're trapped in the Twilight Realm, we hardly ever have any guests. The only exception would be the postman. We hold a celebration every time he comes to deliver the mail once every ten years."

"Umm... okay... What I don't understand is why those Twili guards threw me and Yuna into prison before we could even properly introduce ourselves. Then again, Yuna did make some weird noises at them. Maybe she insulted them without knowing it."

"I keep telling you, I only asked them for the way out!"

"Why don't we ask Zant? I'm sure he can tell us what you were really saying."

"Fine!"

Yuna turned to face Zant and began making the choking Goron noises again. By the time she finished, he was staring at her with a look of shock and anger. Before Malon could ask what Yuna had just said, Zant went nuts on them.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A BLAHSHRUT!"

"A what?"

Zant suddenly put on his helmet again before calmly answering.

"A Blahshrut. It's a racist term used to describe Twili that have an aquamarine skin tone."

"Aquamarine? Isn't that pretty much the same thing as blue-green?" Malon asked.

Zant put away his helmet and began screaming at the two again.

"NO, IT'S NOT! HOW CAN ANYONE NOT NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AQUAMARINE AND BLUE-GREEN?"

"Moo! I don't see what you're so worked up about! So what if you're skin tone's aquamarine?"

"HAVING AN AQUAMARINE SKIN TONE IS THE MOST DISGRACEFUL THING A TWILI COULD HAVE! "

"Strangely enough, I'm starting to miss Mr. Helmet," Yuna whispered to Malon as Zant continued his rant.

Luckily, the angry Twili's shouting was stopped short as the three of them entered a large, open room. The interior of the room was decorated in an identical fashion the hallway had been. Despite the fact that the chamber was nearly as big as a football field, there was nothing in it except for a large, rectangular block located on the opposite end of the room. As soon as Malon, Yuna, and Zant had fully entered, a hidden door sealed off the path in which they had just come in through. With their only exit now blocked, Malon tried to walk towards the other end of the room but found her way obstructed by an invisible force field.

"Okay... We can't go back and we apparently can't go any further. What are we supposed to do?"

In answer to Malon's question, the rectangular block on the opposite side of the room began to rise until it reached her eye level. Before anyone could comment on the strange occurrence, a smaller block materialized in the center of the room. The small cube rose up until it hovered at the same height as it's rectangular counterpart. Then, without warning, the cube sailed straight towards the three. Malon and Yuna immediately jumped away from the flying projectile while Zant stared blankly ahead.

"Hey, why are you two..."

Before he could finish, the block hit him squarely on the forehead. Surprisingly, the block ricocheted off of Zant and flew off towards the other end of the room. The rectangular block from earlier responded by sliding sideways until it managed to bounce the smaller block back towards Malon's little group. After seeing this, Malon finally realized what was going on.

"Holy Aunt Nayru! I know what's happening! We're in the middle of a giant game of _Pong_!"

"_Pong_? As in the retro arcade game?" Yuna asked, bewildered.

Before Malon could answer, the cube sailed past the halfway point and continued towards them at blinding speed. Acting quickly, Malon grabbed Zant and flipped him over until she was holding him horizontally in front of her.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" the Twili asked in surprise.

"Sorry, but I'm in dire need of a _Pong_ block."

"A wha...?"

Zant was cut off as Malon rushed in to deflect the incoming cube. This time, the cube hit Zant in a rather sensitive spot. All that came out of his mouth was a very high-pitched squeak. Meanwhile, the cube sailed back towards the other end of the room, traveling faster than ever before.

As Yuna watched, Malon and the opposing _Pong_ block duked it out in what could've possibly been counted as the most epic _Pong_ battle in history. Neither side gave an inch as they bounced back the cube with relentless fury. Soon, the cube was practically invisible as it shot across the room at near light-speed. Knowing that it was pointless to drag the match on any longer, Malon focused all her energy into her next shot. With a loud yell, she swung Zant like a baseball bat. The opposing block slid around nervously as it prepared for the incoming projectile. This time, however, the cube proved to be too fast for the giant _Pong_ block as the small square flew past it and slammed into the wall behind it. A large fanfare played as the cube and the _Pong_ block suddenly disappeared. As Malon and Yuna watched, a door slid open on the opposite end of the room. After a few tentative steps, Malon found that the invisible force field from before was no longer blocking their path.

"Moo! Looks like we can finally get out of here."

"Yep. Let's just hope we don't have to do that again. I don't think Zant will last another match."

"How is he anyways? Hey, Zant! You feeling alright?"

"Who's a Zant? I'm a helicopter!" the very concussed Twili answered as Malon put him down. As soon as his feet touched the floor, he immediately began to spin around with his arms wide open.

"He'll be fine. Let's keep going."

"Yo! Helicopter man! We need to get a move on!"

"Yes, Ms. Cow. Twili Copter away!"

Malon and Yuna both face-palmed as Zant followed them with his helicopter motions. Luckily, the door opened up to a single hallway so they didn't need to wait for Zant to lead the way. After a few minutes of walking though, the three reached yet another strange room.

"Are we standing on... girders?" Malon asked in confusion.

"Seems like it. Hey! There's a ladder ahead of us! Maybe we've reached the throne room already!"

"I don't think so. I get the feeling we're still... Watch out!"

Malon suddenly grabbed Yuna and jumped over an oncoming barrel. Unfortunately for Zant, he was still too dazed to fully recognize the danger.

"Ooh! It's a barrel! Want to be my friend Mr. Barrel?"

All he got in response was a large whack to the head.

"What the hell was that?" Yuna asked once Malon had put her back down.

"From the looks of it, I'd say we were nearly run over by a large, wooden barrel."

"I know that already! I was just questioning why a barrel came rolling towards us!"

"How should I... Crap! Here comes another one!"

Malon lifted Yuna again as she jumped over the barrel. A few seconds later, Malon and Yuna heard a loud thud behind them confirming that Zant was hit yet again by the wooden menace.

"Moo! Don't put me down! Just keep moving!"

"Where to?"

"Use the ladders, you dimwit!"

Deciding to heed Yuna's advice, Malon climbed the ladder and made it up to yet another girder. However, it was soon clear that they were not safe yet. Two barrels immediately came rolling towards them forcing Malon to jump once again.

"Hmm. I'm pretty sure I've seen this somewhere before," Malon mused as she continued to advance through the strange obstacle course.

"Less talk, more jumping!"

Eventually, the two made it up to the highest girder in the room. Waiting for them there was the strangest thing the two of them had ever seen.

"A robot gorilla? That's the thing that was throwing all those barrels at us?" Malon asked once she caught sight of the mechanical primate.

"Who cares? Just destroy it so that we can get out of here already!"

After one Malon Punch, all that remained of the robot menace was a few pieces of scrap metal. As Malon dusted off her hands, a portion of the wall that was behind the gorilla slid open to reveal yet another hallway.

"Ugh. How much farther do we have to go?"

"Mr. Helmet says that we're getting closer."

Much to Malon and Yuna's surprise, Zant was standing right behind them.

"How did you follow us up here with all those barrels crashing into you?"

"Easy. I just grabbed one of the hammers hanging on the wall and used them to clear my path. By the way, I still haven't forgotten what you did to me in the last room. Just for that, I'm not going to talk to you two anymore."

"Can we still talk to Mr. Helmet?"

Zant put on his helmet before answering.

"Mr. Helmet says yes."

With that, the trio set off once more.

The rest of their journey went pretty much in the same fashion. After making their way through a Poe filled maze, fighting an angry centipede, engaging a group of programs in a Light Cycle battle, and following a rather nasty encounter with a disgruntled L-block, the group made their way into a large stadium.

"Please... tell me... this is the last room," Yuna asked while trying to catch her breath.

"Mr. Helmet... says... yes."

Once all of them had fully recovered, they took a closer look at their surroundings. At a glance, the room looked nearly identical to the _Pong_ room. The only difference was the large rectangle drawn on the floor. Standing on one end of the rectangle was an enormous Darknut at least twice the size of its original counterpart. At the moment, though, the Darknut seemed to be inactive.

"Leave this to me," Malon casually stated as she stepped forward to engage the Darknut. However, she found her path blocked by yet another invisible force field once she reached the edge of the rectangle.

"Okay... Now what?"

"Moo! Maybe you need to beat this Darknut in a tennis match. That would explain the large rectangle drawn on the floor."

"If that's true, where are the racquets?"

"Why don't you just use Zant again? After all, he did make a great _Pong_ block."

Zant immediately went into panic mode once he heard this.

"No! If you want to use me as a tennis racquet, you're going to have to catch me first!"

With that, he ran off towards the opposite end of the room, forgetting all about the invisible force field blocking the way. Much to everyone's surprise, however, Zant managed to run straight through the barrier without any incident.

"Whoa. How did you do that?" Malon asked.

Zant, who was now within the rectangle, just gave a shrug.

Suddenly, the giant Darknut sprang to life. Before anyone could react, the Darknut held out his hand and summoned... a Pokeball.

"You got to be kidding me," Malon said with a face-palm once she figured out what was going on. As she did so, the retro Red and Blue Version battle music started playing as the room darkened.

"What in the...?"

Zant's question was abruptly interrupted by a series of large texts that appeared above them.

**Trainer Darknut was challenged by Farm Girl Malon!**

**Farm Girl Malon sent out Zant!**

"WHAT? I'M THE POKEMON?"

**Trainer Darknut sent out Iron Knuckle!**

True to the mysterious text's words, the Darknut threw his Pokeball and called out a large Iron Knuckle.

"Help me!" Zant screamed as the menacing suit of armor began approaching him.

**Iron Knuckle used Mega Punch!**

Needless to say, Zant was smacked straight through the ground as the fist connected.

"Moo! As much as I enjoy watching that lunatic get beaten up, I'm pretty sure we need to win this battle to get to the throne room," Yuna lazily commented as the Iron Knuckle reached down to pull out Zant from the hole he had made.

"What do you want me to do?" Malon retorted. "I don't what attacks he has!"

"Just call out something before he's ripped to pieces!"

"Okay! Zant! I want you to use Iron Defense!"

**Zant used Defense Curl!**

Zant immediately assumed the fetal position and began rocking back and forth before the Iron Knuckle grabbed him.

"That's not what I said!" Malon shouted out in frustration.

**Iron Knuckle used Metal Claw!**

"That's going to leave a mark," Yuna said as the Iron Knuckle shredded Zant with its metal gauntlets. Meanwhile, Malon was desperately calling out every _Pokemon_ move she could think of in an effort to save Zant and win the battle. Eventually, she called out an attack that Zant could actually perform.

**Zant used Tackle!**

**It's Not Very Effective...**

As Zant tried to recover from the concussion he had just received, the Iron Knuckle summoned a large ax to its hand.

**Iron Knuckle used Slash!**

**Critical Hit!**

"I don't think he's going to last much longer!" Yuna exclaimed.

"I know that! Zant, use Mega Punch! Mega Kick! Hyper Beam! Focus Energy! Karate Chop! Umm... Splash?"

**Zant used Splash!**

**Nothing Happened...**

"Oh, for crying out loud! Of all the attacks you could have, you have Splash? What kind of lame _Pokemon_ are you?"

**Iron Knuckle used Mega Punch!**

"I'd say a very flat one," Yuna replied as Zant was punched into the ground once more. "Actually, I'm surprised his organs are actually still inside him. I thought he'd be turned inside-out by now."

"Charming. Now then, why don't you give me a few attacks I could..."

**Zant used Charm!**

"Say what?"

Zant immediately summoned a metal pole to his hand and slammed it into the ground. Before Malon or Yuna could question where he had gotten his sudden strength from, Zant ripped off his clothes and... began pole dancing. The fact that Zant was naked wasn't the disturbing part (seeing as how most of the Twili were naked to begin with anyways). No, it was the pole dancing itself that caused Malon and Yuna to both hurl. Seeing as how this story's probably going to be rated M if I describe what Zant was doing, I'll skip ahead to the Iron Knuckle's reaction.

**Iron Knuckle used Explosion!**

Luckily, the nuclear blast the Iron Knuckle created put an end to Zant's unholy act.

**Iron Knuckle fainted!**

**Zant gained 5860 Exp. Points!**

**Zant grew to Level 56!**

With that, the battle finally ended and the Darknut deactivated. As it did so, a section of the wall behind the Darknut slid open. While Malon and Yuna tried to clear their mind of the unspeakable horror they just had to witness, Zant magically zapped his clothes back on.

"Whew! Glad that's over with. I thought I was going to die back there!"

"Never... do that... again," was all Yuna managed to say.

The good news was that their journey seemed to be finally over. After making their way through a large air vent, the three of them found themselves in the throne room.

"Finally! Now all we have to do is find that Fused Shadow and we can get out of here!" Malon exclaimed.

All three of them immediately set out to locate the artifact in question. However, their search was soon interrupted by an unforeseen complication.

"Who the hell are you? And what are you doing in my throne room?" shouted a sharp female voice.

Malon and Yuna quickly turned around to find an angry, female Twili glaring at them from the entrance. With one glance, Malon deduced that the Twili in front of her was the Midna person that Zant had spoken of earlier. From the looks of things, she had apparently just entered the room and found her throne room filled with unexpected guests. Deciding that there was no point in lying, Malon decided to take the aggressive approach.

"We're here to help Zant reclaim the kingdom that you stole from him!" the farm girl retorted as she tightened her fists.

Before Midna could respond, Zant suddenly popped up with a strange-looking object in his hand.

"Found it!"

Malon and Yuna let out a cheer while Midna could only stare at Zant in shock.

"Wha...? Who let that lunatic out?"

Hearing this, Zant finally took notice of Midna. He gave a malicious grin as he looked down upon his rival.

"Oh. Hello there, Midna. It's been a while."

"Zant. I knew I should've executed you when I had the chance. Just what are you planning to do with the Fused Shadow?"

"You of all people should know that. I'm going to retake my rightful place as the Twilight King!"

"You know that title was never yours to begin with! Besides, no one in their right mind is going to abide by the rule of a complete psychopath!"

"I'm sure the people would rather have me as their leader rather than an imp."

"What are you..."

Before she could finish, Zant blasted her with a bolt of dark energy derived from the Fused Shadow he was holding. Once the smoke had cleared, Midna was now an imp. As she looked at her new body in horror, Zant began laughing like the lunatic he was. Malon stared in confusion at what was happening before interrupting Zant and his insane fits of laughter.

"Umm... Zant? I think it's time Yuna and I left. Can you send us back to our world now?"

The Twili in question paused just long enough to answer Malon's question with an evil smile.

"I don't think so."

"What? But we had a deal!"

"I lied. And so did Mr. Helmet."

"Why you...!"

Before Malon could take a single step forward, Zant used the power of the Fused Shadow to make the floor beneath the three heroes disappear. Malon, Yuna, and Midna all fell screaming into the dark abyss as Zant's psychotic laughter echoed above them.


	13. Twilight Realm Science Pt 2

Wow. Posting this chapter took quite a bit longer than I expected. Well, better late than never, I suppose.

Anyways, I was going to end the Twilight Realm saga with this chapter but it ended up becoming way too long. As a result, I split this chapter in two so that I wouldn't overwhelm all of you with a 50 page chapter. The good thing about this though is that I can now add in a lot of the ideas that I had to ommit due to the length. Hope you all enjoy the extra randomness in the chapter!

* * *

><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<br>****Ch 13: Twilight Realm Science Pt. 2**

"Oh. Hi. So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M AN IMP!"

Midna glared death at Malon and Yuna as the three of them continued to fall through the bottomless black void of the Twilight Realm. After a few minutes of falling, everyone became rather bored with screaming and decided to do something else to entertain themselves. Midna was currently complaining about her new body while Malon was trying to process everything that had just happened.

"So let me get this straight. You're the actual ruler of the Twilight Realm?"

"Wow. The idiot finally managed to figure out the obvious," the angry imp replied.

"Oh crap. Does that mean Yuna and I...?"

"Aided a crazy lunatic in taking over the world? Yes, you did."

An awkward silence formed between the three of them as they continued their descent. Before anyone could start up a new conversation, Midna suddenly clapped slowly three times.

"Oh good. I still have the ability to clap slowly in this body. So we have that."

"Okay... That was random."

Midna ignored Malon's interruption and continued speaking.

"Since it looks like we're going... Well, we aren't going anywhere. We're just falling alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts. Zant's not just a regular lunatic. He's the product of our world's greatest geneticists working together with the express purpose of creating the craziest lunatic who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire Twilight Realm."

"Hold on a second. Are you saying that Zant is the result of some twisted science experiment?"

Malon was once again ignored as Midna slowly clapped twice.

"Good, that's still working. Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those hideous boots of yours and shove me into it? Just remember to land on one foot."

"..."

"Ugh. Why is everyone I meet a weirdo?" Yuna groaned as the three heroes continued their fall into the dark abyss.

**xxx  
><strong>_Underneath Kakariko Village's well..._

Bongo-Bongo was sleeping peacefully when he was suddenly awakened by the sound of his phone ringing. Still half-asleep, he slowly got out of bed and answered the call.

"Who's calling?" he answered groggily.

"Hey, Bongo-Bongo! Is your refrigerator running?"

"Wha...? Is that you Odolwa?"

"Umm... no..."

"It is you! I thought I told you stop prank calling me!"

All he got in response was the sound of Odolwa hanging up the phone. Bongo-Bongo quickly made a mental note to kill the Masked Jungle Warrior the next time he met him.

Now fully awake, the Phantom Beast decided to go downstairs and grab a quick breakfast. However, he had barely exited his bedroom when an enormous explosion sounded from above ground. Curious about what had just happened he quickly flew up to see what was going on. What he saw left him completely stunned.

At first glance, it seemed like the entire village was on fire. People were running around in a wild panic as they fled from their burning homes. The various animals the villagers kept were also running around in a frenzy as they escaped from their burning stables. Bongo-Bongo stared out at this chaotic scene with his eye wide open. Suddenly, he remembered something that brought him back down to reality.

"The orphanage! What happened to the orphanage?"

Unfortunately, Bongo-Bongo couldn't locate the orphanage due to all the smoke and chaos so he decided to ask somebody to help him. Luckily for him, he spotted a young man dressed in blue and white standing right next to the well.

"You! Can you help me find the orphanage? Hurry up and answer me!"

In his fervor to save the children, Bongo-Bongo forgot the fact that he was currently invisible to the average Hylian eye. As a result, the person only looked around in confusion for the source of the disembodied voice.

"Huh? Who's there?" the young man asked in a strangely feminine voice.

Bongo-Bongo, forgetting about the whole invisibility thing, assumed that the person was joking around with him. In his frustration, Bongo-Bongo grabbed the person by the shoulders and began shaking the poor Hylian around like a rag-doll as he continued questioning him.

"This isn't the time for games! Don't you care what happens to those poor children? Where is the goddamn orphanage?"

"SOMEBODY... HELP... ME!" the young man screamed as Bongo-Bongo continued to shake him like a maraca.

Suddenly, a familiar tunic-wearing idiot stepped forward from out of the burning village.

"Don't worry Sheik! I'll save you!" Link called out as he drew his sword.

Bongo-Bongo finally realized that he had company and turned to face him.

"Link! What are you doing here? Look, I don't have time to deal with you right now! The children could be in danger!"

Of course, Link couldn't see Bongo-Bongo either and merely looked around in confusion.

"Umm... Navi? Did you just say something about the children being in danger or something like that?"

"Don't tell me you're hearing things now! You already have enough mental issues to fill an entire psychology book!" Navi answered.

With a frustrated sigh, Bongo-Bongo let Sheik go and flew off to search for the orphanage by himself. As he flew up to a high hill overlooking the village, he finally managed to locate the building that he had been searching for. However, the orphanage was totally surrounded by flames making any approach towards it impossible.

"Damn it! How am I going to put out the fire?"

As fate would have it, Bongo-Bongo's eye fell upon Link. Deciding that the Hero of Time might be able to help him, the Phantom Beast flew down to speak with him one more time. Unfortunately, Navi spotted Bongo-Bongo's shadow and began freaking out.

"Link, watch out! There's some kind of invisible monster heading towards you!"

Link quickly turned around and raised his shield. Ignoring Link's actions, Bongo-Bongo stopped in front of Link and tried to explain the situation to him. Of course, the fact that a disembodied voice was speaking to him only made Link freak out as well.

"AHHH! It's that Poe that I gave a wedgie to when I was a kid! It's come back to haunt me!" Link screamed.

"Poe? What are you...? Oh," Bongo-Bongo said as he finally realized the fact that he was invisible to the Hylian. He quickly made himself visible to Link before continuing.

"As I was saying, there's a orphanage that's on fire and I was wondering if you..."

Before he could finish, Link took one look at the huge monster in front of him and fainted.

"What the...? Oh, come on! I'm not _that_ ugly! Now what am I supposed to do?"

Just then, Bongo-Bongo realized something that made him eye-palm.

"Of course! The river!"

The Phantom Beast quickly flew off towards the river just outside the village with all the speed he could muster. As soon as he reached his destination, he scooped up as much water into his gigantic hands as he could and flew back towards the village. Once there, he quickly dumped the water over the entire place. As he had planned, the sudden downpour managed to put out all of the fires.

"Whew! Glad that's over with!"

With his heroic deed done, Bongo-Bongo flew down towards the orphanage to check up on the kids. As he stuck his eyeball through the doorway, he could see that the orphans had all been trapped in the building like he had originally feared. Luckily, none of them seemed to be seriously hurt.

"Thank the Goddesses," Bongo-Bongo breathed out.

That's when kids started screaming. All of them ran to the other end of the room while some of them even tried to climb out of the windows.

"What? What's wrong?" Bongo-Bongo shouted out in panic as the kids continued to scream and run.

"Help! There's a giant monster trying to eat us!" one of the little girls yelled as she tried to dig her way out of the room.

Hearing this, Bongo-Bongo finally realized that he had forgotten to turn invisible again before visiting the orphanage.

"Hold on a second! I'm not going to eat you!" Bongo-Bongo desperately called out as he tried to get a hold of the situation.

Before he could say anything else, a textbook flew towards him and barely missed his eye. Apparently some of the older boys had taken on the task of defending everyone else from the giant monster by throwing whatever they could find at it. Taking the hint, Bongo-Bongo withdrew his head and tried to make his get-away. Unfortunately, the commotion in the orphanage had drawn the attention of all the villagers who were still in town. Suddenly, Bongo-Bongo found himself face-to-face with an angry mob.

"There's the monster! That thing probably set the village on fire in the first place so that it could eat the orphans while we were all distracted!" the beggar shouted out.

"What? No, I didn't! I was only trying to..."

"Let's kill it with fire!" Anju yelled as she grabbed a torch from out of nowhere.

All of the villagers followed her example and whipped out their own torches and pitchforks. Knowing that it would be foolish to remain in the village any longer, the Phantom Beast hightailed it out of there.

"Why do these things always happen to me?" Bongo-Bongo shouted as the mob pursued him all the way to the Shadow Temple.

**xxx  
><strong>_Somewhere in the Twilight Realm..._

"Why does it feel like something we did in the past caused a problem just now?" Malon suddenly asked.

"Moo! What're you talking about?"

"I don't know why, but I get the feeling that a certain mistake from Ch 3 finally caught up to the present."

"You're probably just imagining things. Ugh. If we continue to fall any longer, I think I'm going to start losing my mind as well. Speaking of which, how long have we been falling for anyways?"

"I'd say about two days or so," Midna dryly replied.

All three of them heaved a large sigh as they carried on with their descent.

"Hey, farmer girl. Are you sure you can't grow wings again and fly us out of here?" Yuna suddenly asked.

"We've been over this already," Malon replied while rolling her eyes. "I can't control the level of power needed to create those wings you're talking about."

"So what?" Midna interrupted. "If you have some way of getting us out of here, I'd say give it a shot. After all, nothing could be worse than our current situation."

Malon gave an annoyed sigh before answering.

"Worst case scenario is that my alter ego decides to deep-fry the two of you on sight."

"Alter ego?"

"Yeah. She takes over whenever I lose control of my powers. Just ask Yuna here if you want a better description of her."

"Moo! What do you mean?"

"Remember what happened to Mr. Assassin?"

"Oh..." Suddenly, images of violent explosions and a mangled assassin's body came into Yuna's mind. "Yeah, I think we're better off as we are right now."

With that, the three fell silent once more.

With nothing of interest happening anytime soon, Malon decided to take a nap while Yuna and Midna began sharing some of their best insults. After about five hours, Midna noticed something below them other than the endless black veil.

"What in the...? Hey, farmer girl! Wake up! I need you to check something for me," Midna said as she poked Malon awake.

"What is it?" Malon answered sleepily as she was forced to get up. After Midna repeated her request, Malon took a close look at the object in question.

"Hmm. It's too far away to see clearly but I'd say it kind of looks like the... Twilight Palace. How did that end up down here?"

However, once the three fell farther down, it was unmistakably clear that the building in question was the Twilight Palace itself. Soon, the rest of the Twilight Realm's landmass came into view.

"Moo! How does this make any sense?"

Midna thought long and hard before answering.

"Well, this whole place was originally created as a prison for the Twili. If my theory is correct, the entire space around the Twilight Realm is made to loop back to the central landmass. It's quite genius actually. This way, no matter which way you try to escape, you'll eventually end up right back where you started."

"If you knew about all of this, why didn't you say something earlier?" Malon retorted in an irritated tone.

"Hey, I'm just theorizing! For all I know, that place down there could just be some kind of Twili mole civilization that happens to share the same architectural designs as my kingdom."

It soon became apparent that Midna's first theory was the correct one. After everyone had safely landed onto the landmass (courtesy of Malon), they found that there wasn't a single mole person in sight. What they did find, however, was a large abundance of strange-looking beasts roaming the area. Before our heroes could decide what to do, a large pack of these mutant creatures swarmed in and surrounded them.

"I'll handle this," Malon simply declared as she began cracking her knuckles. Just as Malon was about to punch the first monster into oblivion, Midna stopped her.

"Wait! Don't hurt them! I... I think these things are my people!" Midna suddenly shouted out as she put herself between Malon and the mutant creature.

"Moo! What are you saying? The last time I checked, the Twili didn't walk around on all fours with strange face-plates attached to their heads!"

Midna stopped to think before replying.

"Zant. He must've done this. The Twili probably rejected him as their leader so he used the Fused Shadow to mutate them into these..."

"Shadow Beasts?" Malon helpfully offered.

"Fine. Shadow Beasts. Whatever. The point is, these things are still my people. Even though they probably want to kill us right now, I can't allow you to hurt them."

"Then what do you want me to do?"

"Isn't it obvious? You have to help me get the Fused Shadow back from Zant. With it, I can restore everything back to normal."

"And how do you propose we do that? The palace is probably guarded by a thousand of these Shadow Beasts! I don't see how I can get us in there without hurting some of them in the process!"

"Then get me to the Twilight Realm Science Building. I know of a secret way into the throne room from there."

"I don't think that's going to work. Zant already knows about the secret entrance through the science facility. He probably sealed off the way already."

"Idiot. There's more than one secret entrance through the Twilight Realm Science Building. We'll just use an alternate route to get there."

"Moo! I think these Shadow Beasts are growing bored of watching you two bicker," Yuna warned.

"Fine. We'll go with your plan," Malon said as she picked up Yuna in one hand and Midna in the other.

"What are you...?"

With that, Malon jumped out of the ring of Shadow Beasts surrounding them and headed once more towards the infamous Twilight Realm Science building.

**xxx  
><strong>_The Divine Realm..._

"Crap! How in my name did that guy survive a critical hit?" Nayru complained as she continued playing her game.

With Din away and Farore still in a full body cast, Nayru had decided that it was time to finish a very important business. In other words, she was busy playing _Fire Emblem_... on hard mode.

"Dammit! Lyn got killed! Now I need to start this stupid level again!"

"Heh heh. You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?"

Without even a hint of surprise, Nayru looked up from her game and saw the Happy Mask Salesman standing right in front of her.

"Oh, it's you. It's been a long time. How have you been?" Nayru asked in a bored tone.

"Same as usual. Where's Farore?"

"She's busy being dead. Or as dead as a goddess can be."

"Another fight?"

"Another fight."

The Happy Mask Salesman paused just long enough to watch Nayru kill some bandits on her game before continuing the conversation.

"Soooo... Do you think you can do me a quick favor?"

"What? You need help stopping another moon from destroying Termina?" Nayru lazily responded as she began killing a handful of Pegasus Knights with extreme prejudice.

"Well, now that you mention it, there is another moon threat in Termina. But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. I just wanted to know if you knew where Malon was right now."

This finally got Nayru's interest. She quickly suspended her game and turned to face the Happy Mask Salesman.

"You're looking for Malon? Why?"

"Din forced me to. I can't tell you the specifics but I'm now obliged to protect Malon with my life."

"Your life? What, did my sister threaten to kill you if you didn't follow her orders?"

"Not out loud but she did kind of hinted it."

"Well, whatever. I needed to check up on Malon's location anyways."

"Might I ask why?"

"I'm taking her to the baseball game tomorrow. Man, I have to say that our team is kicking some major ass this year. Speaking of which, aren't you one of the player for the Hylian Dodgers? I'm pretty sure I saw you during that game against the Dreamland Mets."

"Yeah, I was there for the first two games. After that, I had to return to Hyrule in order to stop that crazy ostrich invasion. Anyways, I'll be there for the final game tomorrow. I'm sure Din wouldn't mind if I took a day off from this whole bodyguard business."

"Crazy ostrich invasion? Actually, never mind. I don't think I want to know."

"Any luck on locating Malon yet?"

Nayru surrounded herself with a blue aura as she began using her powers to scan the world below for any signs of the farm girl.

"Hmm. That's strange. I can't seem to locate Malon anywhere in Hyrule."

"Maybe she's in Termina?" the Happy Mask Salesman helpfully offered.

"Let me check... No. She's not there either. Where the hell could she have gone?"

"When did you last see her?"

"About two days ago at the Great Fairy's fountain in the Gerudo Desert." A sudden thought crossed Nayru's mind as she looked at the Happy Mask Salesman. "Maybe..."

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe she's in that alternate dimension that my sisters and I created during Hyrule's first civil war. You know, the place where we banished the remains of your old race."

The Happy Mask Salesman's expression suddenly changed in the blink of an eye. His eyes turned blood-red while his smile changed into a deep frown.

"I thought I told you to never mention that event to me ever again," he whispered ominously.

Even for a goddess, the sudden change in the strange, little man's personality was rather unnerving.

"Okay! I'm sorry about bringing that up! Now can you please stop looking at me like that? It's starting to freak me out."

The HMS suddenly smiled again as if nothing had happened.

"Sure. Now then, have you found out where our missing farm girl is?"

Nayru cleared her throat and concentrated her energy once more. After a few seconds, she nodded.

"Yeah. She's with the Interlopers..."

"Twili. That's what they call themselves nowadays."

"Right. Twili. Anyways, Malon's somewhere inside their world. For what reason though, I have no idea."

"She probably stumbled across the Mirror of Twilight by accident and ended up there."

Nayru merely gave a large sigh before turning on her game again.

"What do you think you're doing?" the Happy Mask Salesman asked incredulously. "Shouldn't you go and get Malon out of the Twilight Realm right now?"

"Meh. I'll go and pick her up tomorrow. I need to finish this game before Din or Farore comes back. Besides, I'm sure my niece can take care of herself for another day," Nayru answered without even glancing up from her game.

"It's not Malon I'm worried about. What I'm worried about is what she might do to the Twili."

"Relax. Malon's one of the nicest people I know. She wouldn't hurt a fly."

**xxx  
><strong>_Somewhere inside the Twilight Realm Science building..._

"Crush him like a fly!" Midna yelled out from the audience.

Malon was currently battling Ryu in a _Street Fighter_ match inside one of the science facility's inner chambers. As everyone might have guessed already, Malon was untouched while her opponent was down to his last quarter of health. After receiving a single Malon Punch to the stomach, Ryu was struggling to stay on his feet as he took on his battle stance once more.

"For once, I'm agreeing with the imp. Hurry up and finish this so that we can get out of here," Yuna lazily commented as she watched Malon from the spectator stands.

Before Malon could put forth a reply, Ryu quickly thrust both of his palms out with tremendous force.

"Hadouken!"

Suddenly, a large burst of energy shot out of Ryu's palms and headed straight towards Malon. Before the farm girl could react, the blast came in contact with her face and blew up with an almighty explosion. Seeing this, Ryu let out a triumphant cheer while Midna stared at the explosion in shock.

"Is she...?" Midna managed to utter out.

"I wouldn't worry if I were you," Yuna casually told Midna. When the imp looked over at her with a disbelieving gaze, Yuna let out a small sigh. "Trust me. Farmer girl's still alive. In fact, she's probably going to end this match in the next five seconds or so."

True to Yuna's words, Malon's unhurt form was revealed as the smoke from the explosion cleared. As Ryu looked on in shock, a rather pissed off farm girl leaped towards him with killer intent gleaming off of her eyes.

"Malon Kick!"

And that was the last time anyone saw of poor Ryu again. At least in the Twilight Realm... Anywho, the door to the next room opened as soon as Ryu's health bar flat-lined.

"Yep. Still alive," Yuna muttered in a bored tone as she followed Malon into the newly opened hallway. Midna remained standing in a stunned way as she tried to make sense of what she had just seen.

"Hey, Midna! Aren't you supposed to lead us to the palace?" Malon called out once she noticed that the imp wasn't with them.

Hearing this, Midna returned to reality and quickly ran after Malon and Yuna.

"How... how did you just do that?" Midna asked after walking along in silence for a while.

"Before I answer any of your questions, I've got a few of my own that I want answered," Malon replied in a rather annoyed tone.

"What is it?"

"Just what the hell do you people consider science to be? This has got to be the weirdest place I've seen so far on my entire journey! And that's saying a lot!"

"Oh. Well, that's easy to answer. Here at the Twilight Realm, we consider video gaming to be the greatest form of science to ever exist. That's why I ordered this place to be built in order to research all aspects of video gaming. Unfortunately, we've had a little budget trouble lately and the place had to be temporarily shut down."

"So that's why we haven't met anyone else in this goddess-forsaken science facility."

"Yep."

"Moo! Let me ask a question as well. What did you mean by Zant being the product of your world's greatest geneticists working together to create the craziest lunatic that ever existed?"

"We just wanted to see how a crazy person would react when placed inside our testing chambers. Of course, using a real crazy person for lab experimentations would've been unethical so we decided to genetically create our own lunatic."

"... so Zant was practically created to be your guinea pig... for video game testing..."

"Got it in one. Now then, why don't you tell me how... what's that noise?"

All three of them stopped as a very familiar melody began to grow louder and louder from one of the hallways leading off to their left.

"Oh, no. It can't be," Malon whispered as she turned deathly pale.

"What is it?" Midna asked in confusion and fear.

"It's... it's... L-block!"

As soon as Malon said this, a gigantic, orange L-block came into view from out of the hallway. It was hovering a few feet off of the ground while the _Tetris_ theme continued to emanate ominously from it. Just from a single glance, one could tell that this block wasn't in a good mood.

"Shit! How did that thing find us?" Malon yelled in panic.

"Moo! Who cares? Just run!"

All three of them ran for their lives as the L-block flew relentlessly after them.

"Why are we running? Can't you just smash that thing with a single punch?" Midna asked as they continued to run.

"We already tried that during our first visit! All it did was make that psychopathic Tetris piece more angry! That thing's indestructible!" Malon answered as they reached a fork in the road.

"Which way? Hurry up! L-block's right behind us!" Yuna shouted as they waited for Midna to lead the way.

"Umm... I think it's a right. Wait! It might be a left."

"No time! We're going right!"

Malon dragged Midna and Yuna off to the hallway on their right as the _Tetris_ theme continued to grow steadily louder. Just when it seemed that the crazy block would catch them after all, the three of them found the entrance to yet another test chamber.

"We're not going to make it!" Yuna yelled as she looked back and saw L-block only a few feet away from them.

Hearing this, Malon quickly grabbed Yuna and Midna and threw them into the test chamber. The farm girl herself quickly leaped in after them just before the entrance way sealed itself off. A loud thud was heard as L-block tried and failed to dive in after them. After bashing itself against the wall for a few minutes to get at our three heroes, the disgruntled L-block finally gave up and went away. On the other side of the room, Malon, Yuna, and Midna all let out a relieved sigh.

"What was that thing?" Midna asked.

"Moo! How should we know? You're the weirdo who built that thing!"

"No, I didn't! I only commissioned a few of these projects! Everything else was created by my scientists!"

"Do you think I give a crap? I..."

"Hey!" Malon suddenly interrupted. "If you two are done arguing, maybe one of you could tell me what this... thing... is."

"What thing?" Midna retorted.

"This thing," Malon said as she pointed at a strange-looking gun lying on top of a pedestal in front of them. The gun was tubular in shape with three claw-like appendages attached to one end. It was painted white and black and had a few wires sticking out along its length. Even though Malon had never seen a real firearm before (except for that M79 grenade launcher I accidentally sent her in Ch 1), she could instantly tell that this was no ordinary gun.

"Oh, that thing? That's a Portal Gun. It was one of the last projects I funded before this place was shut down."

"What's it do?" Yuna inquired, her curiosity sparked.

"Simply put, you shoot out two portals onto a flat surface, go into one, and you'll come out of wherever you shot the second portal at."

"Cool. Can you tell us how to use it?" Malon asked as she picked up the Portal Gun.

"No. I don't feel like explaining it to an idiot such as you."

Before Malon could shoot back an angry reply, Yuna interrupted them.

"Moo! Can we just move on to the next room? I don't know about you two, but I think I'm going to go insane if I stay inside this so-called science facility any longer!"

Taking the hint, Midna quickly led the group through a doorway located behind the pedestal. What they found on the other side was an obstacle course unlike anything they had ever seen before. The entire room was filled with raised platforms, bottomless pits, spiked traps, and laser beams for as far as the eye could see. In short, the place looked like an elongated version of a testing chamber from _Portal_.

"Great. Just how the hell are we supposed to get through this place?" Yuna asked in an irritated tone.

"Isn't it obvious?" Midna answered, "We have to use the Portal Gun we found in the previous room to navigate our way through this place."

"Can you be a little bit more specific with that?" Malon asked as she began examining the Portal Gun she was holding.

"Stupid girl. Do I have to explain everything around here?"

"You'd be a lot more useful if you did."

"Fine! Just use the Portal Gun to keep on creating a pair of portals that we can use get all the way to the end of this room!"

"That's it? It's that easy?"

"Pfft. You wish. If we make even the slightest miscalculation while firing a portal, we could end up in a section of the room that's filled with lasers, spike-traps, and/or talking potatos that'll insult us like there's no tomorrow."

"Okay... I think I have a simpler way of getting us across," Malon announced. Before anyone could protest, the farm girl managed to pick up Midna, Yuna, and the Portal Gun all in her arms. After making sure that everything was secure, she began jumping from platform to platform with incredible speed and dexterity.

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" Midna yelled as they narrowly avoided a pair of moving laser beams that tried to cut them in half.

Luckily, Midna's prediction didn't come true. After a few more minutes of traversing across the deadly testing center, Malon finally landed on the very last platform in the room. As soon as Midna and Yuna were let down, they both hurried to the edge of the platform and barfed. While the two were busy doing that, Malon took a look around her for the door that would lead them further into the science facility. Instead of a door, however, all she managed to find was a glowing circle on the ground.

"Hey, Midna! What are we supposed to do with this glowing circle?" the farm girl asked.

After spending a few minutes recovering from the shock of flying through a series of death-traps at a 100mph, Midna glanced at the circle in question and gave a large sigh.

"You really don't know anything, do you? That 'circle' is actually a warp panel. All you have to do is step onto it and it'll teleport you to wherever the other panel is located."

"Oh. So that's what it was. I thought it was a save point."

"A what?"

"A save point. You know, those handy little things they put right before huge boss battles in RPG games?"

"..."

"Well, whatever. Let's just hurry up and get moving then."

"Moo! I'm not taking another step until we take a break! I'm going to need some time before we head into another demented testing chamber!"

"Oh, come on Yuna," Malon replied. "We made it this far. Let's just hurry up and get this over with."

"No! I refuse to take another step until I regain some normalcy in my life again! And there's nothing you can do to..."

"BIRD! BIRD! BIRD! BIRD! BIRD!"

All three of them quickly looked up and saw a small bird flying across the room with a potato battery in its talons. Apparently, it had been the potato that had just interrupted Yuna by shouting 'BIRD!'. Everyone watched as the potato continued to scream in terror as the bird flew further and further away. Eventually, the potato's shouting faded off into the distance.

"Moo! Never mind. Let's hurry up and get moving before another talking potato flies by."

Everyone agreed with this plan and quickly headed off into the next room via the warp panel. Little did they know about the horrible randomness that they would soon have to face.


	14. Twilight Realm Science Pt 3

I can probably become a creator of an abridged series if my updating speed becomes any slower ... That was a joke. Ha ha. Fat chance.

Before we begin though, I'd like to thank all of my reviewers. This story probably wouldn't have gotten this far if it wasn't for all of you. Everyone who's reviewed so far gets a cookie and a pet narwhal! Also, I'm still open to any ideas for future chapters so feel free to send me a message. Just make sure it ties in with what's happened so far. I don't want Malon to go all the way back to Zora's Domain to kill Ruto again or something.

Anyways, here's the grand finale to the Twilight Realm Science saga. I have to say, this is probably the strangest thing that I've written so far. And that's saying a lot. Enjoy the uber randomness!

* * *

><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<br>****Ch 14: Twilight Realm Science Pt. 3**

As soon as the light from the teleporter faded, our three heroes could see that their new location was actually just another room. However, Malon immediately noticed something very familiar about the place.

"Hey, isn't this the place where we found the Portal Gun?" Malon asked as she stepped off the teleporter pad.

"Moo! I don't think so. As far as I can remember, that room didn't have a pedestal stocked with a bunch of weapons."

Malon and Midna noticed that Yuna was speaking the truth. Instead of the Portal Gun, the pedestal in the center of the room was now holding a large array of weapons ranging from swords, to axes, to giant bananas. As the three heroes approached the pedestal, an loud voice suddenly sounded from a hidden speaker.

**PLAYER 1, SELECT YOUR WEAPON!**

The three of them all stood still, unsure if they should follow the mysterious voice's command or not. After a while, Malon gave a shrug and stepped forward to pick a weapon. However, she had barely taken a single step forward when Yuna suddenly noticed something and stopped her.

"Wait! I think I know where this is headed! We're about to enter an RPG battle!"

"And just how do you know that?" Midna asked.

"Look over there. See all those oversized food items on the left side of the pedestal? The only game genre that regularly employ the use of gag weapons such as those are RPGs."

"That's just great. I suck at RPGs," Malon muttered as she stepped back from the pedestal.

"That won't be a problem. Just follow my lead and you'll be fine. Unlike you, I'm a pro when it comes to RPG games."

"Well, you're name _is_ Yuna. Someone who's named after a main character from a _Final Fantasy _game has to be great at these things," Malon innocently commented.

"Moo! How many times do I have to tell you to stop bringing that up? In what way do I look like a freaking summoner/pop-star/Gunner?"

"Hmm. I guess you're right. But you do remind me of a different _Final Fantasy_ character though."

"And just who would that be?"

"I was thinking Paine from _Final Fantasy X-2_. Think about it. You're both sarcastic, cynical, and touchy about bringing up the past. If it wasn't for the fact that you were a cow, I'd say you were related to her."

"Ugh. Next you'll be comparing me to that bimbo, Yuffie," Yuna muttered under her breath.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. Now be a good girl and pick up that giant banana."

"Wait, what? Why do you want me to choose a banana as my weapon?"

"It's common knowledge that gag weapons are one of the strongest weapons in RPG games! Now stop questioning me and pick up that banana!"

Malon reluctantly obeyed and grabbed the unconventional weapon. As soon as she picked up the large fruit, the mysterious announcer shouted out once more.

**PLAYER 2, SELECT YOUR WEAPON!**

"You! Pick up that baguette!" Yuna ordered to Midna.

Surprisingly, Midna didn't reply with a sharp comeback to Yuna's command. Instead, she obediently went up and picked up the long loaf of bread. No one had much time to ponder about Midna's uncharacteristic reaction as the announcer shouted out one final time.

**PLAYER 3, SELECT YOUR WEAPON!**

Yuna promptly walked up and took a good look at the remaining gag weapons. All that was left now was a large pickle, a handful of marshmallows, a pair of pineapples, and a lone lemon. After much deliberation, Yuna grabbed the lemon in her mouth and joined her teammates. As soon as Yuna stepped away from the pedestal, a glowing warp pad appeared on the floor in front of them. Steeling themselves for the upcoming fight, the three heroes bravely walked forward with their edible weapons in tow. Unfortunately, their confidence was to be short lived.

After the lights from the teleporter pad disappeared, the group could see that they were in some kind of abandoned castle. The three of them were currently standing in a large hallway overlooking a lush, green forest with a couple of mountains bordering the horizon. The place could have easily been some rich person's vacation home if it wasn't for the fact that an enormous dragon was facing them at the end of the hallway. Except for its enormous size, the monster didn't seem to have any unique features. It simply looked like your generic dragon from the medieval ages. As soon as the dragon spotted our three heroes, it gave a large roar and headed straight towards them

"Ha! I told you we were going to fight an RPG style battle!" Yuna bragged after putting down the lemon in her mouth.

However, Yuna's gloating came to an abrupt end as the boss battle music from _Final Fantasy X_ started to play. As soon as the music started, the dragon stopped its advance and halted several feet away from Malon, Yuna, and Midna. To add to strangeness of the situation, a bunch of numbers and charts magically appeared around the group and stayed hovering in the air above them.

"Moo! Don't make a move until I say otherwise! Seeing as how I'm the most knowledgeable about these types of things, I'll be giving the commands here!"

When no one gave any objections, Yuna carefully looked over the numbers around them. After spending a few minutes analyzing the info, she pointed to Malon with one of her hooves.

"Farmer girl! I want you to perform a basic attack on that dragon!"

"A what?"

"Just whack the boss with the banana!"

With a shrug, Malon obeyed Yuna's command and ran up to the dragon with her giant banana in tow. As soon as she was within striking distance, Malon gave loud yell and swung her weapon with all the force she could muster...

only to have the fruit splatter into oblivion as it hit the dragon.

"WHAT... THE... FUCK?"

Before Malon could say anything else, the dragon smacked her away with its tail. Despite the fierce blow, Malon's HP only dropped from 99,999 to 99,998.9 (not surprisingly). Anyways, as soon as she got back to her feet, the farmer girl turned to glare death at Yuna.

"You liar! That banana was the most pathetic weapon I saw in my entire life!"

"Hey! Don't you dare blame this on me! If you want to point fingers, point it at the imp! She's the one who made this place! If this was a normal RPG game, that banana would've kicked some major ass!"

"I don't care! Just figure out a way for us to win this battle before either you or Midna gets eaten!"

With a disgruntled 'moo', Yuna turned away to look at the turn order. Now that Malon and the dragon had attacked, Midna and Yuna were next in line. Unfortunately, the dragon was slated to attack again right after Yuna's turn. To make matters worse, the monster's hungry gaze indicated that it was in the mood for a giant cheeseburger (without the cheese, obviously).

"Moo! That's not funny!"

It was for me.

"Screw you! Now then, where was I? Oh, right. Midna! Smack that dragon with your baguette! Maybe we'll have some luck with your gag weapon!"

Without a word of protest, Midna followed Yuna's order and ran towards the dragon. Once she was near it, she began to repeatedly whack the dragon's leg using the bread. However, the baguette proved to be just as effective as the banana. The dragon merely looked on in amusement as Midna eventually tired herself out and walked back to the group in exhaustion.

"Okay. We're screwed," Yuna said with a face-palm.

"Use... the... lemon," Midna suddenly told the cow while trying to catch her breath.

"What? Why the hell would I waste my turn with this stupid lemon?"

"Trust me."

Hearing this, Yuna took another look at the lemon lying in front of her. Appearance-wise, the fruit was very normal-looking with no hint of any remarkable features. When Yuna nudged it to see if it would do anything, it merely rolled around like any other piece of fruit. After a while, Yuna gave a large sigh and made her decision.

"Meh. What have I got to lose? If I get lucky, maybe the dragon will eat the lemon and choke on it."

With that, Yuna picked up the lemon in her mouth and flung it at the dragon. What happened next would be forever remembered as the day that reality ceased to exist. Literally. You see, as soon as the lemon made contact with the dragon... it combusted. For those of you who don't fully grasp the concept of a combustible lemon, let me provide a short description: the fruit exploded with the force of a thousand hydrogen bombs going off at the same time. As the light from the explosion faded, it became clear that Malon, Yuna, and Midna had all survived the blast (thanks to the RPG allied protection rule). And as you could've guessed by now, the dragon was nowhere to be seen. Unfortunately, the lemon had managed to blow up the entire world along with the dragon, resulting in our three heroes floating around in an empty, white space.

"Terrific. We actually managed to blow up reality," Malon commented with her arms crossed.

"Don't worry," Midna calmly replied. "This whole place is probably just a virtual world that my scientists created."

"And how would you know that?"

"Don't you think we would've escaped from the Twilight Realm by now if we could create a warp panel to another planet?"

"Ah. Good point."

"Moo! If this was all virtual, then the dragon wasn't actually a threat?"

"I'm pretty sure that some things in here were real. That dragon was probably either a robot or another genetic experiment that my scientists had created."

"Okay... So what are we supposed to do now?"

Midna gave a shrug before answering.

"I don't know. If we get lucky, we might be automatically warped back to the Twilight Realm Science Lab after a few minutes."

"And if we're not?"

"I guess we can play _Dungeons & Dragons_ for the rest of eternity."

For once, fortune smiled upon the three heroes. After about ten minutes, the three of them were teleported to one of the science facility's generic hallways. After checking to make sure everyone was accounted for, they began their journey through the giant laboratory once more.

After a long walk, the party came face-to-face with another warp panel. Eager to get their journey through the science building over with, the three of them walked onto the glowing circle without a moment's hesitation. Despite all the weird things that they had already seen, what they found on the other side still managed to leave all of them in an extremely confused state.

"Are we... in space?" Malon asked.

Indeed, our heroes seemed to be flying through space on a blue, rectangular platform. Before anyone could comment on the strangeness of the situation, a loud, robotic voice was heard above them.

"SO MUCH SPACE! NEED TO SEE IT ALL!"

Everyone immediately looked up and saw a white sphere with an orange-colored eye float past them.

"SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!"

Almost as quickly as it had appeared, the robotic sphere floated off into the distance.

"Okay... That was slightly stranger than what I'm usually accustomed to," Malon muttered.

However, the randomness was only beginning. As soon as the space-obsessed sphere had disappeared from sight, ominous laughter began to echo all around them. Everyone quickly scanned the surrounding area to locate its source. Thanks to her highly attuned senses, Malon was the first to find it. What she saw though, left her with a strong urge to face-palm.

"You've got to be kidding me. Is that... a mechanical Master Hand?"

"Moo! And here I was thinking that this place couldn't get any weirder."

Like Malon had stated, a giant,black hand was slowly approaching them. As soon as the hand was floating right above the edge of the platform that the heroes were on, an action-packed theme featuring a Latin chorus began to play in the background. Hearing this, Malon finally did face-palm.

"Was the 'Final Destination' theme really necessary?" Malon asked with a sigh.

"I wouldn't complain if I were you," Midna answered. "In my opinion, this is the best Master Hand battle music in the entire _Super Smash Bros._ series."

"Moo! I can agree with you on that one. The Latin chorus was a nice touch."

"It definitely was. Hmm. I wonder if they'll make another _Super Smash Bros._ game?"

"Maybe. But before they do that, they should make a new _Metroid_ game."

"They definitely should. Nintendo pretty much destroyed the series with _Metroid: Other M_. I think they should... Wait. Why did the music suddenly stop?"

Midna and Yuna turned just in time to see Malon dust off some black powder from her blouse. When the farm girl noticed her companions staring at her with open mouths, she took on a bemused expression.

"What? I got bored of listening to your conversation so I thought I might as well do something productive," Malon stated with a shrug.

Before either Midna or Yuna could say anything, a warp panel appeared at the center of the platform.

"Well, then. Shall we proceed?" Malon asked.

Midna and Yuna quickly nodded and followed the farm girl to the warp panel. However, as Midna began walking towards her companions she noticed a few asteroids fly past them. Seeing this, an idea popped into her head.

"Hey, farmer girl! Can you pass me the Portal Gun?"

"What? Why?"

"Can you just hand it to me? Please?"

With a confused look, Malon took out the small pouch that was tied to her belt. Before anyone could question her actions, she reached into the bag and pulled out the Portal Gun.

"Moo! What the...? How did you fit the Portal Gun inside a small pouch like that?"

"Aunt Nayru gave me this bag for my tenth birthday. It can hold pretty much anything inside it, making it quite handy for a long adventure such as this. Besides, how else do you think I carried around our food supply and such?"

"Moo! I thought that was just a plot hole that the author forgot to cover."

"Stop breaking the fourth wall and hand me the Portal Gun!" Midna suddenly interrupted.

"Oh, right. Here you go."

"Thanks. Now go on ahead while I take care of some business here."

"What are you..."

"I said go!"

Knowing that the conversation was now over, Malon and Yuna quickly stepped onto the warp panel and found themselves in another hallway. The two of them decided to wait for Midna before proceeding so they sat down (or laid down in Yuna's case) and enjoyed their short reprieve from the crazy randomness of the science building. After a few minutes though, Malon decided to ask Yuna about something that had been bugging her for quite a while.

"Hey, Yuan. Have you noticed that Midna's acting rather strangely?"

"What do you mean?"

"Ever since she was turned into an imp, her attitude's been rather uneven. When we first met her, she was almost as sarcastic as you. Now, however, she's even saying 'please' and 'thanks'. Plus, she's not insulting us every five minutes."

"I'd say its more like ten minutes, but I see your point. Her character has been rather inconsistent. On the other hand, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. The worst case scenario is that she actually becomes likable."

"Yeah, I guess your right. Hmm. I wonder what's taking her so long?"

As if on cue, Midna appeared right next to them in a flash of bright light.

"Whew! That took longer than expected!" Midna exclaimed.

"Umm... I'm almost afraid to ask, but what exactly did you do back there?"

"Back-up plan," Midna answered in a mysterious voice. "By the way, is it okay if I hold onto the Portal Gun for now?"

"Er... Go ahead."

"Thanks! You're the best!"

Hearing this, Malon and Yuna gave each other a look that confirmed their suspicions about Midna. Anywho, the two of them followed the imp as she led them through the hallway. After another long and boring walk, the three of them finally reached the end of their path. This time, however, a standard chamber was there instead of a warp panel.

"Moo! Thank farmer girl's mom! At least we don't have to deal with some crazy virtual world this time!"

"Farmer girl's mom? What's that supposed mean?" Midna asked.

"Nothing," Malon quickly cut in. "Now let's hurry up and finish this chamber before L-block appears again."

At the mention of L-block, Yuna and Midna quickly followed Malon into the testing chamber. As usual, a part of the wall slid over and closed off the path behind them once they were inside.

The first thing that the group noticed was the small size of the room. Unlike all the other chambers that they had been in, this one was only about as big as the average person's living room. Even stranger was the fact that there was only a single entity in the entire room: a scarecrow. Appearance-wise, it looked just like the dancing scarecrows that you would find at Lake Hylia. At the moment though, it was slumped lifelessly on the pole that it was attached to. However, as soon as our three heroes walked within a few feet of it, it immediately snapped to attention.

"Stop right there," the scarecrow suddenly declared. "The only way to pass through this room is by defeating me..."

"Moo! That sounds easy enough."

"In a dance battle!"

"Say what now?"

Suddenly, a section of the floor behind the scarecrow split open. Dense fog began to billow out as something began to rapidly rise out of the hole in the ground. After a few seconds, the fog began to clear and our three heroes could finally see the identity of the object that had risen out. What they saw left them all dumbfounded. Right in front of them was an enormous... _Dance Dance Revolution_ machine.

"Choose your challenger!" the scarecrow declared from his position in front of one of the screens. "Bear in mind that this battle shall take place in Expert mode!"

Before Yuna or Midna could say anything, Malon boldly stepped forward.

"Leave this to me," the farm girl simply declared as she stepped onto the dance mat next to the scarecrow.

"Please tell me this isn't your first time playing _DDR_," Yuna commented in a worried voice.

"Of course not."

"Phew!"

"This is my second time."

"What?"

"The first time I played this was at my fifth birthday party. I remember being quite good at it back then. Of course, I could've been playing on Easy mode back then. It was so long ago that the details are a little fuzzy."

"We're screwed," Yuna muttered.

"Enough talk!" The scarecrow interrupted. "As the challenger, you get the privilege of choosing the song!"

"Umm... quick question first. How are you going play if you don't have any legs?"

"Simple! My dance mat has been modified so that I can press the arrows by leaning my body in the specified directions. For example, by leaning forward, I'm pressing the upward arrow."

"Okay..."

"Just choose a song already!"

"Somebody's impatient," Malon muttered as she took a look at the song list. "Hmm. I think I'm going to go with number 37."

"Interesting choice. Alright then. Let the ultimate dance battle begin!"

As soon as the scarecrow said this, the lights in the room dimmed as a pair of spotlights illuminated Malon and the scarecrow on the dance mats. As the game loaded up, the two dancers eyed each other with equally matched determination. From the audience, Midna and Yuna watched nervously to see how things would turn out. The tense atmosphere, however, was instantly broken once the music began to play.

"Moo! Really? You two are going to dance to... _Caramelldansen_?"

"Hmm. From the sound of things, I'd say this is the Japanese version of the song," Midna randomly noted.

Malon had no time to reply as the arrows began to appear on-screen. Just like the scarecrow had said, the game was set on Expert mode so the arrows were barely visible as they shot up the screen at light speed. Just when Yuna believed that all hope was lost, Malon began to dance. And by dance, I mean she was literally dancing to a continuous combo of 'Perfects'. Midna and Yuna were both frozen in shock as Malon continued to dominate the dance mat. The scarecrow too was shocked by the farm girl's crazy dancing skill and had to force himself to stay focused on the game.

As the game progressed, Malon grew more confident and began to incorporate a more freestyle approach to her game. With expert precision, she executed numerous twists, turns, and spins while still maintaining her unbroken combo. After nearly three minutes, the music came to an end with Malon finishing in a triumphant pose with her arms raised. To no one's surprise, the screen in front of Malon immediately flashed out a large 'You Win!' as the machine shot out a bunch of confetti. Somewhere in the background, a fanfare began to play to commemorate the victory. As for Midna and Yuna, they could only continue to stare at Malon in disbelief as she calmly walked down from the dance mat.

"Wow! I hadn't had this much fun in ages! Maybe I should ask Aunt Farore to get me one of these as my birthday present," Malon commented as she reached her companions.

It was just then that the farm girl finally noticed that something was missing.

"Hey, where did the scarecrow disappear to?"

After a long silence, Midna finally managed to get over her shock and answered Malon.

"He... caught on fire halfway through the match."

"What?"

"He tried to keep up with you and... ended up setting himself on fire."

"How's that even possible?"

"Moo! Well, he was made out of straw. All that movement probably heated him up so much that he combusted. It's kind of like how you rub a bunch of sticks together to create a campfire."

"Oh. Heh heh. I guess I overdid it, didn't I?"

"Do you really need someone to answer that for you?"

Before Malon could reply, a part of the wall behind the _DDR_ machine opened up, revealing a relatively short hallway with a small door visible at the other end.

"Alright! We finally made it to the palace! We just have to go through that door and we'll be right inside the throne room!" Midna declared.

"What? The throne room's directly connected with the science building?" Yuna asked incredulously.

"Of course. The science building actually serves as an emergency exit from the throne room."

"I'm not going to question the logic behind that one. But wait. If this is an emergency exit, wouldn't Zant have noticed the door and blocked it off from the other side?"

"Umm... I had my TV installed in front of the door. Thanks to that, you can't tell that there's a door behind it unless you already know its there. My advisers kept telling me that its a safety hazard but it was the only place close enough to a power outlet."

"..."

"Moo! Enough talk! Let's hurry up and end this already!"

"You're right. It's time we took down Zant once and for all," Malon replied with a nod. However, just as she was about to step forward, she noticed the large object that Midna was holding. "Hey, Midna. Do you want me to carry the Portal Gun for you? I mean, the thing's almost as big as you are."

"I'll manage," Midna replied as she slung the gun over her shoulder using one of the wires that was attached to it. "Alright. Let's get back to reclaiming my kingdom from the lunatic!"

With that, our three heroes headed towards the door with looks of determination. As soon as they came within a few feet of it, the door automatically slid open revealing the backside of a very large TV, just like Midna had said. Malon quickly moved the TV aside and the group entered the throne room. As soon as they entered, they saw that Zant was sitting on the throne with the Fused Shadow in hand as if he was expecting them..

"Well, well, well. Welcome... to my lair!" Zant declared in a loud, ominous voice. "You know, I have to say that I'm impressed. I never thought you'd be able to make it back up here. And yet, here you are. Imagine my surprise when one of my Shadow Beasts reported that the three of you were back and were heading towards the Twilight Realm Science Building. I must commend you for your great effort in coming here. Of course, that's of little importance seeing as how I'm going to kill all of you right now anyways."

While Zant was busy with his monologue, Midna began scanning the throne room for anything that she could use against the Usurper King. As her eyes wandered to the right side of the throne room, she spotted a pedastel with a familiar-looking helmet placed on top of it. Seeing this, Midna quickly leaned over and whispered out a plan to Malon. The farm girl immediately nodded and turned to face Zant.

"Zant! Look behind you! It's a distraction!" Malon suddenly yelled.

"What? Where?"

As soon as Zant turned around, Malon rushed in as if to snatch the Fused Shadow. However, Zant saw the attack coming and merely lept out of the way. As he landed next to the TV, he blasted Malon with a bolt of energy from the Fused Shadow. However, instead of being turned into an duck like Zant had expected, Malon was merely blown back several feet before regaining her balance.

"Interesting. How did you resist the effect of the Fused Shadow?" Zant asked Malon curiously.

"Would you believe me if I said I'm the daughter of Din?"

"Pfft. Enough with your jokes. Anyways, I must say I'm rather disappointed with your plan. Did you really expect such a straight-forward tactic to actually work?"

"No. I was merely serving as a distraction," Malon calmly answered. "Our real goal was Mr. Helmet."

Zant turned around just in time to see Midna reach the pedastel holding the helmet in question.

"No! What do you think you're doing?"

"We're taking Mr. Helmet hostage!" Midna yelled back. "If you ever want to see him again, you'll hand over the Fused Shadow back to me!"

"Never!"

"Then it looks like Mr. Helmet's staying with us!"

With that, Midna reached over and grabbed the helmet. However, as soon as she touched it, the entire pedestal blew up.

"Hah! I booby-trapped the helmet!" Zant shouted out in joy. "I thought you might target Mr. Helmet so I put a fake helmet on that pedestal and filled it with explosives!"

"No! Midna!"

"It's no use, you pathetic farmer girl! Midna's gone! Ha! I wish I got that on video!"

Malon began shaking in rage as a red aura began to surround her. Just as she was about to rush in and incinerate Zant, a familiar-sounding voice was heard behind her.

"Hey, Zant. Eat this."

Suddenly, a flash of blue light was seen from within the smoke that the explosion had created. Almost immediately, a blue-colored portal appeared right in front of Zant. Suddenly, everything within the room began to be sucked in towards the portal. As the intense vacuum continued to draw in even the air from the room, Zant desperately grabbed onto the closest thing next to him: the TV. Unfortunately for him, the only thing anchoring the TV to the room was the power cord. As a result, Zant soon found himself flying into the portal with the unplugged TV.

"SOMEBODY SAVE ME! GRAB ME! GRAB ME! NOOOOOOOOOO!"

As the Usurper King disappeared into the portal, Yuna noticed that Zant had let go of the Fused Shadow in his panic. However, the portal was still open and was threatening to pull in the Fused Shadow as well. In a very brave but foolish move, Yuna lept forward and grabbed the Fused Shadow with her mouth. Just as she was about to be pulled into the portal as well, she felt someone grab onto her. She quickly looked up and saw that Malon was the one that had caught her. The farm girl had her flame-cloaked, angel wings out and was trying her best to fly away from the portal with her friend in tow.

"MPH! FLA FASTA!" Yuna yelled with the Fused Shadow still in her mouth.

"DON'T TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW! I'M BARELY CONTROLLING MY POWERS AS IS!"

Just when it seemed that all hope was lost, the portal suddenly disappeared. With the threat of the vacuum gone, Malon was able to safely land onto the ground with Yuna. However, as soon as Malon landed, her wings and aura disappeared and she felt herself grow very faint. The last thing she saw before she fell unconscious was the sight of a female Twili holding onto what seemed to be a heavily damaged Portal Gun.

**xxx**

As soon as Malon woke up, she found herself lying on a couch in a dimly lit room. As she slowly got up, she could see that she was still in the Twilight Palace's throne room. Before she could do anything else, Yuna and Midna entered the room. From the looks of things, Midna had finally managed to get her regular body back. As soon as Midna noticed that Malon was up, she gave a sigh of relief.

"Thank the goddesses, you're alright! You were out for almost three hours! I was about to get a doctor but Yuna convinced me to just let you rest. From the looks of things, I guess she was right."

"Moo! You make it sound like I actually cared about her."

Malon couldn't help but smile when she heard that. However, her expression quickly grew serious when she remembered what had just happened.

"What happened to Zant? For that matter, how did you survive that explosion?" Malon asked the Twilight Princess.

"Remember how I was carrying the Portal Gun? Turns out it makes quite a useful bomb-shield. As for Zant, I sent him to a place where he won't be causing anymore trouble."

"So the portal was your doing?"

"Yeah. Sorry about the mess at the end. I tried to turn off the portal as soon as Zant was gone but the explosion damaged the gun a bit more than I expected. Not to mention that I was also busy hanging onto one of the tables to keep myself from being dragged into the portal as well."

"Well, you were still a big help to us. Heh. I guess you were a nice person after all."

"Speaking of nice, can I ask you a question?" Yuna asked Midna.

"Sure."

"What was up with your strange personality switch during this entire misadventure?"

"Oh, that. You see, being turned into an imp uncovered a nicer side of me that I didn't even know I had. I'm guessing it was some kind of side effect from the Fused Shadow. Anyways, my nice personality seemed to have been struggling to overcome my usual self this whole time. From these emotions I'm feeling right now, I'm guessing that my nice personality managed to surface in the end."

"Looks like Zant gave you an uninteded benefit by turning you into an imp," Malon commented brightly. "With your newfound heart, you can actually run this kingdom through kindness and compassion now."

Instead of agreeing with Malon, Midna stayed silent for a while as if thinking something over. After a few seconds, she came to a decision and began shaking her head.

"No. I can't run a kingdom with kindness. That would be a terrible way to run a government. These emotions have got to go."

"Say what?"

Suddenly the announcer from the RPG chamber was heard once more.

**NICE MIDNA DELETED.**

"Moo! What was that?"

"Goodbye Nice Midna," the Twilight Princess stated with her indifferent look back on her face. "You know, deleting my nice personality just made me realize a very important truth. This entire mess wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for the two of you. In fact, you two are responsible for almost ruining my entire life.

"What?"

"You know what my days used to be like? I just ruled my kingdom. No one tried to kill me, or turned me into an imp, or got me attacked by L-blocks. I had a pretty good life. Then the two of you showed up. You dangerous, random, weirdos. So you know what? Just go."

Without another word, Midna used the Fused Shadow to teleport Malon and Yuna to the outer gates of the Twilight Palace. After being so abruptly kicked out, the two of them were too stunned to say anything . However, their stunned silence was soon interrupted by a strange noise coming from behind them.

"Moo! What is that?"

"It sounds like... music."

The two of them quickly turned around to face a crowd of Twili standing right behind them. From the looks of things, they were all organized into a chorus and seemed to be singing a song in their strange language. What was even weirder was the fact that they seemed to be singing for Malon and Yuna specifically. After listening to the Twili chorus for a while, Malon and Yuna looked at one another and gave a shrug. Eager to put some distance between themselves and the singing Twili, the two heroes turned around and began to walk away.

"Any idea about what they were singing about?" Malon asked.

"Not a clue."

After a few minutes, their walk was interrupted by a flash of blue light as Nayru appeared before them.

"Aunt Nayru! What're you doing here?" Malon asked in surprise.

"Duh! I'm here to pick you up for the baseball game!"

Malon now noticed that the goddess was wearing a green T-shirt along with denim shorts. On her head was a green baseball cap with a Triforce symbol on it. In her hands was a large flag that said 'Hylians For the Win!'

"Oh."

"Don't tell me you forgot! Well, no matter. I'll buy you a banner or something once we get to the stadium so that you can show your team spirit as well!"

"Moo! Do I really have to go with you two?"

"Absolutely," Malon firmly stated. "I'm not going to let you wander off into some crazy situation while I'm gone. I've worked too hard to lose you now."

"I'm touched," Yuna sarcastically replied.

"Is everything settled now?" Nayru interrupted in an impatient tone.

"Yep. We're good to go."

"Awesome! Just stay close to me and I'll warp us right over!"

Just as Nayru was about to do just that, she managed to hear the Twili chorus singing somewhere off in the distance. Hearing this, she turned to face Malon with a quizzical look.

"Why are the Twili singing about wanting the two of you gone?"

Malon gave a sigh before answering.

"It's a long story. I'll tell you all about it later."

Nayru just gave a shrug to this response and snapped her fingers. Almost instantly, the three of them were warped out in a flash of blue light. With that, Malon and Yuna's adventure through the strange and random world came to an end. A world known only as... the Twilight Realm.

**xxx  
><strong>_Somewhere in the Twilight Realm Science Building..._

"Great. I'm in space."

After being sucked into the portal, Zant found himself floating helplessly through the Master Hand chamber. Apparently, Midna had created a portal on one of the asteroids when she was alone in the chamber. Unfortunately for Zant, the main platform had long since flown off and was nowhere in sight, leaving the Usurper King with no way of getting out. As he continued to float aimlessly along, he gave a large sigh.

"I wish I could take it all back. I honestly do. I honestly wish I could take it all back. That farmer girl was a nice person. I should've just stayed with her instead of trying to take over the Twilight Realm."

Zant suddenly put on his helmet before talking again.

"Way to state the obvious, you moron."

"Shut up Mr. Helmet."

Zant put away his helmet before continuing.

"Well, at least things can't get any worse, right?"

Suddenly, a white orb came into Zant's field of vision. As it came closer and closer, Zant could see that the orb was adorned with what looked like two breaker switch handles above and below its orange-colored eye. As soon as it noticed Zant, it immediately began to speak in a loud robotic voice.

"HI! I LIKE SPACE! I'M IN SPACE! I'M THE BEST OF SPACE!"

If things weren't bad enough, the space-obsessed core began to orbit around Zant with no sign of stopping anytime soon.

"Correction," Mr. Helmet stated. "It just got worse."

"SPAAAAAAAAAACE!"


	15. The Nintendo Baseball Classic

Sorry about the snail-pace update. I was busy battling a bunch of walrus men for the last month or so.

...

Anywho, to make up for the long wait, I made this chapter extra long! Hope you enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<br>****Ch 15: The Nintendo Baseball Classic**

Even with her limited knowledge of baseball, Malon could tell that most games weren't played on a stadium floating in the middle of the sky. Indeed, the final match of the Nintendo Baseball Classic was being held in the _Super Smash Bros. Brawl_ universe. In other words, the match was taking place at the world-famous Midair Stadium.

As soon as Malon, Nayru, and Yuna arrived, they could see that there was a long line of people at the entrance. However, once the crowd caught a glimpse of the Goddess of Wisdom, they immediately parted to let them through. Apparently, Nayru had a well-known reputation for smiting everyone within a mile radius if she grew impatient while waiting in line. Thanks to that, getting into the stadium was a cakewalk. Once they reached their seats, however, a different problem arose.

"Moo! How am I supposed to fit into one of these dinky little seats?"

Without a word, Nayru used her powers to turn a couple of the seats around them into a raised, rectangular platform that Yuna could lie on. Of course, the people who just had their seats disappear were less than happy about this.

"Hey! What's the big idea?" shouted a guy who looked suspiciously like the beggar from Kakariko Village. "I paid over a thousand rupees to see this game! I want my seat back right now, you blue-haired freak!"

Needless to say, the ER had a surprise visitors that day. Luckily for Nayru, none of the security guards bothered to arrest her seeing as how they were all afraid to even approach the violent goddess.

Meanwhile, Malon had to help Yuna get onto her modified seat. Several indignant 'moos' and swear words later, the farm girl finally succeeded in her task. After slumping down into her own seat, Malon took a good look at her surroundings. The three of them were seated on the eastern side of the stadium along with the rest of the Hylian fans. To the west was a large crowd of Toads, Piantas, Nokis, and other oddly-shaped inhabitants of the Mushroom Kingdom. As Malon continued to survey the area, her attention was attracted to the numerous vendors walking around the stadium with their strange goods.

"T-shirts! Buy your official Mushroom Kingdom Giants T-shirts here!"

"Looking for something to drink? Then buy some of our freshly squeezed Fairy Tears!"

"I got mushrooms for sale! Fresh mushrooms over here! I assure you, they're not illegal!"

Just as Malon was considering whether to buy something, Nayru shouted out to one of the passing vendors.

"Hey! I'd like one of those headbands with the Triforce symbols on it!"

"Sure thing! That'll be 250 rupees!"

"Can't you lower it to 150?"

"Sorry, but I can't do that. It's either 250 rupees or nothing."

Long story short, the ER got another visitor while Nayru got her headband. By now, most people had moved off so that there were a safe distance between them and Nayru. For the next several minutes, things were relatively calm. However, it soon became clear that the goddess was getting tired of waiting.

"When's the game going to start?" Nayru complained. "I'm getting sick of sitting around with nothing to do!"

"Umm... I'm sure it'll start soon enough," Malon cautiously replied.

"They better! And where are those commentators? It's about time they gave an overview of all the games so far!"

"Commentators?" Malon asked.

"They're people who narrate the games for you," Nayru explained.

"Oh. So they're kinda like the author who's narrating everything we're doing right now?"

"What?"

"Never mind."

"Okay... Anyways, I'm just hoping that the commentators for this match isn't..."

"Welcome to the final match of the Nintendo Baseball Classic! I'm Master Hand here with my good friend Crazy Hand at the Midair Stadium!"

"...them," Nayru finished with a face-palm.

"I must say Crazy, I've never seen a match more highly anticipated than this one!" Master Hand said through the speakers.

"Mwah ha ha ha ha! You're absolutely right, Righty! Even I'm twitching with anticipation! No, wait. I think I'm just having another mental breakdown."

"Oh, crap! Hurry up and take your medication before the game starts! I don't want a repeat of the Dreamland/Mushroom Kingdom game!"

"Mwah ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, I think your right about the medication. Please excuse me while I step out for a moment. In the meantime, Righty will entertain you with his stand-up comedy routine!"

"Wait, what? Hey, come back here! Umm... Soooo... What do you call a... Quick! Cut to the commercials!"

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"And we're back baseball fans!" Master Hand proclaimed. "There's still a few minutes before the players make their way to the field so let's quickly go over some of the highlights of last week's game! Play the video footage Crazy!"

The enormous screen located at the north end of the stadium suddenly lit up, showing a video clip of Mario scoring a home-run with a flaming bat.

"Look at that swing!" shouted Crazy Hand. "I have to say, Mario's fifth inning home-run against the Mute City Cardinals pretty much confirmed the Mushroom Kingdom Giants' place in the finals! What an intense game!"

"Right you are, Crazy! Despite a few early losses, the Giants still managed to plow on through to the finals! I guess they're known as the All-Star Sluggers for a reason! You know, I think everyone was expecting them to make it all the way here!"

"Of course they were! On the other hand, I don't think anyone was expecting this!"

The screen now showed Vaati (in sorcerer form) pitching a curveball to a Waddle-Dee. The orange puffball tried and failed to hit the ball with its bat, causing him to strike-out.

"Talk about a dark horse! The Hylian Dodgers was one of the last teams that I thought would make it to the finals! And yet, here they are!" Master Hand commented.

"Indeed, Righty! It seems the massive change in its players paid off! From what I know, almost every member of the old team was fired. It seems Rauru, Darunia, and Saria are the only players that managed to stay on the current team!"

"Talk about a big switch! But like you said, it paid off in the end! I'd say... Hold on. It appears that both teams are about to make their entrance right now!"

As Malon and the thousands of other fans watched, two large groups of people were suddenly warped into the center of the stadium. As expected, the entire stadium erupted in cheers.

"And it seems they're all here!" Crazy Hand shouted over the cheering. "On the side of the Mushroom Kingdom Giants are: Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Yoshi, Bowser, Wario, Waluigi, and Toad!"

The Giants, who were all wearing red, gave a wave to their fans causing the western side of the stadium to cheer louder than ever before.

"And challenging the Giants for the championship are the Hylian Dodgers! Give a round of applause for Rauru, Darunia, Saria, Vaati, the Happy Mask Salesman, Majora, Marin, Ooccoo, and Ghirahim!"

While the other Hylian fans went into a cheering frenzy, Malon turned to look at her aunt with a criticizing stare.

"Why does that Marin girl look like me from a different _LoZ_ game?" Malon asked.

"Umm... I don't know what you're talking about."

"Aunt Nayru..."

"Oh, alright! I was sick of our team always losing so I persuaded Farore to find us some decent baseball players even if she had to break the 'no going into different _LoZ_ dimensions' rule. From the look of things, it seems that she decided to travel through time as well to pick up Ooccoo and Ghirahim."

"How did you persuade Aunt Farore to do that? I thought she was the strict, live-by-the-rules type of person?"

"Pfft. You apparently need to spend some more time with Ms. Let's-give-Link-the-powers-of-a-god."

"What?"

"Nothing. Anyways, in answer to your question, I persuaded Farore to break the rules by solving one of those annoying _Professor Layton_ puzzles for her."

"She's still playing that game?" Malon asked with a sigh.

"She got the new one that just came out."

As Malon began shaking her head in an exasperated way, the Mushroom Kingdom Giants took up their positions on the field. Meanwhile, the Happy Mask Salesman came out to home plate with his oversized backpack still strapped onto him.

"Alright, Crazy! It seems that both teams are ready to begin! Pitching for the Giants is Mario himself! Starting things off for the Hylians is the enigmatic Happy Mask Salesman! You know, Crazy, it's been a while since we last saw the HMS on the field!"

"Indeed, Righty! The last game he was in was the Hylian vs. Dreamland game! From what I remember, he was the one who scored the final home-run for his team!"

"Let's see if he can pull off another one of those! By the way, Crazy, why hasn't the umpire shown up yet?"

"He said he had some business to take care of. Something about getting his chain-whip fixed... Wait! Here he is now! Give it up for... Tabuu!"

There was some mild applause as the blue, Subspace entity warped into the field. After acknowledging everyone with a wave, he created multiple copies of himself so that his clones were covering every base on the field. After the main Tabuu took up his position behind Bowser (the catcher), he gave a nob.

"Umm... Crazy. I think he's signaling for us to begin the game."

"Oh, right! I forgot he never talks. Okay. PLAY BALL!"

As everyone in the stadium watched, the HMS magically conjured up a baseball bat into his right hand. Meanwhile, his left hand was busily digging around in his giant backpack. After a while, he managed pull out what looked like a pair of yellow bunny ears and placed them on his head.

"And so it begins, Righty! The excitement is starting to make me... twitch... again... Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I love pickles!"

Master Hand gave an annoyed sigh before saying anything.

"Please excuse me while I take Crazy out for his medication."

"Hey, Righty! If we're giant, floating hands, how are we talking right now? Balapalooza!"

"Just start the game without us..."

"Rainbow unicorns for the win!"

The entire stadium was filled with an awkward silence as the sounds of Master Hand dragging away Crazy Hand faded into the distance. However, the silence was immediately broken when Mario decided to pitch the ball while the HMS was distracted. Tabuu immediately gave the signal for a strike while the Hylian side of the stadium rose up in outrage.

"You cheating plumber!"

"Death to the overweight mushroom-addict!"

"Go back to the sewers, you cheater!"

The shouting soon came to an abrupt end as Mario threw the ball once again. This time, however, the Happy Mask Salesman was ready.

With an almighty swing, the HMS sent the ball flying towards second base. Unfortunately, the hit was far from a home-run and Yoshi had positioned himself directly beneath the falling ball. In a miraculous turn of events, however, Yoshi failed to catch the fly ball. As it turned out, having an abnormally large nose in the front of your face had an adverse effect on one's vision. By the time Yoshi managed to find and pick up the ball, the HMS had already scored a run for the team. Mario was seen throwing his hat onto the ground in frustration while the Hylians erupted in cheers.

Unfortunately, the rest of the inning turned out to be a complete disaster for the Hylians. Following their early lead, Darunia, Marin, and Rauru all struck out. Once Mario and pals got up to bat, things only got worse. The Hylians suffered a home-run from Bowser, Wario, Luigi, and Mario before finally getting a field switch. By the end of the first inning, the score was 1:4, with the Giants pulling a huge lead. To make matters worse, Master Hand and Crazy Hand returned just as Saria was preparing to go up to bat.

"And we're back everyone!" Master Hand shouted out enthusiastically. "Let me just take a look at what's happened so far... Wow! Talk about an epic fail for the Hylians! I mean, really? 1:4 after the first inning? I don't think I've ever seen such a disadvantage this early on in the game!"

Everyone on the eastern side of the stadium turned to glare at the commentators box... including a certain goddess that just happened to have the power to shoot laser beams from her eyes. After the fire was put out, Crazy Hand continued with the commentary while Master Hand was out getting his third degree burns treated.

"Ahem. Let's get back to the game, shall we? Okay, it seems Saria is now batting for the Hylians at the start of the second inning! From the looks of things, the Hylians are trying to get Saria to first base using her tiny strike zone!"

Just as Crazy Hand predicted, Saria did get a walk after Mario failed to strike her out four times in a row. As soon as Saria took up her position on first base, Ooccoo got up to home plate while holding the bat in her mouth.

"It looks like the Hylians are going to use the same tactic twice in a row! It seems the Hylians are trying to load up the bases and then score a home-run to gain the lead once more! But I wonder if their plan will work against an elite team such as the Giants?"

As it turned out, the Hylians had nothing to worry about. Just like with Saria, Ooccoo got a free walk to first base thanks to her tiny size. With that, Saria was now on second with Ooccoo positioned at first.

"I'm not getting paid enough for this," Master Hand was heard saying as he returned to the charred commentators box. "Okay, Crazy. Fill me in on what's happened so far."

"The Hylians have their players on both first and second base! It seems Majora is getting ready to either load up the bases or score an equalizer for the team!"

"Ah. Okay, fans! It seems Majora is stepping onto the plate right now!"

Majora (in his mask form) gave a wave to the crowd with one of his many tentacles causing the Hylians to yell out in excitement once again. As soon as the crowd calmed down, Majora picked up the bat with two of his tentacles and took on his batting position.

"Here's the pitch! Majora takes a swing and... Strike one! Oooh! So close! I thought for sure that was going to be the equalizer! Okay, Mario's throwing his second pitch! It's a mean curveball! Majora takes a swing once again! It's... a hit! It's going... going... and it's a foul."

The Hylians all let out a simultaneous groan of disappointment as the ball flew off into the foul zone. Despite his horrible luck so far, Majora didn't seem fazed at all. He merely shook his head/body and took up the bat once more.

"I think this could be it folks!" Master Hand shouted. "It looks like Mario's going to end this with his flaming fastball!"

True enough, Mario was now holding a flame-cloaked ball in his hand. After giving Majora a sneer, the Italian plumber threw the ball with incredible speed. In fact, the ball flew off so fast that it looked like a blur even to Malon and Nayru. Luckily for the Hylians, however, Majora had a trick of his own ready. As soon as the ball left Mario's hand, Majora unleashed a wave of dark energy at the incoming projectile. Just like Majora had planned, the magic attack managed to slow the ball down just enough for him to actually see it. Without a moment's hesitation, Majora swung the bat with all the force he could muster.

"It's a hit!" Crazy Hand yelled out. "It's going... going... GONE! I don't believe it! The Hylians have tied the score 4:4!"

The cheering from the Hylians was so loud that many of the Mushroom Kingdom fans had to cover their ears to prevent themselves from becoming deaf. The cheering only increased in volume as Majora waved all of his tentacles to the crowd as he made his ceremonial lap around the bases.

"Holy Palutena! Is this really happening Crazy? Did the Hylians really just score an equalizer against the Giants?"

"I believe so Righty! It seems the Hylians actually have a chance at winning this!"

Once Majora returned to the dugout and the cheering had somewhat subsided, Ghirahim picked up his bat and made his way to home plate.

"Alright, Crazy! Let's see if the Hylians can follow-up that spectacular performance and pull out a lead! Heading onto the field right now is the Demon Lord himself! Everyone give it up for Ghirahim!"

Numerous cheers and boos were heard in response to Master Hand's comment. Ghirahim merely gave a yawn to all the noise and took up his position with a bored expression.

"It seems everyone's ready!" Crazy Hand narrated. "From the looks of things though, I'd say Mario's still a little shaken up by Majora's home-run! I wonder if he'll be able to pull himself together in time?"

"It looks like we're going to find out, Crazy! Here's the pitch! It's... way off to the right. Ball one!"

"I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, Righty! Well, we'll find out soon enough! Here's the second pitch! And... its way off again. Ball two!"

"What a turn of events! The Mushroom Kingdom Giant's star pitcher just can't seem to get it together! What's even more surprising is that Ghirahim's been taking a nap this whole time!"

Apparently, one of the benefits of being an almighty Demon Lord was having the ability to sleep while standing up. After Mario's first failed pitch, Ghirahim lost interest in the game and had fallen asleep while still holding his bat up.

"Well... this is a rather interesting tactic," Master Hand continued. "Perhaps Ghirahim's planning to walk to first base just like Ooccoo and Saria! Either way, Mario's not looking very happy right now! It seems he's rather ticked off by the fact that the batter fell asleep on him!"

Like Master Hand had commented, Mario was glaring at Ghirahim with a look of utter contempt. Suddenly, the plumber gave a loud yell as he threw the ball straight towards Ghirahim's face. Just before the ball made contact, however, Ghirahim (who was still asleep) moved up his hand to scratch his head. As fate would have it, the slight shift in Ghirahim's movement positioned the bat so that it was now right in front of his face. As a result, the ball bounced off the bat rather than hitting its intended target. To add to the strangeness of the situation, the bat ricocheted backwards to Ghirahim's head after being hit by the ball, giving the Demon Lord a rude awakening.

"It's a bunt! But it looks like either Ghirahim's not fully awake yet or he's not interested in running at all!" Crazy Hand shouted in a rush. "Bowser dives for the ball! He's got it!"

"I don't believe it Crazy! Ghirahim still hasn't moved an inch! What's he planning to do?"

"It doesn't look like he's going to do anything! Bowser tags him out!"

The Mushroom Kingdom fans all began to cheer and laugh at Ghirahim's laziness while the Hylians just stared at their batter with disbelief. Before any of the Hylians could say anything though, Ghirahim simply gave another yawn and walked over to Tabuu and whispered something to him. Tabuu immediately nodded and signaled to the two commentators.

"It seems the umpire wants us to go over the video of everything that's happened with the last hit!" Master Hand stated with a hint of confusion in his voice. "Well, you heard the man! Play the tapes, Crazy!"

Everyone turned to see the video of the last few minutes being played on the stadium's big-screen. At first, nothing seemed out of the ordinary as the video showed Bowser tagging Ghirahim out. At that point, however, Tabuu suddenly began to motion something to the two hands.

"Play it in slow motion?" Crazy Hand asked after seeing Tabuu's sign language. "Okay..."

Crazy Hand rewound the tape until it showed the ball bouncing off of Ghirahim's bat. With a press of a button, Master Hand started the video at a fraction of the original speed. What everyone saw next left them all speechless. As it turned out, Ghirahim had actually scored a run for the Hylians. By using his ability to teleport, he had actually warped to each and every one of the bases in the blink of an eye.

"Holy Maxim Tomato!" Master Hand blurted out as he realized what he was seeing. "Hey, Crazy! Is this run even legal?"

"I'm not sure, Righty. But it seems Tabuu's calling this a fair run!"

As the truth slowly dawned on the audience, the Hylian fans rose from their seats and began cheering like a bunch of maniacs. On the other side of the stadium, the Mushroom Kingdom fans rose up in protest and began complaining about how the run shouldn't be counted. In fact, Daisy actually approached the Tabuu closest to her (the one on second base) and began shouting at him. Unfortunately for her, Tabuu wasn't the type to tolerate players that questioned his call. Before Daisy could finish her insults and criticisms, Tabuu pulled out his chain-whip and lassoed the princess with it. In the blink of an eye, Daisy was thrown clear out of the stadium as Tabuu calmly put away his whip as if nothing had happened. All of the complaints immediately ceased after this.

"Ouch! It looks like Daisy found out not to mess with the umpire the hard way!" Crazy Hand narrated. "But what will the Giants do without one of their players?"

"It looks like they're requesting a time-out while they go out and retrieve their player!" Master Hand replied.

After a lengthy debate between Mario and Tabuu, the Giants received a fifteen minute time-out. Meanwhile, the fans used this time to take a breather from all the excitement that had been going on.

"Well, I'm going to get something to eat," Nayru told her niece as she got up. "You want anything?"

"No thanks. I'm good," Malon replied.

After Nayru left, Malon looked over to see how Yuna was doing. As expected she was fast asleep in her seat/platform/thing. Figuring that waking up Yuna wouldn't be such a good idea, Malon decided not to bother her. However, just as Malon was about to turn away, Yuna began muttering in her sleep. Curious, Malon leaned in closer to hear what Yuna was saying.

"zzz... this is... my story... zzz"

"Even in her sleep she's vain," Malon muttered while shaking her head.

Yuna offered no reply as she continued on sleeping. Knowing that there was no point in listening any further, Malon turned around and scanned the area for anything interesting to look at. As she looked over to her right, she noticed that the person sitting a few seats across from her was reading a newspaper. Normally, this wouldn't have interested her in the slightest but the large headline on the front page instantly caught her attention.

"What the...? Umm... excuse me sir. Can I take a look at the newspaper for a sec?" Malon asked.

"Huh? Oh, sure," the man (who looked suspiciously like the postman) answered as he handed over the papers.

Malon immediately flipped over to the front page and read the headline.

**DK Island Destroyed By Unknown Terrorists**

The rest of the page went on to detail how the entire island was obliterated by a group of mysterious figures wearing dark cloaks. Apparently, a crew member from a nearby merchant ship managed to take a picture of the supposed terrorists moments after the island was destroyed. Even with the poor picture quality, Malon could see tell that there were seven figures standing at one of the ruined docks of DK Island.

"Weird, huh?" the postman look-alike asked once Malon handed back the newspaper."First some nut-job decides to kill Fox and Kirby, and now this happens. Sometimes I question what this world is coming to."

Unfortunately, any further discussions were halted as Nayru reappeared carrying a mountain of hot dogs, pizzas, and hamburgers.

"What?" Nayru asked when she noticed Malon staring at the food pile with an open-mouth. "I was hungry."

The Mushroom Kingdom Giants returned to the stadium soon after that. As it turned out, Daisy had somehow survived the fall to the ground albeit with some minor cuts and bruises. All in all, she wasn't seriously hurt but she was seen glaring death at Tabuu for the rest of the game.

"Alright, fans! It looks like we're good to go!" Master Hand declared. "The score is currently 5:4 with the Hylians in the lead! Can the Hylians continue their winning streak or will the Giants turn this game around?"

"Let's find out, Righty!" Crazy Hand replied. "Play ball!"

**(Author's Note: I'm too lazy to write out a full game so I'll skip ahead a bit. Just be glad I didn't do what the fourth _Harry Potter_ movie did to the Quidditch World Cup. Honestly, what was the point of setting up the entire event if they weren't even going to show the game at all? Ahem. Yeah, I should stop ranting now. Anyways, back to your regularly scheduled program.)**

"This is it fans! It's the bottom of the ninth and the Hylians are leading with a score of 79:78! The Mushroom Kingdom Giants currently have two outs with Peach at second base! Coming up to bat now is Mario himself!" Master Hand commentated.

"This is it, Righty! It's the moment of truth! Will the Giants win their tenth championship trophy or will the Hylians actually win this year's Nintendo Baseball Classic?"

"Wait a second, Crazy! The Hylians are pulling out their current pitcher!"

"What? Why would they take out Rauru at a time like this? He's been throwing strike after strike for three innings in a row!"

"I don't know but it seems like many of the Hylian fans are agreeing with you, Crazy! Just listen to that uproar!"

"It seems that... hold on a second! Is that who I think it is?"

"Purple shirt, purple hat, pale skin... GREAT FLYING ALPACAS! It's the Hylians' ace pitcher! It's... VAATI!"

As expected, the Hylians went nuts as the dark sorcerer made his way to the pitcher's mound. After picking up the ball, Vaati gave a complimentary wave to the crowd as well as blowing a few kisses to some of his lucky fangirls. As fate would have it, one of the people that Vaati aimed his kiss at was Nayru herself. However, instead of vaporizing the sorcerer, the goddess actually started giggling like a typical fangirl at Vaati's gesture.

"Er... Aunt Nayru? Are you blushing?" Malon asked in confusion.

"Huh? Oh, of... of course not!" Nayru replied in a very flustered way.

"Then why are you suddenly waving around that banner that says 'I LOVE YOU VAATI!' written on it?"

"Umm..."

Nayru was spared a response as Master Hand and Crazy Hand continued on with their commentary.

"I don't believe what I'm seeing here, Crazy! I thought Vaati injured his arm after pitching for five consecutive innings at the last game!"

"It seems that he's made of stronger stuff than we gave him credit for! But from the way he's holding the ball, I'd say he's still a little sore from his previous ordeal! Can Vaati actually take out Mario in his current state?"

"I honestly don't have an answer for that, Crazy! The only thing the Hylians can hope for now is that Mario is equally tired as well! But from that aggressive stance that the plumber's using right now, I'd say that hope is rather far-fetched!"

"Either way, it all comes down to this!"

"Alright folks! This is the beginning of the end! Here's the pitch! And it's... Ball one! It seems Vaati's trying to play mind games with Mario right now! But will it work?"

"Looks like we'll find out soon enough, Righty! Here's the second pitch! It's... a hit! The ball's heading towards third base! This is going to be close! It's... it's... a foul!"

All of the Hylians let out a sigh of relief while the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom let out various sounds of disappointment.

"That was close, Crazy! I'd say it was only about a foot away from a home-run!" Master Hand reported.

"It seems the Hylians got lucky there, Righty! Let's see if their luck holds, though! Anyways, here's Vaati with the third pitch! It's a far one to the right! Mario doesn't take the bait! Ball two!"

"Vaati must be really pressured right now! With only a single strike, Mario definitely has the advantage here! I wonder if Vaati can even muster up the nerve to throw the ball into the strike zone right now?"

"If he wants to win, he better! Here's the next pitch! It's... Strike two! Mario swung too early!"

"It looks like Vaati's not going give Mario a chance to compose himself! He's already winding up for another pitch!"

"It's... Ball three!" Crazy Hand shouted out.

"This match is really coming down to the wire! You can actually feel the tension in the air, Crazy!"

"Indeed, Righty! With a 3-2 count, this next pitch will definitely determine the winner of this game! But with Vaati in such poor shape, can he actually throw out a strike?"

"I doubt it, Crazy! It seems the Giants are... Wait a second. Is it just me or is Vaati... glowing?"

As everyone watched, dark energy began to gather around Vaati until his whole form was hidden inside a veil of darkness.

"Umm... what's Vaati doing?" Crazy Hand asked.

"I don't..."

Master Hand was cut off as the dark energy around Vaati exploded outward. As the audience watched with their mouths open, Vaati revealed his new form with an unsettling laugh. Standing in the sorcerer's place was a gigantic eyeball with two, clawed arms made up of shadowy balls of energy.

"It's Vaati's Wrath!" Crazy Hand shouted as Vaati infused the baseball in his hand with the same dark energy that cloaked his entire body.

"I haven't seen him take this form since the game against the Earthbound Sox!" Master Hand declared in a nervous tone.

"And for good reason! The last time he took this form, the entire stadium was destroyed!" Crazy Hand replied in panic. "Everyone run for your lives!"

Just as everyone in the stadium began to make a mad dash for the exit, Vaati threw the ball. To everyone's surprise, Mario didn't flee in terror at the sight of a gigantic eyeball monster hurtling an energy-infused baseball at him. Instead, the plumber used his powers to set the bat on fire as he waited for the ball to reach him. Moving faster than anyone could believe, Mario managed to make a hit. As soon as the bat made contact, an enormous explosion occurred which blasted anyone standing off of their feet.

"HOLY NARWHALS! HE ACTUALLY HIT IT!" Master Hand quickly shouted as he returned to the commentators box. "THE BALLS SAILING PAST SECOND BASE WITH NO SIGN OF STOPPING! THE GIANTS HAVE WON THE...!"

Master Hand's call turned out to be a little too preemptive. Just as the ball was about to cross the boundary of the stadium, it was blocked by the most unexpected of things: a seagull. Indeed, the ball crashed into the bird midair and fell directly into the Happy Mask Salesman's waiting glove. The entire stadium became absolutely silent as they tried to make sense of what had just happened.

"Who...? How...? Where did that seagull come from?" Crazy Hand managed to ask after a few seconds.

His question was answered as the aforementioned seagull flew over and landed at the pitcher's mound. Before everyone's unbelieving eyes, the seagull transformed into a very concussed Marin. Even in her injured state, she still managed to raise up a hand and make a victory sign before falling over.

"I... I don't believe it!" Master Hand shouted out into the silence. "It seems Marin actually had the ability to turn into a seagull! But... but that means..."

"THE HYLIANS HAVE WON THE NINTENDO BASEBALL CLASSIC!"

As the realization of this fact sunk in, the Hylians practically exploded. They began cheering and celebrating like a bunch of maniacs. In fact, the noise got so loud that some of the R.O.B.s on the Isle of the Ancients exploded from the intensity of the sound.

"WE WON! WE ACTUALLY WON!" Nayru yelled as she began dancing around in joy with the postman look-alike next to her.

Even Malon couldn't stop herself as she began shaking Yuna while shouting "WE WON!" over and over again.

"MOO! WHAT'S HAPPENING?" Yuna yelled in shock after being so abruptly awakened.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED! THE HYLIANS WON THE GAME!" Malon shouted as she began hopping up and down in her excitement.

"So its finally over. Ugh. I thought it would never end," Yuna replied in her usual sarcastic tone.

Malon paid little attention to her as the entire Hylian team assembled around Marin. After seeing that she was alright, they lifted her up onto their shoulders and began celebrating with the rest of the fans.

After a few more minutes of crazed cheering, the fans noticed Tabuu making his way to the center of the stadium after dispersing his clones. Once he got there, the Subspace deity summoned a large, golden trophy that was shaped like a N64 to his hand. As the Hylians watched in awe, Tabuu presented the trophy to the team. Vaati (who was back in his sorcerer form) and Marin took the trophy together and triumphantly raised it up into the air. Needless to say, a few more R.O.B.s were destroyed from the ensuing applause.

"And so the Hylians have won their first ever trophy at the Nintendo Baseball Classic!" Master Hand commentated once things quieted down somewhat. "What a match! This is definitely a game that will be forever remembered in history!"

"Right you are, Righty! We definitely saw history in the making!" Crazy Hand replied. "Well, that's it for this year! We hope to see you all at the next Nintendo Baseball Classic as well! I'm Crazy Hand..."

"And I'm Master Hand..."

"And we wish you all a safe trip home! Good night!"

**xxx**

Malon and Yuna both waited impatiently on the outfield while Nayru was busy trying to get an autograph from Vaati. The sorcerer in question was currently surrounded by a pack of fangirls that looked ready to maul him.

"Ugh. Why can't she hurry up already?" Yuna shouted out in frustration. "We've been standing here for hours!"

"Even I'm getting bored right now," Malon simply commented in response to Yuna's rant.

However, the pair's boredom was soon interrupted as they noticed Majora flying away in terror as the Happy Mask Salesman ran after him with the Bunny Hood on.

"I'm never going back to that filthy backpack of yours!" Majora was heard yelling as he tried to lose his pursuer.

After a few more minutes of this comical chase, the HMS finally managed to corner Majora at the field's foul zone. Malon and Yuna watched in amazement as the Happy Mask Salesman suddenly blasted the giant mask with what looked like purple lightning. As soon as the lightning made contact, Majora began to shrink down in size while his tentacles began to disappear as well. In a matter of seconds, Majora was transformed into his original mask state. Moving quickly, the Happy Mask Salesman scooped up the now-motionless mask and threw it into his giant backpack.

Before either Yuna or Malon could comment on this strange event, Nayru returned with Vaati's autograph in hand.

"This is going straight onto my bedroom wall!" Nayru squealed out as she hugged the piece of paper. When she noticed Malon and Yuna staring at her like she was crazy, she immediately warped the autograph away and took on a sheepish look.

"So... who's up for dinner?" Nayru quickly asked in an effort to change topics.

"Moo! Pass. I'm not that hungry right now."

"What about you Malon? I'm in an awesome mood right now so I'll buy," the goddess added.

"Sounds great! But what about Yuna?"

"I can teleport her to Kokiri Forest," Nayru answered simply. "She can wait for you there."

"But what if she wanders around and gets lost?"

"What am I, your puppy?" Yuna asked indignantly.

Nayru ignored Yuna as she explained her solution to Malon question. "That won't be a problem. I'll just warp you to wherever the cow is once we're done with dinner."

"I guess that'll work. You okay with this arrangement, Yuna?" Malon asked.

"Moo! Just make it quick or I might start 'wandering' as you put it."

"Sure thing. Let's get going Aunt Nayru!"

**xxx**

Malon's expectations of a nice, homely dinner were instantly shattered the moment she was teleported into the restaurant that Nayru had chosen. Simply put, the place looked like something between a diner and a bar. Numerous tables were placed haphazardly around the place without any organization. A few dead potted plants littered the area as if somebody had tried and failed to decorate the place. To add to this already unfriendly image, a bunch of burly-looking men in army uniforms were currently partying in a drunken craze.

"Let's try and get a table, shall we?" Nayru cheerfully said as she dragged Malon over to a table in the corner.

Not long after they were seated, a gum-cracking waitress appeared to take their order.

"What do you want?" the irritated looking woman demanded.

"Give us five orders of barbeque ribs along with a bottle of brandy for me," Nayru simply stated.

The waitress quickly jotted down the order on her notepad and walked away. At that moment, a few of the soldiers got up on a table and began singing like a bunch of drunken sailors.

"This place seems to be rather popular," Malon commented as she surveyed the chaos surrounding her.

"Well, this place is famous for its ribs," Nayru told her niece. "Still, even I'm surprised at how crowded this place is today."

Before Nayru could say anything else, a loud voice suddenly shouted out from the other side of the room.

"Attention everyone! I have a very important announcement to make!"

All of the soldiers immediately fell silent as they turned to look at the mystery speaker. Malon turned to look as well but one of the potted plants blocked her view. Even so, she could still see that the speaker was a young man who was currently standing on top of one of the tables. From the looks of the large beer mug in his hand and the way he was swaying, it was apparent that the guy was just as drunk as half the people in the room.

"Ahem! In honor of our great victory, I'm going to buy everyone's dinner tonight! That's right! Eat and drink as much as you want! Everything's on me!"

This news was instantly met with loud cheers as the speaker lost his balance and fell over backwards off the table. However, just before he disappeared into the crowd of drunken soldiers, Malon noticed that the young man had spiky blond hair and was wearing a black cape-like cloak.

"Woohoo! Talk about a lucky day for me!" Nayru shouted out as she began cheering as well.

"Hmm... I wonder what he meant by great victory," Malon mused, unaffected by the commotion around her.

"He was probably talking about the baseball game," the goddess replied. "Either way, who cares? We're pretty much getting an all-you-can-eat offer for free!"

"I don't know. Something just doesn't feel right to me."

"You need to learn to relax more. Anyways, here's our order of ribs! Let's eat!"

**xxx  
><strong>_Lost Woods..._

After finishing their meal, Nayru teleported her niece to Yuna's location just like she said she would.

"Thanks for taking us to the baseball game, Aunt Nayru! It was the best birthday gift ever!" Malon called out.

"No problem, kiddo," Nayru said as she began charging up her warp spell again. "Oh, and by the way. If you see your mom around, tell her to get her ass back up to the Divine Realm. She's been out for almost three days now and the paperwork's starting to stack up again."

"Your telling that to the wrong person," Malon replied, her cheerful look slowly changing into a forlorn frown. "I haven't seen mom since she left twelve years ago."

"Oh... Hey, don't let it get to you. Din may be a temperamental idiot but she cares about you as much as I'd like to kill Farore. And that's saying something. Anyways, she'll probably go over to visit you once this whole Hero of Time business is over."

"I hope your right about that."

"Of course I'm right!" Nayru replied brightly. "You'll never find a more knowledgeable goddess than me after all! Well, I gotta go now. Take care of yourself, alright?"

As Malon nodded in response, Nayru disappeared in her usual flash of blue.

"Moo! Is it finally over? Can we please get moving now?"

"Sure," Malon replied in a glum voice as she began making her way through the forest. Yuna quickly followed behind as they made their way further and further into the dark forest. After walking on in silence for a while, Yuna decided to question Malon's uncharacteristic gloominess.

"Hey! What's with that brooding attitude of yours? Are you still depressed about not seeing your mother?" Yuna asked.

Malon gave a large sigh before answering. "I know I shouldn't be thinking like this but I'm just worried that mom's purposely avoiding me. I mean, she is a goddess and has a lot of responsibilities, but she could at least spare a few minutes to come over and say hi every once in a while."

"Maybe she's busier than she's letting on. Maybe she's got other matters that she has to attend to."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Maybe she's a caped crusader who goes out at night to beat up criminals or something," Yuna replied nonchalantly

Malon couldn't help but laugh at that remark. Even Yuna gave a small smile at the absurdity of what she had just said.

After her fit of laughter ceased, Malon turned to her friend with a smile back on her face."Thanks, Yuna. I needed that."

"No problem."

"I suppose there's no point in worrying about these types of things. All I can do for now is... Ooh! What's that?"

Malon suddenly veered off to the side as Yuna followed along in confusion. After chasing after the farm girl for a bit, Yuna finally saw the thing that had gotten Malon's attention.

"It's... a tree," Yuna said unenthusiastically.

"Wrong! It's a tree with a giant hole in it!"

"And why would that be important?"

"Haven't you ever played video games before? A giant hole like this one means that its an entrance to a new area!"

"So...?"

"This is probably the entrance to Kokiri Forest!"

"Oh. Well then, let's get going."

Malon and Yuna quickly made their way through the tree, only to find themselves in a large open area with a bunch of oversized tree stumps around them.

"Moo! This is Kokiri Forest?"

"Of course not, silly! These stumps lead to that giant tree on that cliff over there! And look! That tree has a hole in it as well! That must be the real entrance!"

"There's no way I can get up there. Ugh. Looks like you'll have to carry me again."

Malon quickly obliged and picked up Yuna with her right hand. A few jumps later, the two of them were directly in front of the tree mentioned before. After letting Yuna down, the two heroes bravely walked into the cave-like hole.

"Wow. This is one big tree," Yuna commented after walking along for a few seconds.

"Not to mention dark. I can't even see my own hands when I put them in front of my face."

"Yeah, it is pretty dark in here. I wonder if..."

At that moment, the ground beneath Malon and Yuna disappeared. Due to the darkness, the two of them had failed to notice the giant pit that was in front of them. As a result, the two heroes found themselves falling straight to their next great misadventure...

in Termina!

"Moo! That must have been the worst use of a LittleKuriboh joke in the history of the world!"

Shut up Yuna.


	16. What Happens in Termina Pt 1

Let's see what I can use as an excuse for my slow update this time. Hmm. Maybe these will do.  
>1. I was busy playing Skyward Sword.<br>2. I was busy reading all the reviews about Skyward Sword.  
>3. I was busy hunting down the idiot who gave Skyward Sword a 7.5 out of 10 on gamespot.<br>4. I was busy looking online to see if anyone would sell me a real Death Note that I could use on the reviewer mentioned above.

Anyways, back to the story.  
>This is the chapter where the plot finally begins to unravel. I'm sure most you can figure out who the mysterious leader is by the end of this... debacle. Even if you don't figure it out, that's fine. I'll announce in the story... someday.<p>

Also, I'd like to thank everyone who's reviewed my story so far. I'd normally just send a thank-you message but there were a lot of anonymous reviewers this time so I'll just thank all of you here. Also, special thanks to GLaDOS (the reviewer, not the AI) who composed an edited version of "Still Alive" for the Twilight Realm Science chapters. Here's a virtual combustible lemon as a gift.

I think I've babbled long enough. Let's get on with the story.

* * *

><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<br>****Ch 16: What Happens In Termina... Pt.1**

"Great. We actually managed to fall down two bottomless pits in the same week. It must be some kind of record."

"Cheer up, Yuna. At least this bottomless pit has something interesting to look at while we're falling. Hey! Look at that doodle over there! Doesn't it look like a Zora?"

"I'd say it looks more like a deformed coconut than anything else."

"Ooh! Look at that one! It looks like a Deku Sprout!"

"Can you stop getting distracted by these flying doodles and figure out a way to... FLOWER!"

"Huh? What are you...?"

Malon quickly realized what her companion was talking about when she landed directly on top of an oversized, purple flower. Unfortunately, Malon didn't have much time to ponder about the strange flora as Yuna came hurtling down moments later and proceeded to flatten her.

"...Yuna... please get off of me before I throw you off..."

Knowing that Malon could easily throw her all the way to Death Mountain if she wanted to, Yuna quickly got off of the crushed farm girl.

"Ugh. Know I know how Sasuke felt when I killed him," Malon muttered as she got up and dusted herself. "Anyways, where exactly are we?"

"How the hell should I know? You're the one who dragged us into this mess!"

Malon ignored Yuna's outburst as she calmly surveyed the area. Aside from the large flower that the two of them were standing on and the shallow body of water surrounding them, there really wasn't much to look at. However, as Malon's eyes adjusted to the dim light, she noticed a stone door on the opposite side of the cavern. Having nowhere else to go, the farm girl began to walk towards it.

"Moo! Where do you think you're going?"

"Hopefully the way out of here. Now, come on. I want to reach Kokiri Forest by the end of the day. Oh, and tell me if you see any Mogmas. I've always wanted to meet one since I was a kid."

"A what?"

"A Mogma. You know, those mole people from _Skyward Sword_? I figured we're so far underground that we might actually meet one here."

"Okay..."

"Anyways, let's get moving."

With that, Malon opened the door and the two of them made their way deeper into the underground world. Unfortunately for Yuna, the next two chambers were littered with numerous holes and pits that needed to be jumped across.

"Moo! You know what to do," Yuna stated to her companion with a large sigh.

Long story short, Malon safely carried Yuna all the way to the end of the last chamber. Once they had a moment to catch their breath, Malon noticed that a long, twisting hallway lay in front of them.

"Okay, now I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with the air down here," Malon commented as they began to walk down the hallway. "I mean, what's with all the weird stuff we've been seeing so far? First we fall down an abnormally deep pit, which, should I remind you, was inside a giant tree. After that, we land on top of an overgrown flower that somehow managed to survive without any sunlight. Then, if all that weren't enough, we find ourselves walking down a twisting hallway that allows us to defy gravity."

"Moo! Why do I get the feeling that things are only about to get weirder?"

As it so happened, Yuna prediction actually turned out to be true. Once the hallway ended, Malon and Yuna found themselves inside some kind of large tower. In front of them, a giant waterwheel was seen spinning while the sounds of numerous turning gears were heard all around them.

As soon as the two heroes had fully entered the room, the way back was instantly sealed off by a large stone door. However, after their adventure through the Twilight Realm, this barely fazed Malon or Yuna at all. Knowing that the only way out now was to go forward, the two of them made their way up the ramps leading to the top of the tower's interior. Funnily enough, waiting for them at the top was the strangest sight that the two of them had ever laid their eyes upon. Right in the middle of the room was a rectangular, conference desk with a Wallmaster, Like-Like, and a Redead seated around it.

"Alright, I admit the last council was a giant failure but this time it'll be different," the Wallmaster was heard telling its fellow council members.

"It better be," the Redead responded. "Man, I still can't believe we actually crossed over to a different story to hold this meeting."

"Well, we really didn't have much of a choice. It was either run away to a different story or get torn apart by that deranged... farmer... girl... SHIT! IT'S HER! SHE'S COME BACK TO KILL US ALL!" the Like-Like shouted in panic as it noticed Malon standing right behind them.

Hearing this, the Wallmaster and Redead ran out of the Clock Tower in the blink of an eye. The Like-Like spent a few extra seconds swallowing up the entire conference desk before following its fellow monsters out of the tower.

"Umm..." was all Malon managed to say after seeing this strange event.

"Moo! What's wrong with this place?" Yuna suddenly burst out. "I swear, if I see another weird thing in the next five minutes, I'm going to...!"

"You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?"

Malon and Yuna quickly turned around to find the smiling face of none other than the Happy Mask Salesman himself.

As expected, Yuna gave a loud 'moo' in surprise while Malon instinctively took on her battle stance. However, she quickly realized the identity of the person standing in front of her and lowered her fists.

"Hey, aren't you that baseball player from the Hylian Dodgers?" Malon inquired.

"Indeed, I am," the enigmatic man answered with a big smile. "Oh, but where are my manners? I forgot to introduce myself! Ahem. I am the Happy Mask Salesman. I travel far and wide in search of masks..."

"Sounds like a pretty dull life," Yuna pointed out.

"Oh, not really. You have no idea of the strange things I've encountered during my travels. Why, just a few days ago I met a man who could balance a coconut on his head while playing the ukulele at the same time."

"..."

"Anyhow, it seems the two of you have unwittingly walked straight into a rather unfortunate affair," the Happy Mask Salesman continued.

"What are you talking about?" Malon asked.

"My, my. It seems you really don't know anything about this place at all. Very well. I think it would be a lot simpler to just show you what I'm talking about."

With that, the HMS began to walk towards the door leading out of the Clock Tower. After exchanging confused looks, Malon and Yuna followed after the strange man.

As the three of them exited the Clock Tower, Malon could tell that they were now in the middle of a large, bustling town. The residents were all busily milling around as they rushed to get their daily jobs done. As a result, none of them noticed the appearance of the three figures emerging from within the tower.

"I don't see anything wrong with this place," Malon stated after looking around the area.

The Happy Mask Salesman gave a creepy little laugh before replying. "Try looking above the Clock Tower."

Malon and Yuna quickly heeded his words and glanced upwards.

"Moo! Look at the moon! It's got a face on it! And it looks so... confused..."

Just like Yuna had stated, an enormous moon was ominously hovering above the Clock Tower, threatening to crush the land beneath it. To make matters even stranger, the moon also seemed to have a face on it that was currently making an O.O expression as it slowly got closer and closer to the town.

"What's going on? Why's the moon trying to crush this place?" Malon asked the HMS.

Before the salesman could answer, childish laughter drifted down from the top of the Clock Tower. Malon immediately zoomed in on the laughing figure and froze as she recognized the giant, floating mask far above her.

"Hey, isn't that Majora?" she asked her companions in confusion. "I thought Mr. Creepy Mask Man here captured him and threw him into his backpack after the baseball game ended."

However, as Malon looked more closely, she noticed that there were a few distinct differences between Majora and the mask she was currently looking at. For starters, this mask was colored pink instead of purple. Also, it didn't have spikes along its sides like Majora had. Aside from all that though, the mask was an almost exact replica of Majora.

Noting the farm girl's confusion, the Happy Mask Salesman gave another creepy laugh before offering an explanation.

"As you might have noticed by now, that mask up there is not Majora."

"Moo! Then who is that?"

"This might be a bit of a surprise but that mask you see up there is..." The Happy Mask Salesman paused to add in some dramatic effect. "...Majora's younger sister: Minora!"

As soon as the HMS finished his explanation, Minora suddenly started to shout out a standard villain's monologue to the people of Clock Town. Or in this case, not so standard.

"Alright! Only three more days until I cause the end of the world! Honestly, I don't see why big brother was always complaining about how hard his job was! This is easier than the first test chamber in _Portal_! Anyways, mom's going to be so proud of me when she hears that I managed to destroy an entire world by myself!"

Suddenly, a tomato went flying past Minora, narrowly missing her face/body.

"What? Who dares to throw a tomato at the great and powerful Minora?" she shouted out in rage.

"I did!" one of the town guards shouted back. "You've been shouting out monologues after monologues for the last three days! Would it kill you to shut up for five minutes?"

While Minora and the town guard continued to argue, the HMS turned to face Malon and Yuna once again.

"Anywho," the Happy Mask Salesman stated, "I'll require both your help in stopping the moon. While I'm busy confronting Minora, I want the two of you to go out and find the four giants. I'm still not sure if Minora sealed them away or if they're just out to lunch but you should be able to find them at each of the four temples. Also, try and help as many people as you can during your journey. You might get some valuable items along the way..."

"Moo! Give us one good reason why we should help you!"

"I thought you might ask that," the HMS said with an even bigger smile than usual. "If you help me stop this current moon problem, I'll help you get out of Termina _and_ show you the way to Kokiri Forest."

"How did you...?" Malon asked in surprise.

"I have my sources. So, are you willing to help me out?"

Malon took a look at the giant moon above her before giving a nod.

"Excellent! Now, to help you on your quest, I'll give you this _Official Majora's Mask Strategy Guide_. It might not be 100% accurate but it should give you a basic layout of all the major locations you need to visit."

"Thanks... I guess," Malon said as she took the strategy guide. "Hey, hold on a second. Why's there a bunch of pages missing from this guidebook?"

"I took out some of the information that wouldn't have been much help to you," the Happy Mask Salesman simply replied. "Speaking of which, there's a few places that I must absolutely forbid you from going to."

"Why?" Malon asked inquisitively.

"Let's just say that it can cause the end of the universe as we know it," the HMS quickly said in an undertone.

"Moo! End of the universe? What are you talking about?"

"Anyways," the Happy Mask Salesman continued, ignoring Yuna entirely, "try not to go near a place called the Stock Pot Inn. Also, avoid the Milk Bar at all costs. In fact, try to stay clear of East Clock Town altogether."

"What..."

"And finally," the HMS interrupted in a very serious voice, "Do **NOT** go near Milk Road under any circumstances. Aside from that feel free to explore anyplace you want."

"Umm..."

"Moo! Whatever. As long as you keep your end of the deal, we'll go along with your crazy plan."

"Glad to hear that," the HMS replied. "Now then, shall we get moving?"

"Hold on a second," Malon blurted out as a sudden thought crossed her mind. "Wouldn't it be easier to just let me destroy both Minora and the moon? I could take care of this problem in less than two minutes."

"And let you have all the fun?" the Happy Mask Salesman replied as he began digging around in his backpack with his right hand. "I don't think so."

Malon and Yuna stared as the Happy Mask Salesman pulled out a lightsaber hilt from his backpack.

"Minora!" the HMS suddenly shouted out to the giant mask, "I challenge you to a duel! And I'm not talking about card games!"

Minora stopped raging at the town guard and quickly noticed the lightsaber that the Happy Mask Salesman was holding.

"Ooh! A lightsaber battle!" Minora enthusiastically called out. "I haven't participated in one of those in years! Alright, I accept your challenge! Prepare to die!"

As soon as she was done talking, Minora immediately concentrated her energy and began to change her form. Once the transformation was complete, she looked almost exactly like Majora's Incarnation except that her body was colored pink instead of purple. Without wasting a second, Minora summoned her own lightsaber to her newly formed hand.

With their preparations complete, both fighters took their battle stances and activated their weapons. As Malon and Yuna looked, they noticed that the Happy Mask Salesman's lightsaber had a purple blade while Minora's was red. After a lengthy stand-off, the HMS suddenly jumped up all the way to the top of the Clock Tower, signaling the beginning of the greatest lightsaber battle in the history of Termina.

"Moo! Is it just me or is that _Duel of Fates_ playing in the background?"

Malon and Yuna both turned their eyes away from the battle atop the Clock Tower and noticed the town guard from earlier holding a MP3 player in his hand.

"What?" he replied innocently. "I just thought I might set the mood with some epic music. After all, you can't have a proper lightsaber battle without _Duel of Fates_ playing in the background."

After a few minutes of awkward silence, Yuna brought Malon's attention back to the matter at hand.

"We're wasting time here," Yuna commented. "Let's hurry up and save those giants so we can get out of this place."

"Agreed," Malon answered as the two of them proceeded to walk towards one of the many exits leading out of South Clock Town.

As it turned out, the exit that Malon and Yuna had chosen to walk through led them to West Clock Town instead of leading them out to the field.

"Do you even know where you're going?" Yuna asked suspiciously as the two of them continued to wander around aimlessly.

"Not really. I just figured we'd eventually find our way out of here if we continued to walk around," Malon answered sheepishly.

"Ugh. I've heard that before," Yuna muttered. "Look, just use the guide book that freaky mask guy gave us!"

"We can't. He ripped out all the pages that details this place."

"Damn it! Now what are we supposed to do? We've got 72 hours until a moon crushes the town and we can't even find our way out of the main hub!"

"Why don't we ask around for directions?"

"Moo! No! I will not have a repeat of the Kakariko Village incident!"

"Oh, come on. It's not like we're asking for something difficult this time. I'm sure somebody here knows the way out of town."

With that, Malon went over to the person closest to her and began her inquiry.

"Excuse me! Can you tell me... Hey! Aren't you that beggar from Kakariko Village?" Malon asked as she realized who she was talking to. "What are you doing here?"

"Umm... You must be mistaking me for somebody else," the strange, kneeling man replied as he continued to pat his knees. "I'm actually this town's banker."

"Really? Because you look almost exactly like that beggar I met before. I mean, I'm pretty sure there aren't that many guys around in green suits that pat their knees all day long."

"For your information, I'm just trying to get the blood flowing through my legs," the banker replied irritably.

"Why? Is it against some banker's code to stand up?" Malon questioned.

"No. I accidentally super-glued myself to this table when I was a kid. I've been stuck here for over ten years."

"..."

"Moo! Enough with the pointless chit-chat! Can you just tell us how to get out of this weirdo town?"

Surprisingly, the banker didn't seem astonished at all that Yuna could talk. Then again, considering Termina's daily attraction of weirdos, a talking cow wasn't exactly much of a sight.

"Oh, you want to get to Termina Field? Just head up the stairs and take the first exit on the left."

"Finally! We actually managed to get an intelligent answer for once!" Yuna exclaimed as she started making her way towards the exit.

"Well, thanks for the help, Mr. Banker!" Malon called out as she hurried along to catch up with Yuna. "Good luck with getting yourself off that table!"

As the banker waved goodbye to the two of them, Malon and Yuna made their way to the top of the stairs. After getting permission from the guard to exit the town, the two heroes made their way out and got their first look at Termina Field.

"Moo! And I thought Hyrule Field was small," Yuna commented.

Malon didn't respond as she skimmed through the guide book in her hands. Until now, Malon had thought that she would take Yuna along with her. However, after looking through some of the temples that they needed to go through, she realized that taking Yuna along would be too time-consuming. After much deliberation, Malon decided that going solo was the best option.

"Hey, Yuna. I think it would be a good idea if I take on these temples by myself," Malon cautiously pointed out to her companion. "This way, we can save time and get out of this world much more quickly. Besides, I'm pretty sure you don't want to be carried through a poisoned swamp or a zombie-infested canyon."

Yuna didn't reply right away as she went over what the farm girl had just said. Just when Malon was beginning to think that Yuna was going to insult her for bringing up such a ludicrous plan, Yuna gave a small nod.

"Moo! I might not like the idea of setting you loose without any supervision but your plan does make sense. Alright. I'll be inside the town while you're off breaking stuff. We can meet back up at the entrance to the Clock Tower exactly three hours from now. I'm sure you can get through at least one or two temples during that time."

"Umm... How am I supposed tell what time it is while I'm on the go?"

"There's a giant clock tower in the middle of the town, genius. Figure it out."

"Oh, okay. I'll try to get through as many temples as I can during that time," Malon cheerfully replied "Oh. And try to avoid all the steakhouses while you're going around town. It'd be a shame for you to become a prime rib dinner special after making it this far."

"Just get moving already."

"Sure. See you in three hours!"

With that, Malon ran off in the direction of the Southern Swamp. As Yuna watched the farm girl's retreating figure, she couldn't help but feel that she had just released a devastating force upon the world.

**xxx  
><strong>_The Mushroom Kingdom..._

Din cautiously surveyed her surrounding area to make sure that she wasn't being followed. After confirming that she was indeed alone, she continued her journey through the dark alleyways of the Mushroom Kingdom's crime-infested underbelly.

Unbeknownst to anyone, Din had been secretly gathering information on the mysterious terrorists that had been targeting the Nintendo universe. For the last few weeks, she had set up contacts with every influential organization that could provide her with information. After waiting a couple of days without any news, Din finally managed to receive a tip-off from the Goomba mafia about a potential informant who was in the area. Upon hearing the news, the goddess immediately set out for the Mushroom Kingdom.

According to her sources, the informant was recently seen around the Tanooki District. As everyone living in the Mushroom Kingdom already knew, the Tanooki District was the single, largest haven for all of Nintendo's criminals. As if to prove the area's hostility, a group of Waddle-Dees had tried to mug Din just a few minutes after she had warped in. It goes without saying that a lot of charred puffballs were left behind at the scene as the goddess continued onward in search of her mysterious contact.

After roaming the shady streets for a couple of hours without anybody contacting her, Din decided to call it quits. With her thoughts set on roasting the entire Goomba mafia for sending her on a wild goose chase, Din walked into a lone alleyway to discretely teleport out of the realm. However, just as the goddess finished charging up her warp spell, a voice spoke out from the shadows behind her.

"Leaving so soon? I have to say, I never met a detective quite as impatient as you."

Hearing this, Din immediately canceled her spell and turned around. After catching a glimpse of the speaker, a look of surprise crossed her face. However, her expression quickly changed into one of anger as her initial shock faded.

"You!" Din shouted out as she hurled a fireball at the figure in front of her.

As if expecting the goddess's attack, the person instantly pulled out a capsule and threw it onto the ground in front of him. As soon as the capsule hit the ground, a large dome made up of semi-transparent hexagons surrounded its user. Much to Din's surprise, her fireball harmlessly dissipated as it hit the protective barrier.

"Looks like bringing along a Bubble Shield was a good idea after all," the mysterious stranger commented as the shield slowly faded out of existence.

"Master Chief!" Din shouted out in fury. "I should've known you were the one behind all those assassinations!"

As Din said this, the heavily armored form of Microsoft's lead executive stepped into the light. Master Chief was dressed in his usual green armor and was currently holding an inactive energy sword in his right hand as a safety precaution. Before he had a chance to say anything though, Din prepared another fireball in her hand. Seeing the goddess's hostile actions, the Spartan officer merely let out an irritated sigh.

"I see you're as temperamental as ever, my lovely Din. However, I suggest you put your hostilities on hold for the time being. As surprising as it might sound to you, I'm only here to talk."

Din let out a disbelieving scoff before replying in a scathing tone. "Talk? You mean like at that 'peace conference' your people set up to kill Mewtwo?"

"I had no hand in that. You know full well that the assassination of Mewtwo was done by the _Gears of War_ faction."

"Ha! After everything you've done, you expect me to believe that you were just an innocent bystander?"

Master Chief let out another sigh before responding. "Look. We might have been enemies at one time, but that war is long since over. If you would just calm down for a few minutes, I can tell you about why I'm here."

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't roast you alive right now."

If Master Chief didn't have his helmet on, Din might have seen him rolling his eyes at her.

"You haven't changed at all," Master Chief muttered as he shifted his position so that he was now leaning against the wall. "I'm trying to help by sharing some of my information with you and yet you're still trying to kill me."

"Just say what you have to say already. My patience is growing thin."

"Very well," the Spartan warrior replied, his voice suddenly grave. "Organization VII is back. And this time, they won't stop until the entire video game universe is under their tyrannical rule."

**xxx  
><strong>_Back in Termina..._

For Yuna, the first few hours alone in Clock Town were... interesting... to say the least. Simply put, she had spent the better half of her three hours being chased around town by steakhouse chefs, monkeys, Silent Realm Guardians, the postman, Zoidberg, and a demon cat. After finally losing her strange pursuers, Yuna decided to take a short break from all the craziness by taking refuge in the first building she ran across: a bookstore.

The bookstore was located in a small alleyway that ran through West Clock Town. Whoever built the place probably wanted to keep the store's location a secret seeing as how the only way one could even see the bookstore was to enter the alleyway in the first place. In fact, Yuna probably wouldn't have even spotted the store if she hadn't run into the alleyway to avoid the demon cat.

The store's appearance was nothing special. A large window in front of the store displayed a few dusty books that appeared to be a thousand years old. On the floor in front of the door was a worn-out welcome mat that seemed to belong to the caveman ages. The only distinguishable aspect of it was that the store's name was nowhere to be found. Curiosity getting the better of her, Yuna walked into the antique bookstore.

As soon as Yuna walked into the small store, the musty odor of old books reached her nose. As her eyes adjusted to the dim lighting inside, she saw that the place only had a few racks of books lining the place along with a small counter where the apparent owner of the store was currently sitting behind. Yuna noticed that the owner seemed to be no older than Malon. He was wearing a dark-green cloak and a large fedora rested on top of his untidy, black hair. The rest of his face was hidden behind a video game magazine that he was reading. The owner was currently immersed in his magazine and didn't seem to realize that he had a visitor. Or so Yuna thought.

"Welcome to my bookstore," the owner lazily called out without even looking up. "Please enjoy the... large... selection of books. There's also a special sale right now so feel free to... Hmm? What's this? Nintendo's planning to make new _Legend of Zelda_ title for the 3DS? What happened to the _Majora's Mask_ remake?"

With that, the owner went back to reading his magazine. Meanwhile, Yuna decided to go through some of the books in the small hope that she might find something interesting to read for the remaining hour or so. After walking over to one of the book racks, she began looking for a book suited to her taste.

"Let's see...," Yuna muttered as she read the multiple titles arrayed before her, "A copy of the _Ocarina of Time_ manga, the Boltzman's Book of Healing, an Aureola spell tome, Light's Death Note, Make-Out Paradise, Roxas's Journal, the Book of Regeneration, Finding One Piece for Dummies, the Ancient Sky Book from _Twilight Princess_ a mint copy of the _Official Majora's Mask Strategy Guide_... Hmm... The strategy guide might be useful. Maybe I can figure out what that mask man was trying to hide from us by tearing out all those pages from the guidebook he gave us."

With that said Yuna picked up the book in her mouth and carried it over to the register.

"One copy of the _Official Majora's Mask Strategy Guide_," the shopkeeper stated without looking up from his magazine. "Nice choice. That'll be one million rupees."

"On second thought," Yuna responded after hearing the ridiculous price. "I think I'll just browse around for a bit longer."

"Hang on," the shopkeeper called out before Yuna could turn away. "I forgot to tell you about the special discount from the sale we're having right now."

"Fine. How much do I get off?"

"One hundred percent," the shopkeeper told the dumbfounded cow as he slid the book over to her.

Yuna's surprise was quickly replaced with suspicion as she gave the shopkeeper an inquisitive glare.

"Okay, what's the catch? Do I have to go on some annoying fetch quest for you?" Yuna asked.

Much to her surprise, the shopkeeper gave an amused laugh at her remark.

"Just take the book. I'm sure it'll be more useful with you rather than sitting on one of my bookshelves collecting dust."

Yuna gave the shopkeeper another strange look before grabbing the book with her mouth. Yuna decided that it was probably a good idea to just accept her good fortune and walk out before the shopkeeper changed his mind. However, the shopkeeper called out to her once more just as she was about to step out the door.

"Hey. I got a little request for you. Don't let anything happen to Malon, alright? I know it's hard for you to accept, but she really does think of you as a friend."

Yuna quickly turned around and stared at the shopkeeper in surprise. Before Yuna could do anything else, however, the world began to spin around her. Everything within the store began to disappear in a dizzying swirl of colors as Yuna stood in the midst of it all. Just as the shopkeeper began to fade from her vision, he lowered his magazine and looked straight at her. His fedora still shadowed most of his face but Yuna could just make out a faint smile underneath.

_Page 47... That's where you'll find the next step in your journey... Good luck and may we meet again..._

With that, Yuna found herself in the middle of South Clock Town. Behind her, the Clock Tower towered above her while the tiny figures of Minora and the Happy Mask Salesman could still be seen battling on top of it.

Yuna quickly dropped the guidebook in her mouth and looked around for any signs of the mysterious shopkeeper. As she stuck her head inside the Clock Tower to see if he was in there, a familiar but very confused voice sounded behind her.

"Umm... Yuna? What are you doing?"

Yuna turned around to face Malon looking at her strangely. Quickly hiding her surprise, Yuna tried to put on her usual look of indifference before replying.

"Moo! I was just... umm... Hey! Why are you here so early? It's only been two hours! Did you get stuck at one of the temples or something?" Yuna asked, quickly changing the subject.

"Actually, I made it through all four temples during the first hour," Malon replied with a smug look on her face. "Getting through temples is so much easier when you can just punch your way through a wall instead of looking for some stupid key."

"Right... So, did the giants agree to help us stop Minora and her moon?"

"Yeah, but I doubt they're going to come even if we do call them."

"Why not?"

"The last I saw of them, they were all busy playing _Minecraft_ with each other."

"Oh."

"Anyways," Malon continued, "I tried completing some of the side-quests during my spare time but I couldn't finish most of them seeing as how the guidebook was practically useless with nearly half its pages missing. In fact, most of what the mask guy gave us was useless, especially his advice. I took a peek at that Milk Road place he told us not to go to and all I found was a giant boulder blocking the path. And from what I saw while passing by, the inn and the milk bar seemed normal enough. Seriously, what's he trying to hide from us? "

As Malon said this, Yuna's eye drifted towards the fresh copy of the _Official Majora's Mask Strategy Guide_ lying on the ground in front of her.

"Why don't we find out?" Yuna said in a mischievous tone, as she slid over the guidebook to the farm girl.

"What the...? Where did you get this?" Malon asked in surprise.

"Found it," Yuna cryptically replied, deciding to keep her encounter with the mysterious shopkeeper a secret. "Anyways, I heard from... certain people... that there's something interesting on page 47. Why don't we check that out first?"

"Okay," Malon replied as she picked up the book. She quickly flipped through the pages until she reached the specified spot.

"What's it say?" Yuna asked.

"Nothing much. It just outlines a time schedule for something called the Anju/Kafei Side-Quest... Wait. Anju? What's she doing here?"

"Anju? Wasn't she that crazy scientist lady from Kakariko Village who created the Rupee Grass Virus?"

"Yeah. What's she doing here? She's not exactly the type to wander this far from her labs."

Yuna remained silent as she tried to make sense of the situation. After a while, she came upon a possible explanation to their puzzling question.

"Hmm. Maybe... just maybe... this place is actually the alternate dimension of Hyrule."

"Alternate dimension? You mean like the Twilight Realm?" Malon asked.

"No. I mean a mirror dimension. You see, some physicists theorize that every world has its own unique dimension where the inhabitants look the same as their mirror counterparts but live totally different lives from them."

"So, let me get this straight. Everyone living in Hyrule has an identical clone living in this place?"

"Not all, but most," Yuna corrected. "And they're all living a very different lifestyle. For example, the Anju we know might be a crazy and unethical scientist but the Anju in this world is apparently just some inn keeper lady."

"I still don't understand all of this 'mirror dimension' stuff, but I think I get the basic concept. Either way, why did you want me to look at this particular side-quest?"

"Moo! I'm not really sure myself. I just heard that completing whatever was on that page would lead us to the next step of our journey."

"I don't see how that works out. The only way we're going to continue on our journey to Kokiri Forest is to wait for the Happy Mask Salesman to finish his lightsaber duel with Minora. And from the looks of things, I don't think that's going to be happening anytime soon."

Malon and Yuna took this time to take a glance up at the Clock Tower to see how the battle was progressing. As Malon had stated, there didn't seem to be a lot of progress with the duel as the two combatants continued to show off their skills with their lightsabers. Occasionally, one of them would use their psychic abilities (or the force if you're a Star Wars fan) to hurl random objects at each other. While Malon was busy watching Minora fling a live moose at the Happy Mask Salesman, Yuna took the guidebook out of the farm girl's hands with her mouth and placed it on the ground in front of her so she could read it.

"Moo! Why the hell is this side-quest so freaking long?" Yuna exclaimed after reading through the entire page.

"Hmm? What do you mean?" Malon asked, turning her attention away from the fight taking place above her.

"I'm talking about how long-winded this quest is when all you're doing is getting two lovers back together!"

"Well, we have plenty of free time. Why don't we just complete this side-quest and see what we get?"

"If you want to waste your time with this, be my guest. I'll be off doing something productive like watching grass grow or observing paint while it's drying."

"Just tell me what to do, already."

"Fine. For the sake of simplicity, I'll just read off the parts relevant to the actual Anju/Kafei side-quest. Ahem. Okay, to start off this long and pointless side-quest, you'll need to visit Kafei's extremely overweight mother in the mayor's office and receive the Kafei Mask. After you do that, you need to go to the Stock Pot Inn and talk to Anju while wearing the said mask. She'll then ask you to meet her at the inn's kitchen at 11:30 P.M. Once you meet her there, she'll tell you a lengthy sob-story before asking you to deliver a letter to Kafei. After that, you have to put the letter in one of those red postboxes and wait for that psycho postman to find it the next day. When the postman sets off to deliver the letter, you have to stalk him until he arrives at the Laundry Pool. He'll then ring a bell which will cause Kafei to come out of his hiding spot. While Kafei and the postman are having a little chat, you need to sneak into lover-boy's hideout without being spotted. Once that's done, you have to wait for Kafei to return and then speak with him. He'll then bore you to death with a story about how he was turned into a child by Skull Kid (or in our case, Minora) and how he got his engagement mask stolen by some thief named Sakon. After all of this, he'll give you the Pendant of Memories and will ask you to deliver it to Anju. Do as he says and Anju will tell you that she believes in her fiancé and decides to wait for him. Once all of this is done, you have to go to Ikana Canyon on the third day and find Sakon's hideout. You'll find Kafei there and he'll tell you that he's waiting for the thief to appear so that he can sneak into the hideout. At around 6:00 P.M., Sakon will appear and open up the entrance to his hideout. Follow Kafei into the place and then work with him to make your way through a really annoying obstacle course to retrieve the Sun's Mask. After all of this is over, head on back to the Stock Pot Inn and go up to Anju's Room. All you have to do then is wait for Kafei to arrive. Finally, the two of them will reunite and fuse their masks to form the Couple's Mask. As a token of their gratitude, they'll give you the Couple's Mask and then they'll wait for the moon to crush them both. The end."

Malon stayed silent for nearly a full ten minutes as she tried to make sense of what Yuna had just told her. After looking through the guidebook herself, Malon brought a hand up to her chin with a thoughtful look on her face as she contemplated on what needed to be done.

Just when Yuna believed that Malon had fallen asleep with her eyes open, the farm girl put the guide book in her bag and began walking away without a word towards one of the exits leading out of Clock Town.

"Hey! Where do you think you're going?" Yuna called out.

"Just wait and you'll find out," was all Malon said as she disappeared from view.

Thirty minutes later, Malon reappeared with the Sun's Mask in one hand and a struggling Kafei in the other. Yuna immediately noticed that the poor kid was being held up by the back of his collar like some misbehaving puppy while he yelled out at his captor in a tantrum.

"Let me go, Cremia!" Kafei shouted out at Malon. "I know you're upset at me for choosing Anju instead of you, but that still doesn't give you the right to just break into my room and kidnap me!"

Yuna decided to ignore this weird outburst and turned to look at Malon with a questioning look.

"What in the world did you just do?"

"I improvised," Malon simply replied. When Yuna continued to stare at her inquisitively, Malon gave a small sigh and began explaining.

"Most of the steps written in the guidebook seemed useless to me so I just went over to Sakon's hideout to steal back the Sun's Mask. After I got it, I went over to Kafei's hideout, kicked down the door, and brought him here."

"Moo! How did you get that mask by yourself? The guidebook said you needed at least two people to get through the obstacle course in time!"

"Let's just say that Sakon better have had his hideout insured," Malon said with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

Yuna didn't need any further explanations after hearing that. Meanwhile, Kafei had finally noticed his engagement mask in Malon's hand and began reaching out for it.

"You stole my wedding mask as well?" Kafei shouted at Malon with renewed frenzy. "Give it back to me right now you booger-headed girly girl!"

"…"

"Poop! This curse is starting to make me talk like a kid as well! I hate being a ten-year old again!" Kafei raged in his high-pitched voice.

While the angry kid continued to yell out various childish insults, Malon began walking off towards East Clock Town with her strange possessions in tow. Yuna followed close behind, not wanting to miss out on what happened next.

Once they reached the entrance of the Stock Pot Inn, Malon immediately barged in and threw down both Kafei and the Sun's Mask in front of a very shocked Anju.

"There," Malon said as she dusted off her hands, "You're both back together again. Now give me the Couple's Mask so that I can get going."

The couple was at a loss for words as they continued to gape at Malon. When nothing happened for a few minutes, Malon decided that a little explanation was in order, and she began telling Anju about Kafei's unfortunate plight and why he couldn't come see her. Once she finished telling the story, a deep silence fell upon the area. After what seemed like an eternity, Anju and Kafei slowly turned to look at one another and then embraced.

"Moo! Even though I know Kafei's actually a grown man, this scene is still a bit disturbing to me. Can we get out of here before those two begin making out?" Yuna commented, interrupting the touching scene happening in front of her.

After a few minutes, Anju and Kafei finally let go of each other and turned to look at Malon with looks of utmost gratitude on their faces.

"Thank you," Anju whispered to Malon with tears in her eyes. "I know how hard it must've been for you to let go of your feelings for Kafei and help us like this. After everything I put you through, I wouldn't have been surprised if you never even wanted to see me again. And yet, you still helped us get back together. So, thank you. Thank you, Cremia. I'll never forget what you did for us today."

A puzzled look settled on Malon's face when she heard this. However, her confusion quickly gave way to a more surprised look as a sudden thought crossed her mind. Without saying a word, Malon walked out of the inn, leaving a very confused couple and cow behind.

Once Yuna finally caught up with Malon in front of the Clock Tower, she noticed the farm girl reading through a certain page in the guidebook with a look of total disbelief on her face. Wondering what could've shocked her so much; Yuna walked over to Malon to find out what was wrong.

"Moo! What's with that stupid look on your face?"

Malon remained silent for a while. Eventually, she lowered the guidebook so that Yuna could see the large picture at the top of the page.

"What the…? What's your picture doing inside this guidebook?" Yuna asked in confusion.

"Read the caption," was all Malon said in response.

Yuna frowned as she looked back at the picture once more. With a growing sense of apprehension, Yuna looked down and read the small description printed beneath the photo.

"The hardworking rancher: Cremia of Romani Ranch?"

**xxx  
><strong>_?_

The spiky-haired leader of the mysterious organization was sitting in a darkened room wearing what seemed to be a bathrobe. In the background, classical music was playing while he enjoyed his 1997 vintage wine from a diamond wineglass in his right hand. As usual, his face was concealed by shadows but one could tell that he was in a much better mood than usual.

As he raised his glass to take another sip of his drink, one of his hooded henchmen teleported in using the warp panel in the corner of the room. The henchman immediately walked over to the leader and kneeled before him.

"What is it?" the leader asked in a mildly annoyed voice.

"Sir, I'm pleased to report that all of your fangirls are now fully mobilized and are ready to attack at a moment's notice."

A small smile appeared on the leader's face as he heard the report.

"I'm glad to hear that," the leader said as he took another sip of his wine. "What about our other objectives? Are they going as planned?"

"We have successfully planted our sleeper agents within all of our target locations but…"

"But what?" the leader asked in a dangerous tone.

The henchman gave a loud gulp before answering.

"We… we've lost contact with our agents within the Mushroom Kingdom. I sent a team in to find out what happened but they seemed to have disappeared as well."

The leader became silent upon hearing this. The only sound that could be heard was the henchman's heartbeat, which was beating at a very rapid pace. After a few minutes, the leader slowly raised his wineglass and took a small drink before replying.

"That's no concern. Even if Nintendo knew about our plan, they would have had a hard time catching our agents. If I didn't know any better, the one responsible for taking out our men is either Snake or Master Chief."

"It… it might also be those traitors, Roxas and Axel," the henchman added.

"Perhaps. But I get the feeling that whoever did this was a more experienced individual. The agents I assigned to the Mushroom Kingdom were some of our best, after all."

The henchman nearly breathed a sigh of relief once he realized that the leader wasn't going to obliterate him for offering bad news. Eager to secure his safety even more, he decided to report his last piece of good news.

"Sir, our scientists have also finished decoding the transmitter we recovered from the assassin who died in Hyrule."

"Well, what did it say?"

"The sound recordings were apparently damaged during the fight but the energy scanners were still operational. Thanks to that, they managed to deduce that our agent had died fighting against the daughter of that goddess you faced off against almost 19 years ago. "

"I don't see why you're bothering to report such useless information to me."

"That… that's not all, sir," the henchman quickly said in a nervous panic. "It seems that there was a surge of energy during the battle that was almost identical to the energy signature of the artifact you were searching for."

The leader stood up in surprise at the news, causing most of his wine to splash onto the floor. He immediately grabbed his underling by the throat with his free hand as a torrent of questions flowed from his mouth.

"What was the exact location of the place that the assassin's body was found in? Are you a hundred percent sure about the readings? Can you confirm the identity of that goddess's daughter?"

"Can't… breathe…"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

"Malon… LonLon…"

With that the henchman collapsed from his lack of air. The leader threw aside the body and immediately began thinking of what to do next. In a matter of seconds, he concluded that bringing in the girl and then interrogating her was the only option available to him. He knew his master plan might be jeopardized if he did this but that wouldn't matter if he managed to get his hands on the artifact.

"Marluxia!" the leader shouted out into the seemingly empty room.

Upon hearing his name, the pink-haired man from the _Kingdom Hearts_ universe seemed to materialize straight from the shadows. As usual, he was dressed in a black trench coat and was holding an enormous scythe in hands. From his casual demeanor, one might guess that Marluxia was one of the few people that didn't fear the leader's power. Either that or he was just a master at hiding his emotions.

"You called?" the Graceful Assassin asked.

"I've got a new mission for you. I want you to capture a girl by the name of Malon LonLon and bring her to me. Alive. Head to the labs and ask the scientists for more details."

"I'll get right to it," Marluxia replied before vanishing into the shadows once more.

As the leader poured himself another glass of wine, he couldn't help but gloat about his good fortune.

"Once I get my hands on the artifact, I'll be able to bring all of creation to its knees with just a lift of my finger! With the power of the MM, I shall be truly invincible!"

With that, the leader began laughing like a deranged lunatic, unaware of the fact that a tiny but sophisticated video camera from the _Halo_ universe was secretly recording everything going on within the room.


	17. What Happens in Termina Pt 2

Sorry about not updating any sooner. Writing this chapter was harder than I thought. I actually had to rewrite this thing at least five times before I deemed it readable. And even after all of that, I'm still a bit worried about the quality of this chapter. Oh, well. I guess that's for all of you to decide.

This is officially the longest chapter that I've written yet so you might want to make yourselves comfortable before reading all of this. I suggest getting some popcorn and soda for the ride.

Oh, and I'll give out an imaginary Fi action figure to anyone that can guess who the leader of Organization VII is. After this chapter, all of you should be able to get it. Speaking of which, try to keep the action figure away from Wii remotes with low batteries. You know what Fi likes to do when that happens...

By the way, I found a really good parody called "The Legend of Zelda: Square One" by XietyDiety. If you like well-written parodies, you should really check this one out.

Okay, let's finally get to the long awaited ending to the Termina series...

* * *

><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<br>****Ch 17: What Happens In Termina... Pt. 2**

"MOO! GREAT GOING, FARMER GIRL! YOU'VE JUST DESTROYED THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AS WE KNOW IT!"

As she yelled this, Yuna was blown back hundreds of feet by the hurricane-force winds that were being generated by the rip in the space-time continuum. Off to the side, Malon was busy holding onto a nearby tree to prevent herself from being blown away as well.

"I'M SORRY!" Malon yelled out desperately to no one in particular. "I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS WOULD HAPPEN!"

Yuna tried to make a scathing reply but she was stopped short by a large piece of shrubbery that flew right into her face. As Malon watched in horror, the gigantic tear in the fabric of reality widened, revealing an empty white void on the other side. Unfortunately, she didn't have much time to stare at this apocalyptic phenomenon as the force of the wind doubled, causing her to lose her grip and be sent flying away like a piece of lint in front of an industrial-power fan.

"WHY?" Cremia was heard yelling as she clung onto the side of the barn. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?"

"I'LL TELL YOU WHY!" Yuna shouted out after shaking off the shrub on her face. "FARMER GIRL DECIDED TO IGNORE ALL MY WARNINGS AND COME HERE EVEN AFTER I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER THAT MEETING YOU WOULD CAUSE THE END OF THE ENTIRE KNOWN UNIVERSE!"

"YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT!" Malon disputed as she managed to grab onto another tree, preventing herself from being blown all the way to the ends of Termina itself.

"YES, I DID!" Yuna angrily yelled back. "I TOLD YOU ONLY THIRTY MINUTES AGO! WEREN'T YOU PAYING ANY ATTENTION?"

**xxx  
><strong>_30 minutes earlier…_

"I'm telling you, this is a really bad idea," Yuna warned Malon as the two of them headed towards Milk Road. "Meeting your alternate self is the number-one thing you're _not_ supposed to do when it comes to interdimensional travel."

"I don't see anything wrong with just saying hi to my alternate self." Malon told her companion. "After all, it's not like I'm meeting my past self and rewriting the future or anything."

Yuna gave a large sigh before responding.

"You just don't get it, do you? Meeting your alternate self is like putting matter and antimatter together."

"And what happens when you do that?"

"Same thing that happens when you mix Coca-Cola and Pepsi together: the end of the entire universe as we know it."

Unfortunately, Malon didn't manage to catch that last part as her attention was diverted to the large boulder blocking the path. A man who looked identical to one of the carpenters in Hyrule was busy chipping away at the huge rock with a large pickax. As Yuna watched, Malon casually walked up to the boulder, causing the carpenter-lookalike to put down his pickax and face the approaching farm girl.

"Sorry miss, but the road's closed," the construction worker told Malon. "It might take me another two days or so to break through this thing so why don't you come back then?"

Malon looked up at the man and gave him a big smile before responding. "Take cover before you get hurt by the debris."

"Umm… What are you talking about miss?" the worker asked in confusion.

"Go. Now."

Noticing the deadly seriousness in Malon's voice, the man quickly moved back a few hundred yards so that he was now standing next to Yuna. After checking to see that nobody was within the blast zone, Malon turned to face the boulder in front of her once more. After cracking her knuckles, Malon casually poked the giant rock with her right index finger.

The effect was instantaneous. The once mighty boulder was blown to smithereens upon contact. Shards of the great, earthen mass exploded into the sky as the remaining dust settled to the ground. Luckily for Yuna and the construction worker, most of these rocky shards flew above them, allowing them to avoid any serious harm. On the other hand, a few greedy ranchers living close by weren't so lucky.

**xxx  
><strong>_The Gorman Track…_

"Three cheers for a job well done!" the older Gorman brothers shouted out before taking a drink from the bottle of milk in his hand. "With our boulder stopping Cremia from making any more deliveries, we'll finally be able to monopolize Termina's milk business! With that, we'll be able to really rake in the dough!"

"And the best part is, there's nothing that stupid farm girl can do to stop us!" the younger Gorman brother replied with a smug smile on his face. "I don't see how anything could possibly go wrong!"

As if to answer his question, the remnants of Malon's latest act of destruction came raining down upon them like a downpour of hail. That is, if hail was made up of boulder pieces that were as large as watermelons. Needless to say, the overall experience was most painful.

**xxx  
><strong>_Entrance to Romani Ranch…_

"So we're finally here," Yuna declared unenthusiastically. "Look, I know you're probably not going to listen to me but I'm still going to tell you one final time that meeting your alternate self is the most idiotic thing you could possibly do."

"Don't be so melodramatic," Malon replied, paying absolutely no heed to Yuna's warning. "Besides, these people need our help. It says in the guidebook that the younger sister of my alternate self is going to be kidnapped by aliens unless we do something."

"Great. Aliens. Why not just add in a crystal skull to complete the deal?" Yuna muttered while rolling her eyes.

Yuna's complaint was ignored as Malon noticed a familiar-looking person standing next to a bunch of cows.

"Hey, that must be my alternate self!" Malon declared as she got a better view of her lookalike. "I better go over and say hi!"

"I'm telling you, this is a really bad idea!" Yuna desperately called out as Malon began running towards her clone. Realizing that there was no going back now, Yuna just gave a large sigh and prepared for the worst.

Luckily for the world, Cremia was currently facing the other way and had her back to the strange visitors. Of course, all of this changed once Malon tapped her on the shoulder and said her greetings.

"Hi!" Malon said in a cheerful voice. "You must be Cremia of Romani Ranch, right?"

"Oh, a visitor!" Cremia said as she turned around. "Yes, I'm…"

Cremia was unable to say anything else as she got her first look at her alternate self. The moment the two farm girls saw each other's faces, time seemed to come to a halt. All the noise in the world seemed to disappear as the two girls continued to stare at each other.

"You're… me?" Cremia finally managed to say after what seemed like an eternity of silence.

"Not really," Malon replied with a smile. "I'm actually you from a different dimension. My name's Mal…"

And with that, the universe tore itself apart.

**xxx  
><strong>_The Mushroom Kingdom, a few hours prior to the apocalypse mentioned above…_

"I don't get why you don't want me to inform the Nintendo High Council about any of this," Din said as she glared across the table at Master Chief. "If Organization VII really is on the move again, we'll need all the help we can get."

Din and Master Chief were currently sitting in a secluded booth at a local diner. After showing Din the video feed regarding the organization's leader, Master Chief had chosen to move their secret meeting to a more comfortable location.

"The answer's simple," the Spartan warrior explained with his arms crossed. "If you alert the NHC about Organization VII, they'll panic and begin preparations for war. If that happens, the Microsoft Board of Directors will falsely suspect that Nintendo's planning to invade Microsoft and prepare for war themselves. All Organization VII has to do then would be to secretly push our armies into battle and simply watch as our two universes kill each other off."

According to the increased intensity of Din's glare, Master Chief guessed that the goddess grudgingly agreed with him. However, Din quickly realized that there was a flaw in what Master Chief had just said.

"Hold on a second. Why can't you just tell the other Microsoft executives about Organization VII as well? Then we can avoid that misunderstanding you just theorized."

Master Chief simply shook his head and gave a large sigh before responding.

"Sadly, most of my co-workers simply think of Organization VII as a by-gone relic from the past. None of them would be willing to believe me that they're back again."

"But you have all this evidence about the organization's existence! Couldn't you just show them that video recording you showed me?"

"They'll say I forged it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the _Fable_ division pegs me for betraying Microsoft to Nintendo. They'll accuse me of treason and say that I'm trying to divert the company's attention to a false threat so that Nintendo could easily take over during that time."

"Some friends you've got," Din muttered in a dark undertone.

"Well, the _Fable_ division was never on good terms with my franchise," Master Chief explained. "Thinks we're 'hogging the stage', as they put it."

With that, the two rivals grew silent. Eventually, Master Chief decided to ask something that had been bothering him for quite some time.

"Hey. Aren't you going to do something about Marluxia? I don't know how strong your daughter is, but Marluxia's one of the organization's top assassins. If things go badly, we'll end up with a hostage situation."

"I already assigned someone to look after Malon," Din said with a casual wave of her hand. "Unless the leader himself decides to appear, Malon will be perfectly safe."

"I see. I'm genuinely glad to hear that."

"Yeah, right," Din muttered before grabbing her cup of coffee and taking a drink.

Master Chief was about to say something in response but was cut off when the waitress appeared with a sandwich platter in hand.

"You're the one who ordered the ham sandwiches, right?" the waitress asked.

Master Chief simply nodded in response. As the waitress put down the sandwiches in front of him and walked off, Din gave the Microsoft executive a strange look.

"What?" Master Chief asked once he noticed Din's expression. "I get hungry too, you know."

"How are you going to… actually, never mind. I don't think I want to know."

"Okay…"

With that, Master Chief reached out to grab one of his ham sandwiches.

"You know, you still haven't told me why you're helping me," Din suddenly said. "After all, I seriously doubt that you're offering your help simply because you care for the welfare of Nintendo."

Master Chief gave a sigh and put down the sandwich he had just picked up before offering an explanation.

"As they say in the StarCraft universe: 'The only allies are enemies.' I figured giving you all this info would allow you to devise some kind of countermeasure against the organization's plans. That way, Nintendo can take care of the problem before Microsoft gets dragged into the fray as well."

"Typical. You just want us to handle all the dirty work while you and your friends watch from a safe distance," Din said in a scathing tone.

"Hey, at least we're not the ones planning to invade you," Master Chief responded with a shrug. "Besides, it's pretty obvious Organization VII is going to target Nintendo first. If I didn't give you all of this info, you guys might have been wiped out in the initial attack. At least now you know what to prepare for."

"And what exactly _are_ we up against?" Din asked. "You told me the entire organization is up and running but is Sony backing them up like last time?"

"No. At least, not all of them," Master Chief answered. "The situation there is… complicated, to say the least. You see, Organization VII has already won over the loyalty of most of the Sony Empire but there are still pockets of resistance from the main sectors, namely the _Metal Gear_ division. As a result, the entire universe is currently caught up in a massive civil war between those loyal to the organization and those that want to keep their independence."

"If what you're telling me is true, how come Nintendo hasn't caught wind of any of this?"

"Organization VII is smarter than you think. Remember that trade conflict in the _LittleBigPlanet_ sector that Sony reported a month ago? That was actually a cover-up story for Snake's attempt to liberate that area. With all of Sony's media under the organization's control, it really isn't that surprising that your spies haven't found anything wrong. "

For the first time in years, Din actually began to look worried.

"It's like the Era of Strife all over again," she managed say in a whisper.

"Actually, it's a lot worse," Master Chief stated in a nonchalant way. "You forgot to take into account the leader's fangirls."

"What about them? They can't really do much with the fourth wall separating them from the video game universe."

"Er… about that. The fourth wall around the Nintendo universe has been weakening for quite some time now. It won't be very long before there's a hole big enough for all of those fangirls to cross over without anybody noticing."

"What? How did this happen?" Din exclaimed.

"As ironic as it may seem, your daughter's the one responsible for this. From what I can gather, she seems to have spoken with one of the authors on numerous occasions."

Din remained silent for a while as she tried to get over her shock.

"Is… is there any way to fix the fourth wall?"

"Not really. You see, once the fourth wall's been broken by someone, it automatically begins to repair itself. Unfortunately, it would take years for the wall to completely fix the amount of damage your daughter has done to it. By that time, the fangirls will have already come and gone."

An eerie silence settled upon the two of them as Master Chief finished his explanation. Din tried her best to hide her fear but she still couldn't stop her hands from shaking. Even to the fiercest goddess in the entirety of Nintendo, the prospect of facing off against an army of rabid fangirls filled her heart with dread. Never in her whole life had she felt as helpless as she did now.

"Hey, no need to look so terrified," Master Chief told Din in a reassuring manner. "After all, I wouldn't have bothered to come all the way out here if everything had seemed hopeless."

"Then… you have some kind of plan?" Din asked.

"Of course."

As he said this, the Microsoft executive summoned a large brown envelope to his hand from out of thin air and slid it over to the goddess.

"These papers contain the locations of Organization VII's major strongholds," Master Chief said in response to Din's confused look. "I don't care how you do it but try to get Nintendo to fortify the borders around those areas. That way, you'll be at least somewhat prepared for the initial attack. Also, once you've successfully repelled their invading army, you can then focus your offensive on these areas. As for the fangirls… well, we'll just have to wait and see what happens. I don't see any point in worrying about something that we can't do anything about."

"What about you?" Din asked as she opened the envelope and began looking through the numerous papers. "What are you going to do during all of this?"

"As I've told you before, I can't really do much without the other Microsoft executives getting suspicious. However, I can at least update you on the organization's activities from time to time. Also, I can take care of all the sleeper agents that the organization's planted throughout Nintendo's worlds."

"That's uncharacteristically generous of you," Din commented as she peered up from one of the maps she was inspecting.

"Think of it as repayment for that time when you accidentally saved me from that rampaging Wobbuffet. Heh. Those were some crazy times."

"Yes, they were," Din agreed as she went back to looking at the maps.

"Anyways, I'll be taking my leave for now," Master Chief said as he got up from his seat. "I'll contact you personally if I find any interesting developments."

Just as he was about to take his first step, Master Chief remembered something important that he had forgotten to say and turned back around.

"Oh, right. One of my sources told me that there's a former Organization VII member living somewhere within the _Legend of Zelda_ world. I don't have any further details regarding this subject but if you can somehow find this person, they might be able to provide us with some valuable information."

Hearing this, Din looked up from her papers to stare at Master Chief in surprise.

"How is this possible?" she asked, disbelief etched in her voice. "There were never any reports during the Era of Strife about an organization member defecting from its ranks. After all, doesn't the organization make it a policy to kill any and all traitors?"

"Like I said, I don't have any further information about who this person is."

"Then how am I supposed to find him?"

Master Chief gave an amused laugh before starting to walk off once again.

"There are some questions that you just have to answer for yourself," he called out as he walked out the door.

As the sound of Master Chief's footsteps faded, Din noticed that the platter of ham sandwiches was now empty.

**xxx  
><strong>_Back at apocalypse central (A.K.A. Romani Ranch)…_

"HOW LONG IS THE WORLD GOING TO END FOR?" Malon shouted out, more bored than terrified now. "IT SEEMS LIKE THAT RIP IN THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL IN THE LAST HOUR OR SO!"

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW?" Yuna angrily yelled. "END OF THE WORLD PHENOMENOMS ISN'T EXACTLY MY FORTE!"

And so the three of them continued to wait. Just when Malon began to wonder if she would have to hang onto a tree for the rest of her life, the tear in reality suddenly… disappeared. Yep. As simply as that, the rip in the space-time continuum vanished. One moment it was threatening to consume all of reality, the next it was nowhere to be seen.

As the fierce winds died down, Malon, Yuna, and Cremia slowly got to their feet with similar looks of confusion on their faces.

"What… just happened?" Malon finally managed to ask.

"Moo! I honestly have no idea…"

Before they could ask any more questions, a mysterious voice suddenly yelled out from the distance.

"KOOLOO-LIMPAH! FREE AT LAST!"

Hearing this, the three protagonists immediately turned their gazes to where the shout had come from. As they looked, they saw that an oddly-shaped figure was standing in the exact location where the tear in reality had been. As Malon, Cremia, and Yuna continued to stare, the stranger realized that he was being watched and began to slowly make his way towards them. As he got closer, Malon could see that the stranger was actually a grown man dressed in very disturbing green tights. Before Malon could make any further observations, however, Yuna gave a sudden 'moo!' as she realized who the strange man was.

"Oh, no," Yuna muttered as she started backing away. "This is definitely not good."

"You know this guy?" Malon asked in confusion.

"Moo! Of course I know him! You're looking at the scourge of the entire _Legend of Zelda_ series: the dreaded Tingle!"

When Malon and Cremia continued to stare at Yuna with a blank look on their face, Yuna gave a sigh before offering a more detailed explanation.

"A few years ago, Nintendo had the bright idea of creating an alternate version of Link to bump up their sales. I'll never understand what was going through their heads at the time but they began an extensive operation called Project Tingle to create this alternate hero. Unfortunately, something went wrong during the developmental phase and the experiment went rogue. After escaping from the lab that he was created in, the experiment (now labeled as Tingle) found out about his original counterpart and grew jealous of all the fame that Link was getting. Eventually, this led him to make a line of cheesy spin-off games in order to destroy the Zelda franchise and ultimately bring down Link's popularity. Luckily, he only managed to release his games into an area in the author's realm known as Japan before the great Miyamoto himself intervened and sealed Tingle away into the gap between dimensions."

Even after hearing this lengthy explanation, Malon and Cremia still had confused looks on their faces. After giving an exasperated sigh, Yuna gave a very simple summary of what she had just said so that the two farm girls could actually understand her.

"Man... in... green... tights... is... evil... and... wants... to... destroy... the... world," Yuna said, emphasizing each and every word.

"Ohhhh," Malon and Cremia both said in unison. "Now it makes sense."

"Ugh. It's like being around that bimbo again," Yuna muttered to herself. "Anyways, it seems Tingle was able to escape from his prison using the rip in the space-time continuum that you two created. I strongly suggest that you get rid of him before he runs off and creates some new trouble."

"Sure thing," Malon replied before running off to intercept the approaching monstrosity.

"Umm... should I do something as well?" Cremia asked.

"Nah," Yuna told her. "I think one farmer girl can handle this well enough."

Just as Yuna said this, Malon got within striking distance of Tingle.

"Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah! The Zelda fandom shall belong to me! Bow down before..."

"Malon Kick!"

With that, the abomination known as Tingle was sent flying to parts unknown.

As Malon walked back to her companions to celebrate her easily won victory, the door to Cremia's house suddenly opened. As the three heroes turned to watch, a very sleepy-eyed Romani walked out with a questioning look on her face.

"What did Romani miss?"

**xxx  
><strong>_Divine Realm..._

"I can't believe you! I leave this place for a few days and the paperwork's stacked up to the ceiling! And we don't even have a ceiling!" Farore raged at an uncaring Nayru.

"Blah, blah, blah. Seriously, you need to learn how to chill," Nayru drawled as she continued watching _House_ on her Levias-sized plasma TV. "Besides, I already took care of most of my paperwork. Din's the one that didn't do any anything."

"Don't make excuses! I know that you went to watch that stupid baseball game! You could've finished at least half of that stack if you had worked instead!"

Nayru got a surprised look on her face when she heard this.

"How did you know about the baseball game? Weren't you in a full-body cast this whole time?"

"I saw you on TV waving around that stupid 'Marry Me Vaati!' banner during the award ceremony," Farore replied with her arms crossed.

"Oh. Heh heh. You actually saw that?" Nayru replied with an embarrassed look.

"Look, I don't care about your stupid crush on that eyeball monster freak but..."

"You take that back! Vaati's not some eyeball monster freak! He's _the_ eyeball monster freak!"

"Yeah, whatever. The point is..."

"Oh, I almost forgot. You still have to give Malon her birthday present. She's probably somewhere in the Lost Woods right now so..."

"I don't care! Just take care of that damn paperwork right now!"

"Meh. Maybe later," Nayru told her sister as she turned her attention back to the TV.

Farore lost it then and incinerated the TV with her laser beam eyes. Needless to say, another godly cat fight ensued shortly afterwards.

**xxx  
><strong>_Romani Ranch…_

All three of the farm girls were currently seated around the main table inside Cremia's house while Yuna was off to the side sitting on a large pile of hay that was next to the door. At the moment, Malon was busy retelling her adventure to her alternate selves while Yuna added in the occasional sarcastic comment. For the sake of Cremia and Romani's sanity, Malon had decided to omit the crazier parts of her journey during her retelling. Even so, the overall tale was still a very strange one.

"… and that's why we're here to save Romani from the aliens," Malon finished explaining.

Cremia could only stare at Malon with an open mouth as the lengthy narrative ended. Meanwhile, Romani was busy running around her sister yelling, "See? Romani was telling the truth! The ghosts are real!"

Seeing Romani's reaction, Yuna couldn't help but roll her eyes.

"We just told a tale that defies every ounce of logic in the world and the only thing that mini farmer girl can think about are the aliens," Yuna commented while shaking her head.

Meanwhile, Cremia stayed silent as she tried to make sense of everything that Malon had told her. After a lengthy silence broken only by Romani's increasingly annoying shouts, Cremia finally nodded in understanding.

"After everything I've seen today, I'm willing to believe that you're telling me the truth."

"Great!" Malon immediately replied with a bright smile. "Now that we have that out of the way, we can finally figure out how to stop those aliens from stealing your cows!"

"Speaking of cows, weren't they all sent flying away during our little Armageddon?" Yuna asked in a bored tone as she started inspecting one of her hooves.

A few seconds of awkward silence passed before Malon and Cremia both got to their feet at the same time.

"Oh, crap!"

**xxx  
><strong>_A few hours later…_

It was close to midnight by the time Malon and Cremia finally managed to get the last cow back into the barn.

"Whew! That was a lot of work!" Cremia commented as she closed the barn door. "I thought we'd never find the last one!"

"No kidding," Malon replied with a tired laugh. "Who would've thought that it was sitting on top of the moon this whole time?"

"Yeah. It's a good thing you jumped up there to check. You know, it's a pity the cows in Termina aren't as smart as the ones you have back in your dimension. If they were, they could've just found their own way back home."

"Well, at least you don't have to deal with the sarcastic ones like Yuna either. She's a good person… er, cow… but she has a tendency to throw an insult at you every ten minutes or so. If half of what she said was true, I'd probably be a one-celled amoeba eating dirt all day."

The two of them gave a laugh at this. With their arduous job done, Malon and Cremia made their way into the house to get some rest. As soon as they entered, however, they found Romani waiting for them with her bow and arrow in hand.

"Finally! Romani was up this whole time waiting for you two!"

Cremia's look of surprise immediately changed to a stern frown as she stared down at her younger sister.

"Romani, what are you doing up this late? You should be in bed right now."

"Duh! Romani was preparing to stop **Them**, of course!"

Hearing this, Cremia and Malon both face-palmed as they realized that they had completely forgotten about the impending alien invasion.

"Looks like somebody has short-term memory loss," Yuna muttered as she made her way towards them from her hay pile. "So, what are we going to do now?"

After thinking for a few minutes, Malon suddenly snapped her fingers as an idea popped into her head.

"I got it! We'll just call in the Ghostbusters! I remember seeing an ad for them inside the guidebook Yuna found!"

"Moo! And how are we going to call them? We don't even have a phone!"

"Just leave that to me," Malon said as she turned to exit the building. "The guidebook also said something about a Great Fairy living inside Clock Town. I'll just go and ask if I can borrow her phone."

With that, Malon quickly ran off into the night.

"Wait a second," Yuna suddenly said as she remembered something. "You don't even know how to use a phone!"

Unfortunately, the farm girl was already past the entrance to Romani Ranch by then.

**xxx**

After another few hours, Malon returned looking rather put down.

"Well?" Yuna asked. "What happened?"

"I forgot that I didn't know how to use a phone so I had to ask the Great Fairy to call for me," Malon said in a slightly embarrassed tone. "Anyways, she managed to call the Ghostbusters but they said they were busy battling some giant marshmallow man tonight."

"Great," Yuna said in her usual sarcastic way. "So what do we do now?"

Everyone remained silent as they tried in vain to think of an answer to her question.

"Okay, how about this?" Malon finally said after a few minutes. "I'll allow myself to be captured by the aliens when they try to take the cows. After that, I'll just hijack their spaceship and bring the cows back here. That way, you won't have to worry about any future invasions from **T****hem** as well."

Cremia immediately shook her head at the proposition.

"It's too risky. I know you're trying to help us and all but you're putting yourself in too much danger with that plan. After all, didn't you say that the aliens wiped their victim's memory after capturing them?"

"Yeah, but I'm sure I can take down those aliens before they remove my brain or anything," Malon replied confidently. "Look, I've faced a lot worse than aliens before so just let me take care of this, alright?"

Cremia still looked rather uncertain but eventually nodded after seeing the confident look on Malon's face.

"Just promise me that you'll get back here safely," Cremia told her alternate self in a worried voice. "I don't want you to get hurt while trying to help us."

"No need to sound so worried," Malon replied with a smile. "I'll be back before you can say…"

"Aliens!"

Malon and Cremia both turned to see Yuna staring out at the horde of approaching aliens that had suddenly appeared all over the ranch.

"Looks like it's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum," Malon said as she began cracking her knuckles. "And I'm all out of bubblegum."

"Moo! You don't even know what bubblegum is!"

"Yeah, but it sounds cool," Malon called out as she headed out to the barn.

As Cremia and Yuna watched, the aliens slowly made their way to the barn and proceeded to use some kind of tractor beam to pull the cows and Malon up to their ship. As she was being dragged up, Malon gave another smile to her two friends before disappearing into the bright light of the alien spacecraft. With their abduction complete, the aliens flew off, leaving no trace of their existence behind.

As Yuna and Cremia continued to stare out at the now-empty night sky, a sleepy voice sounded from behind them.

"What did Romani miss?"

**xxx  
><strong>_The following day…_

Yuna wandered around the wide expanse of Romani Ranch as she waited impatiently for Malon to return. It was already close to noon and there was still no sign of the alien-abducted farmer girl. Even though she didn't want to admit it, Yuna was beginning to grow a little worried about her companion.

"Damn it. What's taking her so long?" Yuna muttered to herself as she walked past the Cucco Shack for the third time that day.

Off in the distance, Yuna could see Cremia and Romani trying to fix the giant hole that the aliens had left on the barn roof. As Yuna watched the two sisters working and laughing together, she couldn't help but feel a bit lonely. Being isolated like this, Yuna finally realized just how much she had gotten used to Malon's company. Sure, she tended to get on Yuna's nerves every now and then but there was no mistaking the fact that Malon had always been there for her throughout their entire journey. As her mind wandered to such thoughts, Yuna suddenly remembered her meeting with the mysterious shopkeeper the other day.

_Don't let anything happen to Malon, alright? I know it's hard for you to accept, but she really does think of you as a friend._

At the memory of the shopkeeper's words, Yuna couldn't help but wonder if sending Malon off to deal with the aliens had been a good idea after all.

"No need to worry. Malon's on her way back here right now."

Yuna gave a loud "moo!" in surprise as she found the shopkeeper standing right next to her.

"Holy cow! What the hell are you doing here?" Yuna blurted out, not noticing the bad pun she had just made.

"Why else? I'm here because I felt like it," the shopkeeper replied in his usual cryptic manner. "Also, _someone_ had to fix that giant rip in the space-time continuum that you and your friends created."

"That was you?" Yuna asked in surprise. "You're the one who stopped that doomsday vortex?"

"Obviously."

Now that Yuna had gotten over her shock, she began inspecting the enigmatic stranger in front of her. The first thing Yuna noticed was his rather ridiculous looking fedora. In her opinion, she thought it looked like something you would see in a bad 1980s gangster movie. Either way, it covered most of the shopkeeper's face just like the last time she had seen him, revealing only his faint smile underneath. She also noticed that he was wearing a pair of tan-colored trousers along with a black, long-sleeved shirt underneath his dark-green cloak. However, the thing that caught her attention the most was the gigantic book that he carried in his left hand. It was almost as big as a baby Goron but the shopkeeper didn't seem to have any trouble holding it up. The most defining feature about it, however, was the power that it seemed to radiate. Even from the distance separating them, Yuna could still feel the immense magical energy flowing out of the book.

"It seems you've got quite an interest in my spell tome," the shopkeeper suddenly said as if reading Yuna's mind. "I can tell you that getting my hands on this thing was quite an ordeal indeed."

Yuna quickly took her eyes off the giant book as she faced the shopkeeper with a suspicious glare.

"Who are you?" Yuna asked in a distrustful voice. "And how do you know so much about farmer girl?"

The shopkeeper merely laughed at her question before turning his head and gazing out at the wide field that lay before him.

"You know, I've always liked this area the best in the entire _Legend of Zelda_ world," he commented as he continued to gaze out at the ranch. "Don't know why, but I always did feel at home whenever I was here."

"Moo! I don't care about your preferred vacationing sites! Just tell me where you got all your information from!"

The shopkeeper stayed silent as he continued to stare out at the open field. Yuna couldn't tell exactly where he was looking at due to his hat but she guessed that he was staring at Cremia and Romani who were still up on the barn.

"Look at how happy they are," he suddenly commented in a sad voice. "They really have no idea of the storm that's brewing on the horizon. Then again, I suppose I'm the only one that knows about that."

By now, Yuna was beginning to wonder if there was something mentally wrong with the shopkeeper. Once again, however, he seemed to know exactly what she was thinking.

"Don't worry," the shopkeeper told her with another laugh. "I'm not crazy. I'm just thinking aloud, that's all."

"Then answer my question! Who are you and what do you want?"

"Where would be the fun in telling you all of that?" the shopkeeper told her with a smile. "Besides, I've got something much more interesting to tell you. It's something that I'm sure you'll find quite intriguing."

"And what would that be?"

The shopkeeper slowly turned around and faced her with a rather serious expression.

"A prophecy of the direst nature," the shopkeeper said, all traces of his cheeriness suddenly gone. "Listen closely, for what I am about to say may alter the course of fate itself. There will come a time when Malon's life will be in your hands. When this day comes forward, I want you to ask yourself whether or not you truly consider Malon to be your friend. The answer you choose will not only affect Malon but also the fate of the entire video game universe as well."

"Moo! What kind of lame prophecy is that? If the entire video game universe is on the line, why wouldn't I choose to save farmer girl?"

"That's something you'll have to find out for yourself," the shopkeeper said, his smile returning. "Besides, the future's not set in stone. It might be possible that you'll never even be faced with this choice at all."

"Then what's the point of telling me all of this? Just who do you think you are?"

"I told you because I wanted to," the shopkeeper told her as he started opening his enormous book. "As for your other question, I like to think of myself as a rogue agent who wants to protect a world that he's grown to love even if it means defying the higher order."

Before Yuna could say anything, a large U.F.O. suddenly appeared in the sky and began to make its way towards the ranch.

"It seems Malon's a few minutes early," the shopkeeper stated as a bunch of strange runes floated out from his open book and began surrounding him. "Pity. I was rather enjoying our little conversation."

"Hey! Where do you think you're going?" Yuna called out as the runes around the shopkeeper started glowing. "You can't just leave after filling my head with all your prophecy crap! I demand an explanation!"

"Sorry, but our time is up," he called out as his form started disappearing. "Perhaps another time…"

With that, the shopkeeper vanished as if he had never existed.

**xxx**

After landing the giant flying saucer in the middle of the ranch, Malon came out looking as bright as ever with all of Cremia's cows following behind her. Cremia and Romani immediately ran forward and hugged their alternate self while Yuna trailed along behind, still shaken up by her encounter with her mysterious acquaintance.

"What took you so long?" Romani asked as she finally let Malon go. "Romani was worried about you!"

"Sorry about being late. It just took me a while to figure out how to pilot the ship," Malon told her friends with a smile. "Besides, there was never any need for worry. I eradicated all of the aliens within five minutes of my abduction. Speaking of which, you might not want to go into the spaceship right now. There's still a lot of… alien goop… in there."

After exchanging a few more casual remarks, Malon and Cremia went on to herd the cows into the newly repaired barn. Once their job was done, all four of them went into the house and sat around the table to ask Malon about what had happened to her during her abduction.

"There really isn't much to tell," Malon replied. "I managed to talk to a few of the crew members before I started wiping out the aliens but aside from that it was a rather boring trip. Of course, I did also destroy the Death Star and saw the U.S.S. Enterprise on the way here and but that's a tale for another time."

Cremia eventually broke the awkward silence that had formed.

"So…Did you figure out why they wanted our cows in the first place?" she asked.

Malon nodded before offering an explanation. "The crew members told me that they were actually a group of scientists who were studying animal life forms on different planets. It just so happened that your cows were the best specimen in the whole world so they needed a few for further observations."

"What? If that's true, couldn't they have just asked us to borrow a few cows instead of trying to steal them every year?" Cremia asked.

"I asked them that as well. From what they told me, it seems that they tried to ask you for a few cows when they first came here three years ago. Unfortunately, it seems your sister saw them first and shot at them in fear. After most of their scientists were turned into living pin cushions that day, they were forced to resort to more drastic measures to obtain their live samples."

Romani gave a shrug when everyone turned to face her.

"What? Romani didn't understand what they were saying. They kept making weird noises like 'paradigm' and 'Bos primigenius' as they got close to me."

"Umm… Romani? I'm pretty sure that paradigm means 'example' and I'm guessing that other long word they said is the scientific name for cows," Malon explained.

"Oh. Then maybe Romani shouldn't have stabbed that alien with a pitchfork."

"…"

"Anyways," Malon continued, "it seems the aliens were going to return the cows after they had finished observing them. Also, it turns out that the only reason for their memory wiping routine was to make sure people didn't go around talking about aliens and made themselves look crazy. Of course, the patient's personality would've been altered for a few days due to the memory wiping procedure but they assured me that the effect was only temporary and would've worn off in a few weeks."

"Then why did you have to slaughter those poor things?" Cremia asked in a horrified voice. "If they weren't stealing the cows or trying to harm you, why did you have to kill them?"

"Their method of wiping a person's memory involved forcing the victim to watch all of those terrible _Twilight_ movies."

"Okay, never mind. They deserved to die."

Just as another awkward silence was about to fall on the group, a loud knock was heard at the door.

"I wonder who that can be?" Cremia wondered aloud as she got up. "We normally don't get visitors at this time of the day."

As soon as she opened the door, a very familiar mask salesman greeted her.

"How do you do, Ms. Cremia?" the Happy Mask Salesman said with a slight bow. "If you don't mind, I'd like to have a word with the two trouble-makers that are in your house right now."

Before Cremia could say anything, Malon got up to confront the strange man.

"You wanted to see me?" Malon asked with a hint of guilt in her voice.

The HMS gave an exasperated sigh before answering.

"Even after I specifically told you to not come here, you still saw fit to meet your alternate self and nearly cause the end of the world. Well, I guess it all worked out in the end. After all, it was thanks to your little mishap that I was finally able to defeat Minora."

"Really? How did you defeat her?"

"I managed to throw a Chain Chomp at her when she turned to look at the rip in the space-time continuum," the Happy Mask Salesman answered with his trademark smile. "Let's just say that there isn't much left of her now."

"Er…"

"Anyways, I spent the remainder of my time finishing up all the side-quests you failed to complete. I have to say, you left me quite a handful of tasks to finish."

"Hey, you're the one who said the side-quests were optional!" Malon countered. "Besides, at least I managed to complete that freakishly long Anju/Kafei side-quest for you!"

"That you did. I have to say though, I'm surprised you managed to complete that particular side-quest without a proper guidebook."

"Actually…"

"Well, no matter," the mask salesman said with a wave of his hand. "The important thing now is getting you and your cow back to Hyrule. If you wish to say good-bye to your alternate selves, I suggest you do it now."

"What? We're leaving already?" Malon asked in surprise. "Can't we just stay a day longer?"

"Absolutely not. Termina is already a weird enough place without you and your cow messing things up as well."

With that, the Happy Mask Salesman walked off to give Malon time to say her farewells.

"Do you really have to go?" Romani asked as Malon turned to face them with a forlorn look on her face. "Can't you stay just a little longer?"

"It seems I can't," Malon said with a sigh. "I…"

Before she could say anything else, Romani ran up and hugged her.

"Romani's going to miss you. You helped Romani and big sister a lot."

After getting over her surprise at the sudden embrace, Malon gave a smile before returning Romani's hug.

"I'll miss you too Romani."

After the two of them finally let each other go, Malon turned to face Cremia.

"Here," Malon said as she pulled out a small sack of orange rupees from her item pouch and handed it to her alternate self. "I read in the guidebook that you were having some financial trouble. I'm sure this should be enough to solve that problem."

Cremia was at a loss for words as she stared at all the money in her hands.

"I… I can't take this," she said as she tried to hand the money back to Malon. "There's got to be at least a thousand rupees in here. I couldn't possibly…"

"Just take it," Malon replied as she pushed away the rupees. "Running an entire ranch by yourself isn't an easy thing to do. You need this money more than I do."

"Still…"

"Besides," Malon cut in with a smile, "I can always clear out another Redead infestation if I need some quick cash."

Cremia couldn't help but smile a bit when she heard this.

"I suppose you can," she finally managed to say. "I know this is hardly an adequate repayment but thank you. Thank you for all the help you've given me and my sister. You have our eternal gratitude."

"Your thanks is all I need," Malon said as she started walking out the door. "As for the gratitude, you should crystalize it and give it to a demon who wants to become a human."

"Umm… okay. I'll be sure to do that."

Malon gave her alternate selves one final wave before walking out the door. Yuna proceeded to follow her out but stopped and turned around just before exiting.

"Thanks for that soup you made me yesterday," Yuna told Cremia. "It was nice to have a proper meal for once."

"The pleasure was all mine," she replied with a smile.

"As for you," Yuna said as she faced Romani. "Keep practicing with your bow. You never know when another group of aliens might appear."

"Will do!" Romani answered as she gave Yuna a salute.

Yuna nodded in acknowledgement before leaving the two sisters. As she stepped outside, she found Malon and the Happy Mask Salesman waiting for her.

"Are the two of you ready to leave now?" the HMS asked.

"I'm good," Yuna replied.

Malon remained silent as she looked at the wide expanse of Romani Ranch one more time.

"Do you think I'll ever see this place again?" she asked in a sad voice.

Much to her surprise, the Happy Mask Salesman gave a small laugh when he heard this. Before she could ask what was so funny, he gave her a wide smile and offered her some words of wisdom.

"Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. However, that parting need not last forever… Whether a parting be forever or merely for a short time… That is up to you."

Malon became silent again as she took in the mask salesman's words.

"You really believe that?" she finally managed to ask.

"As much as I believe that Ghirahim is Orochimaru in disguise," the HMS answered. When Malon continued to stare at him with a confused look, he quickly rephrased his statement so that she could understand him. "I'm sure you'll see Cremia and Romani again real soon."

Malon gave a smile of her own when she heard this.

"Moo! So are we leaving yet or not?"

With a look of renewed determination on her face, Malon gave a nod as she faced onwards to the future that lay in front of her.

"Let's go," she told her companion. "It's about time we finished up our own story."

The Happy Mask Salesman's smile seemed to brighten when he heard Malon's response. Just as he snapped his fingers and teleported the three of them out of Termina, Malon managed to catch a glimpse of the now moon-less sky. She smiled as she disappeared, knowing in her heart that she would one day see this place again.

And thus, the adventure continued...

**xxx  
><strong>_Hyrule, one thousand years later…_

"Great," a random man muttered as he stared out at the newly formed ocean before him. "The goddesses really did answer our prayers and flooded the place. You know, when the sages asked them to wash away the evil walking this land, I'm pretty sure they didn't mean it literally."

"And now we're stranded on a bunch of mountaintops," the person next to him added. "I really don't see how things could get any worse."

As soon as he said this, a small, green object came hurtling out of the sky and landed right in front of the two.

"Kooloo-limpah! I'm back!"


	18. The Beginning of the End

I'm not even going to bother making up an excuse this time. I was late because I was late. That's all there is to tell.

* * *

><p><strong>Malon's Epic Cow Delivery<br>****Ch 18: The Beginning of the End**

"Here we are," the Happy Mask Salesman declared as the three heroes appeared at their destination. "Welcome to Kokiri Forest!"

Malon and Yuna looked at the unwelcoming sight of the dark woods that lay in front of them and turned to face their guide with skeptical looks.

"Umm… are you sure you brought us to the right place?" Malon asked. "I mean, this place looks more like the Forbidden Forest than anything else."

"No kidding. I wouldn't be surprised if I found Voldemort eating a unicorn just around the corner," Yuna added.

The Happy Mask Salesman continued to smile in his usual manner as he answered them.

"Kokiri Forest is protected by numerous magical barriers that prevent people from warping directly into it. As such, I brought the two of you as close as I could to the Great Deku Tree's Meadow. Once you get there, you can ask him to open the way into the actual village."

"And how are we supposed to get to this Great Deku Tree?" Malon questioned.

"Just go straight ahead from here and you'll be at the meadow within fifteen minutes," the HMS told her as he pointed out the path. "Just don't wander off and you'll be fine."

"Hold on. Why can't you just lead the way for us?" Yuna suddenly asked. "Knowing farmer girl, she'll probably drag me into another crazy misadventure if you let her find the way around. I don't know about you two but I'm just about ready to put an end to this whole journey."

The HMS stayed silent for a few seconds as he thought over Yuna's proposition. After a while, he gave a bigger-than-usual smile as he made up his mind.

"Alright. I don't see anything wrong with escorting the two of you to the meadow. Besides, I've already collected enough masks to sell at this year's Carnival of Time so I got time to spare."

"What's the Carnival of Time?" Malon inquired with a look of curiosity.

"It's an annual celebration that's held in Termina," the Happy Mask Salesman replied. "Every year, the people of Termina gather at Clock Town to celebrate and pray to the four giants for a good harvest during the upcoming year. Of course, there were a lot of moon problems at the last few carnivals due to Majora so I had to step in and stop him every time I went there to set up shop. The bad part about this was the fact that all the good booths were taken by the other vendors by the time I stopped that crazy mask. Combined with the fact that Ganondorf destroyed my old shop in Castle Town, I'm nearly out of business. As a result, I've had to live off of loans for the last three years."

As he said this, the mask salesman's face took on an irritated look. "Speaking of loans, your mother will probably want that 5 million rupees that I owe her. I'm just glad she was so distracted the last time we met or else she would've beaten me half to death for not making my interest payments. Honestly, who charges a 300% interest rate to a fellow co-worker?"

Malon stopped in her tracks when she heard this and quickly turned around to face the HMS.

"You… Did you just say that you knew my mom?" Malon asked in disbelief.

The Happy Mask Salesman's smile returned when he heard the surprise in Malon's voice.

"Oh, didn't I tell you? I've been working with your mother for the last hundred thousand years or so. Though I have to say, it isn't easy working with a goddess who has less patience than a hungry Bokoblin. If there was ever a person who needed anger management sessions, it's your mother. Then again, at least she isn't a total stick-in-the-mud like Farore. I know there's a reason for her seriousness and all but her pessimistic attitude still gets on my nerves. And don't even get me started on Nayru. All the curses in the world wouldn't be enough to describe my feelings about that diva. Either way, just know that working with the three goddesses isn't an easy thing to do."

Malon was stunned into silence when she heard all of this.

Before she could say anything, however, a bolt of magical energy suddenly flew out of the surrounding darkness and incinerated the tree next to her.

Malon immediately assumed a defensive pose but her reaction seemed sluggish compared to the Happy Mask Salesman's lightning fast response to the threat. As soon as the magical attack had hit the tree, all of the masks on the outside of the HMS's backpack flew out and formed a defensive wall between the mystery attacker and the three of them.

"Run," the Happy Mask Salesman quickly told Malon and Yuna as he pulled out his lightsaber from his backpack. "I'll try to buy you some time while you get to the Great Deku Tree's Meadow. You'll be safe once you get there."

"Don't treat me like a defenseless little girl!" Malon retorted in an annoyed voice. "I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself!"

Malon fully expected the mask salesman to argue with her remark. As such, she was completely caught off guard when he turned to face her with a look of understanding.

"I'm sure you are," he told her with a smile. "However, based on that last attack, I'm guessing that our assailant surpasses even Nayru when it comes to magical prowess. Even with your raw strength, it'd be foolish to rush headlong into this battle. I strongly advise you to heed my words and get out of here."

"But…"

"And don't worry about me. I'll escape if things start to look too dangerous. Just make sure you get to the meadow as fast as you can. Remember, I won't be able to warp back to you once I escape due to the barriers around this place. Now go!"

Malon stood still for a couple of seconds before grudgingly nodding. With that, she and Yuna turned around to make their escape.

"You still have some explaining to do so you better come back alive!" Malon called out as she and Yuna began running into the dark woods.

"You got it kiddo," the Happy Mask Salesman said to himself as he activated his lightsaber. "I'll be sure to look after myself."

As soon as Malon and Yuna had disappeared from view, the HMS turned to face the surrounding darkness. As he started scanning the area to locate his foe, another blast of magical energy shot towards him at lightning speed. However, the mask shaped like Elvis Presley immediately flew forward and deflected the attack before it got anywhere close to the mask salesman.

"Impressive," the assailant called out from the woods. "I sensed that you were quite powerful but I didn't think you'd be able to block my attack that easily."

"Why don't you come out and face me like a man?" the Happy mask Salesman taunted, hoping to pinpoint his opponent's location by the sound of his voice. "If you're so high and mighty, why don't you engage me like a true warrior instead of hiding up there like some coward?"

The assailant merely let out an amused laugh in response. The HMS immediately seized this opportunity to direct his Mario mask to dive-bomb the area that the laughter had come from. However, the mask returned seconds later with no sign of its intended target.

"Not even close," the assailant called out from a different area in the woods. "You'll never be able to catch me using a simple trick like that."

"Then how about this?" the HMS retorted as he suddenly withdrew all his masks into his backpack and began charging up his energy. Seconds later, he released an immense wave of dark energy into the surrounding area.

The world of Hyrule had rarely seen an attack so devastating. All the trees in the nearby area were obliterated and boulders were turned to rubble as the energy wave spread outward. The destructive blast continued to destroy everything in its path until the three hundred yard radius around the HMS was literally turned to dust. As the debris from the immense magical blast finally settled, the shadowy form of the mystery assailant slowly came into view.

The Happy Mask Salesman wasted no time in lunging forward to strike his opponent with his lightsaber. However, he had barely taken his first step forward when he found himself suddenly immobilized by an invisible force.

"Meh. I guess that was mildly impressive," the assailant said in a bored tone as he dusted off his clothes. "Nothing compared to the devastation I could unleash but a decent attack nonetheless."

"Who are you?" the HMS asked as he tried in vain to free himself from his magical bonds.

The assailant gave another amused laugh before offering a reply.

"I suppose the time for explanations has arrived. Malon and Yuna should be far enough away by now so I don't see the need to continue this charade any longer."

With that, the fedora-wearing shopkeeper stepped out into the light with his giant spell book in hand.

"Surprise, surprise. It's time for the hidden ace to finally be revealed."

**xxx**

"Moo! Wait up!" Yuna called out to Malon as the two of them continued to race through the dark woods. "You're getting too far ahead of me!"

Hearing this, Malon reluctantly slowed down so that Yuna could catch up.

"Come on, Yuna!" Malon said in an impatient voice. "We need to hurry up and get to the meadow before that assailant shows up!"

"Easy for you to say!" Yuna shouted out in reply as she struggled to keep her pace. "I don't have the power of a goddess providing me with infinite energy!"

Finally realizing her friend's exhaustion, Malon came to a halt so that Yuna could recover.

"Thanks," Yuna managed to mutter as she stopped to catch her breath.

Malon remained silent as she scanned the area for any incoming threats. Seeing none at the moment, she turned her attention back to Yuna.

"Do you think it was a good idea to just leave him there like that?" Malon asked in a worried voice. "Maybe I should've stayed behind and fought as well."

"You would've only gotten in the way if you had stayed behind," Yuna responded as soon as she had fully recovered. "Despite what you think, a single punch isn't going to win you every fight you come across. There are some battles that you have to use your brains to win."

"Are you calling me stupid?"

Yuna was taken aback by the sudden sharpness in Malon's voice. Realizing that her companion was under a lot of stress, Yuna decided to choose her next words very carefully.

"I didn't mean it like that. What I'm trying to say is that spellcasters generally have the upper hand when facing off against close-range fighters. As such, you would've placed yourself in a lot of danger if you had tried to fight against a hidden mage like that."

"So what? A little danger doesn't scare me."

"It's not just some 'little danger' we're talking about here! You could've placed yourself in serious peril if you had gotten involved in that fight!"

"That still doesn't…"

"Don't you get it? You could've been killed!"

Malon was stunned into silence when she heard this. It wasn't so much what Yuna said that surprised her; it was the actual worry she detected in her friend's voice that got to her. In fact, even Yuna seemed surprised at what she had just blurted out.

"Er… not that it matters to me either way," Yuna quickly added in a lame attempt to hide her embarrassment.

Malon merely continued stared at her companion with the same surprised look on her face. Just when Yuna was about to yell at the farm girl to stop staring at her like that, Malon gave a small smile.

"So you do care about me," she said in a touched voice. "Who would've thought that the cold-hearted Yuna could actually show concern for another living being?"

"Shut it. I don't give a crap about what happens to you. I… I just like having my own personal bodyguard around, that's all."

"Riiiiight," Malon replied with a knowing grin on her face.

Yuna quickly decided that a change of subjects was needed.

"So… where exactly are we anyways? I'm pretty sure we've been running for more than fifteen minutes but I don't see anything resembling a meadow."

Malon was about to tell Yuna that distracting her was useless but stopped when she realized that she really had no idea where the two of them were at.

"Umm…"

Yuna gave a face-palm when she noticed Malon's confused expression.

"Not again. We're lost, aren't we?"

"No we're not! We just… umm… took a wrong turn while running away!"

"We were running in a straight line this whole time. How in the world could we have taken a wrong turn when there were no turns to make?"

"We could've… Okay, I got nothing."

Yuna gave an annoyed sigh before saying anything else.

"That's just great. So what are going to do now? Are we going to wander around and end up in Wonderland or wait here until help arrives?"

"We can't wait for help," Malon replied with a shake of her head. "The Happy Mask Salesman told us that he couldn't use his warping abilities in the woods. Besides, he'll probably have his hands full distracting our attacker right now. The only option that's available to us now is to find our way to the meadow by ourselves."

"And just how are we going to do that? The only direction that mask guy gave us was to run straight ahead from our original starting point. And now that we've managed to mess that up, I don't see how we're going find our way to that meadow without any proper directions!"

Malon brought a hand up to her chin as she assumed a thinking pose. After a few minutes, she snapped her fingers as an idea popped into her head.

"I got it! We'll just ask the author for directions!"

"Moo! Really? That's the best you can come up with?"

"You got any better ideas?" Malon said as she crossed her arms. "Besides, he did tell us to contact him in case there was an emergency."

"Yeah, but that was all a long time ago. Where's the guarantee that he'll even bother to listen to us right now?"

"I guess we'll find out soon enough," Malon replied before turning to face the sky. "Hey, author guy! Can you tell us how to get to the Great Deku Tree's Meadow?"

…

"See? He wouldn't…"

Take a right and follow the yellow brick road that I created just now. You'll find the meadow at the end of the path.

"Never mind."

"Thanks author guy!" Malon called out.

No problem.

After this gigantic fourth-wall breakage, Malon and Yuna turned to their right and immediately spotted the yellow brick road that I was talking about.

"Yes, we spotted the damn road already!" Yuna shouted out angrily. "You don't have to narrate every single thing we do! Speaking of which, what's up with the yellow brick road? Who in the world uses an archaic reference like that anymore?"

Shut up Yuna.

"Ugh. Of all the authors we could've ended up with, why this one?"

Because no one else would've been able to narrate this much randomness and still remain relatively sane. Now get going or I'll whack you to death with a churro.

"Relatively sane my ass," Yuna muttered before following Malon down the newly created path.

With that, the two heroes made their way deeper into the dark and mysterious woods.

**xxx  
><strong>_Entrance to Kakariko Village…_

"Pretty birdy," Link said in a dreamy voice as he and Navi made their way out into Hyrule Field. "Me want to eat it!"

Normally, Navi would've immediately smacked Link upside the head and then yelled at him for wasting their time with stupid remarks. However, she was currently too busy looking at her companion with a concerned look (or as concerned as a glowing ball of light could look) to carry out either of those actions.

"Umm… Link? Are you okay?" Navi asked in a worried voice.

"Shiny puffball talk to Link!" the hero exclaimed in surprise as he noticed Navi floating next to him. "Link no like shiny puffball! Shiny puffball has very annoying voice!"

Instead of getting angry, Navi just gave a sigh as she tried to figure out what to do.

Apparently, being violated forty-seven times by a bunch of Redeads and then being thrown into a death match with a giant, drum-playing phantom had been too much for the hero to handle. As a result, Link had come out of the Shadow Temple a bit more brain-damaged than usual.

"Ooh! Red birdy!" Link suddenly called out as he spotted one flying by. "Link wants to ride on giant red birdy like old Link!"

"Er, that's nice," Navi answered, starting to get really weirded out. "Hey, Link. Why don't we go back to Kakariko Village and get some rest? I really think you need it."

As soon as she said this, Link suddenly started screaming like a little girl and began running around in circles with his hands in the air.

"Link no go back to village!" he yelled out as he continued running around like a maniac. "Bad monsters live close to village! Monsters do bad things to Link if they get close to him!"

"Alright already!" Navi called out, desperately trying to calm down the distressed hero. "We won't go to the village then!"

Link ignored her as he continued to panic. Just when Navi began to worry that he would run into a populated area, Link smashed into a tree and knocked himself out.

Navi just stared at the unmoving form of the hero for a few seconds before shaking her head.

_I pity the poor souls that had to call this idiot their son._

Before Navi could do anything else, Link suddenly sat up and looked around with a confused look on his face.

"What happened?" Link said as he slowly got up. "I just had this horrible dream about being violated by a bunch of Redeads and then battling a drum-playing phantom on top of a pool of acid. Everything became fuzzy after that but I remember something about shiny puffballs and giant red birds. I'm also pretty sure I saw a vision of me wearing a talking hat, but that's just ridiculous. Everyone knows that talking hats don't exist."

Realizing that her companion was back to his normal self (or as normal as he ever got), Navi flew over to explain the situation to him.

"Oh, hi there Navi!" Link exclaimed brightly as he saw his fairy companion. "Can you tell me what happened just now?"

"Yeah. You went totally wacko after going through the Shadow Temple and then bashed your head against a tree."

"Are you sure that's all that really happened? Because I remember something about a talking boat being involved as well."

Navi couldn't stop herself from face-planting at this comment.

"That's it," Navi declared as she pulled herself out of the hole she had just made in the ground. "You definitely need to get some rest. Since you obviously don't want to go back to Kakariko Village, let's head over to that ranch you constantly like to visit. Hopefully, that farm girl will be generous enough to let you stay and recover for a few days."

"So we're going to Lon Lon Ranch?" Link asked in an excited voice. "Hooray! I can't wait to show off all my new items to Malon! Speaking of which, I bet she'll be super impressed by my awesome hammer wielding skills!"

As if to highlight his point, Link took out the Megaton Hammer and proceeded to run around while swinging it around like a madman.

"Why do I get the feeling that this is going to end very badly?" Navi muttered as she followed the trail of carnage that Link left in his wake.

**xxx  
><strong>_Lost Woods…_

The shadowy form of Marluxia slipped silently through the dark woods as he continued the search for his intended target.

Despite the leader's daily speeches about the Organization's superior power and technology, Marluxia knew that their teleportation systems were decades behind those of Microsoft's. Even with their new technique of traveling through the fourth wall (which practically allowed them to slip past any defenses set around their target location), their teleportation technology was still rather obsolete. The fact that he had just been warped in miles away from his intended destination only served to cement Marluxia's belief that the tech department wasn't receiving enough funds. In fact, a popular question among the Organization's scientists was where all the potential research money was being spent on.

_It's probably being used to fund the leader's hair gel supply_, Marluxia thought with an amused smile. _I don't see how anyone can get their hair to be so spiky without a bucketful of that stuff._

Although no one dared to say it out loud, he knew that the leader's hair-style was something of a joke among the Organization members. A few years back, one brave (and foolish) soldier had actually made a joke about the leader's hair looking like a giant Chocobo. Unfortunately for him, the leader happened to walk into the room right at that exact moment. Needless to say, all that remained of the poor guy was a smoking crater and a small pile of ashes.

_The leader definitely needs to develop a sense of humor. Of course, if I was in charge and someone said that about my hair, I probably would've done the same thing…_

At this thought, Marluxia's expression turned sour. Despite his extraordinary power and magical skills, Marluxia had never been able to advance beyond his current rank of Specialist. To a vain and egotistical man such as Marluxia, this was enough to make him furious, outraged, and sick with anger.

However, the part that really drove him nuts was the fact that he was outranked by the biggest bimbo in the entire video game universe: Yuffie Kisaragi. In all his life as a professional assassin, Marluxia had never encountered a person as annoying and empty-headed as that accursed ninja girl. He knew that she was one of the Organization's founding members but that still didn't lessen the fact that she was a total ditz who annoyed the shit out of everyone she met. Even the leader wasn't immune to Yuffie's constant pestering. Marluxia had once seen him destroy an entire castle in frustration after spending three minutes within her presence. If it wasn't for the fact that she was the Organization's best infiltrator and thief, she probably would've been obliterated ages ago.

_I swear, if I have to spend another year under that girl's command, I'm going to do the same thing I did in Chain of Memories, minus the part where I get killed by a little brat._

Despite his thoughts, Marluxia knew better than to form a rebellion against the Organization. Every Organization member knew the story about the former division that tried and failed to overthrow the leader. Although Marluxia never managed to find out the details behind that coup, he knew that not a single rebel had been left alive. As the leader continuously reminded them, insubordination was not tolerated within the Organization.

Marluxia's thoughts were suddenly interrupted as his scanner made a small beeping noise. He quickly pulled out a small, compass-like contraption and activated the display. A holographic image of his surrounding landscape immediately popped up and showed two moving dots a few hundred yards off to his left. Marluxia realized that he was now extremely close to his target and that he couldn't afford to be distracted by anymore petty thoughts. Focusing solely on his objective now, he quickened his pace while concealing his presence as best as he could.

After a few minutes, he managed to catch a glimpse of his target. The girl matched the description he had been given perfectly so he knew with absolute certainty that she was the one he was supposed to capture. Despite their close proximity, she was still unaware of his presence as she continued to walk along a very conspicuous yellow brick road with a cow by her side. Normally, he would've questioned this strange scene but his mind was currently focused only on his mission. With great care, he continued to make his way through the trees until he crouched behind a large bush that was only a few feet away from his target. At this range, he knew that the girl wouldn't be able to react in time to dodge or deflect any of his attacks. With a faint smile on his lips, Marluxia silently formed an energy sphere in his hand and prepared to use it on the unsuspecting girl. Barely suppressing his urge to laugh triumphantly, he rose up from his hiding spot and swung his arm forward…

only to have a large boulder fall directly on top of him.

**xxx  
><strong>_Hyrule Field…_

"Whoa! Did you see how far I managed to hit that boulder with my hammer?"

Navi could only give a sigh as she continued following her hammer-wielding companion.

"Link, please stop doing that," she called out in a tired voice. "You have no idea where those boulders will land after you hit them. For all we know, they can be falling on some poor guy who was just minding his own business."

Link promptly ignored her as he sent another boulder flying halfway across Hyrule with the Megaton Hammer.

"Never mind," Navi said, realizing a lost cause when she saw one. "It's apparent you won't listen to a thing I say. You know, I normally would've questioned how anyone could send a boulder flying by hitting it with a hammer but by now I know better than to question anything that has to do with you."

As she said this, a bunch of Cuccos suddenly appeared out of nowhere and started doing the Funky Chicken in front of her.

"Case in point."

**xxx  
><strong>_Lost Woods…_

"Moo! What's the deal with all these boulders falling from the sky?" Yuna asked as she and Malon continued to dodge the giant rocks that were raining down on them.

"Maybe it's some kind of defense system set around the meadow to ward off intruders," Malon theorized as she sidestepped an incoming boulder. "We've been walking for a while now so we must be getting close."

"If that's true, this is one weird defense system they got around here."

"No kidding. By the way, did you hear somebody scream right after the boulders started falling?"

"You must be imagining things. We're probably the only living beings within a mile of this place."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Either way, I just wish this hail of boulders would stop."

I'll take care of that.

"What the…? Was that the author just now?" Yuna asked in surprise.

Instead of hearing a response, the skies suddenly cleared as the strange downpour of giant rocks stopped.

Malon and Yuna remained silent for a while as they tried to figure out what had just happened.

"Umm… did the author just help us out even though we weren't in any kind of major trouble?" Malon asked in a confused voice.

"I think he just did," Yuna responded in an equally bewildered voice. "Something's definitely wrong here. It's not like that idiot author to help us out with something as trivial as this."

What's with the surprise? I can be charitable when I feel like it.

"Okay, author guy. What do you want from us?" Malon asked with her arms crossed. "I think we all know that you wouldn't intervene like this unless you needed me and Yuna to do something for you."

Alright, I'll get to the point. I need you to repay that debt you owe me.

"What debt?"

Remember the deal you made with me back in chapter three? You said that you would kill somebody for me if I gave you Naruto powers. I'm here to make sure you fulfill your end of the bargain.

"I can't believe you actually still remembered that," Malon said with a face-palm. "I thought you would've forgotten that by the time we got to the Twilight Realm Science chapters."

"Moo! I think it's safe to say that the author really needs to get a life."

Shut up Yuna.

"Okay, that's enough," Malon said with a sigh. "A promise is a promise, even if it was made a thousand chapters ago. Alright, where's the guy you want me to kill so badly?"

Just keep following the yellow brick road. You'll find him in a small clearing after you pass that giant cluster of bushes up ahead.

"Whatever you say," Malon said in an exasperated voice as she and Yuna began walking forward once again.

As soon as Malon and Yuna reached the clearing that was described above, the two of them noticed a lone figure standing in the center of the area.

"Alright, let's get this over with," Malon said as she began cracking her knuckles. "I don't want to waste anymore time here."

"Moo! Wait! Why don't we figure out who this guy is before you try to kill him? I don't know about you, but I don't exactly trust this author of ours."

Now that's a big surprise.

"Shut up, you stupid author!" Yuna shouted out into the sky. "No one likes you anyways!"

That was uncalled for. Anyways, why don't you take a look at this before you question my orders to kill that guy?

Almost immediately, a lone ray of sunshine somehow made its way through the thick foliage and lit up the clearing.

"What's this supposed to prove?" Yuna asked in an annoyed voice. "I don't see anything wrong with… Holy cow! It's… it's…!"

"It's a sparkling vampire!" Malon shouted out in horror as she realized exactly what she was looking at.

"Moo! Kill it! Kill it now!"

And Malon went off to do just that.

**xxx**

Marluxia trudged along the yellow brick road as he tried desperately to catch up with his target. After finally managing to get the boulder off of him, Marluxia had continued following the girl as best as he could. However, considering all the broken bones he had sustained, this was no easy task. If it wasn't for the handy yellow brick road guiding him, he would've already lost them by now.

_When I get my hands on whoever threw that rock at me, I'll…_

Marluxia didn't get to finish his thoughts as something small and feathery suddenly hit his head. After regaining his balance, Marluxia quickly looked around to see what had collided with him. He soon found what he was looking for as he noticed a small Cucco standing next to him.

"What the…? Who the hell just threw this stupid ball of feathers at me?" Marluxia shouted out furiously as he picked up the Cucco.

Unfortunately for Marluxia, the "stupid ball of feathers" he was currently holding in his hands had been having a bad day and the fact that it was being grabbed and insulted by a strange-looking man really didn't help improve its mood. As a result, the Cucco immediately started crowing as loud as it possibly could.

"Ugh. Stupid bird," Marluxia disdainfully said as he flung the bird away. "If I wasn't in such a hurry, I would've… what's that sound?"

Much to Marluxia's confusion and horror, a large mass of Cuccos suddenly poured into the woods in answer to the crowing of its kin. As he watched, more and more Cuccos made their way into the woods until their numbers were uncountable. And if this wasn't frightening enough already, a large number of Cuccos suddenly began to burrow their way out of the ground like some undead army as well. Soon, Marluxia was surrounded on all sides by a swarm of vengeful chickens.

"Oh, shit… Umm… Heh… heh… Polly… want a cracker?" Marluxia fearfully said as he pulled out a small biscuit from his rations pack and held it out with shaking hands.

In response, the Cucco that Marluxia had just thrown made its way to the front of the crowd and glared at the pink-haired man with merciless eyes. Before Marluxia could do anything, the lead Cucco pointed its wing forward and uttered a short squawk.

The Cuccos immediately responded by lunging at their prey with bloodlust gleaming off of their eyes. There was only one thing that Marluxia could do before he disappeared within a flurry of feathers and razor-sharp talons: scream like the little wuss he was.

**xxx  
><strong>_Hyrule Field…_

"Whew. I thought those Cuccos would never leave," Link said as he got up from the fetal position he had just been in. "I honestly wonder why they hate me so much."

"Well, it was your fault for hitting one of them with your hammer," Navi replied as she flew over to her companion. "I'd probably attack you too if I saw one of my friends being sent to who-knows-where by a hammer-wielding lunatic."

"Still, they didn't have to maul me that viciously," Link muttered as he pulled out a Red Potion from his item-pouch. "If I had to guess, I'd say those Cuccos are the reincarnation of some demon king who lived thousands of years ago."

Navi just stared at Link curiously as she watched him gulp down his potion.

"You sure have one active imagination," Navi commented as she turned to face the field. "Anyways, we better get moving. The sooner we get you properly rested, the sooner we can put an end to our little adventure."

"Aye, aye, captain," Link replied as he put away the now-empty bottle.

With that, the two of them continued on towards LonLon Ranch.

**xxx  
><strong>_Lost Woods…_

The Happy Mask Salesman stared at the cloaked shopkeeper with a shocked look on his face as he tried to take in the information he had just received.

"You're absolutely sure about this?" the HMS managed to say after a lengthy silence. "I mean, this isn't just some wild speculation, is it?"

"What I tell you is the truth," the shopkeeper replied in a bored tone as he started inspecting his nails. "Whether you believe me or not is up to you."

Another silence lapsed between the two of them as the Happy Mask Salesman tried to regain his composure.

"So… What is it that you want me to do?" the HMS finally asked. "If you really are the person you claim to be you must have some kind of plan in mind."

"I do. First off, I strongly recommend that you share this information with Din. If my calculations are correct, she'll have an important role to play in this yet. After she has joined up with you, seek out the person that I told you about. Remember, everything depends on whether or not she joins us."

"Why can't I just go directly to her and ask for her help by myself?" the Happy Mask Salesman cut in. "After all, I am already acquainted with her."

"Trust me. Din is the only one that can convince her to join our cause. Anyways, once the three of you are together, head over to Romani Ranch and wait for Master Chief to contact you. He'll then relay the rest of my orders to you."

"Are you sure about this?" the HMS interrupted once more. "Despite everything you've told me, I still have my reservations about trusting that Microsoft bastard."

"Don't let the past cloud your judgment," the shopkeeper said in a stern voice. "You have to remember that the only reason Nintendo was able to defeat Organization VII the first time was thanks to Microsoft's help."

"I think you're forgetting the part where they double-crossed us after the war and killed Mewtwo."

"That was actually the work of the_ Gears of War_ faction but that's a story for another time," the shopkeeper said with a wave of his hand. "The fact remains that we either join together or die alone."

At that moment, a small beeping noise began to emanate from the shopkeeper's watch. He looked at the small screen with a frown before pressing one of the numerous buttons on it. Almost immediately, a robotic voice spoke out from the watch.

_Commander, I'm detecting a large squadron of fangirls headed towards a number of Nintendo strongholds. Their numbers are estimated to be in the millions with thousands more heading out to reinforce them._

"Understood," the shopkeeper told what the HMS assumed to be a computer. "Continue to monitor their activities for the time being. Alert me if they launch any form of attack."

With that, the shopkeeper turned off his communicator and faced the mask salesman with a grim look.

"We're running out of time. I'm going to head out and see what I can do about these fangirls. You should get moving as well and find Din as fast as you can."

"Wait!" the Happy Mask Salesman called out as the shopkeeper started to walk off into the woods. "You forgot to tell me something! Who's leading Organization VII this time?"

"Isn't that obvious?" the shopkeeper said without looking back. "Who else would have an army of fangirls at his side as well as a personal grudge against Nintendo?"

"But that doesn't make any sense! He was killed during the invasion of Midgar!"

The shopkeeper gave a dry laugh before replying.

"You're sorely mistaken about that. The person that Nintendo killed during that attack was actually a decoy named Zack Fair. The real leader, as well as a handful of the Organization's elite members, managed to escape from the fortress before it was completely overrun."

A look of pure dread settled on the Happy Mask Salesman's face as he realized what this meant.

"Then… that means the current leader of Organization VII is…"

"Exactly," the shopkeeper said as he stepped into the shadows of the forest. "The leader is none other than the tyrant of the Final Fantasy universe himself: Cloud Strife."

And with that, the shopkeeper vanished completely, leaving only a very unnerved mask salesman behind along with an ominous sense of dread hanging in the air.


	19. Farewells and a New Beginning

Well, it's been over three months since I last updated but I finally managed to get it out at last. I guess I could write a five page explanation as to why it took so long to post this chapter but I think this one sentence will do the job: This is the last chapter of Malon's Epic Cow Delivery. Yes, you read that correctly. After nineteen chapters of insanity and randomness, Malon's journey across Hyrule will finally come to an end in this epic finale. Now, before you start pulling out your torches and pitchforks, just know that while Malon's Epic Cow Delivery will come to an end, the story won't end here.

Yep, you guessed it. There will indeed be a sequel. And no, this isn't a joke. In fact, I've been planning this sequel since Ch 5. After brainstorming some ideas for the battle against Cloud, I realized that the war scenes themselves could make up an entire story. As such, I decided to make a sequel to contain all the action and epicness that I planned. The sequel will still be relatively funny but the overall feel of it will be more darker than its prequel. The reason for this is because the sequel will be based on Majora's Mask; much like this story was based on Ocarina of Time. It won't be a meanwhile story but I promise I'll work hard to retain it's humorous and random roots. After all, the last thing I want is for my sequel to end up like Naruto Shippuden :P

Speaking of which, the sequel will have quite a few non-LoZ characters in it but don't let that bother you. I'll do my best to describe the new characters as thoroughly as possible and you can always just google image them if you want a better picture. Besides, most of them will be so OOC that you can just regard them as OCs. Man, that's a lot of O's and C's in one sentence...

Anyways, I'll put out some more information about the sequel in the epilogue so don't give up on this story just yet. I should have the epilogue out in at least a month so be sure to keep an eye out for that since it'll be the connecting link between this story and the sequel.

Also, check out my new and improved profile after reading this chapter. I've had to keep some secrets to prevent spoilers but I feel I can release them now. There will also be a poll on who your favorite characters were in Malon's Epic Cow Delivery. I'm interested to see which characters you found to be the most interesting or funny so that I can put more characters like them in the sequel.

Finally, I thank each and every one of you who's followed my story up to this point.I know most of you have heard this over a billion times already but I'll say it anyways: this story wouldn't have gotten this far if it wasn't for all of you. Also, thanks to everyone who's submitted a review. Even now, I can hardly believe that this story has over two hundred reviews. And to those of you who have actually reviewed every single chapter, just know that you're all awesome. You guys get a virtual high-five and an imaginary piece of the Triforce! :D

Okay, let's get this party started. Without further ado, I present to you the stunning conclusion to Malon's Epic Cow Delivery!

* * *

><p>"<em>Every story must have an ending." – Auron, Final Fantasy X<em>

**Malon's Epic Cow Delivery  
>Ch 19: Farewells and a New Beginning<strong>

"Moo! I still can't believe what you just did."

"Give it a rest Yuna. I only did what I had to do in that situation."

"You strangled that vampire with his own intestines before turning him into dust with a Kamehameha…."

"Okay, so I went a little overboard. So what? You wanted that abomination dead just as much as I did."

"Okay, good point. But I have to ask, where the hell did that Kamehameha come from?"

"Where else? The author gave me access to pretty much every ability known to him so I could kill that sparkling monstrosity in the most painful way possible."

"That would explain your force-lightning usage right before you ripped out his intestines."

"Yep."

With this interesting dialogue out of the way, Malon and Yuna continued to follow the yellow brick road towards the Great Deku Tree's Meadow.

After a few more minutes of walking, Malon noticed that the atmosphere around the woods was slowly beginning to change. The ominous, forbidding feeling that had hung over the place like a dark cloud was soon replaced by a more cheerful and livelier vibe as the two continued to walk further in. After a while, even the sound of birds and other woodland creatures could be heard as the gloominess finally faded away altogether. As if to highlight this dramatic transition, the trees around them slowly parted to show the clear blue skies above as sunlight filtered down and lit up the now, lush green forest. Mysterious trails of light also began to take form as they danced their way across the air. In the background, a very upbeat melody began to play from an unidentifiable source. Malon remembered Link playing the exact same song on his ocarina during one of his visits but she couldn't remember what he had called it. Either way, the woods suddenly seemed a much more hospitable place than it had a few minutes ago.

"This is starting to look promising," Yuna said in a mildly impressed tone. "I had my doubts about this Kokiri Forest place but it looks like it just might fit my standards after all."

Before Malon could answer, the yellow brick road suddenly disappeared as the two of them came upon a wide-open meadow with a giant tree in its center. Realizing that they had finally reached their destination, Malon and Yuna hurried over towards what they presumed to be the Great Deku Tree. Unfortunately, the two of them were met with a very unpleasant surprise as they realized that the tree was dead, as apparent by its withered and decaying husk. As expected, a certain irate cow lost her temper right then and there.

"Moo! Are you freaking serious? Of all the trees in the forest, are you telling me the one whose help we needed is dead? This is absolute bull-shit! Honestly, I've had it with this world! It's just one thing after the next! If it isn't some crazy assassin trying to kill us or a psychotic science experiment tricking us into taking over an alternate dimension, it's a stupid dead tree that's going to turn our entire journey into a gigantic waste of time!"

While Yuna continued to rage at the world, Malon quietly went over to the dead tree as she tried to make sense of the situation.

"That's strange," Malon muttered to herself as she inspected the dead tree. "From the looks of it, I'd say this tree's been dead for quite some time now. And come to think of it, I'm pretty sure Link once told me about how the Great Deku Tree died right before he left the forest. But if that's true, why did the Happy Mask Salesman talk about it as if it were still alive? Hmm. There's something I'm missing here but I just can't figure out what."

After carefully examining the dead tree one more time for anymore possible clues, Malon slumped down next to a small, round tree in defeat. Yuna soon joined her as she grew tired of shouting angrily at the world with no apparent response.

"So now what?" Yuna asked in a surly tone. "With that stupid tree dead, I doubt we'll be able to get into Kokiri Forest now."

"Maybe we can ask the author again for help?" Malon asked hopefully.

Don't count on it.

"Drats. Well, it was worth a shot."

"Ugh. Why do these things always happen to us?" Yuna complained as she started kicking the small tree next to Malon to relieve her pent up frustration. "I honestly can't imagine anyone having a worse day than us right now."

"Try being repeatedly kicked in the face by an irate cow," an angry voice suddenly called out. "That'll ruin your day pretty fast."

Malon and Yuna immediately snapped to attention as they tried to figure out who had just spoken. Much to their confusion, however, the meadow was just as empty as when they had first entered.

"Okay… Is… umm… anyone there?" Malon hesitantly asked as she continued looking for the mysterious speaker.

"Down here," the voice replied again from right next to the two.

Malon and Yuna quickly turned around and noticed the small sprout next to them. Much to their surprise, they found that the sprout had a face on it as well as two small branches sticking out of its sides like little arms. To add to the tree's already strange appearance, a small twig stuck out of its mouth like some kind of cigar. Normally, one might've called the sprout cute but as of the moment, the small tree was glaring at the two of them with its arm-branches crossed over its head/body.

"So you finally found me," the sprout declared in an indignant tone. "Now that that's settled, would either of you please explain to me why I was getting kicked in the face earlier when I was just innocently taking a nap?"

"Oh… umm… Sorry about that Mr. Tree," Malon quickly apologized. "We didn't realize you were actually alive."

The small tree gave an exasperated sigh before answering the farm girl.

"Okay, first off, all trees are alive. It's just that most of them aren't as talkative as me. Second of all, don't call me Mr. Tree. That's the name of my stupid movie star brother. Lastly…"

"Wait," Malon suddenly interrupted. "Are you telling me that trees can actually become movie stars?"

"Yes," the sprout replied with a roll of his eyes. "You've probably seen my brother in quite a few films. From what I know of, he came out as an Ent in the second _Lord of the Rings_ movie. Apparently, he's the one that the Orcs set on fire during the invasion of Isengard. Man, I wish I could've done that to him in real life. Anyways, I'm also pretty sure he made an appearance in one of the _Narnia_ movies as well but seeing as how I'm not much of a movie fanatic, I never really saw that one myself."

"…"

"Anywho… Care to explain why the two of you are trespassing on my meadow?"

A stunned silence fell over Malon and Yuna as they slowly realized exactly who the sprout was.

"Wait. Are you saying you're the Great Deku Tree?" Yuna finally asked in surprise.

"No duh. How many other magical talking trees do you know?"

"Well, there's the Maku Trees from the Oracle games," Malon pointed out. "Plus, there's that brother of yours that you just mentioned."

"That was a rhetorical question…"

"Speaking of questions, why the hell are you so pathetically small?" Yuna asked as she looked at the sprout with a skeptical gaze. "For a super-powerful nature spirit, you sure don't look like much."

"That's because my old body was destroyed by a giant spider queen," the Great Deku Sprout answered as he pointed at the dead tree behind him. "Apparently, Ms. Gohma lost it big at one of my casinos and decided to take her anger out on me. Of course, I wasn't going to take this lying down so I sent in Link to annihilate her. In hindsight, that probably wasn't the smartest idea seeing as how that idiot burned down most of my major organs while trying to find Gohma. I probably could've recovered from Gohma's attack if it wasn't for that. Oh, well. At least that little fiasco gave me the perfect excuse to finally kick him out of the forest and send him away on his magical little adventure."

"…"

"But enough about me. Who in Din's name are you two?"

After taking a few seconds to recover from the Great Deku Sprout's excessively lengthy speech, Malon finally introduced herself to the guardian of Kokiri Forest.

"Oh, right. I'm Malon LonLon and this is…"

She wasn't able to finish her sentence as the Great Deku Sprout's twig-cigar dropped to the floor as his mouth fell open in shock. As Malon continued to stare at him with a confused expression, the small tree desperately tried to stutter something out as his branches started to shake in fear.

"Oh, no... Don't tell me… You… You're Din's daughter, aren't you?" the Great Deku Sprout finally managed to say in a terrified voice. "She… she sent you to collect my debts didn't she?"

"Umm… what are you…?"

"Please don't kill me!" the little tree suddenly shouted out in panic. "I've been meaning to pay back that loan, I swear! It's just that I've been busy paying off that casino loan that I got off of Farore first! Just give me a few more months! I promise I'll have the money by then! I beg you!"

As he said this, the Great Deku Sprout tried to bow before Malon, nearly uprooting himself in the process.

"Whoa! Hold it! I'm not here to collect any debts!" Malon quickly said, fearing that the little tree would end up killing himself if he managed to complete his bow. "I was just trying to get into Kokiri Forest, that's all."

"So… you're not here to collect the money?" the Great Deku Sprout asked hesitantly from his near horizontal position.

"No. I'm just trying to set up a new home for my friend here. I heard Kokiri Forest was a nice place to live so I brought her here."

Hearing this, the Great Deku Sprout let out a sigh of relief.

"Whew! I thought for sure that you were going to turn me into firewood and roast marshmallows over me! After all, Din threatened to do the exact same thing to me if I didn't have the money the next time she visited. Anyways… umm… would you mind straightening me out? I think I pulled up quite a few of my roots just now."

Malon gave a small sigh before heading over to help out the Not-So-Great Deku Sprout.

"Heh. It sounds like your mom's quite the loan shark around here," Yuna told her companion with an amused look on her face. "This is the second person we've run into that's in serious debt with her."

"Yeah, no kidding," Malon grunted as she tried pulling back the small tree into to his original position. "At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if the royal family is in debt with her."

"Ow! Ow! Hey, easy on the roots! They're very sensitive!" the Great Deku Sprout complained as he was put back in place. "Sheesh! Are all your family members this rough with their subordinates?"

Malon didn't bother to reply as she focused on replanting the young tree. After a few more complaint-filled minutes, she finally succeeded in putting the Great Deku Sprout back in place.

"Well, that's that," Malon said as she dusted off her hands. "Now then, would you mind letting us into Kokiri Forest now? I've wasted more than enough time here."

"Yeah, fine," the little tree muttered as he twisted around his body to make sure he was firmly secured to the ground. "Like I really have much of a choice at this point."

As he said this, a cluster of trees behind them suddenly shifted to reveal a pathway leading into what Malon and Yuna presumed to be Kokiri Forest.

"Most of the Kokiri should be taking a nap right now so try not to wake them up," the Great Deku Sprout told the two as he continued to stretch his replanted body. "I don't want them freaking out over a random Hylian walking into the forest, so try to keep a low profile. As for the cow, you can drop her off anywhere you want. I'll get the Kokiri to look after her so no worries there. Once you're done with your business here, just head west and you'll see the exit."

"We'll keep that in mind," Malon called out as she and Yuna began walking towards the newly revealed path. "And thanks for all the help!"

"Don't mention it. Just make sure not tell your mom about what happened today. I don't think she'll be very happy if she finds out that I still don't have her money."

"Sure thing."

With that, Malon and Yuna turned a corner and the Great Deku Sprout disappeared from their view.

"Well, that was certainly… interesting," Yuna commented after a brief silence. "Though I have to say, I never imagined the Great Deku Tree to be such an annoying little runt."

"Oh, come on. He wasn't that bad," Malon replied with a smile. "I thought he was rather funny."

"Yeah, you would think that," Yuna said in her usual sarcastic manner. "Anyways, there is one thing I didn't get though. Why weren't you surprised when you heard that the Great Deku Sprout knew about you and your mom? You usually freak out whenever that happens."

"I guess I'm getting used to it. Plus, I was already expecting the Great Deku Tree to know about me. I assumed that most deities like to keep up with what the other higher beings are up to."

"Right. So according to you, all the deities have some sort of social network where they can check on each other's private lives. I find that kind of hard to believe."

**xxx  
><strong>_Pokémon Universe, rift between the space-time continuum…_

"Hey, Palkia! Are you wasting your time on Godbook again?" Dialga asked as he leaned over to see what his roommate was doing on his oversized computer. "I swear, you spend more time on that stupid site than most people do living their pathetic mortal lives."

"Shut it," Palkia retorted while keeping his attention fixated on the screen. "You're just jealous because I have more friends than you."

"Whatever. If you ask me, terrorizing lesser beings is a way better pastime than reading about what Nayru had for breakfast or some other stupid nonsense like that."

"Funny you should mention Nayru. One of the Great Fairies just sent me a video about that diva a few minutes ago. I haven't seen it yet but the Great Fairy said it was 'epic lulz'. Want to watch?"

Dialga thought about the proposition for a few seconds before giving a shrug.

"Eh, why not. I haven't got anything better to do for the time being. Scoot over so I can see."

Once his roommate was properly seated, Palkia opened up the video and the two of them stared at the computer expectantly.

"I'm not seeing anything interesting," Dialga complained as the camera opened up to show an apparently empty room. "This better not be another dumb video about… Is that Nayru and Farore with dual flamethrowers in their hands?"

"Oh, this is going to be good," Palkia said as he rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "It's been a while since I've seen a good catfight between these two."

After five minutes of nonstop, explosive action involving flamethrowers, nukes, narwhals, and a giant spicy burrito, even Dialga had to admit that he was 'mildly amused' by the video.

**xxx  
><strong>_Back with our main characters…_

"Looks like we made it," Malon said in awe as she dazedly stepped into the destination that took her nineteen whole chapters to reach. "We finally managed to make it to Kokiri Forest."

Ever since Link had first told her about Kokiri Forest, Malon had wondered exactly what the place looked like. Now that she was able to see the place for herself, Malon had to admit that the village was even more beautiful than she had imagined. Surrounded by numerous trees and tall cliffs, the place felt like a safe haven separated from the troubles of the outside world. A sense of timeless wonder radiated from the village as if personifying the eternal youth of its inhabitants. And indeed the entire village itself seemed to be ageless. The various plants living within the forest were all lush and flourishing as if they were all in the prime of their life. A crystal-clear spring flowed through most of the village, its musical sound blending flawlessly with the surrounding nature. The strange trails of light that Malon had noticed before were found throughout the village as well, covering the entire place with its mystifying glow. Even more astounding however were the various tree-houses scattered throughout the village. Every single one of them seemed to be actual trees that had been magically shaped to look like small homes. All things considered, Malon had never seen such a spectacular village in her whole life.

"I never thought I'd say this but this place was totally worth the nineteen chapters of pure torture," Yuna commented, clearly impressed by what she saw. "Seriously, I can't believe I'm getting my own house in a place like this. Most people don't have vacation homes that are this nice."

Upon hearing this, Malon suddenly got a guilty look on her face. Yuna immediately noticed this and gave a tired sigh.

"What now?" Yuna asked in an annoyed tone. "Whenever you get that look, you either start telling me long-winded backstories or confess to doing something extremely stupid. And I'm getting the feeling it's the latter in this case."

"Well… umm… there's something you should know before we get to your new home."

"If you're going to tell me that you're actually just delivering me as a present for that idiot boyfriend of yours, don't bother," Yuna interrupted in a matter-of-fact voice. "I've already known that since the beginning. I heard you telling him about some kind of present right before you dragged me into this crazy misadventure so it wasn't all that hard to figure out what you were really up to. Of course, I just wanted to get away from the ranch at the time so I didn't bother complaining."

Malon stared at Yuna in surprise when she heard this. However, her shock quickly faded away into embarrassment when she realized what Yuna had just implied.

"Link's not my boyfriend," Malon replied in a flustered way. "He's just a guy who happens to be my friend."

"I've heard that one before. And besides, you're blushing."

"N… no I'm not!" Malon shot back, her face becoming almost as red as her hair. "You're just seeing things!"

"Am I? Well, either way, I don't really mind living in that idiot's house. From what you've told me, he hardly comes here anyways. And if he does decide to visit, I'll just kick him out of the house or something."

Malon wanted to tell her that there was something wrong about kicking someone out of their own house but decided against it. Instead, she began looking around the village for Link's house before Yuna could start teasing her again. Luckily, Malon already had a vague idea about where the house was thanks to Link's past recounts of his life in Kokiri Forest. As such, she managed to find the correct tree-house after only a few short minutes of searching. However, a new problem presented itself as soon as they laid their eyes on the entrance.

"Moo! You brought me to a house that's placed at the top of a tree?" Yuna asked incredulously as she saw the ladder leading up to the entrance. "What do I look like to you, some kind of giant bird?"

"Hey don't blame this on me! I didn't know what the house looked like either!" Malon countered. "Link only gave me a vague idea of what his childhood home looked like when he told me about this place! I mean, whenever he mentioned Kokiri Forest, it was usually just to brag about how he set his childhood bully's underwear drawer on fire every week!"

"I did not need to know that…"

"Regardless, we need to get you to your new home. We went through too much to simply turn back now."

"And I suppose you have some genius idea on how to get me up… oh, no," Yuna trailed off as she saw the sudden gleam in Malon's eyes. "Don't you even dare think about..."

"Too late," Malon said as she lifted up Yuna in one hand and started climbing up the ladder.

Several swear words later, Malon and Yuna were both safely inside Link's house.

"Moo! How many times do I have to tell you to stop carrying me around like some kind of handbag?" Yuna angrily yelled at her companion. "I don't think you realize this but it's very degrading to be carried around like that!"

"Whatever. The important thing is that you're now finally inside your new home."

Yuna simply gave an irritated sigh in response before turning around to take a look at the room. The first thought that ran across her mind as she scanned the area was how boring the place looked. Aside from the scenic view of the village from the door and window, there was barely anything else worth noting about the place. A lone bed and a few tables littered the surprisingly spacious room making the entire place seem rather empty. In the corner, a large bale of hay could be seen along with several empty buckets. However, the one thing that surprised Yuna was how clean the place looked. Even after being deserted for seven years, not a single speck of dust could be seen anywhere in the house. After pondering about this for a few seconds, Yuna came to the conclusion that the Kokiri had been taking care of the place over the last few years.

"Well?" Malon asked anxiously once Yuna had finished inspecting the house. "What do you think of the place?"

After a brief silence, Yuna gave a nonchalant shrug before answering.

"Meh. It's nothing special but… I like it."

As soon as she heard this, Malon couldn't stop herself from cheering out loud.

"Woohoo! Yes! Mission success! Nothing can stop my awesome delivery skills!"

"Whoa! Calm down!" Yuna interrupted while trying to conceal her own smile. "You might wake up the entire Kokiri tribe if you continue on with your little celebration!"

"Oh, oops," Malon said with a sheepish grin as she quickly regained her composure. "I guess I got a little carried away there."

"You think? And here I was thinking that I'd finally get some peace and quiet."

"Sounds like someone's getting old," Malon replied with a mischievous grin.

Yuna merely rolled her eyes and gave another sigh as Malon began giggling at her own joke. After a while though, Malon's laughter faded away as an awkward silence fell between the two of them.

"So…," Malon finally said in a hesitant way, as if she was unsure of what to say next. "I guess this is where we part ways then."

"I guess so," Yuna replied in an equally uncertain way. "You know, I never really thought that we'd make it this far."

"Yeah. It's kind of a strange feeling really. I was so focused on getting here that I never really thought about what to do afterwards."

"What's there to think about? You just have to go back to your ranch and I'll live out the rest of my boring existence in this place. Seems like a fairly simple plan to me."

"That's not what I meant. I just… I mean… after all we've been through… it just seems weird that we'd have to go our separate ways now."

"Well, that's life for you. It's just like that mask salesman said. Whenever there's a meeting, a parting is soon to follow. Besides, it's not like…"

Yuna didn't get to finish her sentence as Malon suddenly ran up and hugged her. The sudden embrace took Yuna by surprised but her shocked look soon faded away into a small smile.

"Hey, no need to get so emotional now," Yuna said in an amused tone. "It's not like we're saying good-bye forever. I'll be staying right here so you can visit me anytime you want."

"I know," Malon replied, her voice muffled by her embrace. "But I'm still going to miss you. Aside from Link and Anju, you're the only other friend that I have. You always try to act cold and indifferent but I know that deep down you care for me and that's all that matters. Yuna, you're the best friend that a girl like me could wish for."

Upon hearing Malon's words, a somber expression suddenly fell on Yuna's face.

"Trust me, you don't want me as a friend," Yuna said in a quiet whisper. "A failure like me doesn't deserve to have the friendship of someone as kindhearted and courageous as you."

"Hmm? Did you say something Yuna?"

"Nothing," Yuna quickly said as she tried to hide her troubled look. "I was just saying how much I'll miss you as well."

After a few more minutes, Malon finally let go of Yuna and tried to quickly wipe her eyes before her friend noticed the tears.

"I guess this is really good-bye then," Malon said as she tried her best to put on a smile. "I'll miss you Yuna."

"You already said that," Yuna said bluntly as she tried to avoid looking at the farm girl. "Now get going. I need to get some sleep after everything I've been through."

"Alright. Make sure you take care of yourself now, okay?"

"Yes, mom," Yuna replied sarcastically as she continued to look away from Malon.

With a final sad look, Malon turned around and began heading towards the door. However, she had barely set foot outside the house when Yuna suddenly called out after her.

"Hey, Malon! Thanks… for everything. It's been a while since anyone's treated me like an actual person instead of some stupid animal."

Malon turned around to find Yuna looking at her with a genuine look of sincerity and gratitude.

"No problem," Malon replied with a smile. "I… wait a second. Did you just call me by my name instead of 'farmer girl'?"

"Don't get used to it," Yuna quickly said with a slightly embarrassed look. "No matter what you do, you're always going to be the same ignorant farmer girl to me."

Malon gave a small laugh at this before giving her friend a mock salute.

"Good thing I have you to guide me, Lady Yuna."

"Just get out of here," Yuna said with a tired sigh. "You're starting to give me another headache."

"Alright. I'll be leaving for real this time. If you have anything else to tell me, say it now."

"I've already said my part. Now get going before it gets dark. The last thing I want is to spend an extra night with you in this place."

Malon gave a smile at this before she turned around and began climbing down the ladder. Yuna continued to watch from the door as the farm girl made it to the bottom of the tree-house and began making her way towards the entrance to Hyrule Field. As Malon's retreating form disappeared from view, Yuna suddenly got the strange feeling that the two of them wouldn't be seeing each other again for a very long time.

"Be careful Malon," Yuna whispered out into the suddenly silent woods. "Don't let your story end up like mine."

**xxx  
><strong>_Organization VII HQ, Cloud's room…_

"Cloud! Cloud! Cloud! Cloud! Cloud! Hey, Cloud! I'm baaaaaaaack!"

"What the…? Yuffie!" the self-styled leader of the Final Fantasy universe shouted out in a mixture of surprise and irritation. "How many times do I have to tell you to knock instead of just barging into my room?"

Standing behind Cloud was a teenage girl with short black hair and a black headband around her head. The girl was wearing a navy blue tank-top with a dark-gray vest over it along with a pair of khaki shorts and knee-high boots. In her hands she carried a large shuriken that was almost as big as her. As mentioned earlier by Cloud, the girl was none other than Yuffie Kisaragi, one of the Grand Seven and the organization's top infiltrator and thief. At the moment, however, she seemed more like an annoying younger sister than anything else as she glared at Cloud for shouting at her.

"You're the one who told me to repot to you as soon as I got your precious little information," Yuffie pouted with her arms crossed. "You're such a whiny bastard at times. No wonder Vincent's always complaining about… what's wrong with your hair?"

Apparently, Cloud had been in the middle of grooming his hair before Yuffie had unceremoniously burst in and interrupted him. As a result, half of his usually spiky hair was lying flat on his head like some kind of dead raccoon while the other half was still in the process of achieving its maximum spikiness. As if to add to this comical scene, a gigantic jar filled to the brim with hair gel lay next to Cloud. Yuffie immediately noticed all of this and smiled mischievously.

"Don't… you… dare," Cloud said in a dangerous tone as he realized what Yuffie was planning to do.

"Too late!"

Before Cloud could stop her, Yuffie whipped out her phone and snapped a picture of him. Cloud immediately prepared to blast her to pieces with an energy blast but stopped when Yuffie started waving the phone tauntingly in front of him.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Yuffie said with a mocking smile. "All I have to do is press this button here and everyone in this entire organization will know the truth about your Chocobo hairstyle."

Using every ounce of willpower he could muster, Cloud stopped himself from summoning his sword and overkilling Yuffie with it.

"What do you want?" Cloud asked through gritted teeth as he slowly lowered his hands.

"Same as usual. However, I want a chocolate cake instead of a blueberry muffin this time. Also, I want this entire week off. I don't know about you but this month's been plain exhausting."

"We're on the brink of war!" Cloud shouted out incredulously. "You can't seriously expect me to give you a week's worth of vacation at a time like this!"

"Oh, well," Yuffie replied with the same mocking smile. "I guess everyone's going to be seeing this picture then. I wonder what Aerith will say when she realizes that her boyfriend uses more hair products than her."

"Argh! Fine! You can take your stupid vacation!"

"Now that's more like it! I knew you were smart enough to pick the right choice!"

Cloud closed his eyes and tried going through his recent anger management sessions in his head. Of course, this really didn't help him that much, mostly due to the fact that he had killed his therapist after their first few hours together.

"Hello? Cloud? You still in there?" Yuffie asked as she started waving her hand in front of Cloud's face.

"Just give me your report and get out of here," Cloud eventually said in a barely controlled voice as he opened his eyes.

"The report? Oh, right! I knew I was forgetting something!"

Noticing that one of Cloud's eyes was starting to twitch, Yuffie finally decided that it would be a smart idea to quickly say her report and book it out of there.

"Okay. First off, Marluxia's dead," Yuffie casually stated. "He was apparently eaten alive by a bunch of chickens. Yeah, don't ask. Second, that girl you wanted me to tail doesn't seem to have the MM at all. I got a reading of the energy signature around her and they all turned up negative."

"Then what about the data from before? She apparently used a power almost identical to the MM's during that fight in the desert!"

"I think I might have an explanation for that," Yuffie interrupted. "This Malon girl apparently has an author helping her out. It's more than likely that our energy detectors mistook the author's powers as the MM's."

Upon hearing this, Cloud gave an irritated sigh before heading over to the large office desk in his room. Once he was comfortably seated in his premium leather chair, he rested his head in his hands and remained silent for a few minutes as he began contemplating on the current situation.

"This complicates matters," Cloud eventually muttered to himself. "Without the MM, my fangirls won't have the necessary power to completely annihilate those Nintendo fans."

"Does it really matter?" Yuffie asked as she pulled out a cloth from her pack and began cleaning her shuriken with it. "With all of your fangirls attacking them, I doubt those Nintendo fans will be able to interfere with the main invasion force anyways."

For once, Cloud actually seemed to agree with Yuffie. After finalizing the details of his grand plan (and fixing up his hair using the emergency bottle of hair gel he always carried around with him), Cloud reached over and pressed a button on his desk. Almost immediately, six holographic screens appeared and arranged themselves in a semi-circle in front of Cloud so that he was in full view of all of them. One by one, the screens slowly activated until a total of six distinct figures were staring back at Cloud.

"Well isn't this a surprise?" the person wearing a blood-red cloak commented as he continued to polish the large gun in his hand. "It's been a while since all of us were called up like this. Aside from our little trip to DK Island that is."

"Wait a second," the girl with dark-brown hair interrupted. "Where's Yuffie?"

"Hi guys!" Yuffie piped up as she leaned in front of Cloud so that the others could see her. "It's so nice to see all of you again! Well, except for you, Sephiroth. You're still an ugly creep."

The man with long, silver hair gave a low growl when he heard this but showed no other response aside from that.

"Get out of the way Yuffie!" Cloud grunted as he tried to shove Yuffie to the side. "I didn't call everyone so that you could say hi to them!"

"You're no fun," Yuffie said as she moved out of the way. However, she returned moments later and stuck her head back in front of the screen. "Hey, Tifa! Are we still going to the mall on Thursday? Because I found this adorable little vest at…"

"GET OUT!" Cloud shouted as he shot an energy blast at Yuffie. This finally did the trick as she was forced to jump out of the way to avoid the attack. Unfortunately, the energy blast continued to travel forward after Yuffie had dodged it, resulting in Cloud's collection of Chocobo dolls being turned into a pile of ashes.

"No! My Chocobos!" Cloud cried out as he rushed over to the remains of his precious dolls.

"It seems in your anger, you killed them," Yuffie said from the side in a very badly done impression of Darth Sidious.

"Noooooooooo!"

"Ahem," Sephiroth interrupted, his patience obviously running thin. "If you're little comedy act is done with, I'd like to know why you bothered to call us here in the first place."

After a few awkward minutes involving Cloud carefully sweeping up the ashes of his dolls into a small jar (which he intended to bury later), the leader of the organization sat back down in front of the screen and faced his associates with a serious face.

"There's been a slight change in our invasion plans," Cloud announced as he arched his fingers on his desk. "It turns out that the energy readings for the MM was a false alarm. As a result, we'll have to start the attack without it."

"About time," the burly-looking man with a Gatling gun in place of his right hand declared. "All this sitting around and plotting doesn't suit me at all."

"You'll get your chance to see some action soon enough," Cloud said with a wave of his hand. "Anyways, I'll send in my fangirls first to distract the Nintendo fans. Even without the MM, those Nintendo idiots should still have their hands full with a billion fangirls swarming over them. Of course, without my fangirls in complete control of their capitals, we'll have to expect more resistance from the Nintendo army than we originally anticipated. However, this shouldn't prove to be much of a problem, especially since we have the Call of Duty sector backing us up."

"I still don't trust those damn CoD soldiers," the man wearing goggles and a pilot's scarf commented as he lit up his cigarette. "They may look like grown-up men but those bastards act like a bunch of ten-year olds. I don't know about the rest of you idiots but I'm not exactly enthusiastic about giving a bunch of kids their own personal AK-47s."

"There's nothing to worry about. Those CoD soldiers might not be the brightest beings in the universe but they hate Nintendo almost as much as us," Cloud explained. "Besides, if they do try to turn against us, it's a simple matter for me to wipe them all out."

The man with the cigarette merely crossed his arms and gave an annoyed grunt in response.

"Very good. Now then, we'll begin the attack tomorrow at 0600 hours. I'll expect all of your forces to be prepared by that time as well as…"

Cloud stopped short when he noticed Yuffie suddenly waving her phone in front of him. Suddenly remembering the deal they had made, Cloud cleared his throat and turned to look at the rest of the Seven with an almost embarrassed look.

"On second thought, we'll begin the attack one week from now. I… umm… have some businesses I have to attend to before we start the invasion… and… umm… end transmission!"

**xxx  
><strong>_Lon Lon Ranch…_

After spending a few uneventful days traversing across Hyrule Field, Malon finally managed to reach her home. However, she soon realized that she had a surprise guest waiting for her as soon as she entered the front gates.

"Come on Navi! Can't we stay just a little longer? I need to give Malon something before we set out for the final temple!"

"No! We already wasted enough time here! Besides, you'll have plenty of time to see that farmer girl after you finish your quest!"

Turning the corner, Malon found (without much surprise) Link and Navi standing around the stables as they continued to argue. Deciding that it would be a good idea to end their argument before Navi brought out a mace and smashed Link with it, Malon walked forward to make her presence known.

"Malon!" Link called out happily as soon as he saw the farm girl. He immediately tried to run up to her only to trip and fall facedown onto the ground.

With a sigh, Malon walked up to help Link while Navi just shook her head from the side.

"So… I heard you were looking for me?" Malon asked as she pulled Link back to his feet.

"Yep! I wanted to see you as soon as I came here but Talon said you were out on some kind of delivery."

"He got that right," Malon said with an exhausted smile. "In fact, I was actually out delivering the present that I owed you to your house."

"Whoa! You actually went all the way to Kokiri Forest?" Link asked in surprise. "I didn't know that regular people could even get in there!"

"Well, I had some help along the way."

"So, what kind of present did you deliver all the way to my house? Was it a motorcycle? Because it would be so cool if I could start playing childish card games on a motorcycle!"

"…"

"Oh, right! Speaking of presents, I got something for you as well!"

As he said this, Link pulled out his item pouch and began digging through it. After a few minutes, he eventually found what he was looking for and pulled it out.

"Okay, close your eyes and hold out your hand," Link told Malon as he quickly hid the mystery object behind his back. "And don't peek! I want this to be a surprise."

Knowing Link's tendency to collect some very strange (and mostly dangerous) items, Malon was rather reluctant to follow his orders. However, she eventually relented after looking at his expectant face. Hoping that his "present" wasn't going to blow up as soon as he gave it to her, Malon held out her hands and closed her eyes.

"Okay, you can open your eyes now!" Link said as he dropped what felt like a small stone into her hands.

Malon slowly opened her eyes and cautiously looked down at the gift that Link had given her. Much to her surprise, however, she found a beautiful, crystal pendant-necklace looking back at her instead of some killer creature. The crystal itself was diamond shaped and light blue in color, all of which seemed to glow with a strange light when she stared at it. The chain that went through it was pure gold and looked like it was made by a master craftsman. All in all, Malon had never seen such a beautiful piece of jewelry in her whole life.

"What do you think?" Link asked proudly as Malon continued to stare at the necklace with an open mouth. "I found the crystal in the Water Temple and thought you might like it. Of course, I thought it'd be weird if I just gave you a crystal shard so I took it to Kakariko Village and asked one of the jewelers there to turn it into a necklace."

"It's… it's beautiful Link," Malon said in awe as she looked back at her friend. "But… what's it for?"

"Silly Malon," Link said with a laugh. "It's your birthday present! I wanted to get it to you on time but I was stuck inside the Shadow Temple that day. I know it's late but I hope the quality of the gift makes up for it."

"You actually remembered my birthday?" Malon asked in disbelief. "Even though you were on an adventure this whole time… you actually bothered to remember it?"

"What are you talking about? Of course I'd remember! After all, how could anyone forget their best friend's birthday?"

Malon looked back down at the necklace in her hands before suddenly running up and embracing Link. The hero in question merely stood there with a surprised look on his face until Malon eventually let go of him.

"Thank you, Link," Malon said as she faced Link with a look of utmost gratitude. "This is the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me."

"Oh… umm… no problem," Link finally managed to say as he tried to recover from the sudden embrace.

The two friends continued to stand around like this for a few more seconds as an awkward silence fell over them. Of course, the silence didn't last for long thanks to a certain annoying fairy that had been completely forgotten about.

"Well," Navi said as she flew in front of Link's face. "Now that that's out of the way, I think we should get back to saving the world now."

"Huh? What?" Link asked as he finally got back to his senses.

"I said we should leave now," Navi repeated in an annoyed voice.

"Oh, right. Well, I guess I'll be seeing you Malon. Once I'm done with this journey, I'll be sure to come back here and tell you all about it. Oh, and tell your dad thanks for letting me stay here for the last few days."

"Of… of course," Malon stuttered out as she tried to regain her composure. "I'll tell him as soon as I get the chance."

With a final smile and wave, Link turned around and headed for the front gates. However, he had barely gone five feet before he somehow tripped and landed face-first on the ground again.

"I'm okay," Link's muffled voice called out as Navi face-palmed and Malon sweat-dropped.

"Why does he have to be such an idiot?" Navi asked out loud as Link slowly picked himself up. "I mean, he's a nice kid and all but it's like he has some sort of brain damage that prevents him from doing anything logically."

"Have you asked him if he remembers anything that might have caused it?" Malon asked as she watched Link head out of the ranch. "Maybe he fell on his head when he was kid or something."

"I've asked him about it once but all he says he remembers is something about a piñata. And from what I know of, none of the Kokiri ever used him as a piñata."

"Not even Mido?"

"Not even Mido."

After seeing Link walk out to the field, Navi gave a short sigh before turning around to head out as well.

"Guess I should be going too. The moment I let him out of my sight, he's bound to do something incredibly stupid again."

"Umm… wait," Malon called out hesitantly before Navi could leave. "I know this is rather sudden but could I ask you to do me a small favor?"

"What is it?"

"Can you tell Link to come visit me once all of this is over? I'd like to hold a celebration for him once his journey's over and I'd really appreciate it if he could attend. Also, let him know that he's… umm… welcome to stay at my place afterwards. I'm pretty sure he won't be able to go back to Kokiri Forest seeing as how none of the Kokiri even recognizes him so…"

Navi remained silent for a few seconds before answering in a serious tone.

"I'll tell him about your invitation but I'd advise you not to become too attached to him."

"Why not?" Malon asked with a confused expression.

"Because the story of a hero rarely ends in happiness. More often than not, they'll be dragged from one adventure to the next for the rest of their lives. Very few manage to settle down and enjoy the peaceful life they deserve."

"But this is Link we're talking about here," Malon argued. "He's not really your typical hero you know."

"Nevertheless, I get the feeling that this journey won't end the way we expect it to. Call it a fairy's intuition, but I believe that all of this is just a precursor to an even bigger adventure for Link."

Before Navi could say anything more, a huge explosion was suddenly heard off in the distance followed soon after by the sound of Link screaming something about a bunch of rabid Deku Shrubs.

"That would be my cue to leave," Navi said in a tired voice as she turned around to do just that. "Knowing Link that was probably the sound of the Deku embassy being blown up just now. Anyways, I'll be sure to tell Link about your invitation so try not to look so down. Even if things don't end up the way we want them to, I'm sure you'll always hold a special place in Link's heart."

With that, Navi flew out of the ranch, leaving a heavily blushing farm girl behind in her wake.

**xxx  
><strong>_Malon's room, few days later…_

Malon gave an exhausted sigh as she flopped down onto her bed in a heap. After spending the entire day repainting the numerous fences around the ranch and then cleaning the entire barn by herself, Malon was ready to call it a day.

As it turned out, Talon wasn't too happy about his daughter's month-long absence and had charged her with finishing up an entire list of chores that had piled up while she was gone. As such, Malon had spent the last six days doing some of the most tedious jobs around the ranch. Even to a super-powered demi-goddess, the dreary farm work was anything but easy. In fact, there were times when Malon would've preferred going toe-to-toe with the assassin again instead of trying to clean out the Cucco's pen or chasing out the mole-men that had tried to take up residence in the barn. All in all, the week was a long one for Malon.

Just as Malon was contemplating on whether to get up from her bed and get something to eat, a flash of blinding light suddenly illuminated the room. As soon as the light vanished, Malon noticed with a fair amount of shock that a familiar-looking woman with flames cloaking her entire body had appeared near the corner of her room.

"Mom?" Malon asked hesitantly, hardly daring to believe that her mother had finally decided to show up after all these years.

Upon closer observation, however, Malon soon realized that the woman standing in her room was wearing an office-style blouse and skirt. As it turned out, the mysterious visitor turned out to be none other Farore, who, for some strange reason, was covered from head-to-toe in fire.

"Ugh. I hate it when people mistake me for my idiot sister," Farore grumbled, seeming to not notice the flames surrounding her. "Honestly, aside from our physical resemblance, there's about a hundred IQ points separating the two of us."

"Oh, hi Aunt Farore," Malon said, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice. "It's been a while since I've seen you around here. By the way, what's with the new fire motif?"

"I got into a fight with Nayru," Farore said in a dismissive way. "Anyways, I'll get straight to the point. What do you want for your birthday present?"

"Umm… you do realize that it's been over a week since my birthday, right?" Malon asked with a confused look.

"Don't you think I know that?" Farore answered in an annoyed tone. "If Nayru hadn't bugged me to give you something I wouldn't have even bothered to come down here in the first place. Now hurry up and tell me what you want. I haven't got all day you know."

"Oh… umm… Can I have a few seconds to make up my mind?" Malon asked as she tried to quickly think of something before Farore decided to leave.

"You have exactly thirty seconds."

Knowing that her aunt was probably counting down the exact seconds, Malon desperately tried to think of something meaningful she could ask for. However, the suddenness of the offer had caught her off-guard and she found it extremely hard to come up anything even remotely practical. Just as the last of her thirty seconds were about to run out, Malon noticed the crystal necklace that she was wearing. Remembering her meeting with Link and the conversation with Navi, Malon immediately knew exactly what to ask for.

"I want you to cure Link's brain damage," Malon told her aunt with a serious look. "Navi told me he sustained some kind of head injury as a kid so I want you to fix that for him. He always gets into trouble because of his poor judgment skills and I'm worried that he'll get himself seriously hurt one day because of that. If what I'm asking for keeps him safe during his adventure…well, that would be the best gift that I could ever asked for."

If Farore was surprised by her niece's request, she didn't show it. Instead, she just remained silent as she stared at Malon with a look of mild curiosity. After a few awkward minutes, Farore finally broke the silence by giving an amused snort.

"You're an interesting girl, Malon," Farore said with a hint of a smile on her face. "I thought for sure that you were just as egocentric and arrogant as your mother but it seems that I was wrong. I guess you really can't judge a person from their heritage."

"So… you'll do it?"

"I'll probably have to fill out a ton of paperwork for this but I will. Technically, I shouldn't be helping out Link any more than I currently have but I think an exception can be made just this once."

As she said this, Farore raised her left hand and snapped her fingers before turning her attention back to her niece.

"It's done," Farore stated simply in answer to Malon's confused look. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go check up on my troops."

"Wait, what? Troops? Are you telling me that you actually have some kind of army?"

"Of course. Aside from the Grand Nintendo Army that the Council is in charge of, every major Nintendo world has its own separate division under their control. Currently, my sister's and I are in charge of the army for this sector. However, it seems that a majority of our forces were recently redeployed to some base at the edge of Nintendo space by Din. I don't know what's going on but I get the feeling that Din's planning on doing something extremely stupid again."

Before Malon could inquire any further, a small beeping noise suddenly came from the watch that Farore was wearing.

"Oh, great," Farore mumbled as she glanced at the time. "I'm late for the Professor Layton convention."

"Didn't you say that you needed to check up on your army?" Malon asked as her aunt began charging up her energy for a warp jump.

"Yeah, but there are some things more important than keeping track of your armed forces," Farore quickly said as she summoned a brown top hat and put it on. "Besides, Professor Layton's going to be making a guest appearance today. I wouldn't miss this convention even if there was a war going on. Okay, I think I have everything I need. Top hat. Check. Ticket. Check. The actual Diabolical Box that I stole from the last convention. Check. Alright, I'm off. Take care Malon."

With that, Farore disappeared in a flash of green light, leaving Malon to seriously question why her aunts' were so weird.

**xxx  
><strong>_Kokiri Forest…_

"_What's with the sad look? I haven't seen you this depressed since our original journey together."_

"…"

"_Again with the silent treatment? You know, people might start thinking you've gone mute if you keep acting like this."_

"… _How… how can you be so relaxed? I mean… By this time tomorrow… we'll probably all be…"_

"_So that's what's bothering you. I guess I should've seen this one coming."_

"_So you're not afraid? You're not even the slightest bit worried about the future?"_

"_Are you kidding? Of course I'm afraid! If all our people weren't depending on me right now, I'd probably run away without even looking back."_

"_Then how can you be so calm?"_

"… _Because I knew in my heart that one day this dream would end… our dream of a free world… where all of us could live in peace… I knew it wasn't possible… not so long as that tyrant ruled above us all... That's why… that's why I have to face him... Even if it means my death… even if it means losing you… I have to make sure that at least a small piece of our dream will survive… and give the future hope."_

"…"

"_Heh. Now I'm sounding like some cheesy playwright or something. Oh, well. I always did want to write a book about our adventures anyways."_

"_I…"_

"_Hmm? What is it?"_

"_Just… promise me that we'll be together… No matter what happens tomorrow… Promise me that we'll always be together… even to the end…"_

"…_I promise… Yuna…"_

Yuna woke up from her dreams with a start. For a few seconds, she was confused as to where she even was. However, it didn't take long before she regained her senses and realized that she was inside of Link's tree-house.

After spending a few moments trying to calm herself with a few deep breaths, Yuna closed her eyes and tried to push the thought of her dream away. When that failed, she walked over to the doorway and stuck her head outdoors. As she had hoped, the crisp morning air helped clear her head as she stared out at the silent village below. It was still about an hour before dawn so all of the Kokiri were still fast asleep, giving the usually lively woods a very empty feeling. And empty was just how Yuna felt at the moment.

Ever since Malon had left, Yuna had fallen into a state of depression. However, she knew that there was no real reason to be depressed. The Kokiri had been taking great care of her just like the Great Deku Sprout had promised. In fact, all of them had treated her with respect and kindness whenever they visited to bring her food or clean the house. Life in Kokiri Forest was exactly what Yuna had been searching for this whole time: an isolated paradise free of any and all worries. And yet… it just didn't feel right, as if she had left something important undone.

Of course, Yuna had a pretty good idea about what the problem was. It was those damn dreams that had been haunting her over the past few days. No matter how hard she tried to suppress it, they always seemed to make their way through and torment her with flashes of her old memory. For the dreams were really nothing more than memories. Memories from a long-forgotten past that meant nothing to her now. Or at least that's what she kept telling herself to believe. The truth was, Yuna knew that she was still rooted to her past and had never been able to make peace with it.

Yuna's thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of a branch being stepped on. She immediately looked around to find the source of the noise and was surprised to see the Kokiri known as Mido heading out towards the Lost Woods. From what Yuna had heard from the other Kokiri, Mido had been spending most of his time in there ever since a friend of his had gone to the Forest Temple and didn't return. Even after the Great Deku Sprout had told him that his friend was now a sage and wouldn't be coming back, he still kept guard over the place in memory of her. Seeing the determined look on Mido's face as he walked across the village, Yuna couldn't help but feel both respect and pity for the kid. Respect for the loyalty and bravery he showed in upholding the memory of his friend. Pity for the sheer hopelessness of his actions. Yuna knew that no matter how long he stood guard over the woods, the fact would remain that his friend wouldn't be coming back. The only thing he would find by dwelling on the past was misery and despair. That was the bitter truth which Yuna knew for a fact.

As Mido's form disappeared as he walked into the Lost Woods, Yuna noticed a sudden flash of red light behind her. Not knowing what to expect, she quickly turned around to see what was going on. What she found gave her quite a bit of shock.

"Malon?" Yuna asked in surprise as she stared at the woman in front of her. However, she soon realized that the person was actually a lot older, not to mention taller, than her friend. Also, the woman was wearing a red dress rather than the blouse and skirt that Malon favored. Aside from these differences though, the woman bore a remarkable similarity to Malon. She had the exact same youthful appearance, headstrong demeanor, and hairstyle as the farm girl. In fact, she even wore a yellow scarf around her neck just like Malon did. Noticing all these similarities, it didn't take long for Yuna to figure out who her mysterious visitor was.

"Let me guess. You're Din, right?" Yuna asked, her voice changing back to its usual callous tone.

Instead of answering, Din (for it really was the Goddess of Power) simply summoned a small communicator that looked like a compass and spoke into it.

"Found her. She's inside Link's old tree-house."

"Got it," the person on the other end replied. "I'll be there in a few minutes. Damn magical barriers are interfering with my warping abilities."

Din gave a sigh at this before disappearing again in a flash of red. A few seconds later, she returned with a rather disheveled looking Happy Mask Salesman standing next to her.

"Would it kill you to give a guy some warning before you drag him halfway across the world?" the mask salesman grumbled as he straightened out his shirt and backpack. "You know that warp jumps are extremely unsettling if you're not prepared for them!"

"Shut up," Din said in a serious tone that immediately silenced the Happy Mask Salesman. "We have business to attend to"

"Hold on a second here," Yuna suddenly interrupted. "What the hell are you two talking about? In fact, how the hell is the creepy mask guy even here? The last time I saw him, he was engaged in a death match with some mystery spellcaster in the middle of the forest."

"We can put all that aside for later," Din cut in before the Happy Mask Salesman could say anything. "The important thing now is to take care of the matter at hand."

"And what exactly is the matter at hand? For some reason, I doubt a goddess would come all the way down here just to meet with a plain old cow like me."

"Indeed," Din answered as she stared at Yuna with a piercing look. "However, I'd say it's well worth the effort to come all the way down here if the cow in question was actually an enemy summoner. And especially if that summoner's name happened to be Yuna Braska."

Yuna became silent when she heard this. However, she immediately burst into a fit of humorless laughter seconds later, much to the confusion of Din and the HMS.

"Might I ask what's so funny?" Din asked as Yuna's laughter subsided.

"Really now. I thought I already told everyone that I'm not_ that _Yuna. From what I know of, the Yuna you're searching for died during the final days of the Era of Strife. As for me, I'm just a regular cow who wants nothing more than to be left alone by a pair of imbeciles who thinks I'm some sort of big-shot summoner from another world."

"There's no use hiding it," the Happy Mask Salesman replied in a severe tone. "We know for a fact that you're really Yuna Braska. You're a member of Organization VII as well as the leader of the Final Fantasy X division."

"Right. And my guardian was a giant, blue panther who could walk on two legs," Yuna said sarcastically. "If the two of you are done spouting nonsense, I suggest you leave. I still have some sleep that I need to catch up on."

The Happy Mask Salesman was about to retort angrily to this when Din stopped him with her hand. After giving her associate a sharp look to keep quiet, the goddess turned to look at Yuna straight in the eye.

"If you really aren't the Yuna we're looking for, then I guess it wouldn't matter to you when I tell you that Organization VII has been resurrected," Din stated in a surprisingly casual manner. "Oh, and did I forget to mention that the one leading them is none other than Cloud Strife himself? It turns out that he's not so dead as everyone thought him to be."

Dead silence fell over the entire tree-house as Din and the HMS stared intently at Yuna for any sort of reaction. Much to their disappointment however, Yuna merely continued to glare back at them with absolutely no change to her annoyed expression.

"I grow tired of wasting my time with you idiots," Yuna finally said, breaking the awkward silence that had formed. "Honestly, I've heard five year-olds tell better stories than what you two jokers came up with. Cloud Strife resurrecting Organization VII. Pfft. What a joke. If you had told me that Yuffie or Godzilla had resurrected the organization, I might have actually believed you."

"We're not lying," Din quickly replied, her patience starting to grow thin. "Cloud really is alive and he's planning some sort of major invasion against Nintendo."

"You people are hopeless," Yuna said with a large sigh. "I don't know where you got your information from but it's obviously wrong. Besides, if everything you said really was true, then why would I even be here? Don't you think Cloud would've pulled me away from the front lines if I really was a high-ranking organization member?"

"That's where you're wrong," the Happy Mask Salesman said with a sneer. "We know that you led an uprising to overthrow Cloud and take control of the Organization for yourself. More than likely, the coup failed and you were banished to this world. Knowing your kind, you've probably been gathering information for your glorious leader in the hopes that he would pardon you and give you back your former rank. Hmph. Typical organization scum. All that matters to you is power and glory. You probably didn't even give a damn about your people when you led them to their deaths with your little uprising. Their lives didn't matter as long as you got what you wanted. You would sell out everyone you ever knew just to…"

"Shut up," Yuna suddenly said in a dangerously low voice. "Shut your damn mouth right now."

"Ha! I knew it!" the HMS shouted out in triumph. "So you finally admit to being an organization member! You Final Fantasy fools are all the same! You take a jab at their obsession with power and they all rise up in denial! It's no wonder all of you praise Cloud so much! You're all as arrogant and power-hungry as…"

The Happy Mask Salesman didn't get to finish as Yuna tackled him to the ground. The sudden attack caught the HMS completely off-guard and as a result, he ended up staring up at an enraged cow as she raised her front hoof to flatten his face. Luckily for him, Din managed to create a protective barrier around him just as the hoof came crashing down. The barrier managed to shield the HMS from Yuna's attack but that didn't stop her from continually beating down against it in her crazed frenzy.

"I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!" Yuna screamed, tears streaming down her face. "How… How could you say those things? How could you compare me to Cloud after everything I've lost fighting for your freedoms? Do you even know the pain and suffering I've had to go through? Everyone I ever knew and loved… they all died that day! We all put our lives on the line so that you Nintendo bastards would even have a chance of defeating Cloud! And after all that, you have the gall to insult their sacrifices? I'll never forgive you! I'll kill you even if I have to take you down with me! I'll…"

"Enough!"

As she said this, Din sent out an energy wave that knocked Yuna off her feet and sent her sprawling to the other end of the tree-house. Silence once again enveloped the room, broken only by the sounds of Yuna's sobs as she lay in a pitiful heap across the room. After taking some deep breaths to calm herself, Din walked over to the Happy Mask Salesman and offered him a hand. He ignored the gesture and picked himself up, all the while glaring at Yuna with a look of utter contempt.

"I thought I told you to keep your personal grudges out of this," Din told the HMS with a criticizing look.

"She's the one who started it," the mask salesman replied lamely, his eyes never leaving Yuna. "If she had just told us the truth from the beginning, I wouldn't have…"

Din cut him off with a stern look that made him lower his head in shame.

"I'm sorry," he stated in a quiet voice. "I don't know what came over me. I just… I remembered the war… and… well…"

"I know," Din replied with an understanding nod. "However, I don't think I'm the one you should be apologizing to."

With a large sigh, the HMS walked over to the now-motionless Yuna with Din following closely behind.

"Sorry," the Happy Mask Salesman stated curtly before turning around with his arms crossed.

Din just shook her head at this before turning to face Yuna with an uncertain look. On one hand, Din was sure pretty sure that the ex-summoner wasn't lying about the grief she felt about her people. Yuna's sudden outburst of emotion was good enough proof of this. On the other hand, Din still had a hard time believing Yuna's motives for staging an uprising against Cloud. As far as the goddess was concerned, one would have to be either insanely courageous or entirely blinded by their lust for power to even think about taking on a Class 5 war criminal and his entire army. Din didn't perceive Yuna to be a power-hungry fool but neither could she believe that an entire division would rise up against their leader to help their mortal enemies. Whatever the case was though, Din knew that Yuna would prove to be a powerful ally if she could be persuaded to join them. Even if her knowledge on the organization was outdated, Yuna was still the only one who had ever worked under Cloud before. As of the moment, she was the only one who could provide inside information on Cloud's strategies, his tendencies, and the overall way his mind worked. She was their hidden ace to potentially winning this war and Din wasn't about to pass up that opportunity.

"Look, I don't know what you're story is but the fact remains that we could really use your help," Din stated in a matter-of-fact voice. "If what you said is true, then now is the time to finish what you once started. Help us defeat Cloud so that we can protect the freedom that you and your people bought for us. If Cloud is able to achieve his goals, then all your sacrifices would've been for nothing."

Unfortunately, Din's words didn't seem to have any effect on Yuna. The former summoner merely continued to lie there with her head buried underneath her hooves as she remained as unresponsive as ever. After staring at the motionless cow for a good ten minutes, Din began to lose her patience. However, before she could say anything, Yuna suddenly spoke up in a voice devoid of any emotion or feeling.

"You don't get it, do you? Freedom means nothing to me now. What good is freedom when you're the only one left to enjoy it? I've lost everything and nothing I do is going to change that. Cloud can destroy the entire universe for all I care. None of it matters to me now."

Din stared at Yuna with a look of disbelief and anger after hearing this. Just as she was about to shout at Yuna for being so callous, Din realized that angering the ex-summoner probably wasn't the best way to persuade her to join their cause. With that in mind, Din managed to suppress her anger and decided to reason things out with Yuna.

"You can't seriously mean that," Din said, trying to keep her voice calm. "You said you lost many of your loved ones during the uprising but there surely has to be at least one person remaining that you care about. At the very least, isn't there anyone left that you feel indebted to help? Someone who you believe deserves to be spared from Cloud's madness? Isn't there anyone at all that you'd fight to protect?"

The moment Din asked her this, Yuna's thoughts suddenly settled on Malon. Yuna didn't know how or why but the memories of their journey came flooding back. As she looked back at the time they spent together, Yuna realized with a fair bit of surprise that their journey had been the only time when she had been able to fully escape the shadows of her past. With all the craziness happening around them, she had been too busy to dwell on anything else. And… there was also Malon herself. The farm girl had treated her with kindness even though Yuna had always acted so cold to her. No matter how much Yuna had tried to distance herself from her, Malon would always refer to her as a friend. And as a result, Yuna had ended up thinking of the farm girl as a friend as well. After all her years alone, Yuna realized with a fair amount of surprise that she had finally been able to find someone that she genuinely cared about.

Yuna remained silent as all of this went through her head. Unfortunately, Din interpreted the silence as an act of indifference and began to grow desperate. The goddess knew that if Yuna refused to help them, their chances of defeating Cloud would drastically decrease. As a result, Din decided to put everything on the line in a last ditch effort to gain Yuna's aid.

"Listen. I know facing your past isn't an easy thing to do but there are too many lives at stake for you to run away now. And… I need your help in stopping this war so that my daughter can be safe. I know you spent some time with her so you should know the type of person Malon is. She's a kind-hearted girl who wouldn't want anything to do with this war. Unfortunately, the fact that she's my daughter would make her a target nonetheless. It also doesn't help that she identified herself as a threat to the organization by killing one of their assassins. The only way that I can fully protect her now is to take down the organization as soon as possible. Please… I implore you to help me defeat Cloud for my daughter's sake. No… I beg you for your help."

As she said this, Din did something that greatly shocked Yuna. As the former summoner watched, the most prideful goddess in the entire Nintendo universe knelt before her.

Silence fell over the room as Yuna tried to comprehend everything that was going on. She had expected Din to try something crazy to get her to help but this act of humility definitely caught her off-guard. As Yuna continued to stare at the astonishing sight in front of her, the words of the mysterious shopkeeper that she met in Termina suddenly came floating back to her.

_There will come a time when Malon's life will be in your hands. When this day comes forward, I want you to ask yourself whether or not you truly consider Malon to be your friend. The answer you choose will not only affect Malon but also the fate of the entire video game universe as well._

Now that moment of truth had arrived, Yuna finally realized just what the shopkeeper had been talking about. If she decided to help Din, then the outcome of the upcoming war could drastically change and Malon would be safe. However, that meant Yuna would have to face her past, something that she had tried to avoid ever since her banishment. All her pains, all her sorrow, she would have to face them all if she decided to help Malon. And yet… Yuna already knew what her choice would be even before she thought about it. No matter what the cost, she wouldn't let another one of her friends suffer at hands of Cloud. And with this realization, she knew exactly what she needed to do… just like the shopkeeper had predicted.

"Very well," Yuna said in a quiet but determined voice as she got up and faced Din. "If you promise that Malon will be kept safe… then I shall offer you my assistance."

"What?" Din asked in surprise as she raised her head. "Are you serious? Are you really going to help us?"

"As I've said before, only if Malon is kept safe," Yuna replied with a serious look. "Make sure she doesn't get involved in any of this and I'll give you all the information and tactics you need. And get up for Yevon's sake. Having a goddess kneeling in front of me is starting to make me feel uncomfortable."

Upon hearing this, Din realized that she was still kneeling in front of Yuna and quickly got up with a slightly embarrassed look on her face. The expression didn't last long, however, as the goddess faced Yuna with a questioning look.

"Would you mind telling me why you care so much about my daughter? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you've decided to help us out and everything but what exactly is your story with Malon?"

"It'd take too long to explain everything right now but just know that Malon's helped me out more than you can possibly imagine."

Din gave a curt nod at this and didn't inquire any further. As far as she was concerned, Yuna was deciding to help them under the condition that Malon was to be protected, something that Din was prepared to do anyways. Just as the goddess was about to contemplate her good fortunes, Yuna suddenly spoke up once more.

"Just one thing though. I still have a few questions regarding that assassin that attacked me and Malon in the desert. From everything you've told me so far, it seems very likely that he was an organization member. If that's the case, would you care to explain to me why Organization VII decided to attack Malon even before they began their war? After all, I doubt Malon's exactly at the top of their hit list."

"Oh, that," Din said, quietly relieved that Yuna hadn't decided to make any more demands. "Well, my first assumption after learning all of this was that the assassin was sent here after you. After doing a little more investigation work though, it turned out the assassin was hired by Ganondorf and Morpha. The two of them were apparently trying to stop Link by using Malon as a hostage."

"Wait a second. I thought Organization VII was keeping a low-profile up to this point. If that's the case why would they allow one of their members to engage in some low-level mercenary work in one of Nintendo's core worlds?"

"From what my… associate… has told me, it seems there were some authority issues within the organization during the past month. Apparently, one of their members sent an assassin into the Nintendo worlds preemptively to take down a handful of our high-ranking officials. As it so happened, the assassin chosen for the job was apparently an old acquaintance of Morpha and Ganondorf. In a rather unlikely twist of events, Morpha contacted the assassin just as he reached Hyrule and hired him to kidnap Malon. After that… well, you know the rest."

Yuna remained silent as she went through all of this information in her head. Remembering the assassin's final words to her in the desert, Yuna began to have a faint idea on who the guy was. During her final years as an organization member, Yuna had personally taught a young boy who had shown great potential to be one of the organization's top soldiers. After all these years, Yuna had all but forgotten about him but vaguely remembered him to be a kindhearted boy who had wanted nothing more than to protect the world he had come from. As she remembered all of this, Yuna's hatred for the organization increased ten-fold. Just like he had done with the rest of his minions, Cloud had twisted the innocent kid with his propaganda and lies and turned him into a heartless monster.

Luckily, Yuna managed to calm herself before she let her emotions show. Knowing that telling Din all of this would only lead to unnecessary questions, she decided to keep all of this to herself. Instead, Yuna decided to ask a different question that had been bothering her.

"What are you going to do about Ganondorf? For all we know, he might be sending out more of his goons to capture Malon."

"I already got that covered," Din replied with a slight smile. "I wiped his entire memory of anything that had to do with Malon. As of now, he doesn't even know that LonLon Ranch exists. That's the benefit of being a goddess: You can do cool stuff like this with just a snap of your finger."

"And what about Malon? How are you planning to keep her safe from all of this?"

Din's face became serious again as she answered the question.

"I've thought about it and decided to keep her within a separate timeline. As you probably already know, this world has a number of alternate timelines running through it. My plan is to leave Malon in the adult timeline once Link travels back to the child timeline. Seeing as how nothing will really happen in the adult timeline for the next thousand years, Malon should be perfectly safe."

"But what are you going to do if Cloud decides to destroy Hyrule?" Yuna interrupted. "If he succeeds in his conquest of the video game universe, he's sure to destroy all of the Nintendo core worlds. Once that happens, he'll make sure to wipe out every last timeline that Hyrule has."

"That's why I'll separate the adult timeline from this dimension entirely. Farore's experimented with this kind of thing before so it should be perfectly safe. Of course, the people of the separated dimension tended to turn into weird cartoon freaks after a few hundred years but that'll be generations after Malon so no worries there. However… this also means that we'll probably never be able to see Malon again either. Time will start to run independently from one another once I separate this timeline from the rest of the universe. That means… Malon will probably have already lived through her entire life in about three months of our time."

Silence once again fell over the room as Yuna tried to take all of this in. If she allowed Din to go through with this plan, then the chances were that she would never be able to see her friend again. On the other hand, Malon would be able to live her entire life away from the destruction and chaos that was sure to come. After deliberating on this for a few minutes, Yuna broke the silence by giving a small sigh.

"I'm assuming you're okay with my plan then?" Din asked uncertainly in response to this.

"I think you should be the judge of that," Yuna said as she gave Din a criticizing look. "I may be Malon's friend but you're her mother. If you go through with this plan of yours, you'll never be able to see your daughter again. More importantly, she won't be able to see you again for the rest of her life. I don't think you've ever noticed but Malon's been waiting for your return since the day you left."

Din became silent again when she heard this. However, instead of looking surprised at the news, Din seemed to understand exactly what Yuna was talking about.

"I know," Din eventually said in a forlorn voice as a pained look crossed her face. "I've been keeping a close eye on her since the day I left."

"Then why didn't you go see her?" Yuna questioned with the same criticizing look. "I know you're a busy goddess and all but there surely must have been time to at least say hi to your family once in a while."

"That's not the problem," Din said after a brief silence. "The reason I tried to distance myself from her was so that she could have a normal life. I didn't want her to live a life where she was constantly pressured by the fact that her mother was a goddess. It was only a matter of time before the higher-ups of the Nintendo Council learned the truth about Malon. Once that happened, they would've recruited her and dragged her into all of their petty troubles. If that came to pass, she would've been forced to live her entire life being viewed as nothing more than a replacement for me. As such, I decided the best way to prevent this future was to remove myself from Malon's life entirely."

Yuna became quiet after hearing all of this. On one hand, Yuna understood exactly what Din was talking about. During her days as a summoner, Yuna had been constantly under her father's shadow as well. As a result, she knew exactly how it felt to be viewed as nothing more than a fill-in for someone else. On the other hand though, Yuna still felt that leaving behind one's own daughter wasn't the right choice, even with the given circumstances.

Before Yuna could say anything, however, the goddess's communicator began to ring. As Din summoned the communicator to her hand and looked at the caller ID, her already tired face darkened. With a look of apprehension, Din answered the call.

"Din here. What…"

_Commander! Our forward base in the Earthbound sector is currently under heavy fire by an unknown army! I've ordered my men to stand their ground for the moment but I doubt we'll last long! We need immediate support or… Watch out!_

A massive explosion was suddenly heard in the background before the line went dead.

"Shit," Din swore as she saw that the connection had been lost. "I didn't think they'd attack this soon. Still, I might be able to save our base if I send…"

"Don't bother," the Happy Mask Salesman suddenly said as he appeared next to Din and Yuna with his communicator in hand. "We've got bigger problems at hand right now."

"What the…? Where were you this whole time?" Din asked in surprise.

"I was outside checking all of the major Nintendo communication channels while you were busy talking with our summoner here," the HMS replied, refusing to look at Yuna as he said this. "I heard her agreeing to help us so there's no need to fill me in. Anyways, it's not just the Earthbound sector that's being attacked right now. Here, you should listen this."

The HMS held up his communicator and activated the speakers so everyone could hear what was going on across the various Nintendo worlds.

_Mayday! Mayday! We're trapped by an army of Call of Duty soldiers! They've got us surrounded near the Fountain of Dreams! If you can reach us, please help!_

_Team Bravo, Echo, and Delta have gone dark. I repeat, we've lost all communications with…_

_To anyone hearing this message, we're pinned down near Viridian City! Please assist!_

_This is the Lylat Fleet! We're under heavy fire by an unidentified armada! We're completely cut off from… They're coming around! Watch the flank!_

_We need immediate support! Hostiles all around us! Is anyone out there?_

_This is Meta Knight reporting from the NES Halberd! A fleet of unidentified ships just fired at us without any warning! Does anyone know what's going on?_

_Where's command? I've got Call of Duty soldiers coming out of my…_

_Our ship is on fire! Repeat, we've lost all thruster power!_

_This is Sain reporting from Pherae of the Fire Emblem sector! We've got monsters attacking us from all sides! There's too many of them for us to… Wha… what the hell is that thing? Everyone back! Everyone fall… Ahhhhhhhhhh!_

The communication ended there as the sound of static filled the entire room. An eerie silence fell over our heroes as the three of them stood there with mixed looks of shock and horror at what they had just heard.

Din was the first to recover as she picked up the HMS's communicator and turned it off. She quietly handed it to her associate before facing Yuna with a grave look.

"Now's your final chance to back out from all of this," Din said in a grim voice. "If you're not fully prepared to help us out to the end, then I suggest you quit now."

Yuna hesitated for a moment but quickly recovered as she shook her head and regained the determined look in her eyes.

"I've already made up my mind on this. As long as you keep up your end up the bargain, I'll do whatever I can to help."

"Very well," Din replied with a nod. "Under the given circumstances, I feel that the only way to keep Malon safe from all of this is to go through with my plan. Once Link goes back to the child timeline, I'll separate this timeline from the rest of the Nintendo universe."

"Like I said before, that's your decision to make," Yuna simply said in response.

"Wait," the HMS suddenly cut in. "If you're removing Malon from this dimension, then what's going to happen to the MM?"

"It'll be locked away in the adult timeline with Malon," Din replied. "If my assumption is correct, then the ones who tried to steal the MM from me nineteen years ago was none other than Organization VII. If so, then there's no doubt that Cloud will be after it this time as well. The only thing we can do with the MM at the moment is to prevent Cloud from getting his hands on it."

"What in the world are you two talking about?" Yuna interrupted, annoyed at being left out of the conversation. "What the hell is this MM that you're talking about?"

"Hmph. How could you not know what the MM is?" the HMS said with a scoff. "Every organization member must've heard about it at some point. After all, it's probably the most powerful artifact in existence."

Yuna was just about to retort angrily at the mask salesman when she realized what Din and the HMS were talking about.

"No way," Yuna said, disbelief etched over her face. "You seriously can't be talking about…"

"Indeed we are," Din replied with a nod. "The most powerful relic left behind by the Creators themselves: the Meme's Mask."

At the mere mention of the artifact's name, a feeling of enormous power seemed to pass over the entire group. Yuna couldn't help but shudder at this eerie sensation before turning to stare at Din and the Happy Mask Salesman for any sign that they weren't being serious. However, their dead serious face made it apparent that they were speaking the truth.

"You've got to be kidding me," Yuna eventually said, her skepticism quite obvious. "The Meme's Mask is nothing more than a myth. A simple legend used to entertain kids. How could something like that actually exist?"

"That's what I thought too at first," Din answered in a grave voice. "However, approximately nineteen years ago, my sisters and I received a tip-off that someone had found an artifact radiating some form of otherworldly energy. Needless to say, my sisters sent me to retrieve the artifact while they decided to do nothing. As it turned out, some traveling salesman had found the mask while out for a walk. Of course, he didn't seem to have any idea what he had in his possession and offered to sell it to me for practically nothing. After a series of rather strange events, I managed to hand it over to the HMS here. After some testing, he managed to figure out that the artifact was actually the Meme's Mask itself. Knowing that there would be trouble if people found out about it, we decided to hide it before word got out."

"And you decided to hide the most powerful object in the entire universe by giving it to your daughter?" Yuna asked in disbelief.

"Not really. I needed someplace where I could hide the MM in plain sight yet not lose it. After much thought, I decided to cover the artifact with a magical barrier so that no one could detect its energy signature and then transformed it to look like a small pendant. Afterwards, I gave the pendant to Malon as a birthday gift. Knowing Malon, I knew she'd probably wear it everywhere she went and therefore, never misplace it."

As Din said this, Yuna suddenly remembered the Bowser-shaped pendant that Malon always wore over her scarf.

"You made the Meme's Mask into an accessory shaped like Bowser's face?" Yuna asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Hey, I was happening to be looking at a news story regarding Bowser when I was deciding on what to make the pendant look like," Din answered in a flustered way.

Yuna face-palmed at this comment while Din gave an embarrassed cough and turned away. After a few seconds, Yuna broke the awkward silence by asking another question.

"There's one thing I don't get though. If you actually have the Meme's Mask in your possession, why don't you use it to defeat Cloud? If the legends are true, can't the Meme's Mask give you the same powers as the ones living in the Creator's universe? You'd be able to control the very power source that fuels the authors. The power of the internet would be at your fingertips."

"What a fool," the HMS said with a patronizing sigh. "Look, if we could access the power of the MM, don't you think we would've used it by now? The things under some kind of seal that neither I nor Din can unlock."

"What do you mean?" Yuna asked in a confused tone.

"It means that no one can use the MM until the seal's broken," Din replied. "Problem is we don't know what needs to happen to unlock it. That's why we need to be extra careful about not letting it fall into the wrong hands. If Cloud manages to gain possession of the Meme's Mask and the thing activates… well then, it's game over for us."

An eerie silence fell over the room as Din said this. After a few minutes though, the Happy Mask Salesman cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.

"We're wasting time here. I say we should head off to Romani Ranch like our mysterious contact told us to. I don't exactly trust him but I say he's our best bet in finding out more information at the moment."

"Agreed," Din replied with a nod. "However, I got a little mission for you before we set off. I want you to keep an eye on Malon until Link travels back to the child timeline. Notify me as soon as he does so that I can remove the adult timeline from this dimension."

"I should've seen this one coming," the HMS grumbled as he adjusted his backpack. "Nintendo's at war with its mortal enemy and I'm stuck behind babysitting for you."

"You'll get your chance to fight," Din said with a dismissive wave. "For the time being though, I'd say enjoy the peace and quiet while looking out for Malon. Once you get involved in this war, I doubt you'll be getting much of either of those things."

"Whatever," the HMS said with a sigh. "Just hurry up and warp us over to Romani Ranch. I'll get on with this bodyguard business after we meet with our contact."

Din gave a nod at this and prepared to warp the three of them out of the tree-house. However, she suddenly stopped as she seemed to realize something.

"By the way, why are you still in that form?" Din asked Yuna with a puzzled look. "There's no need to stay in that ridiculous disguise anymore you know. After all, we already know who you really are."

Yuna gave a despondent sigh at this before answering.

"Cloud cursed me into this form before he banished me. I seriously doubt either of you can undo his spell so you should get used to me being a cow for the time being."

Din became silent when she heard this but quickly recovered.

"Well, I'm sure there's some way to return you to your regular body," Din said optimistically. "After all, the HMS here has some skill in the shape-shifting department."

From the glare that the HMS was giving her, Yuna doubted that the Happy Mask Salesman would do anything to help her even if the goddess ordered him to do so. However, Yuna kept this to herself and just nodded. Seeing this, Din began to concentrate her energy for the warp spell.

However, Din was interrupted once again as Yuna suddenly remembered something.

"Wait. I have a small request that I'd like to make before we set out."

"Ugh. Hurry up. We're already late as is," the HMS said in an irritated voice.

Yuna ignored him and turned to face Din with a slightly embarrassed look.

"Can you… umm… transport a cow into this place once I leave? Malon sort of brought me here as a present for Link and I don't think she'll be very happy if he tells her that his present's missing."

Din gave a small smile at this before starting up her warp spell again.

"I'll send one over as soon as our meeting's done. In the meantime, brace yourself for this warp jump. Like our friendly little companion here reminded us, warp jumps can be quite unsettling."

The Happy Mask Salesman merely grumbled something incomprehensible at this before moving into range of Din's spell. Yuna followed suit as she stepped into the aura of red light that had appeared around the goddess. Just as Din activated her spell, Yuna looked out at the open doorway in front of her. Far away in the horizon, the sun had finally begun to rise. As its dazzling rays settled over the forest, Yuna thought she heard a familiar voice speak to her from the light itself.

_Our dream rests in your hands now._

Yuna blinked in surprise when she heard this. However, the warp spell activated before Yuna could give it anymore thought. As her form disappeared from view, Yuna managed to form a response in her thoughts.

_Tidus… No matter what happens… I promise I'll turn our dream into a reality…_

And with that the three heroes vanished from view, leaving the tree-house empty once more…

Or so it seemed.

Moments after Din, Yuna, and the Happy Mask Salesman vanished, the mysterious shopkeeper turned off his invisibility spell and came into view with a wide grin visible beneath his hat.

"It looks like all the pieces have finally fallen into place," he said to himself with a small laugh. "Now this is where things start to get interesting. Let's see how all of this plays out now, shall we?"

And with this mysterious comment, the shopkeeper vanished once more.

**xxx  
><strong>_Temple of Time, several weeks later…_

Link stepped off the Pedestal of Time as the blue light around him faded. As soon as he did so, he looked down and saw that he was once again a child. With a sigh, he realized that Zelda hadn't been kidding when she said she was going to give him back his childhood. After being a teen for so long, Link didn't know if he could stand being a kid again. Now that Ganondorf had been sealed away, that meant…

"Oh crap," Link suddenly said as he realized something. "Ganondorf's still at large in this timeline. Does that mean I'll have to go through the entire adventure again?"

"Please no," Navi groaned as she popped out from underneath Link's hat. "I don't think I can stand another world-saving quest. I need a vacation dammit."

Link became silent as he began thinking of what to do. A few weeks ago, this might've given Navi a heart attack but after seeing him solve all the puzzles in the Spirit Temple and Ganon's Castle by himself, Navi had become accustomed to the sight of Link thinking.

If there was one thing that confused Navi more than the whole time travel business, it was definitely Link's sudden ability to think logically. A few days after they had left LonLon Ranch, Navi had noticed that Link was acting decisively less stupid than usual. At first, she thought he was just trying to goof around with her but soon realized that for some unexplainable reason, Link had just gained about a hundred extra IQ points. Of course, he still did some weird things occasionally but Navi guessed that was just his strange personality at work. Either way, Navi's faith in Link had been steadily growing since then. Now, with their journey done and the world saved, she couldn't help but feel that Link had proven himself to be a true hero.

"I got it!" Link suddenly exclaimed as an idea struck his head. "We'll simply use the light arrows to snipe Ganondorf when he comes over to visit the castle! After that, we'll be able to… oh wait. We don't have the light arrows anymore. Hmm. Then how about we unleash that herd of angry elephants that we captured in the Gerudo Desert? Ganondorf will probably be crushed by the stampede… along with half the castle... Never mind. That's a stupid idea. Okay then, why don't we just throw a Pokeball at him? That is, if Pokeballs even exist in this world."

Navi quickly retracted her last thought as she face-palmed for the five billionth time in her life.

"You know what?" Link said after a brief pause. "I'll just tell the Zelda of this timeline about what'll happen in the future. I'm sure she can figure out a way to arrest Ganondorf if I do that."

"You know, that's actually a pretty decent idea," Navi commented after giving Link's idea some thought. "The only problem with that plan is finding an excuse to arrest Ganondorf with."

"I'm sure we can think of something. If we're lucky, maybe we can dig up a parking ticket he never paid off or a library book he never returned. Whatever the case is, I'm sure we can find a reason to execute him."

"Heh heh. For some reason, I can totally picture Ganondorf being executed for littering on the streets. After all the trouble he's caused us, I would love to see him meet his end like that."

"As long as Ganondorf doesn't gain the Triforce of Power during his execution then we should be fine. Of course, if that did happen, then he'll probably be banished to some alternate dimension where he'll meet a psycho usurper king who'll help him take over Hyrule a thousand years later."

"Okay…"

"Well, whatever. Either way, I say we finally earned ourselves a little rest," Link said as he sat down on the pedestal and pulled out a bottle of milk from his item pouch. "Here's to having a peaceful life from here on out."

As Navi watched in amazement, Link began to drink the entire liter of milk in one go. For some strange reason, Link seemed to be the only person that was immune to the milk's alcoholic effects. Navi had seen him drink gallons of the stuff and be perfectly fine while most people passed out after the first glass. Although she couldn't say for sure, Navi had a sneaking suspicion that the Triforce of Courage was the one responsible for this rather amazing phenomenon.

"Ah! Now that's some refreshing milk!" Link exclaimed as he finally put down the glass. "You know, I guess it was a good thing I decided to visit Kokiri Forest before we left for the final battle. Otherwise, I never would've been able to see that awesome cow that Malon delivered to my house. Man, I would've loved to have known how she actually managed to drag a cow all the way to Kokiri Forest. That must've been quite an interesting journey she had."

At this, Navi realized that she had forgotten to tell Link about Malon's invitation to the ranch. Realizing that telling him this would only cause him unneeded despair about not being able to go back to the future, Navi decided not to tell him. She knew she was breaking her promise to Malon but as things currently stood, her decision was for the best.

Link interrupted Navi's thoughts as he suddenly began humming along to the Song of Time that echoed throughout the temple walls. As Navi watched him do this, she couldn't help but notice how much Link had grown. He was still physically a child but mentally he seemed to be more grown-up than ever. Navi couldn't quite explain it but she felt that Link had finally reached the point where he could set off on his own. Of course, she still had some lingering doubts about his abilities but deep down she knew that he no longer needed her guidance. After everything he had accomplished, it was quite obvious that Link was no longer the bumbling idiot that she had started this whole adventure with in Kokiri Forest. Link was now a fully-grown hero and it was time for him to walk his own path in life.

"Well, I guess we should get going then," Link said after his lengthy break. "Come on Navi. Let's hurry up and get to Zelda before it gets dark."

With this, Link stood up and proceeded to walk out of the temple. However, he soon stopped when he realized that Navi was still floating near the Master Sword.

"Hey, what's with the hold-up?" Link asked with a smile. "Did you sprain your wing or something?"

Navi didn't answer as she just continued to hover over the pedestal. Link's smile slowly faded as he looked at his companion with a confused look. After a rather drawn-out silence, Navi finally looked up and spoke to Link in a sad voice.

"I'm sorry Link, but I'm not going with you. Not this time."

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Link asked in surprise as he started walking back towards Navi. "What do you mean you're not coming with me?"

"It means you no longer need a fairy telling you what to do," Navi explained in a surprisingly gentle voice. "I was assigned by the Great Deku Tree to look after an idiotic kid who couldn't even put his hat on straight. And from what I'm seeing now, that kid doesn't exist anymore. The only person I see before me now is a brave and accomplished hero."

"Don't be silly," Link said with a serious look as continued moving towards Navi. "Even if I did become a bit smarter, that doesn't mean I don't need your help."

"It's time you chose what path you take for yourself," Navi said in the same calm voice. "I've guided you for as long as I can. Now it's time for you to shape your own future."

"Navi…"

"Don't look sad Link. The fact that I'm telling you all of this means that you've finally earned my trust. After all, I wouldn't leave you if I didn't believe you could take care of yourself."

"But I…"

"I'll miss you Link," Navi interrupted as she started flying up towards the ceiling. "The time we spent together… I'll never forget them. You always said I looked angry, but those were the happiest days of my life."

"No! Navi!"

As Link tried in vain to reach out to her, Navi flew up towards the large window near the top of the temple. As she neared it, Navi could feel her body slowly disappearing. Just before she completely disappeared, she managed to look down one last time to see Link.

_Goodbye… my son... With you as its beacon of hope, I'm sure the future will be a bright one…_

And with that, Navi, the former Queen of Hyrule, disappeared from the world.

Link continued to stare at the now-empty window with a mixed look of shock and sadness for what seemed like an eternity. With his friend's sudden departure, Link didn't know what to say or do. After a while though, he came to realize that Navi had left believing that he could truly forge his own path ahead. With this in mind, Link suppressed his sadness and turned to look up at the window with a new, resolved look on his face.

"Navi…I promise I won't let you down," Link said in a determined voice. "I'll be sure to walk my own path as a hero no matter what challenges await me. Just you wait Navi, I'll be the most legendary hero in all of history!"

With his newfound resolve, Link turned around and began to walk out of the temple to begin his new life…

Only to stop short when his stomach started growling like an angry Wolfos.

"Crap," Link groaned as he realized just how hungry he was. "Looks like that milk wasn't enough to cover for three whole days of starvation. Man, I knew I should've gotten something real to eat before I went over to Ganondorf's castle."

Realizing that he wasn't going anywhere until he had something to eat, Link reached for his wallet so that he could visit a restaurant on his way to see Zelda. However, he soon realized with a start that his wallet was missing.

"What the…? What happened to my wallet?" Link asked aloud as he began to frantically look around for his lost money bag. "I surely couldn't have lost it while time traveling. Where did I…?"

With a look of shock, Link remembered that he had given his wallet to Navi for safekeeping just before his battle with Ganondorf.

"Oh, come on! I had over nine thousand rupees in that wallet!" Link shouted out into the empty halls of the temple. "Navi, get back here this instant! I want my money back, dammit!"

And so, the search for Navi began…

**xxx  
><strong>_LonLon Ranch, few days later…_

True to her words, Malon immediately began planning for a party as soon as word got out that Link had defeated Ganondorf. At first, she had thought to only invite a handful of people from Kakariko Village but that soon changed when her dad found out about her plans. By sending word to some of his old contacts, they were able to invite practically everyone in Hyrule. With so many guests coming over, everyone at the ranch had to work overtime to get the place ready for the party. For the next several days, Talon, Malon, and Ingo were all busy moving the animals, preparing the food, cleaning the entire ranch, and setting up the decorations. All of their hard work paid off though when the party finally got underway.

It probably went without saying that Hyrule had never seen such a huge celebration before. Every race in Hyrule had gathered together for the sole purpose of celebrating the end of Ganondorf. After most of the guests had arrived, Malon used some of her aunt's old presents to create a magical, multicolored bonfire which everyone began to dance around. Meanwhile, Talon and Ingo started a drinking contest as a large crowd gathered to see the showdown. Off in the corner, Anju was busy entertaining some of the kids by juggling some of her genetically engineered Cuccos. As the musicians began to play an upbeat tune, a handful of the Gerudo began to do the Can Can. Ironically enough, the carpenters stood practically next to the warrior-women as they served as the chorus for the musicians.

However, the real party began when some of the more interesting individuals in Hyrule appeared. Soon after arriving, Biggoron joined in on the dancing as well, causing the mountains to shake as he began doing the Macarena. Much to Malon's surprise, King Zora managed to make it to the party as well. Needless to say, the twenty unlucky Zoras who had to carry him had to sit out the entire party due to back problems. Even more surprising, however, was the fact that the Kokiri actually managed to show up. Apparently, the Great Deku Sprout had used his powers to allow the Kokiri to temporarily leave the forest and enjoy the party. Unfortunately, the Great Deku Sprout himself couldn't make it to the party. According to one of the Kokiri, he was currently busy fending off an evil chipmunk that wanted to use him as an acorn cache.

Guru-guru arrived soon afterwards and was immediately swarmed by the Kokiri. They apparently found his weird phonograph to be quite interesting as they all tried to grab it. As a result, Guru-Guru soon found himself spinning around in circles while being held upside-down by the Kokiri. However, he really didn't seem to mind that much as he continued to play the phonograph for the kid's amusement. A few hours into the party, a trio of very strange people came in on a giant flying carpet. One was an old man who Malon recognized as the professor that Anju usually talked about. The person next to him looked like a sumo wrestler and was constantly snacking on a bag of… something… which never seemed to run out. The strangest of the three, however, was the one in the center. His entire body was overshadowed by an enormous hairdo that extended over his back like a giant cloak. After getting a look at this strange guest, Malon was amazed that the man wasn't being crushed under the weight of his hair. Malon had little time to ponder about this, however, as the sound of Talon and Ingo's singing reached her ears. Apparently they had gone a little overboard with their drinking contest. As such, the two of them were standing arm-in-arm near the bonfire as they began singing like a pair of drunken sailors. A group of various shopkeepers joined the two as they gathered around them and began dancing to their off-key singing. As she glanced at this sight, Malon thought she saw the Happy Mask Salesman within the dance group. Before she could look more clearly though, Anju appeared and started dragging her to the center of the party. As it so happened, Anju had told everyone about Malon's superb singing abilities, causing quite a lot of people to gather as they waited eagerly for her to perform. Deciding not disappoint her fans, Malon agreed to their request and began to sing a livelier version of her mother's song. The carpenters soon joined in, causing the night air to resound with the sound of their singing.

The rest of the evening passed by like a blur to Malon. She had trouble keeping track of everything that went on during the party but some of the more memorable moments definitely stuck by her for years to come. Anju showing off her new dancing chickens, the running man's ill-fated decision to race a rolling Goron, the Kokiri putting up a skit about Link's victory over Ganondorf, the multi-colored shooting stars passing across the night sky… these were all parts of a treasured memory that Malon held dear. And yet… the one person that she wanted to share these memories with wasn't there with her.

Late into the night, Epona suddenly showed up and ran straight to Malon. Seeing the horse, Malon felt a faint flutter of hope in her heart, only for it to be immediately crushed when she saw that there was no rider. Not wanting to spoil the party for everyone else, Malon kept her disappointment to herself and tried her hardest to enjoy the night.

After a while though, Malon couldn't keep up the act up any longer and quietly snuck out of the ranch. As she stepped out, the cold night air greeted her. After taking a deep breath, she sat down on the grass and stared out at the vast expanse of land that lay before her. As her eyes traveled across Hyrule Field, Malon couldn't help but remember her travels with Yuna. Looking back on it, Malon was amazed at how far they had actually traveled to reach Kokiri Forest. In hindsight, all they really had to do was travel directly east from the ranch and they would've been able to reach the forest in a few short days. Instead, they had taken the long way around, having to go through practically every major location in Hyrule… just like Link did on his adventure.

Malon shook her head at this as she tried to quickly move her thoughts away from him. If he hadn't bothered to show up after this long, the chances of him ever arriving were close to nothing. Of course, there was always the possibility that Navi hadn't told him about the party but Malon doubted it. More than likely, Link was just dragged away into another crazy adventure and was too busy to show up. After all, Epona wouldn't have returned unless she knew for a fact that Link wasn't going to be coming back.

As she continued to mull over all of this, Malon heard someone approaching behind her. She immediately raised her guard but soon relaxed when she realized it was just her dad. Apparently, he had finally recovered from his drunken stupor and had come searching for his daughter after realizing that she was missing.

"You feeling alright Malon?" Talon asked as he sat down next to her. "You might catch a cold if you continue to sit out here any longer."

Malon didn't say anything to this as she continued to stare blankly ahead.

"Not very talkative today, are you?" Talon mused as he began gazing across the empty field as well. "Would you mind telling me what's eating at you?"

Malon remained silent as she pulled in her legs close and rested her head on her knees. After a few minutes of silence, Talon suddenly gave a small laugh as he looked out at the western regions of the field.

"That place sure brings back a lot of memories," Talon said in answer to Malon's questioning look. "You know, Hyrule might've changed a lot during these past few years but the field looks the same as ever. That place over there is where I found the entrance to the underground platypus kingdom during my army days."

"Dad, I hardly think now is the time to be telling your old war stories," Malon said in an exasperated voice.

"Oh, this isn't just some old war story," Talon replied with a smile. "You see, that's where I met your mother for the second time after our rather… interesting… first encounter."

Malon immediately looked up in surprise when her dad said this. Ever since her mom had left, Talon had refused to talk about her unless it was absolutely necessary. Until now, Malon had always thought that her dad was mad at her mom for leaving them, but the casual way he spoke of her now showed that this wasn't the case.

"I thought you said you met mom for the second time while battling a giant, three-headed platypus that could shoot flaming waffles from its mouth," Malon commented with a confused look on her face. "You never told me anything about an entire underground platypus kingdom."

"You were just a kid back then. I didn't want to scare you into believing that a platypus army would suddenly rise out of the ground and take over the surface world. Needless to say, this was exactly what those things were planning to do before we stopped them."

"Wait. Are you telling me there's an entire race of platypus-men living underneath our feet as we speak?" Malon asked skeptically.

"Well, they used to at least," Talon explained. "You see, while the three goddesses were creating Hyrule, Farore had the smart idea of creating a race of platypus beings just for the sheer fun of it. Of course, she forgot all about them after they all went underground a few hundred years later. Unbeknownst to her, the platypus slowly evolved in their underground homes and began preparing to take over the world above them. According to your mom, they tried to invade Hyrule once before but were stopped when some giant statue landed on top of them just as they finished digging their way out."

"…"

"Yeah, I was a bit confused by that as well. Well, either way, your aunts apparently took notice of these platypus-men shortly after my first meeting with your mom and ordered her to take care of it. As for me, I was just returning from another mission when I accidentally fell down into a tunnel that lead straight to their kingdom. After meeting up with each other, your mother and I decided to work together to get rid of the platypus-men. Long-story short, we managed to collapse their entire kingdom before getting out of there ourselves. Unfortunately, one of their mutant super-soldiers managed to survive the collapse and came out to attack us."

"I'm guessing that was the three-headed platypus that could shoot waffles from its mouth?"

"Yep. I tell you, if Din hadn't been there, I don't know how I would've managed to make it out of that one. On the plus side though, Hyrule enjoyed an excess supply of waffles for the next five years after that battle."

Malon couldn't help but laugh when she heard this. Her dad soon joined in and the sound of their laughter echoed across the silent field. Malon could hardly remember the last time she had laughed so hard as the two of them continued to fill the night air with the sounds of their laughter. After a long while, they finally calmed down and stared out at the field once again.

"Dad?" Malon asked after a long pause. "Do you… I mean… are you mad at mom? You know, for leaving us and all?"

Just like Malon had expected, Talon didn't immediately respond and remained silent for a very long time. Just when Malon thought he wasn't going to answer, Talon suddenly spoke up.

"Nah," Talon said as he faced his daughter with a smile. "I'm not mad at her. After all, she didn't exactly leave because she wanted to. Even though we're her family, it still doesn't change the fact that she's a goddess. It's her responsibility to take care of this world and I'm sure as not going to hate her for doing her job. I mean, I would like it if she didn't have to be away for so long but I guess it's just something you have to deal with when your wife's one of the three great goddesses. Besides, she promised to come back to see us one day so I'll believe in her and continue to wait. I don't know how long that'll be but I know for sure that she'll keep her promise."

Hearing Talon's words, Malon began to feel guilty about blaming Link for not coming to the party. Just like with her mother, Link had his responsibilities as a hero and it wouldn't be fair for everyone else if she kept him from fulfilling his duty. And besides, he did promise to come back to tell her all about his adventure. All she had to do was believe in him and trust that he'd come back.

"Umm… dad?" Malon asked after another brief silence. "If you weren't mad at mom, then why didn't you want to talk about her until now?"

"Hmm. That's a tough question," Talon thought aloud as he tried thinking of an answer. "Well, I suppose it was because I didn't want to keep looking at the past while I waited for her to come back. You see, soon after your mother left, I began slacking off to daydream about our old times together whenever I thought of her. As a result, the ranch began to fall into disorder. The animals weren't being fed correctly, the stables were a mess, and the barn began to look like a dump. After a while, I realized that if I kept thinking about the past, then I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything in the present. With that in mind, I decided to keep moving forward so that when your mom did arrive, everything would be in tip-top shape."

As Malon went over everything her dad had told her, she looked down and saw her mother's pendant and Link's necklace hanging around her neck. As she held these two mementos in her hand, she could feel her hope building up again. She didn't know when her mom or Link would come back but she knew that she couldn't bother to waste her time thinking about the past. Just like they had their responsibilities, Malon had her own things to do as well. And as her dad had said, she had to keep moving forward to accomplish them.

As if to personify Malon's new hope, the sun began to rise far away in the distance. As the first rays of the sun reached her, Malon clenched her hands tightly over the necklace and pendant and resolved to aim for the future as she waited for her mom and Link to return. She didn't know if it'd be days or years but she knew that they'd eventually see each other again. Until that time, she would continue to take care of the ranch so that when they did come back, they would have a home to return to. And with this new goal in mind, Malon stood up to begin the next chapter of her life.


	20. Advent Children

It's finally out! After journeying across the schorching deserts of the Sahara, battling a tribe of warrior women in the Amazon, and wrestling a giant cave bear in Russia, I've finally uploaded the epilogue!

Okay, okay. I only did one of the things I listed up above and it sure doesn't involve any cave bears.

Anyways, I think it's safe to warn you that this chapter is going to jump around like a kangaroo on caffeine. Also, this chapter is extremely morbid and has no humor in it at all. And if you believed that last statement, then I'm actually a rogue super-computer who's brainwashing all of you into becoming my loyal servants who will take over the world for me. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ahem. Getting back to the point, this chapter isn't exactly my best piece of work but it gets the job done. I promise the sequel is going to be a lot funnier than this chapter so don't worry about me turning this into a terrible story where some stupid snake man resurrects every dead character in the entire series. You know what I'm talking about Kishimoto!

Getting back on track (again (which is actually a great song by Yui)) the sequel is well on its way. I've finished the synopsis and I'm currently working on the prologue. I'm not saying when it's coming out (seeing as how I'll probably never make it on time anyways) but just know that it'll be out sometime within the next two months. I'll post a notification chapter in this story when I publish the sequel so you can all know exactly when it comes out. Get ready for a war scene the likes of which you've never imagined! In fact, the only way you could've imagined such a thing is if you got hit on the head by a giant leek wielded by a talking walrus.

Okay, I think I scared off enough of my readers now. Now enjoy the final chapter to a story that took far too long to finish. Behold, the end of a delivery and the beginning of a legend!

* * *

><p>"<em>Eternal peace is merely an illusion. All we can do is cherish the time we have and prepare for the battles that lie ahead of us."<br>_– Arc

**Malon's Epic Cow Delivery  
>Epilogue: Advent Children<strong>

As the sun slowly rose over LonLon Ranch, a lone Cucco began crowing to signal the start of yet another dull and monotonous day for Malon. At least, that was what she was prepared to face as she slowly sat up from her bed with a yawn. With a tired look on her face, Malon blearily looked out of her window to take a look at the ranch. Not much to her surprise, there was nothing new to greet her.

Seven long years had passed since Link had defeated Ganondorf. During this time, Hyrule had changed dramatically as the people worked hard to restore the kingdom to its former glory and prosperity. Under the wise leadership of Zelda, the recently crowned Queen of Hyrule, the kingdom was well on its way in achieving this dream. Numerous towns were rebuilt, new trade routes were established, free healthcare was provided, the economy was restored (despite the ongoing existence of the rupee-grass virus), and advances in technology helped farmers grow and harvest more crops than ever before. To an outsider, the current Hyrule would've been almost unrecognizable from the shambles it had been in seven years ago.

And yet, despite all the changes going on around it, LonLon Ranch looked the same as ever. The same walls, the same buildings… even the small tree next to the corrals looked exactly like it had seven years ago. At a glance, the only noticeable differences would've been the new farm tools and animals that occupied the ranch.

However, if one took a closer look at the ranch, they would've seen that this was hardly the case. Even though LonLon Ranch looked the same on the outside, the overall atmosphere around it had drastically changed. The lively and cheerful air that had always surrounded the ranch seven years ago was no longer there. Instead, it felt as if a dark cloud had settled over the ranch, replacing the old livelihood with a feeling of melancholy and despair. It was as if all the happiness and joy had been sucked right out of the place. In fact, some of the villagers even began spreading rumors about the ranch being infested by a swarm of Dementors. As a result, a group of local wizards secretly snuck into the ranch one night and began casting Patronus charms all over the place. Unfortunately, the only thing they accomplished by doing that was waking up an irate demi-goddess from her sleep. No one ever saw the wizards again but a traveling merchant reported seeing Malon sweeping up a large pile of ash the next day. Needless to say, no one ever snuck into the ranch again.

Anyhow, the real reason for the ranch's gloominess lay with its new owner. Ever since she had inherited the establishment from her father four years ago, Malon had been sinking ever deeper into a pit of depression. Everyone who visited could tell that something was bothering her as she carried out her ranch duties with a heavy heart. She still tried to keep a cheerful image in front of the public but it was quite clear that her smiles were forced. Of course, no one could fully understand why she was so depressed. To them, she was a beautiful young lady who owned the most prestigious ranch in all of Hyrule. She was kind-hearted, rich, and well-liked by almost everyone she met. It seemed strange how anyone in her position could possibly be unhappy.

Whatever the reason was, it was quite clear that no one was going to figure out anytime soon. Ever since her friend Anju had moved away to a foreign country to continue her "research", Malon had isolated herself inside the ranch. Nowadays, she only stepped outside to make her daily deliveries to Castle Town. Aside from that, it was practically impossible to see her beyond the ranch's walls.

With another tired yawn, Malon finally got out of her bed and looked at her to-do list that was pinned on the wall next to her. With a start, she realized that she was supposed to make another delivery to Castle Town that day. Malon thought for sure that the delivery was scheduled for the day after tomorrow, but then again, the days were so uneventful that they began to get mixed up together in her mind. If it wasn't for her to-do list, it would've been almost impossible for Malon to keep track of her delivery dates seeing as how every day was just like the other.

Realizing that she would have to speed things up to make the delivery on time, Malon briefly focused her energy before snapping her fingers. In a flash, Malon's pajamas were instantly replaced with her work clothes. Even though she was now in her mid-twenties, Malon's sense of fashion hadn't changed one bit. She still wore a white blouse, purple skirt, and a pair of brown boots. The only difference was that she no longer wore a scarf around her neck. Other than that, her clothes looked almost identical to the ones she wore seven years ago.

After making sure that her clothes were on straight, Malon reached into her pocket to pull out a pin to tie up her hair. With so much work to do around the ranch, Malon had soon realized that she no longer had the luxury to manage her hair and keep it down like she did before. As such, she had taken to pinning her hair up while working.

As Malon silently tied up her hair, she began going through all the things she had to do after the delivery. The new milk bottles had to be labeled, the horses needed to be groomed, the mole-men had to be chased out of the barn again, and the broken fence had to be fixed. With a sigh, Malon realized that she had another long day ahead of her.

Just as Malon finished tying up her hair, the hairpin that she was holding suddenly snapped in two. Malon let her hair fall back down as she lowered her hand to stare at the broken pin with a disbelieving look. She had just bought the hairpin after her last delivery to Castle Town so it confused her as to why it would suddenly break. Castle Town goods weren't exactly the best but they definitely should have lasted for longer than a mere week. Before she could ponder about this any further, the Cucco crowed once more as if to remind her that she still had a delivery to make. With an annoyed sigh, Malon threw away the now-worthless pin into the wastebasket before walking over to her drawer to get out a spare.

As Malon opened up the drawer, she realized that she hadn't bothered to organize its contents for quite a long time. Various little trinkets littered the inside of the drawer as if they had all been carelessly thrown in there and then forgotten. As Malon began digging around the mass of her belongings, numerous little mementos and keepsakes from her past caught her eye. There was the wrapper from her first candy bar, the remains of the notepad that she had accidentally set on fire as a kid, the Gameboy Color that Nayru had secretly given to her during one of her visits, the old doll that she used to play with, the Elder Scrolls that Farore had brought back as a souvenir from her "vacation" in Skyrim, and also the strange, rainbow colored feather that she had found several years ago. However, none of these things seemed to have much effect on Malon as she simply shoved them aside to find her hairpin. After a few more seconds of searching, she finally managed to find the pin lying near the corner of the drawer. As she reached out to pick it up, however, her hand brushed up against the two objects that lay in the corner. Malon's face immediately darkened as her eyes fell on her mother's pendant and the necklace that Link had once given her. Without a word, she quickly pulled out the hairpin before slamming the drawer shut. Malon stormed out of her room after this, leaving only a lingering feeling of anger and grief behind.

**xxx**

With another tired sigh, Malon looked over her wagon to make sure everything was accounted for. After seeing that everything was set for her trip to Castle Town, she went back inside to the kitchen to pack something to eat. After grabbing a small bag of trail mix along with a bottle of milk, she went into the living room to check her hair once more using the mirror there. After making sure her hair was pinned up properly, she headed out to tell her dad that she was leaving.

The sun was already fully up by the time Malon made it to Talon's usual resting place next to their house. Trying her hardest to smile, Malon walked over to where her dad was and knelt down so he could hear her.

"I'll be back soon, dad," Malon said in a quiet voice. "I'm just going out for a couple of hours to make my usual delivery so don't worry about me. Keep watch over the ranch while I'm gone, okay?"

With that, Malon stood up and gave one final glance at her father's grave.

**xxx**

It had already been four years since Talon had died from a sudden illness but Malon still couldn't accept the fact that he had died. The loss of her father seemed to gnaw away at her each and every day as she single-handedly took care of the ranch. This in itself would've been enough to crush her but there was something else that pained her even more. During Talon's final days, he had wished that he could see Din one last time before he passed on. Hearing this, Malon had gained a spark of hope that her mother would miraculously appear and make everything better. After all, Malon thought, if Din really did care for her family then she would definitely come down to help during such a desperate time. In the end, however, Din did not appear and Malon was left alone to grieve for her dead father.

Several months later, Malon was suddenly faced with the daunting task of running the ranch all by herself. During one of his trips to Castle Town, Ingo managed to land a job as the manager for a group of traveling performers. A few days later, he wordlessly ran off with his new troupe to pursue his new career goal. As a result, Malon was left all alone at the ranch with only the animals to keep her company. For a few weeks, Malon had tried hiring people to work at the ranch but most of them turned out to be terribly inefficient. The few decent workers that Malon came across either quit after a short time or were eaten by the mole people. With more and more work piling up around her, Malon was eventually faced with the choice of either having to sell the ranch or somehow figuring out a way to run the entire place by herself. After a long and uncertain period of time, Malon finally managed to come up with an answer. Even though she hated the thought of using anything that reminded her of her mother, Malon decided that the only way she could manage the ranch was by utilizing her supernatural powers. With this conviction, Malon had begun searching every bookstore in Hyrule for a usable guide on how to use magic.

Unfortunately, finding a beginner's guide to magic turned out to be a harder task than Malon had originally anticipated. The only spell books that she managed to find were all devoted to high-level sorcery such as creating a Philosopher's Stone or turning people into gummy bears. Even after searching the very outskirts of Hyrule, Malon failed to find a single book that taught the basics of magic.

Just when Malon had given up hope, however, she happened to chance upon an old, run-down bookstore while making her weekly deliveries to Castle Town. As it so happened, Malon would probably not have even known about the store's existence if she had not taken a detour through one of the side-alleyways to avoid the construction work on the main road. Normally, Malon would not have gone into such a shady-looking building but the thought of losing the ranch eventually overcame her worries as she entered the antique bookstore.

The first thing Malon noticed when she entered the shop was how dirty the place looked. Everything from the small number of bookshelves to the empty counter was covered by a thick layer of dust. In fact, if it wasn't for the fresh cup of coffee sitting on the counter, Malon might have believed that the place was abandoned. Just when Malon changed her mind and tried to leave the place, her eyes were drawn to a black-and-yellow book lying next to the coffee mug. As she leaned over to inspect what it was, Malon saw with quite a bit of surprise that the book was titled: _Magic for Dummies_. After hesitantly picking it up and looking through it, Malon realized that this was the book she had been looking for. Unfortunately, with the store owner missing, Malon was forced to wait around in the hopes that he or she would come back within a few minutes. After waiting almost half an hour though, Malon decided to just leave a hundred rupees on the counter in payment for the book before leaving.

For the rest of the year, Malon spent her time studying the book and practicing her magical skills to accomplish her chores. In the end, all of her hard work paid off as she was able to single-handedly accomplish the work of ten people by using her powers. With just a snap of her fingers, Malon was able to clean the barn, feed the animals, gather the eggs, do the laundry, cook a meal, and even build a new set of chairs for the living room, all at the same time. With all of her work taken care of in less than a minute, Malon found that she had a surprising amount of free time in her hands.

Unfortunately, this soon lead to another problem. Without any work to distract her, Malon found herself thinking of matters that she rather would've forgotten about. Aside from her mother and father, the thing that bothered her the most were the memories of her old friends.

Just like she had promised, Malon had gone to Kokiri Forest to visit Yuna after only a month since their adventure had ended. Much to her surprise, however, she had found a different cow waiting for her at Link's house. After asking one of the Kokiri, Malon learned that Yuna had apparently disappeared one day and was mysteriously replaced by the cow that was currently in the tree house. With no clue as to where Yuna had disappeared, Malon was forced to go back home with the terrible feeling of being abandoned by one of her closest friends.

Things only got worse for Malon from there. For over three years, Malon patiently waited for Link to fulfill his promise to return. However, after losing her father and single-handedly running the ranch for several months, Malon finally came to the conclusion that Link had abandoned her as well. It pained her greatly to think this way but if he hadn't bothered to appear after five years, it was unlikely that he would ever appear at all. Feeling betrayed by Link for not keeping his promise to her, Malon had angrily thrown away the necklace he had given her into Hyrule Field. Strangely enough though, she found the necklace lying on her nightstand the next day. Undeterred by this, Malon tried to dispose of it once again by throwing it in the general direction of Death Mountain. Much to her surprise and frustration, however, the necklace was back in her room the following morning. After a few more unsuccessful efforts to get rid of it, Malon eventually settled on shoving away the necklace into her drawer along with her mother's pendant which she had previously locked away as well.

With all of these thoughts troubling her, Malon had settled on doing some of her work manually to distract herself. Even though she felt more tired from having to use magic as well as doing physical work, Malon felt a lot better from not having to deal with her troubled past. For the next three years, Malon simply spent her days running the ranch as well as continuing to practice using her powers. As time went on, life began to turn into a routine schedule for Malon as every day began to pass just like the last one with nothing interesting to separate them from each other. It was in this stale existence that Malon found herself living in today.

**xxx**

"Excuse me. Would you happen to be Ms. Malon by any chance?"

Malon was roused from her thoughts as she slowly turned around from her father's grave to see who had asked her the question. What she found was a young man with a shrewd looking face and oily black hair dressed up in an expensive looking suit. The thing that really caught Malon's attention though was the fact that he was carrying a bouquet of flowers with him. With a twinge of annoyance, Malon immediately knew that he was another suitor who wished to ask for her hand in marriage.

Ever since news had gotten out that Talon had died, a mass of suitors had swarmed towards the ranch in an effort to marry Malon. Of course, it was apparently clear what their real intentions were as soon as they set foot on the ranch. To them, the death of Talon simply meant an opportunity to gain possession of the most prestigious ranch in all of Hyrule as well as getting a pretty trophy wife to go along with it. The greedy looks on their faces as they strutted through the ranch as if they already owned the place was proof enough of their selfish thoughts. Luckily for Malon though, she had her handy goddess powers with her. Anyone that refused to leave even after she told them no was immediately sent on a one-way trip to Death Mountain. However, despite the fate of these unlucky bachelors, the stream of suitors never seemed to end. As a result, Malon was forced to devise ever more creative ways to make sure that the suitors never came back.

After deciding on what method to use on the current suitor, Malon faced him with a fake smile on her face.

"Yes, I'm Malon. And who might you be?"

"I'm Sir Nicholas of the Jackson family," he proudly replied as he stepped forward to present the flowers to Malon. "Before you say anything though please take these flowers. I hand-picked them for you from my garden this morning."

"Right… umm… thank you Sir Nicholas," Malon replied as she reluctantly accepted the flowers.

"You can just call me Nick," he said with a wink.

Resisting the urge to vomit, Malon faced her suitor with another phony smile.

"So… Nick… who exactly are you and what's your business at LonLon Ranch?"

"Oh, right. I don't think you'd know this but I'm actually the son of a very wealthy duke. You see, my family owns the biggest mines in Hyrule. In fact, almost three-fourths of Hyrule's iron supply comes from us. Of course, we also dig up quite a lot of gold, silver, and other valuable metals but we mostly keep those for ourselves. Anyways, my father approached me a few weeks ago and told me that he was willing to pass on the family estate and business to me. However, he told me I needed to find a suitable wife before he finalized the deal. Needless to say, my father has a very high standard so I couldn't pick just any girl to marry me. I needed to find someone who was both beautiful and wealthy. As such, I had to scour the lands to…"

Nick continued to trail on with his long-winded story but Malon stopped paying attention past that point. She had already heard all of these "my family's rich so marry me" stories before and quite frankly she was sick of them. Also, Malon had noticed that Nick's eyes kept wandering below her face as he checked her out. Deciding that she had wasted enough time on this idiot, she silently gathered up her energy before discretely making a slight jabbing motion with her index finger towards Nick. Almost immediately, the pompous young suitor was sent flying as if he had been hit with a giant sledgehammer.

"What… what was that?" Nick shouted out as he got back up. "What the hell just hit me right now?"

Malon gave a fake sigh before answering in a nonchalant tone.

"Damn. I can't believe that Poe's still here. I thought I chased it out ages ago."

"Poe? You mean those ghost creatures that haunt graveyards?" Nick asked nervously as he looked around for the imaginary ghost.

"Yep. From what I remember, the Poe that haunted this place liked to whack around its victim for a bit before torching them with its lantern."

Instead of running away in fear like Malon had expected, Nick just nervously stood around as if he could actually confront the ghost. Deciding that the young noble needed a little more encouragement to run away, Malon snapped her fingers behind her back. Almost immediately, the barn burst into fire as if someone had poured oil all over the place and then thrown a torch in there. Seeing this, Nick's eyes widened in fear as he began backing away.

"Hmm. Guess the Poe missed," Malon said in the same bored tone. "Then again, its aim was always terrible. Of course, it always did manage to hit its target on its second try."

This finally did the trick as Nick went running away while screaming like a little girl. With a tired sigh, Malon snapped her fingers again causing the fire to disappear. Surprisingly, the barn looked perfectly fine despite being set on fire. Even the interior was undamaged as none of the animals and tools were harmed.

Looking down, Malon realized that she was still holding onto the flowers that she had received. Without even hesitating, she incinerated it with a burst of fire, leaving only a pile of ashes behind. Dusting off her hands, Malon casually made her way to the wagon to get on with her delivery.

**xxx**

Several hours later, Malon was seen in her wagon as she slowly made her way towards Castle Town. Just like the countless deliveries she had made before, there was really nothing of interest to say about her trip so far. She had simply traversed across Hyrule Field in silence as the sun began to rise higher into the sky. As the outline of Castle Town got closer and closer, Malon began going over all the things she needed to buy once she got there. However, her thoughts were interrupted when she saw someone walking along the road a little ways ahead of her. This in itself wouldn't have gotten her attention but the fact that the young man was limping definitely did. From the looks of things, he was trying to get to Castle Town despite his bad leg. Feeling sorry for him, Malon decided to give him a lift.

"Excuse me," Malon called out after steering the wagon near him. "Are you heading towards Castle Town? If you are, I can give you a ride."

Hearing this, the stranger turned around to face her. The first thing that Malon noticed was the large, brown-colored fedora that he wore over his untidy black hair. As Malon got a good look at the young man, she found that the rest of his attire was just as strange as his hat. He was wearing a pair of tan trousers, long-sleeved black shirt, a pair of worn-out boots, and a dark-green cloak. Age-wise, he seemed to be a few years younger than Malon but the fact that his face was mostly covered by his hat made it difficult to say for sure. All that was visible beneath his silly-looking hat was a faint smile as he seemed to look straight at Malon.

"Thank you for the offer but I can manage on my own," the stranger replied in a very polite tone. "I don't want to cause any unnecessary trouble for you."

"No, it's fine really. I'm heading towards Castle Town myself so it's not a bother at all. Besides, I saw you limping as you walked."

"Oh, you saw that?" he said in a slightly embarrassed way. "It's just a minor inconvenience really. You really don't have to concern yourself over me."

"Just get on board," Malon said with a smile. "I'm not a roadway bandit or anything if that's what you're worried about."

"Never took you for one," the stranger said with a smile of his own. "Oh, alright. I really can't say no to such a kind offer now, can I?"

With that, the young man got onboard at the rear of the wagon and sat down next to the crates of milk. After checking to make sure her passenger was fully seated, Malon took up the reins and got the wagon moving again. After a few minutes of silence, Malon decided to strike up a conversation.

"So… what's your name?" Malon asked while keeping her eyes on the road.

Her passenger didn't respond right away as an awkward silence formed between the two. After a while though, he finally answered.

"Arc… Arc Tenour."

"Arc Tenour? That's a strange name. Well, Arc, where exactly are you from? From your clothes and name, I'm guessing you're not from around here?"

Another brief silence ensued before Arc answered.

"Well, I can tell you that I'm not from Hyrule but that's all I can say really."

"What do you mean?"

All Malon got in response was another silence. Wondering why Arc kept hesitating before answering her questions, Malon gave a quick backwards glance to see what her passenger was doing. As her eyes fell on Arc, she immediately understood why he seemed to be so distracted. He was currently absorbed in a small paperback book that he had gotten out after getting on the wagon. As if realizing that he was being watched, Arc lowered his book and faced Malon with a smile.

"Oh, sorry about that. I didn't realize the conversation was still going on," Arc explained as he put away his book.

"There's no need to apologize. In fact, I should be apologizing for interrupting you."

"No worries. I've already read that book at least a hundred times before. I have to say though, it never seems to get old."

"What kind of story is it?" Malon asked as she turned her eyes back on the road.

"It's a funny little fantasy story about an unlikely hero who has to prevent an evil overlord from taking over the entire known universe," Arc answered.

"So it's just like every other fantasy story out there," Malon said in an unimpressed tone.

"Well, I wouldn't say that. You see, the story begins with the hero living a normal life with her best friend. Unfortunately, she soon finds herself dragged into a war of epic proportions."

"Right," Malon replied in an offhand way as she found herself losing interest in what Arc was saying.

"Anyways, the story goes on as the hero meets up with old friends, finds new allies, suffers terrible hardships, and finally confronts the evil overlord. I won't spoil the book for you but just know that the ending is rather bittersweet."

"Uh huh," Malon said, not paying any attention to what Arc was saying as she began going over her shopping list again in her mind.

"Of course, my favorite character in the book is the mysterious stranger who occasionally appears to help the hero. The things he says don't seem to make a lot of sense when you first hear them but as the story progresses you begin to learn the true meaning of his words."

"That's nice."

With that, silence once again enveloped the wagon. However, Malon's attention was diverted back to Arc when he suddenly began laughing.

"What's so funny?" Malon asked as she glanced back with a questioning look.

"Oh, nothing," Arc replied with another smile. "It's just… in the story that I'm reading the main character first meets her mysterious helper while traveling in a wagon. I just found it kind of funny how similar that scene is with the scenario going on here. Heh. Maybe you're going to be a great hero who goes on to stop an evil dictator as well?"

"Right. When that happens, you'll be the first to know," Malon said as she turned back around and began thinking of all the chores she had to do once she got back.

"If only you knew the truth of those words," Arc said to himself in a faint whisper. Of course, Malon was too focused on her own thoughts and didn't catch what Arc had just said.

A few minutes later, Arc suddenly spoke up again.

"By the way, do you happen to know about a guy called the Hero of Time?"

Malon's grip on the reins suddenly tightened as she tried to prevent her emotions from showing.

"Yeah, I know about him. Why?"

"Well, do you know where he is at the moment? I've heard from some of the local townspeople that he's a great hero who once saved this land. As such, I was rather hoping I could meet him and ask him to tell me about his great adventure. As you might have figured out already, I'm a big fan of epic adventure stories."

"You won't find him here," Malon said in a grave voice. "He abandoned us after his little adventure."

"Abandoned? What do you mean?"

"He promised to return but never did. I don't care if he saved the world or not. Anyone that can't even keep a simple promise is no hero of mine."

"Oh," Arc said as if realizing what was going on. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought this up."

"No. It's not your fault," Malon quickly said in a barely controlled voice. "If there's anyone to blame, it's him."

For the next few minutes, the only sound that could be heard was the creaking of the wagon's wheels.

"So… umm… do you know about a place called the Temple of Time?" Arc asked hesitantly, finally breaking the silence that had formed.

"Yes. From what I've heard, it's somewhere to the east of Castle Town's marketplace. I've never been there before but apparently it's some big tourist attraction nowadays. Why do you ask?"

"I just heard it's a good place to go to if you're ever unsure of where to go next. Apparently, you can learn the truth of things if you go there. Of course, that's probably just all a myth to attract tourists but I thought it might worth taking a look. If I can't meet the Hero of Time, I might as well go see the biggest tourist attraction in Hyrule."

For once, Malon was actually interested in what Arc had just told her. The prospect of learning the truth about all of her unanswered questions intrigued Malon greatly. However, before she could ask Arc about the matter any further, the wagon approached the drawbridge leading into Castle Town. As usual, one of the castle's guards was keeping watch over the various people coming in and out of the bustling town. As Malon's wagon drew near, the guard stopped them to check who was entering.

"Oh, it's you Ms. Malon!" the guard exclaimed as soon as he realized who the person driving the wagon was. "Making an extra delivery this week?"

"What? I thought…"

Malon was suddenly interrupted as a small beaver appeared and stole the guard's wallet.

"Argh! Not again! Come back here you thieving beaver! I won't have you steal my wallet for a fifth time!"

As Malon watched in confusion, the guard ran off to try and get his wallet back.

"Well, that was certainly strange," Arc commented as he silently pulled his hand out of his cloak. "Anyways, why don't we go in now? I'm sure you've got more important things to do than watch a guy chase after a beaver."

"Oh, right," Malon said as she turned around and urged the horse forward. As they passed underneath the gates of Castle Town, Malon couldn't help but think about what the guard had told her before getting his wallet stolen.

"What's wrong?" Arc asked, noticing Malon's puzzled look.

"I'm just wondering if I got the dates mixed up for my delivery. I mean, that guard just said I was making an extra delivery so…"

"Ah, don't worry about it," Arc said in a reassuring way. "I'm sure the guard was the one mixing up the dates."

"I hope so," Malon muttered as she steered the wagon through the narrow streets of Hyrule Castle. "Anyways, where should I drop you off?"

"The central marketplace would be nice. I'll do some shopping there before heading over to the Temple of Time."

"Alright."

Once they finally reached the marketplace, Malon stopped the wagon and turned around to say goodbye to her passenger.

"Well, looks like we're here," Malon said as she faced Arc with a smile. "You take care of yourself now, okay?"

"Of course," Arc said as he got off the wagon. "And thanks for the ride Ms. Malon."

"Just Malon is fine," she replied as she waved goodbye to Arc's retreating form.

"Sure thing! I'm sure we'll see each other real soon Malon!" Arc shouted out before disappearing into the crowd of people surrounding the marketplace.

With that out of the way, Malon made her way towards the newly constructed castle to finally complete her delivery.

**xxx**

Half an hour later, Malon steered her wagon back to the central marketplace looking more confused than ever. After reaching the castle's kitchen, Malon had gone down to deliver the milk to the head chef. However, the confused chef had told her that she had already made the delivery for that week. As Malon just stood there wondering how she could have accidentally mislabeled her schedule, the head chef had told her in a reassuring manner that she had obviously just made a mistake because she was tired. After telling her to go home and get some rest, the chef had gone back to the kitchen, leaving a very puzzled Malon alone.

As Malon came into the marketplace, she realized that she didn't have the money to buy all the things on her shopping list. She had counted on using the money from the delivery to buy her supplies but with the delivery turning out to be a giant mistake, Malon was left with only a handful of rupees that she had planned to use for food. With a frustrated sigh, Malon prepared to go back home empty-handed. However, just as she began heading towards the town's exit, she realized that she was starving. Deciding that she might as well grab something to eat before heading out, she parked her wagon near the town stables and headed off into one of the numerous restaurants.

After enjoying her meal of roasted Cuccos with potatoes, Malon left the restaurant and looked up to see how much time she had before the sun set. Much to her surprise, she found the sun in the exact same place as she last saw it. Guessing that she had finished her meal a lot quicker than she thought, Malon began thinking of what she could do with the remaining time. After a few minutes, Malon remembered her conversation with Arc about the Temple of Time. Until now, Malon had avoided the place seeing as how it reminded her of Link. But now, with Arc's story of finding answers there resounding through her head, Malon decided it would be worth taking a look. With her mind made up, Malon began heading towards the Temple of Time.

**xxx**

The first thing Malon noticed as she went inside the temple was how empty the place was. For a world-famous tourist spot, the place was strangely vacant. With a fair amount of surprise, Malon soon realized that she was the only one inside the temple's great hall. The pack of tourists who usually occupied the temple was nowhere to be seen. Even the various booths that sold souvenirs were all empty as if they had been abandoned in a great rush. Just as Malon was wondering if she should leave the empty temple as well, her eyes fell on the stone altar at the far end of the temple. Curious, Malon went over to investigate.

As soon as she got close to the altar, she saw an inscription written on the large stone slab:

_**Ye who owns 3 Spiritual Stone**_

_**Stand with the Ocarina of Time**_

_**And play the Song of Time**_

Seeing this, Malon remembered Link telling her about how the Triforce lay on the other side of the Door of Time. With this thought, Malon suddenly realized that the Triforce had the power to answer all of her questions. Perhaps this was what Arc had been talking about when he told her about finding the truth. By using the power of the Triforce, she could find out why everyone closest to her had mysteriously disappeared. Malon knew this would be a blatant misuse of a sacred artifact but her desire to learn the truth overcame her guilty conscience. With her mind made up, Malon went up the steps behind the stone altar and approached the Door of Time. Knowing that it was highly unlikely for the royal family to lend her the Ocarina of Time for such a trivial matter, Malon decided to see if she could force her way through. She knew that the door was magically protected by the power of the sages but Malon was confident that her goddess powers could break through it.

After looking back to make sure she was still alone, Malon concentrated her energy and formed a fist with her right hand. Before she could act though, the Door of Time suddenly glowed with a red light as if responding to her power. As Malon watched with a confused look, a familiar symbol began appearing on the front of the stone door. Three wavy lines etched itself on the wall as two red orbs appeared on opposite ends of the line. Malon had just enough time to realize that the emblem was her mother's insignia before the door suddenly opened.

Instead of rushing in, Malon stayed frozen in her spot for a few seconds as she tried to get a hold of things. After a while though, Malon simply decided to accept her good fortune and quickly headed inside the newly opened doorway.

As far as Malon could tell, the only thing inside the dimly-lit room was a large pedestal with a sword sticking out of it. After taking a closer look though, she realized with a fair amount of surprise that the sword was actually the Master Sword that Link used to carry around. With a mass of questions swirling around in her head, Malon began to cautiously approach the sword. Before she could set foot on the pedestal, however, she managed to hear footsteps heading towards her. With a look of apprehension, Malon quickly turned around to see who was entering. As it turned out the mysterious intruder turned out to be none other than Arc.

"Oh, it's just you Arc," Malon said after letting out a relieved sigh. "I didn't expect to see you here."

Arc didn't say anything as he began walking towards the pedestal. As he did so, Malon immediately noticed that something was different about him.

"Hey, wasn't your leg injured the last time I saw you?" Malon asked in a suspicious tone.

Indeed, the limp that Arc had when she first met him was no longer there. In fact, he was walking around normally as if he had never been injured in the first place. Instead of answering Malon's question, Arc simply began to walk around the pedestal in silence. After making a full circle around the place, he stopped in front of Malon with a frown visible beneath his hat.

"What is it?" Malon asked nervously as she raised her guard.

Before she could do anything else, Arc suddenly summoned an enormous book to his hand before giving her a creepy smile.

"It's time," Arc said as he opened up his book. "Your destiny awaits."

Malon instinctively raised her arms as if to shield herself from whatever Arc was sending her way. However, nothing happened as Malon simply continued to stand there in her defensive pose. As Malon finally lowered her arms and looked up in confusion, Arc suddenly began to laugh.

"You should've seen the look on your face!" Arc managed to say in between his fits of laughter. "I can't believe you actually thought I was going to zap you into the past or something! Man, this has got to be one of the best pranks I've pulled so far!"

As Arc continued to laugh like a maniac, Malon tried to make sense of what had just happened.

"Prank? But… what about your leg? And the way you summoned that book?"

Unfortunately, Malon had to wait a couple more minutes before Arc calmed down enough to answer her questions.

"Well, that was fun," Arc finally said as his laughter finally subsided. "Anyways, I guess an explanation is in order. Ahem. You see, the main reason I came to Castle Town was to get my leg fixed up. You might not know this but Castle Town has some really good magical healers. Thanks to that, I'm finally able to walk straight. As for the whole book summoning thing, I happen to know some basic magic. Not really surprising considering how common these handy summoning spells are."

As Malon heard this, she was faced with the sudden urge to face-palm. It had been years since she had last been made fun of like this, and as such, she had grown to take things a little too seriously. For some reason, Malon was suddenly reminded of a certain green-haired goddess at this thought.

"So… How'd you open the Door of Time?" Arc asked after putting away his book. "I thought you needed the Ocarina of Time and the three spiritual stones to open it. At least, that's what it said on that stone altar outside."

"Oh… I… umm… don't know really," Malon said hesitantly, not wanting to reveal the truth about herself to him. "It was… umm… already open when I got here."

"Really? Huh. I thought they usually kept this place closed off to the general public."

"Yeah… Anyways, do you have any idea why it's so empty here today?" Malon quickly asked to change subjects.

"Oh, that? From what I've heard, there's some new restaurant that just opened. Apparently they're holding an all-you-can-eat sale for only five rupees. I think it's a safe bet to say that everyone's out stuffing their faces right now."

"That's nice. But if that's the case, what're you doing here?"

"I already ate before hearing about it," Arc answered simply. "Besides, I thought it'd be nice to explore the temple while everyone was out."

Malon didn't respond as her eyes wandered over to the Master Sword again.

"Hey, isn't that the Master Sword?" Arc asked as he turned to see what Malon was staring at. "Didn't the Hero of Time use that sword during his journey to defeat the King of Evil? If so, how'd it end up here?"

"I have no idea," Malon said without taking her eyes of the sword. "However, the thing I'd really like to know is where the Triforce is at."

"The Triforce? You mean the almighty relic left behind by the goddesses? What do want with something like that?"

"It's… personal," Malon simply replied as she began approaching the Master Sword. "Hmm. Maybe I need to pull out the sword to get to it. What do you think Arc?"

"How should I know? I've never been here be…"

Arc was suddenly cut off as a person looking exactly like him appeared next to Malon carrying a giant dead fish.

"Sorry I'm late Lyra," the Arc look-alike said as he faced Malon with a smile. "Finding a forty-pound Reekfish was harder than I thought. Anyways, now you can… Hey, wait a second. When did you change your clothes?"

As Malon stared between the two Arcs with a very confused look on her face, the Arc carrying the dead fish noticed his clone standing only a few feet away from him. Seeing this, a look of surprise crossed his face as if he suddenly realized something.

"Ah, crap. I'm in the wrong dimension, aren't I?" the Arc with the fish said as he did a face-palm with his free hand.

"Yes you are," the other Arc told himself with an irritated look. "And thanks for blowing my cover."

"Cover? What are you… Oh… I see. This is where I… I mean you… send Malon back to…"

"I think it's about time you left," the fish-less Arc interrupted.

"Yeah, sure thing," the other Arc said as he summoned his spell book to his free hand. "Just make sure you don't forget to give her the…"

"I know."

"Alright then. Oh, and when you-know-who meets up with that… other person… you might want to intervene. Things are going to get ugly if you don't."

"I'll keep that in mind," the Arc that was originally there said with a nod. "Now hurry up and get your little job finished. You know what's going to happen if you don't get that fish delivered in the next five minutes."

"Yeah… I should really get going now. See ya! And good luck Malon! Trust me, you'll be needing it."

With that, the Arc carrying the fish disappeared.

"What an idiot," the remaining Arc muttered as he pulled out his own spell book. "Note to self: Make sure to travel to the correct dimension when delivering the dead fish."

"Who… what… why?" Malon stuttered out as she desperately tried to understand what was happening.

"Oh, don't mind what happened just now," Arc said with a wave of his hand. "It won't make sense to you until… hmm… when does it ever make sense to you?"

"Who was that guy just now?" Malon finally managed to ask in her very confused state.

"Oh, that's easy to answer. The guy you just saw was more than likely me from the future. Or a different dimension. Or maybe even me from the future of a different dimension. Er, never mind. It guess it's not so easy to answer."

An awkward silence settled between the two of them as Arc continued to look through his giant spell book.

"Who are you?" Malon asked warily as she raised her guard once more. "Are you… some kind of deity?"

"Depends on what you mean by deity," Arc said with his head still buried in his book. "If you mean an all-powerful being who can change the very fabric of reality with just a snap of a finger… then no, I'm not a deity. I prefer to wave my left index finger when changing reality."

Malon began to slowly back away from the mysterious cloaked figure in front her as she tried to figure out what he was planning to do with her. As if reading her thoughts, Arc let out another laugh.

"I'm not here to harm you," Arc said in an amused voice. "I'm just here to… Aha! Found it!"

Before Malon could inquire about him any further, Arc suddenly began walking towards the pedestal. Malon quickly backed away once more so that she was now standing right next to the Master Sword. As she watched him with a wary eye, Arc lowered his right hand so that his palm was facing the ground. Almost immediately, Din's symbol appeared on the pedestal just like it had on the Door of Time. However, the symbol only lasted for a brief second before disappearing once more.

"As I thought," Arc said with a nod. "Your mother must have really not wanted for you to leave this timeline."

"Wait, what?" Malon asked in shock when she heard this. "Did you just say…?"

Before Malon could say anything else, a small beeping noise was heard from Arc's wrist.

"Oh, come on!" Arc complained as he pushed up his sleeve looked down at his watch. "This was supposed to be the part where I get to act all mysterious and awesome! If I didn't interrupt myself with that stupid fish, I would've…"

Arc's ranting was cut short when he caught sight of Malon's impatient look. With a sigh, he faced her with a serious look.

"Alright, I'll get straight to the point. Malon, do you truly wish to see your friends again?"

"What kind of question is that?" Malon retorted indignantly. "Of course I want to see them! Do you have any idea how much I…?"

"Okay, good enough," Arc interrupted as he glanced down at his watch once more. "Now hurry up and touch the Master Sword. You don't have to pull it out or anything, a simple poke will suffice."

Malon remain motionless as she crossed her arms and looked at Arc with a suspicious glare. Seeing this, Arc gave another sigh before putting away his book and offering an explanation.

"Look, I'm short on time right now so I'll make this fast. I'm about to send you to the dimension where your friends are at. If you want to get there I suggest you follow my orders."

"Hold on a second. Did you just say what I think you said?" Malon asked incredulously when she heard this. "You… You're going to…?"

"Yes, yes," Arc said with a wave of his hand. "Now hurry up and do as I tell you. We're running out of time."

After a moment of hesitation, Malon turned around and cautiously poked the Master Sword with her finger. Almost immediately, the area around Malon was covered by a mystical blue light. However, the light only lasted for a second before it disappeared as the symbol of Din appeared on the pedestal again.

"Seriously?" Arc muttered as he summoned his book again. "How many seals did your mom put on this thing?"

"What are you talking about?" Malon asked as she stared at the symbol below her with a bewildered look. "Why would my mom place a seal over this place?"

"She obviously didn't want you to leave this dimension," Arc simply replied as he flipped through his book at a rapid pace. "From the looks of things, I'd have to say that she put at least thirty different seals on this thing. Removing the first seal was a piece of cake but I'm still wondering about how to deal with the rest of them."

"What do you mean?" Malon asked in a worried tone.

"Your mother made the seals so that when one of them is destroyed, the other seals become impervious to the spell that you just used. Plus, the seals are already immune to most spells so breaking all of them is practically impossible. In fact, I'd wager even Nayru herself wouldn't be able to crack this thing with all of her magical prowess."

"Then… I won't be able to…?"

"No worries though," Arc said with a wave of his hand. "I've already figured out a thousand different ways to break it. All I'm wondering on right now is which method to use. Hmm. The duck/walrus/chipmunk combo sounds interesting. Actually, never mind. That's only for energy-suppression seals. Ah, well. Looks like I'll have to do this the old fashioned way."

With that, Arc made a finger gun with his right hand and aimed it at the seal.

"Bang."

Almost immediately, an enormous blast of energy emanated from Arc's fingertips. The bright flash of light blinded Malon as she felt the attack connect with its intended target. The following explosion nearly blew Malon off her feet even though she was under the allied protection rule. As Malon's vision slowly returned, she expected to see the entire fabric of reality to be in pieces. However, she saw that the interior of the Temple of Time was still there as if nothing had happened. In fact, not even a single crack could be seen on the temple's floor. The only difference was that Din's seal was nowhere to be seen.

"Heh. The classic finger gun trick just never gets old," Arc commented as he casually dispersed his book once more. "Okay, let's hurry up and get this show on the road. I'm getting the feeling that I've dragged things on a little too long."

Once again, Malon found herself at a loss for words as she stared at Arc with a disbelieving look. As far as she could tell, Arc had just bested the powers of one of the most powerful beings in the entire video game universe without even breaking a sweat. Of course, Malon knew there were people more powerful than her mother but she had never expected anyone to overcome Din's spells with so much ease. As she continued to stare at Arc, Malon couldn't help but feel a little bit afraid of the otherworldly being in front of her.

"What's with the hold up?" Arc asked when he noticed Malon's unmoving form. "We've got less than a minute remaining before I have to leave so unless you enjoy your life here, I suggest you get a move on."

Malon stayed still for a few seconds as she tried to decide on whether or not to trust Arc. In the end, however, her desire to see her family and friends again overcame her worries as she faced the Master Sword once more. After taking a deep breath, Malon slowly lowered her right hand towards the sword's hilt. As soon as her finger made contact with the sword, the pedestal once again glowed with a bright blue light.

As the light began to rise towards the temple's ceiling, Arc suddenly seemed to remember something important as he pulled out a small pouch from within his cloak.

"Damn, I almost forgot," Arc muttered as he threw the pouch towards Malon. "You'll need these where you're going."

Confused, Malon caught the pouch and opened it to see what was inside. Her confusion quickly changed to surprise, however, when she realized that the pouch contained her mother's pendant and Link's necklace.

"Try to take better care of your possessions in the future," Arc said as he began to slowly fade away. "Finding and returning that necklace to you every time you threw it away was a real pain. Especially that time when you threw it into Death Mountain. I don't know about you but swimming around in lava isn't exactly what I consider fun."

And with these final words, Arc disappeared from view. Unfortunately, Malon had little time to ponder about what he just said as everything else in the room began to disappear as well. Soon the only thing she was able to see was the spiraling wave of blue light surrounding her. Just as Malon was starting to feel a little dizzy, the light began to slowly fade as the world came back into focus. Before she could tell where she was though, a familiar voice drifted towards her.

"… and I promise not to get her stolen by some forest imp wearing a psycho mask that'll destroy the world with a giant moon in three days. So how about it? Can I please borrow Epona for a few weeks? I mean, I know we just met a few days ago and all but…"

With that, the last of the blue lights faded from Malon's view. After blinking a few times, she realized that she was standing near the entrance of her ranch as if the entire business at the Temple of Time had never happened. However, Malon paid little attention to the sudden change in scenery as she realized who the person standing in front of her was.

"Umm… Malon? Are you feeling alright?" a ten year-old Link asked her with a concerned look on his face. "You look kind of…"

He didn't get to finish what he was saying as Malon suddenly threw a punch straight at his gut. Much to Malon's surprise though, Link only doubled over in pain instead of going flying like she had expected. As she looked down at herself with a confused look, Malon realized with a start that she herself was a kid again. Before she could think about this any further though, Link managed to recover just enough to start complaining.

"What was that for?" Link asked in an indignant tone as he slowly got up. "I only asked if you were feeling…"

Link was once again cut off by Malon. However, instead of receiving a punch to the stomach this time, Link found himself stunned into silence as Malon suddenly embraced him.

"You idiot," Malon said as tears ran down her face. "Why didn't you keep your promise? Why didn't you come back like you said you would? I thought… I thought I would never see you again."

Link could only stare at Malon's sobbing form with a surprised look as he began to slowly understand what was going on.

"Malon?" he finally managed to say in an astonished whisper. "Is it… is it really you? You remember…?"

Malon didn't immediately reply as she continued to hold onto Link as if he would disappear again. After a few minutes though, she finally looked up with the first genuine smile in years.

"Yes, Link," Malon said as she looked at her friend with a tear-streaked face. "It's me."

As Malon finally let go of him, Link just stood frozen in place as he tried to understand everything that was happening.

"How…? How did you…?"

Unfortunately, Link was unable to finish his question once more as another familiar voice called out from the barn.

"Malon! Did you see where I put my new Mole-men Begone Spray? Those darn mole-people are trying to take over the barn again!"

Unable to believe it, Malon quickly turned around to see who had just spoken. As it so happened, the speaker turned out to be none other than Talon himself. He was looking as fit as ever as he came out of the barn with a pitchfork in hand. As he tried to turn around to call for Malon again, he suddenly found himself tackled to the ground as Malon rushed up and hugged him.

"Dad!" Malon yelled in both surprise and joy. "You… you're…"

"Whoa! What's with the hug all of a sudden?" Talon asked with a smile as he looked up to see his daughter. "It's only been a few minutes since we saw each other at breakfast. Did something good happen since then?"

"You have no idea," Malon said as she quickly wiped her eyes and faced her dad with a smile.

"Well, it's certainly nice to see you in such a good mood today," Talon said with a smile of his own. As he got back up, he happened to notice Link standing around awkwardly near the ranch entrance. "Hey, who's that kid over there?"

"Oh, just a friend," Malon said as she got up as well. "By the way, do you think it's alright if I invite him to stay for the night?"

Normally Talon might have questioned letting a stranger staying at the ranch but the smiling face of his daughter eventually won him over.

"Of course he can," Talon said as he picked up his pitchfork and began heading towards the barn. "Just make sure he doesn't scare the animals or anything like that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go deal with those mole-people."

As Talon went into the barn once more, Malon turned around and headed back to Link.

"Why don't we go over to the house before we start talking?" Malon asked, unable to contain the excitement and joy from her voice. "I don't know if it's from the time-travel business or not, but I could really use some tea right now."

"Oh... umm… sure," Link managed to say as he followed the farm girl.

To Malon, it felt as if the last seven years were fading away as if it had all been just a bad dream. She could hardly believe it but she no longer had to live alone, chase off unwanted suitors, or worry about the past. Most importantly however, she was finally back with her family and friends. Just as Malon was thinking of how perfect her life suddenly seemed, a small slip of paper fell right in front of her feet. Curious, Malon stopped to pick it up while Link continued on ahead. At first, Malon thought it was just a blank sheet of paper but she soon realized that there was a message written for her on the other side.

_**Eternal peace is merely an illusion. All we can do is cherish the time we have and prepare for the battles that lie ahead of us.**_

_**In other words, keep your eyes open. Just because everything seems perfect now doesn't mean it'll always stay that way. Oh, and another thing. I sent over that Magic for Dummies book to your room so use that to continue your magical studies. Speaking of which, the actual cost of that book was five hundred rupees so I expect you to pay me the rest of the money the next time we meet. Hope you enjoy your little break from chaos.**_

_**Arc**_

As Malon stared at the message a feeling of dread began creeping into her. From what Arc was saying, it seemed like there was a great storm on the horizon just waiting to destroy her hopes and dreams once more. However, her worried thoughts were abruptly interrupted as Link suddenly called out for her.

"Hey, Malon! Are you coming or what?"

As she looked up to see her friend motioning for her, Malon suddenly realized that there was no need to worry about the future. Just like Arc had told her, the only thing she could do was cherish her time with her loved ones and prepare herself for whatever was coming. With this thought, Malon gave a confident smile as she threw away the note and headed towards the bright new future ahead of her.


	21. Breaking News!

**Breaking News!**

**I guess I'll put the excuses for the late reveal in the author's note for the actual story. Yes, you guessed correctly! The sequel is finally out! I present to you, The Legend of Malon: Meme's Mask! I'm not sure how quickly the story will show up on FF after I upload it but hopefully, it'll show up once you finish reading this.**

…

**What, are you still here? Okay then, I guess I could tell a few jokes before this message self-destructs in 5 seconds. So what do you call a-**

**Darn it! I knew I should've bought a better self-destruct mechanism! Eh, just go read the sequel already.**


End file.
